warnings: major character death, severe chronic pain, implied euthanasia, discussions of death and dying
a/n: i have nothing to say other than im sorry (????)
You had known Riwoo was suffering for a long time.
There were good days, if you could call them that. Days when the pain was manageable enough for him to joke with you, watch a movie without losing focus halfway through, and complain about the food you ordered because apparently you had somehow managed to choose the worst thing on the menu again. Those were the days that made you hopeful. You could almost convince yourself that things might settle into something you could both live with.
Then there were the bad days.
On those days, Riwoo barely spoke. He would lie still for hours, his face drawn tight as he tried to endure the pain without letting you see how much it hurt. Sometimes you would wake during the night and find him staring at the ceiling, breathing carefully because even that seemed to hurt.
You would reach for him.
He would always whisper, “I'm okay.”
You stopped believing him a long time ago.
The worst part was that the bad days weren't the only days that hurt him anymore.
The pain was always there.
Some days it was a dull ache that he could tolerate. Other days it was sharp enough to make him grip your hand until his knuckles turned white. Sometimes medication helped. Sometimes it barely touched it. There were mornings when he woke already exhausted because he'd spent the entire night trying to find a position that didn't hurt.
And still, whenever you asked him how he was feeling, he would give you the same answer.
“I'm okay.”
You knew better.
You just didn't know what to do with that knowledge.
You could sit beside him. You could hold his hand. You could make sure he took his medication. You could drive him to appointments and bring him his favourite food afterward.
You could love him.
But you couldn't take the pain from his body and put it into yours.
That was what terrified you most.
One evening, after a particularly bad day, you found him sitting quietly by the window.
You approached him and rested your hands on his shoulders.
“Do you want to go to bed?”
He shook his head.
“Do you want me to stay?”
His eyes lifted to yours.
“I always want you to stay.”
You smiled sadly and moved around him so you could sit beside him.
He took your hand.
“I need you to promise me something.”
“What?”
“Don't stop living because of me.”
Your smile disappeared.
“Riwoo”
“I'm serious.”
“So am I. I'm not going anywhere.”
“I know.”
“Then why do you keep talking like you're leaving?”
He didn't answer.
You studied his face, “You've made a decision.”
His silence told you everything.
Your chest tightened.
“When?”
He looked down.
“I don't want to tell you.”
“Why?”
“Because you'll try to stop me.”
“Maybe I will.”
“I know.”
You felt tears gathering in your eyes.
“Then maybe you should let me.”
He squeezed your hand.
“I can't.”
“Why?”
“Because this isn't something I'm doing because I don't love you.”
His voice shook.
“I'm doing it because I'm tired.”
You stared at him.
He continued before you could interrupt.
“I'm tired of waking up hurting. I'm tired of wondering how bad the day is going to be. I'm tired of the good days being days when I can tolerate the pain instead of days when I actually feel good. I'm tired of watching you worry every time I go quiet because you're wondering whether something is wrong.”
His eyes filled.
“And I'm tired of being afraid of tomorrow.”
You couldn't speak.
“I know there are people who would tell me to keep fighting,” he said. “I know you would tell me that there are still good things waiting for me. I know there are people who would think I'm giving up.”
He looked at you.
“But I'm the one who has to wake up in this body every morning.”
You nodded through your tears.
“I know.”
“I need you to understand that.”
“I don't want to.”
“I know.”
He lifted your hand to his lips.
“But please don't think you weren't enough.”
That broke something inside you.
“Don't say that.”
“I need you to hear it.”
“You're everything to me.”
“I know.”
“Then stay.”
His eyes closed.
“I wish I could give you that.”
You leaned against him, crying quietly while he held your hand.
He didn't tell you the date.
You didn't know that the appointment had already been confirmed.
You didn't know that the following morning would be the last time you woke up beside him.
You didn't know that when you kissed his cheek before leaving the room, he watched you for several seconds after you disappeared from the doorway.
You didn't know he had already written the letter.
You only found out the next morning.
Your first thought was that something was wrong when you woke up and the apartment was too quiet.
Riwoo was usually awake before you. Even when he couldn't sleep, there was always some small sound coming from the living room. A television. A phone. The movement of his feet dragging.
That morning, there was nothing.
You called his name.
No answer.
You got out of bed.
The living room was empty.
For a few seconds, you stood there confused, unable to understand why your heart had suddenly started pounding.
Then you saw the envelope on the table.
Your name was written across the front.
Your hands began shaking before you even opened it.
You sat down and unfolded the letter.
My love,
If you're reading this, then I've already gone.
You stopped and your vision blurred.
You wiped your eyes and continued.
I know you're angry. You have every right to be. I know you'll probably wonder why I didn't tell you exactly when I was going. The truth is that I knew you would try to make me stay, and I don't blame you for that. I would have done the same thing if our positions were reversed.
Please don't think I made this decision because loving you wasn't enough.
It was.
You were more than enough.
You gave me years I never thought I would have after my life changed. You made ordinary days feel worth remembering. You made me laugh when I was hurting. You stayed beside me when you had every reason to walk away.
But my decision wasn't only about you.
I need you to understand that most of all.
I'm tired, my love.
I'm tired in a way sleep can't fix.
The days when the pain is manageable aren't really good days anymore. They're simply days when I can tolerate it. And the bad days have become something I don't know how to explain to you without watching you break down beside me.
I've tried to imagine doing this for another year. Then another. I've tried to imagine ten more years.
I can't.
I don't want my entire life to become a countdown between appointments, medications, pain, and the next bad day.
That doesn't mean I stopped loving my life.
It doesn't mean I stopped loving you.
It means I'm finally admitting that I can't keep living in a body that hurts this much.
You pressed the letter against your chest.
The tears came harder now.
There was another page.
And I need you to promise me something.
Please don't spend the rest of your life trying to prove that you could have saved me.
You couldn't.
No one could.
This wasn't your responsibility.
You loved me. You took care of me. You stayed when things became difficult. You gave me more happiness than I ever thought I would have.
There was nothing else you were supposed to do.
Your hands trembled so badly that you almost dropped the letter.
Please live.
Not because I want you to forget me.
I don't want that.
I want you to remember me while you're doing all the things we never got to do together.
Go somewhere I've never seen. Eat something I would have complained about. Laugh until your stomach hurts. Fall in love with your life again.
And when you think of me, I hope you remember that I wasn't only the person who was sick.
I was the person who loved you.
That was the best part of my life.
The final line was written underneath his name.
Thank you for staying until I couldn't.
You read it three times.
Then you folded the letter against your chest and finally allowed yourself to understand what had happened.
He hadn't left because you weren't enough.
He hadn't left because he stopped loving you.
He hadn't left because you had failed to make his life worth living.
He had left because he was suffering, because he had reached the limit of what he could endure, and because after living with pain for so long, he had decided he didn't want the rest of his life to be defined by it.
You wished you could hate him.
For leaving without saying goodbye.
For making the decision alone.
For taking away every possibility of one more conversation, one more argument, one more morning.
But beneath all of that anger was something you couldn't escape.
You knew him.
You knew how much he had hurt.
And that was what made losing him so unbearable.
Because loving Riwoo had never meant being able to save him.
It had meant knowing him well enough to understand why he had made a choice you desperately wished he hadn't.
this is just a small recap/rec of some of the best fics i've read in the past couple months (and have talked about on my reblogs over here) in case any new readers are looking for bnd fics to read! in no particular order:
war with heaven (hts) by @dat-town - this one was so fun for me bcs i was looking for some mecha bnd fics and kathy magically read my mind and wrote the most awesome pacrim series ever!! if you like hurt/comfort infirmary scenes, this is the one for you!
moe @moesthinking's roommate sungho smau! reader is so amusing and the texts are all so funny and enjoyable. this one's a light-hearted work that can cheer you up if you're feeling low
puzzle piece, you're my missing part (kwh) by @starriniqhts - tender is the word for this one. if you too are overheating from the wrath of the sun this summer, this sweet lil winter fic will cool your burning heart with some refreshing sweetness :)))
conquest of spaces (lrw) by @mwotgata - had the time of my life reading this fic because it's a. RIWOO and b. SPORTS! i think i've been desperate to get out of the sun these days lol you'll see a pattern in the stuff i've been enjoying. this one's written so well and all the characters are fleshed out and relatable and lovely in so many ways. big rec! (+ the spoiler-heavy ask i left in june's inbox lol)
maggots for brains (kwh) by @coriihanniee - also been very olivia pilled and i was begging for an album-inspired fic when kimmi showed up like an angel with wings. she wrote the feelings of the initial stages of a relationship and all the anxieties that come with it so so well.
mr. vampire (klh) by @beomtomie - GENIUS! FABULOUS! FUNNY! this is ongoing and im so so excited for updates oml,, if you want to read a vampire au but balance it out with some lightheartedness and humour, this is the perfect choice!
spidermyung drabble (mjh) by @mwotgata - was not ready to get hit with this angsty spidermyung on a random weekday my junebug. but im still thanking you for it bcs it was amazing <33
these are just a few of the things that i read and loved, there are many more under my tags on @rosycanread that you guys should totally check out. if you like any of it, do remember to drop by the authors' inboxes and let them know your thoughts!! they're all so awesome and deserve to be showered with love for the work they put into creating these stories for us <3333
sanghyeok definitely drinks from your neck to reach his orgasm faster. it happens right as he feels the warmth spilling into his mouth. his warmth spilling into your cunt as a result. he also drinks from you when grinding against the bed isn’t enough while he eats you out. he quickly replaces his mouth with his fingers. always making sure your pleasure doesn’t stop. you feel the sharp pain of his teeth sinking into the inside of your thigh mixed in with the pleasure of his fingers. after you’ve both been satisfied, he likes to lay his head on your thigh, mouth still bloody, and play with your release. smiling when you jolt out of sensitivity.
conquest of spaces
ꨄ.. ⠀⠀riwoo x f! reader. figure skating au.
sypnosis: you and sanghyuk have been training under coach kim since you could remember, but then sanghyuk’s gains success. soon enough, he’s becomes destined for better and greater things - which includes switching coaches to coach lee - who also happens to be coach’s bitter rival. even if you aren’t competing in the same discipline, coach kim decides to draw a line in the sand, and you and sanghyuk are caught in the splash zone. (wc 8.9k)
tags: YURI!!!!, secret relationship vibes, enemies (?) to lovers?
a/n: i'm sooo tired. thank you to aylin @starriniqhts for beta reading! song i looped to this was everywhere by michelle branch.
december, some random tuesday.
it probably didn’t help that you found out through social media.
coach.ty.lee happy to welcome lee sanghyuk to our humble skating club ❤️ please continue to support this brilliant young skater!
you exchanged a look with subin.
“in the middle of the season, too,” subin sighs, “rough.”
you shake your head, “i literally said hi to him last week.”
"do you think coach kim knows about this?” she whispers over the hum of the zamboni.
a shrill scream from coach kim’s office cuts you off before you can reply, and you cock your head - "i think that’s your answer.”
coach appears at the door, clipboard clutched in her hand with whitened knuckles, her hair wild and flying, and her eyes narrowed and furious.
"i take him to junior worlds. i help him rotate his quads. i hand stitch his costumes when they break. i raised him - and this is how he repays me?” she seethes, stomping over to where you and subin are resting.
"she’s mad,” subin whispers.
"go figure,” you wipe your hands on your training towel as you stand, walking over to the door of the rink.
coach kim is fuming now, pacing back and forth across the rubber floor as she mutters to herself. the last time you saw her this angry was when the judges hosed your scores to hell and back for their favourite new wunderchild - and back then she made threats of blowing up the judges box on national tv and nearly attacked one of the judges from behind when she saw them in the hotel lobby.
"ten years,” she mutters when she nears you, jabbing her clipboard towards you like you’re supposed to bear witness, "ten - fucking - years i spent with that boy. teaching him figures and edges when he could barely stand on the ice. sharpening his skates when he couldn’t afford to go to a professional. and taeyeon - she - she just swoops in now that he’s landing quads, winning medals, and getting sponsorships, and suddenly i’m what? chopped liver?”
you and subin elect to remain silent.
"and you know what the worst part is?” coach kim’s voice cracks slightly, and you cringe at the sight of tears springing to her waterline, eyes turning glassy, “i taught her how to choreograph! i got her her first coaching job - at the national rink! and now this is how she repays me?”
she stops abruptly and you suck in a breath, trying not to set her off if you breathe the wrong way.
“fine -” she says sharply, “if this is how she wants to play it, then so be it.”
you definitely breathed the wrong way, because as you exhale coach kim whirls onto you, approaching with a speed that alarms you as she waves her clipboard at you.
“you’re competing at senior nationals next month, correct?”
“yes, ma’am,” your throat is dry.
“good. i want you on that worlds team. not competing - winning, you understand me?” she has that glare in her eyes now, the one that means she’s planning something, “taeyeon thinks she can poach one of my skaters and get away with it? let’s see how much she likes it when her new star has to share a podium with one of my skaters.”
“but ma’am,” you hold up a finger, “sanghyuk is doing men’s singles and i do -”
“i know what discipline you’re in -” she snaps, “that’s not relevant. it’s about making a statement. it’s about proving ourselves.”
you wonder if your coach has gone slightly insane with heartbreak. coach kim takes your silence as agreement.
she storms back to her office, and you let out a quiet sigh.
she pauses and for a moment you panic over whether she heard your exhale.
she points her clipboard at you, “and i do not want to see you chatting up lee sanghyuk. texting lee sanghyuk. or even looking at lee sanghyuk. understand?”
you gulp, “but -”
“no buts,” she snaps, “end of conversation!”
the slam of her office door echoes around the ice rink.
you block sanghyuk that night - up at 11:30PM and scrolling through your text messages. photos from group hangouts, requests for money, and the occasional question and passing of news. deleting it was easy - it was nothing - it meant nothing. you unfollow him on instagram next, and block him on facebook too, as requested by coach kim. she gave you a thumbs up when you text the proof of your loyalty, and you can’t help but repeat to yourself: it’s nothing, just a guy who is no longer part of your life anymore. it’s like… graduating from highschool and deleting all the classmates you don’t care about.
that’s exactly what this is.
january, day one of nationals.
the next time you see sanghyuk is at nationals.
the moment you step onto the rink, your eyes zero in on him, dressed in his team korea jacket with earbuds in as he practices his off ice jumps in the corner of the arena. he looks the same as when he left you - still with the same cropped platinum blonde hair that subin used to say makes him look bald when it blends into the ice. you wince at the thought.
coach kim bristles.
“don’t look at him,” she announces to your group, and you see the younger skaters nod dutifully. you peel your eyes away before he somehow notices your obvious staring and hurry away to the locker room, your bag clutched in your hand as you brush past skaters warming up, coaches giving last minute words of wisdom, camera crew dangerously swinging around large cameras, and volunteers running around with boxes of water bottles in their hands.
the locker room is only just slightly less chaotic. with the smell of hairspray in the air and stepping over dropped hair accessories, you drop your bag onto the bench, pulling out your shoes and starting the journey of lacing yourself into your skates.
"this is so stupid,” subin whispers, her junior bronze medal dangling from her neck as she casts a quick look to where coach kim is fussing over wonyoung’s hair, "you and sanghyuk aren’t even in the same event. what are you gonna do? join the men’s singles competition and come in last place?”
you don’t answer, instead just yanking on your laces even harder.
"coach is even pettier than me,” subin mumbles in answer to your silence.
"it’s a matter of pride,” you eventually say, standing up and testing the feeling of being in your shoes - tight, structured, perfect. exactly how you like it.
"but [y/n] -”
"i’m gonna go warm up,” you interrupt, grabbing your water bottle and marching out of the locker room.
coach kim gave you a purpose. she shaped your life.
you nearly smack into sanghyuk and his new teammate - donghyun - while you’re emerging from the locker room. sanghyuk’s doing that thing again where he’s doing his best to laugh at a joke that doesn’t land to make the other person feel better, and then he’s poking fun at donghyun’s poor attempt at redemption. you shove past donghyun (which elicits a soft hey!) and stomp away as sanghyuk grabs donghyun’s shoulder and to pull him out of the way.
you weren’t going to betray coach now.
you say you’re practising, throwing yourself into the air like a spring wound up too tight on the rubber floor of the upper deck of the arena.
but out of the corner of your eye, you watch the action happening on the ice rink.
sanghyuk is doing his usual routine of crossovers during warmups, and coach kim is watching the rink like a hawk from her place in the spectator stands. you try to look uninterested, brushing past the other skaters that are huddled behind a pillar and whispering about the final group of male skaters.
"i think sanghyuk’s gonna win,” one of them whispers.
"no way, jaehyun totally has it,” another laughs.
“donghyun, anyone?” someone offers weakly.
“no way - he hasn’t even regained his quad toe,” someone else retorts, “my money’s on our ice prince jaehyun.”
you push in your earbuds as the crowd erupts into giggles.
focus, you chide yourself, you come first.
you ignore the rest of the men’s event, but you find out sanghyuk won the short program anyways when a gasp echoes around the stadium as his score appears. a new personal best - the announcer booms, unavoidable with its volume.
ignore him, your mental coach kim scolds as you stretch again, you’re literally going up next.
your competition feels like a blur. you wobble on the landing your opening jump which deducted points and caused looks from the judging panels, and you missed a level in your second spin because you got distracted thinking about the jump and missed a few rotations. when you skate away after your bows you barely register what you’re doing and what just happened, your brain buzzing from that post-program energy.
but coach kim greets you at the exit of the rink, a smile hanging from her face as she pulls you into a tight hug.
“that was good,” she says into your ear, pressing you tighter against herself, “you did exactly what i wanted to see.”
you just give her a tired smile and grab your skate guards out of her hands.
when your scores come in, coach kim cheers and wraps an arm around your shoulders.
“at least third place,” she says breathlessly, “we can do bronze. we can work with that.”
day one ended up with you stepping off the podium with a silver medal in your hands, after the girl who went after you fell on her combination, locking you into second place as you continue to fail to beat the reigning national champion (a work in progress - coach kim mumbles, scribbling harshly into her notebook - we’ll beat her one day, maybe even tomorrow).
your medal slaps against your rib cage as you hurry down the corridor. you’re slinking against walls trying to find a quiet place to catch your breath when you round a corner and nearly bump into someone.
“sorry -” you start, looking up.
sanghyuk.
he’s in his training clothes but his medal is still strung around his neck. you can see your own dumbfounded expression reflected in the gold and you quickly tear your eyes away.
“congratulations,” sanghyuk rushes out before you can say anything or run away.
“yeah, um. you too,” you try your best to squeeze past him, “excuse me.”
“wait,” he says, catching your arm, “are you mad at me?”
you tear yourself out of his grip, eyes staring at the floor, “that’s none of your business.”
“then why -”
“don’t” you say, your vowels wobbling, “just don’t.”
you run away as fast as your feet can take you.
you can feel his gaze still following you as you round the corner, gripping the ribbon of your medal in your hand so tightly it cuts into your palm with a slight sting.
minyoungkim celebrating my skaters 💝 thank you! you’ve made me proud.
you scoff at coach kim’s story, her arms around a younger you as she tags your instagram, in the corner is sanghyuk, deliberately cropped out of the photo but just enough to tick people off on who the third person in the image is. you quickly repost the story onto your instagram out of obligation before shutting off your phone, crawling out from under the blanket to charge your phone on the bedside table.
the silver medal stares at you as it lays helplessly on the table.
you stretch and stare up at the ceiling of the hotel, watching the ceiling fan make its rounds slowly. you think about the way sanghyuk’s voice cracked when he asked are you mad at me?, like he already knew the answer. you see his face when you close your eyes and he’s in the shapes of the fan’s blades.
you weren’t mad at him, and somehow that’s the worst part. it would be easier if you were.
you turn on your side and bury your face into the pillow.
tomorrow is the free skate, you tell yourself, go to bed.
you probably stayed up for two more hours, rolling sanghyuk’s words around your brain like a candy that would melt, before exhaustion finally claimed you.
january, day two of nationals.
the pre-practice briefing is awkward.
coach kim has a whiteboard and is armed with a laser pointer. she also has the energy of someone who also did not get much sleep, only for completely different reasons.
you’re staring at your reflection in your room temperature coffee as coach kim continues to speak, gesturing like she’s about to conduct a military ambush, “[y/n], the judges gave your fairly good components score yesterday. we need to work on the axis when going into our axel. the spin level, i’m sure, was just a fluke. i expect all level 4s today, understood?”
you nod wordlessly and coach kim continues to ramble on. wonyoung catches your eye from across the table and shakes her head. she’s crazy, you see her mouth, and all you can give her is a non-committal smile.
your phone buzzes and you look down as the screen lights up on your lap.
unknown: good luck today. congrats on silver yesterday.
unknown: i got a new number bc you blocked me. pls don’t block me here :(
you know who it is, even without a name or a profile picture.
you turn your phone over, face down in your lap as you down the rest of your coffee and try to focus on coach kim’s barked instructions.
competition first. boys from your past later.
you go clean. you land your triple-triple combination you’ve been working on since last season cleanly for the first time in a while. your spins all score a level 4, as instructed, and you go away with a new season’s best and a bronze medal overall for your efforts.
coach kim nods like it’s expected - all according to plan, all according to what she has laid out for you. you can only clutch onto your bronze medal like it’s a lifeline and steal glances at the spectator stands, where sanghyuk inches closer and closer to subin and the rest of your teammates, desperately trying to catch your attention. you see his hand rise up when you wave in his direction, falling back down when subin yells out your name and gives you an enthusiastic wave back, a look of disappointment flashing across his face before he quickly looks away.
you don’t think about it too hard.
the closing banquet is always awkward - a show for the cameras and journalists as skaters quietly file into the hall in their best formal wear.
your medals hang heavy around your neck as you continue to poke at your food halfheartedly. subin and the rest of the juniors are off dancing in the corner, feeling the music playing through the speakers that is far too upbeat for how tired you feel. wonyoung nudges you under the table with her knee.
“don’t look now. but to your three o’clock,” she warns, which, of course, immediately makes you look.
sanghyuk is sat at one of the tables across the banquet hall, sitting with the rest of coach lee’s team and talking to one of his new teammates. he smiles at one of the girls in his camp and you catch yourself frowning when she giggles in return. the horror of the realisation settles in is enough for you to turn your head back around and glare down at your plate with contempt at yourself (mostly).
“he keeps looking over here,” wonyoung whispers conspiratorially after her theatrical sigh and i told you not to look!
“so what?” you answer, with more bitterness in your voice than you wanted, “he’s no longer of concern to me.”
“oh, come on,” wonyoung grabs your hand, “you’ve known him since forever! surely you must feel some way.”
“just eat your food,” you grumble, stabbing your fish. your phone buzzes in your lap and you think about the text that’s been sitting in your messages since this morning.
you try to recall what coach kim said this morning. about fixing the axel and selling your program more. about getting the right levels on your spins and the momentum you should carry into four continents. about her whiteboard and a whole flowchart of your next career steps laid out after careful consideration. you think about good, stable, and reliable things instead of fickle and unsubstantial ones.
your phone buzzes again, and against your better judgement, you look.
unknown: congrats on the bronze
unknown: and going to 4cc!!
you watch as the three dots appear and disappear, blinking away for a few seconds before appearing again.
unknown: yeah! congrats!!!
when you sneak a look over at sanghyuk’s table, he’s no longer chatting with his teammates or looking at you, instead just staring at his new phone, his thumbs hesitating over his keyboard.
he looks up in your direction, and you whip your head back and grab your glass of fruit punch, sipping it and staring at the spinning centrepiece vase of flowers until your heart stops drumming in your ears.
“you okay?” wonyoung asks in between delicate bites of broccoli.
“fine,” you grit your teeth, “i’m fine.”
the banquet hall is basically empty.
you stumble out of the hall, your medal ribbons all tangled up and your hair falling out of the elaborate hairstyle wonyoung put it in before. your drink that smells suspiciously like fruit punch and vodka is threatening to spill all over your only nice dress and you can barely tell left from right.
"this is harder than skating,” you hiss to yourself, stumbling around in your high heels and nearly slamming into a pillar that seems to have spawned out of nowhere in your drunken state.
"... minyoung, you can’t let it continue on like this.”
you stop short around a corner, before you can even acknowledge the conversation you definitely weren’t supposed to hear. you press yourself into a nook in the wall and listen anyway - because your room was down this way and you weren’t going to figure out a way around it while the world continues to spin upside down.
“i can do what i want, taeyeon,” coach kim’s voice is short, clipped, and simmering with anger.
"using your skaters as pawns? just chess pieces in your vindictive streak against me?”
"i’m coaching them, taeyeon. not that you would know.”
"coach? you’re torturing them, minyoung.”
"torture? i -”
"i’ve seen sanghyuk look at one of your skaters - [y/n], was it? she pays him no mind and i can’t help but think it's due to your machinations.”
"[y/n] is a grown woman. she does what she wants, and maybe she just doesn’t want to associate with a traitor.”
"that’s the word - traitor. that’s what you called me back then, too.”
the silence is so deafening and long you nearly peer around the corner to see if somehow they have evaporated into thin air.
“because that’s what you are!” coach kim’s verbal explosion thankfully stops you before you do, her voice raised to volumes you’ve never heard before.
“that’s because… you left me,” you can hear her struggling to lower her voice, pressing down til her voice is flat.
“i did what was best for me,” coach lee says, almost like a parent placating a child, “and that’s what sanghyuk did, too. you can’t fault the kid for that.”
coach kim is silent, and you can hear coach lee sigh.
“don’t let the children end up like us, minyoung. arguing in the corridors of a hotel, hating each other for nothing in particular. they’re better than us - we need to let them be better than us.”
coach kim doesn’t respond, and the air is thick enough to choke someone. the air conditioning hums in the silence and you feel the ribbons of your medal stick to the back of your neck, it’s fringes prickling against your skin.
you finally hear coach lee’s footsteps walk away, down the corridor. a few breaths later, coach kim’s own hurried footsteps, her high heels clicking against the marble of the floor.
you don’t move, stuck to the wall like fly on honey.
“[y/n]?”
you turn around far too fast and have to catch yourself on the wall, stumbling in your dizziness. sanghyuk is standing there in his fancy grey sweater, neck decidedly empty of his medals, holding two glasses of water with a raised eyebrow.
“i was looking for you,” he says matter-of-factedly, brow furrowing as he takes you in - heels in one drink, drink sloshing dangerously in the other, hair looking like a bird’s nest, “you disappeared.”
“no, i didn’t,” you frown, gesturing to yourself, the floor still swaying under your feet, “i’m right here.”
sanghyuk crosses over in two quick strides, taking your suspicious fruit punch concoction and swiftly replacing it with one of his glasses of water. you make a noise of protest but he gives you a look that makes you look down and sip quietly on the water instead.
“how much did you have?” he says, sniffing your cup before making a face of obvious disgust.
“not that much.”
“[y/n]…”
“wonyoung kept refilling my glass when i wasn’t looking,” you grumble.
sanghyuk lets out a breath that sounds like it might be a laugh, tickling the hair that falls around your neck. he reaches out to take the empty glass back from you, and he’s close enough you can smell his cologne - it’s the same peachy scent that filled your summers at the skating rink - the memory makes you tip your head back against the wall to look at him properly.
sanghyuk is good-looking, you think distantly. you’ve always known that in the same way you know facts about the world - the sky is blue, the ice is cold, flips are the bane of your existence, and sanghyuk has good bone structure.
you’re drunk, you think to yourself immediately after, you’re being delusional.
“you’ve been avoiding me all weekend,” sanghyuk says quietly, cutting through your internal whirlwind, a frown playing on his lips.
“i wasn’t -” you hiccup in the middle of your sentence, “wasn’t avoiding you.”
“at dinner,” he fills in your silence, “you kept looking at me and then looking away when i noticed.”
you purse your lips.
“caught me there.”
sanghyuk shifts, “so? what is it? do you not like me?”
“me?” you stop, pressing the back of your head against the cold of the marble wall in a bid to quell your headache, “he’s not - i don’t - coach kim told me not to.”
“i guessed,” sanghyuk says simply, running his thumb up and down the empty glass in his hand.
then quieter: “is that the only reason?”
you stare at him, the corridor comes to an abrupt halt. a muscle in his throat moves and he squints at you, like he’s trying to stare into your soul for an answer.
“forget it,” he eventually says, shoulders sagging, “you’re drunk. i - i shouldn’t have.”
“no,” the words bubble out of you before you can stop it, “not really.”
sanghyuk scoffs, but it’s non-committal when he looks at you - really looks at you. there’s a look in his eyes that makes it seem like he’s been carrying something but doesn’t want to anymore.
he peers at you hopefully.
“really?” he says, his voice soft enough that you ruminate on the question.
“yeah,” you put a hand over your heart, “and it’s not because i’m drunk right now. i swear.”
there’s a smile tugging on sanghyuk’s lips.
“i’ve liked you - since the first time we met,” he says, voice low and you gesture for him to speak louder, which he laughs at, “since the first time i saw you. you came off the ice at some b comp, and you were so mad at your scores. you said something to coach kim that sounded like you’ve already decided you were just going to be better than everyone who’s ever doubted you. and i just… that was it for me. i don’t know what else to tell you.”
you open your mouth, nothing comes out.
sanghyuk nods like you’ve said something anyways.
“you probably won’t remember this next morning anyways,” he says, more to himself than you.
he pushes the second cup of water into your hands, “you should drink more water,” he mumbles, gentle and resigned.
you don’t remember what happens next. just that you blinked and he was gone, a half empty cup of water in your hands and his footsteps echoing softly until you can’t hear it anymore.
you wake up the next day with a pounding headache, and an empty glass of water on your nightstand, with no explanation of how they got there. all you remember is the conversation you weren’t supposed to hear, and how unfortunate is that?
you're in line at the airport check-in when wonyoung taps you on the shoulder and squeezes into line next to you.
"sanghyuk’s staring again. bet he likes you or something," she whispers, and this time you look up, catching sanghyuk's glance from across the lobby.
his eyes widen instantly, and he quickly looks down, playing with the straps of his training bag with feigned interest as sungho continues to talk at him, pointing at the art pieces hanging from the airport ceiling.
when you turn back around, coach kim is staring at you instead, a raised eyebrow as she taps her foot against the marble floor.
"i wasn't -" you start.
"i don't care what you do in your personal life," coach kim interrupts, turning away pointedly, "just don't let it impact your performance."
"okay," you say slowly, "i won't."
the clerk calls for coach kim next and she steps up, placing her passport onto the table.
wonyoung nudges you, "what the hell happened to her?“
you try your best to give a nonchalant shrug, "maybe she remembered something.“
wonyoung shudders, "not used to her being nice. it’s weird."
its funny, you think to yourself, coach kim loosened the leash ever so slightly, and you’re already thinking about what to say to sanghyuk the next time you see him.
early february, one week before four continents.
you corner sanghyuk in the training room.
"hi?" he squeaks, face still flushed from his workout and bangs sticking against his forehead, "is this allowed?"
you look back outside the training room. the door is slightly ajar and coach kim is instructing wonyoung while coach lee paces on the opposite side of the rink. everyone else is trying to squeeze in more practice into the last few minutes of ice time before the rink closes. you look back at him and shut the door behind you with a slam.
“probably not,” you say back.
sanghyuk drops his towel over his shoulder, letting out a breath and glancing towards the door.
“is this a trap?” he jokes light-heartedly, “are you going to kidnap me back on coach kim’s orders?”
you cross your arms and frown, “i don’t like you that much, lee sanghyuk.”
“figured,” he mumbles, sitting down on the bench heavily, “so?”
the training room’s ventilation continues to hum loudly and music pours in from the outside, occasionally fading as the chords quiet down. you can still hear the sound of blades against ice and the heavy thump of the toe pick coming down. you watch as sanghyuk’s eyes briefly flicker towards the door and back to you as you step forward, towards him until your own knees hit the bench and you sit down heavily next to him.
“you blocked me,” he finally says, head drooping sadly beside you, “you even blocked me on spotify.”
“i had to cover all my bases,” you grumble, “wait - you were looking for me on spotify?”
sanghyuk looks away, “not important.”
“it was because of coach -”
“i know,” sanghyuk finally looks up at you, “i know.”
he stands up and brushes past you, “i’m… i’m just glad you didn’t block my new number.”
you blurt it out before you can regret it, “i heard something i shouldn’t have - after the banquet.”
sanghyuk pauses, his hand halfway to the door handle. there, he wavers. you watch the grip he has on the doorframe tighten and loosen as he grapples with staying behind or leaving before he hears something he shouldn’t have or doesn’t want to.
your hands tremble as they tense around the neck of your water bottle.
“you don’t have to stay,” you eventually say, “but i would like you to.”
sanghyuk chews on the inside of his mouth. he takes a step back into the room, his hand sliding off the doorframe.
“what did you hear?” he says, quietly with his back still turned. his head drops low, like he’s counting the flecks in the rubber flooring of the gym.
“i heard coach lee say something like… not to let this -” you gesture in between the two of you, “- end up like whatever happened between them.”
sanghyuk’s figure stiffens and then relaxes, like he’s releasing a sigh of relief. he finally turns around, dabbing at his forehead with the back of his hand as he sits down on one of the foam blocks near the door.
“i heard they used to be close,” he murmurs, casting a look at the door to make sure none of the juniors have decided to eavesdrop, “at least, that’s what i heard. i’m not sure.”
“coach said she taught her everything,” you cross your arms, “how to choreograph, her first job… and then apparently she just up and left one day.”
“that’s not fair to either of them,” sanghyuk says, with enough conviction it startles you slightly, “nobody except for themselves know why she left. coach kim probably doesn’t even know the whole truth - and that’s why she’s angry. it’s easier to be angry than to sit with the truth.”
you fidget in your sneakers.
“you’re talking about yourself, aren’t you?”
sanghyuk looks up sharply.
“everyone kept asking me why - if i regret it, if i feel guilty. it made me wonder - is wanting something for yourself is just a betrayal? am i just being selfish?”
“of course not,” you blurt, “you’re just doing what you need to do. you’re allowed to want things.”
sanghyuk’s eyes soften, “you know.”
you fiddle with your hands, “coach always said you were destined for bigger and better things.”
sanghyuk winces, “i remember.”
"i guess she just didn’t realise it would be like this.”
the rink continues to move outside the door - a muffled round of applause, a shrill shriek of someone who slipped on the ice.
“do you like it there?”
“it’s… fine,” his thumb traced over his knuckles, “the others are nice, the ice time is competitive, the music choices are… choicing.”
his eyes flicker back up to you, “sometimes i miss our group, and… i miss the people there, too.”
you can feel the unspoken words in between the lines, the ones that seem far too similar to that one conversation you remember hazily, and the ones that you never really noticed.
“we’re too junior-ish and immature,” you swallow harshly, “you’re better off with coach lee, with people like donghyun.”
“you sure?” sanghyuk smiles, “i think about it sometimes. whether i made the right decision, whether it was worth giving up what i had because i thought it would be easier.”
“you didn’t give up anything. it was all you - from the beginning. i knew it from the first time we met, since that time i got off the ice from the b comp and was rightly pissed about my scores.”
sanghyuk stiffens, “you remember what i said.”
“i do.”
“i shouldn’t have made the assumption you wouldn’t,” sanghyuk sighs, looking down at the floor again, “so? what do you think?”
“w - what do i think?” you stutter, suddenly caught off guard.
“yeah,” sanghyuk stands up slowly, like he doesn’t want to disturb the peace the two of you are momentarily in, “about what i said at the banquet.”
before you can even think about your answer, the training room doors creak open and subin’s head peers through the crack. her eyes go comically wide as they dart between the two of you.
“oooh,” she singsongs, the vowel drawn out far too long, “i’m so telling wonyoung.”
“subin!” you hiss, swiping at her even when you’re more than a meter away.
“your secret is safe with me,” subin slaps her hand over her heart before guestering behind her, “but coach is coming this way, so you better get an acceptable distance between the two of you before she flips out.”
sanghyuk sighs loudly and subin scrambles away, giggling as she does so.
“later,” he says, one foot out the door and his ears embarrassingly red.
you pick up his abandoned towel and throw it at him. he catches it in one hand, letting out a laugh of disbelief.
“later,” you say, the word hanging between the two of you like a promise.
you skate out of your y-spin with more finesse you’ve had combined over the past two days. your thighs are burning in that way that tells you you’ve done something right and you’re alight with the buzz of adrenaline. your nerves feel frayed and your arm trembles from the effort.
subin whistles from where she is from the boards, wiggling her eyebrows at you and winking exaggeratedly when you look over at her exasperatedly. wonyoung remains blissfully confused, her eyes shifting between the two of you as she glides over, water bottle in hand.
“what’s up with you guys?” she asks, the sound of your skates on ice drowning out subin’s obvious giggle behind her hand, “you two have been acting so weird for the past hour.”
“nothing’s up,” you emphasise, grabbing onto the boards as you glare at subin, “i don’t know why subin is making such a big deal out of nothing.”
“oh, something is definitely up,” subin singsongs.
“what? did you catch [y/n] and sanghyuk kissing in the training room or something?” wonyoung says absentmindedly, taking a sip from her bottle.
both you and subin fall suspiciously silent.
“wait, really?” wonyoung’s eyes widen as her hand comes up to cover her mouth.
“no!” you blubber, slamming your hands onto subin’s shoulder, “sanghyuk and i were just… talking!”
“is just talking code for something else?” wonyoung blinks innocently.
“sure you were - ‘just talking’ my ass,” subin snickers.
“subin, language!” you scold, your cheeks tingling with shame, “and we were really just talking!”
“you can tell me anything, you know?” wonyoung whispers from behind her palm, “my lips are sealed.”
“i’m telling you - there’s nothing going on!”
coach’s whistle breaks up the conversation, and wonyoung and subin exchange a look that leaves you huffing and embarrassed as the three of you skate over to where the rest of the group is reconvening.
someone hands you your skate guards. coach kim is yelling at everyone to get in a line, even though she really doesn’t have to because you do the same thing every friday session. subin and wonyoung jostle each other for the earlier place in the line while you hang back, letting the younger kids squeeze in ahead of you. coach is barking observations and comments at everyone as they exit the rink, a force of habit she can’t get rid of, or want to.
"keonho, have you thought about my suggestion to reconsider your music choice? ... no? you think its ‘badass’? ... well i don't think the judges will see it the same way. let's circle back on this tomorrow."
you wait your turn, at the end of the line as the rest of the skaters file into the changing room ahead of you with an eagerness that comes after a long skating session. coach kim pats subin on the back.
"subin! lovely work on that choreo sequence, keep it up, okay? we'll run through the step sequence tomorrow."
subin smiles brightly and coach moves on, grabbing onto wonyoung's shoulders and shaking her slightly.
"a little more oomph with the choreography, wonyoung. it's time to step it up! ... no, i don't care if you're tired. the music doesn't wait for anyone!"
wonyoung trudges off, mumbling about her sleep schedule as you approach coach kim.
"[y/n], you've worked hard today," she pats you on the arm, "i would appreciate a little more commitment to the jumps next time, alright? we’re going to land them, not maybe we’ll land them. understood?"
"yes, coach," your chirp dutifully as coach ticks something off her clipboard of observation and logs with finality.
"go get some rest," she says absentmindedly, thumbing through her pages, "i'll see you back here tomorrow."
"night," you roll your shoulders as the fatigue finally takes over, your body suddenly heavy and sore, and the cold from the rink bites into you even through your tights.
you're shoving your skates into your bag when your phone buzzes in your jacket pocket.
LSH: sooo about later
LSH: can later be now?
you catch yourself smiling at your phone before reality hits you like a cold splash to the face. you sit down on the bench and glance around - the changing room is relatively empty except for some of the younger kids lounging around, waiting for their parents to pick them up and chirping excitedly amongst themselves.
you: now?
you: in the rink?
LSH: no silly
LSH: let me take you out
you: you do know every restaurant in a 50 mile radius is occupied by someone from the rink right
LSH: i know a place…
you: fine
you: give me ten minutes
you poke your head out of the building, looking back and forth out the front door. the ground is covered in snow and footsteps from various boots and sneakers. the air is cold enough you can see your breath in front of you and the street lamp in the far off distance wavers as the harsh white lights of the rink continues to glare down on you.
“boo,” sanghyuk breathes into your ear, grabbing your wrist before you can jump up and slip on the snow-covered concrete - an indiscretion coach kim would’ve definitely executed you for.
“you scared me,” you hiss as the two of you scurry away from the door, shoulders brushing against each other - both deadly serious about not being caught within 10 meters of each other and your heads swivel like a ball on a stick to survey the area around you.
sanghyuk is bundled in his white puffer jacket, zipper zipped all the way to his chin as he rubs his glove-covered hands together. the tip of his nose is tinged red from the cold and he stuffs a hand warmer produced from his pockets into your bare hands.
“you look warm,” you mumble from behind your own jacket collar.
“i am,” sanghyuk says frankly, pulling out his phone from his jacket and taking his best stab at the screen with his gloved fingers.
“so, what’s this place you’re going to show me?” you shove your hands, hand warmer and all, into your pockets as you trudge behind him, leaving faint footsteps on the pavement with your boots.
“it’s a hole in the wall,” his footsteps slow down so you can catch up, “i used to go there everyday after practice - well, my mom would bring me there. she knows the owner, i think. it’s grandma’s friend? or a friend of a friend? anyways, donghyun said the food was too greasy, so you know no skater would be caught dead there. except for us, which means -”
sanghyuk looks back at you, blinks like he’s bewildered with the fact you’re still following him, and his neck flushes a light pink that you just about catch under the dim street lamps.
"mean what?” you laugh, "finish your sentence, sanghyuk.”
"nothing,” he mumbles, slapping a hand over the back of his neck as his pace quickens frantically.
sanghyuk hurried into an alleyway and didn’t look back for you, even when you wavered uncertainly at the alley entrance. not until he pulled a door that seemed like it was nearly falling off its hinges and beckoned you over did you scuttle down the alleyway.
the tteokbokki stall was awash in a warm golden light and the floor was appropriately tacky. steam heats up your face as sanghyuk pulled you down to a seat at the bar. he was right - there really wasn’t anyone you knew in the seats - just an elderly man reading a newspaper in the corner and teenage couple sat knee-to-knee near the door, whispering into each others ears.
the old woman behind the bar greets sanghyuk in a way that tells you they’re far too familiar with each other. she doesn’t say much, instead just plopping a steaming, heaping bowl of tteokbokki and a plate of fried mandu between the two of you before shuffling off towards the back, loudly announcing about how ‘sanghyuk-ie brought his girlfriend, dear!’.
“girlfriend?” you raise an eyebrow at sanghyuk, who is diligently unwrapping chopsticks with extreme care and deliberately avoiding your gaze.
“she says that about everyone i come here with,” sanghyuk mumbles, face red, “don’t read into it.”
“like donghyun?” you tease.
sanghyuk just pushes the bowl and chopsticks towards you, eyesight wandering elsewhere, “just eat.”
you pop a rice cake into your mouth and you understand immediately why donghyun would call it too greasy - it’s sweet and spicy and exactly the type of stuff you shouldn’t be eating a week out from competition. the mandu is probably the saltiest thing you’ve eaten this week, and god is it good.
“good?” sanghyuk asks, watching you with an intensity unfitting for… watching you eat.
“it’s fine,” you huff, even though you’re already reaching for another piece.
“liar,” he laughs, nudging you with his knee underneath the table.
he then proceeds to rest his chin on his palm, propped up on the table as he watches you eat out of the corner of his eye, his own chopsticks still wrapped in paper and untouched. you feel guilty enough that halfway through the bowl you push it back towards him and act uninterested enough for him to finally pick up his own pair of chopsticks, ripping apart the paper wrapping and digging into the tteokbokki.
for a while you sit there, awkwardly staring at the table until sanghyuk clears his throat.
“so,” he says, setting down his chopsticks, and turning to face you properly, “you didn’t give me an answer to my question in the training room.”
“i believe subin interrupted before i could,” you thrum your fingers against the lacquered wood counter.
“convenient,” sanghyuk flashes you an awkward smile. there’s no bite to his response, but rather a soft nervousness that makes it almost seem like he regrets asking in the first place, “so?”
you fiddle with a paper napkin, the corner already shredded from your earlier machinations as the same giddy nervousness from the hotel hallway overtakes you. in the background, an dilapidated tv drones on, replaying an old soap opera. the old lady behind the bar clashes with the exclamations from the characters by raising the volume on her radio, playing some old trot song you’ve probably heard before from your father’s collection. the bell above the door rings softly as the elderly man exits the store, and the soup behind the counter continues to bubble and boil.
“i spent the past weeks trying to block you on everything - messages, instagram, spotify - trying to avoid you in a stadium filled with hundreds of people,” you squeeze your eyes shut, “and none of it worked. you’re everywhere to me, even when i close my eyes, you’re right there.”
sanghyuk’s breath hitches - you catch it under all of the noise around you.
you open your eyes and force yourself to meet his eyes even as heat floods your face, “i didn’t want to say it because it felt like betraying coach kim. b - but yeah. not anymore.”
“not anymore?” sanghyuk prods.
you take a deep breath in, “i think i’m tired of coach trying to tell me who i can and can’t care about.”
a smile splits slowly across sanghyuk’s face, like a sun that peeks over the clouds. slowly, as if he’s afraid you’d bolt if he moved too quickly, he reaches out to cup his hand over yours on the table. his hands are colder than your own, and your heart drumming in your ears mirrors the rush of adrenaline you get when you nearly slam out of a jump on ice.
“for the record,” he says quietly, “i’m tired of that too.”
the old woman shuffles back, casts one look at your joined hands, and hums approvingly while refilling your cups. the two of you stare at her in embarrassing silence before she wanders away again, deliberately looking away as she whistles, all without a single word.
“so…” sanghyuk says, watching you cover his colder hands with your own. your warmth seeps into him, “what now?”
the ringing of your phone answers for you.
fs.session someone just spotted @ ynln and @ uriwoo_sh holding hands and eating out?? new couple alert??
“i promise i didn’t say anything,” subin whispers when you brush past her in the morning, your face set in a permanent frown.
“it’s fine,” you set down your equipment with a little more force than usual.
“i - i really didn’t!” subin pleads as she wrings her hands in worry.
“it’s alright, subin. i know,” you take a deep breath in, “you’re not in trouble.”
“i’m sorry,” she whispers.
“it’s gonna happen eventually,” you paused, “i just didn’t expect it to be literally right after.”
“[y/n] [l/n]!” coach kim shrieked from outside the locker room, “office! now!”
you sighed, “if i don’t come out alive, you know where i hid the money.”
subin nods solemnly.
when you enter coach kim’s room, she’s already pacing behind her desk.
“sit down,” she snaps.
she glares at you when you don’t, electing to just stand by the door.
“do you understand what you did wrong?” she waves a finger at you, “[y/n], you are my oldest student. of all people, i didn’t expect for you to do this to me.”
“i didn’t do anything to you,” you say lowly.
“what was that?”
“i said - i didn’t do anything to you!”
horror flashes across her face as you barrel on, “you’re the one who did this to yourself!”
“h - how dare you -!”
“i spent weeks tiptoeing around sanghyuk - pretending i hated him, because you said so. and then before that - jumping, competing, living - just because you said so! i did everything you asked me to - and more! just because you were my coach and i - i trusted you knew what was best for me!”
“that’s not -”
“why do you not want me to see him?” you stomp your feet in frustration, “so that you can feel like you’re winning over coach lee some way? that you finally have some sort of leverage on her? i’m just some sort of statement - pawn - in your game, aren’t i? but i’m not! i’m no longer a part of whatever shit you two have going on! i don’t want to be part of your feud - situationship!”
“[y/n], you’re not listening -” coach kim splutters.
“ten years,” you cut her off, “ten years you gave to sanghyuk. i get it, i really do. seeing him just walk away like that? it must hurt. i’ve always done what you told me to do - because i thought you knew better. but i’m not going to let you - let you just control me like this anymore!”
tears spring to your eyes as the room goes quiet - the humming of the air vents continues, the zamboni continues to truck along the ice, someone is blowing obnoxiously on a whistle. the world continues to spin as you and coach slow into a standstill.
“i do know better,” coach kim said quietly, her voice smaller than you have ever heard it, “i did thirty years of this. i know what it takes to be the best, [y/n]. what it takes to succeed.”
she thunders on, "you think this is all about me and taeyeon - and fine! i admit it! i am a revengeful, petty person! but do you know what happens to skaters who get distracted? they let someone else become the reason for their falls and pops and low scores. i’ve seen it happen. you’ve seen it happen - remember dongmin’s little girlfriend? she got distracted and now what? he’s dancing with another girl and all she can do is watch. i’m telling you, [y/n]. i do know better - i at least know better than you.”
she sits down heavily, breathing hard like her speech took the wind out of her.
“maybe,” you say quietly, “but you don’t get to decide who i love while you’re at it.”
the words land heavier than you meant it, and it feels daunting to say things you’ve never even admitted out loud to yourself before.
"why?” she whispers, "why do you have to make everything so hard? why am i the only one with a brain around here?!”
"you might have a brain, but you also have a heart. we all do.”
coach kim stares at you, her face contorts - into fury - then mellows out into something like grief. she slumps into her chair, like all of the fight was suddenly yanked out of her.
“does he really make you happy?” she asks, voice barely a whisper.
“yes.”
coach kim grows quiet, looking at her hands as she turns them over, back and forth, like she’s debating with herself what to say.
“are you going to leave me too?” she finally looks up.
you ball your fist.
“if i have to,” you eventually say, “if you don’t agree, t - then i don’t see how this can work out anymore…”
coach kim flinches like you slapped her across the face.
“i don’t want you to leave,” her voice cracks, “you’re my first skater - the one i truly made my own. before subin, before wonyoung, before even sanghyuk. you’re my skater.”
“i get it,” your voice wavers and you hate how you sound like that seven year old kid who wandered into the rink for the first time, “it’s hard.”
“i’m not -” she stops, swallowing harshly before speaking again, “i’m not good at this - goodbyes - letting go.”
“i know,” you say sharply, "i’m not saying it has to be now. i’m just saying you have to stop letting me and sanghyuk be part of your feud with coach lee.”
coach kim is silent - long enough for you to start planning your post-competitive career because you’re certain she’s already drafting your notice of dismissal letter in her head.
she steeples her fingers and places her elbows on the table, like she’s trying to hide her face.
"taeyeon and i’s… unique situation - cannot be resolved in just one talk in an office. but if lee sanghyuk truly makes you happy… and you truly feel that way… then i suppose i can’t do anything to dissuade you.”
you hold your tongue, in case a tremor or breath betrays you.
"i still remember when the both of you were still training doubles. the two of you would rather giggle and hold hands at the edge of the rink and i’d have to yell at you two to get to work,” she says quietly, more to herself than you, "where did they go? now look at you - telling off your coach in her own office.”
coach looks up at you.
"sanghyuk -” she stops, ruminating over her next words as her jaw works, "- tell him to lace his skates tighter. he keeps looking like he’s going to fall out of them.”
you nod slowly.
"go,” coach kim mumbles, shooing you away, "i better see a clear entry edge on your lutz tonight during the runthrough. and if i ever catch you slacking because you stayed up all night giggling while texting him, lee sanghyuk is toast. understand?”
"yes, ma’am,” you try to stop your voice from trembling.
coach kim massages her head, "taeyeon was… right. i shouldn’t let you kids pay for what she - we - did…”
she glares up at you, "why are you still standing there? i told you to go!”
you scramble out of her office before she can change her mind, nearly bumping into subin and wonyoung who both tried to pretend they didn’t have their ears pressed to the door.
"are you okay?” subin buzzes with worry, "d - do we have to say goodbye?”
you smile softly, "no - it’s fine.”
"are you sure?” subin frets, "this isn’t one of coach kim’s sick form of revenge, right?”
you pause, "at least for now - sanghyuk and i are okay.”
you pat subin on the head, driving your knuckles into her hair.
wonyoung makes a face, "sanghyuk and i,” she parrots.
subin grins, finally letting herself relax as she wraps her arms around you two, "you two are gross.”
your phone buzzes in your pocket, you don’t even have to check to see who it is.
LSH: are we still on for tonight?
you: only if you ask me nicely (but yes)
LSH: y/n l/n, will you go on a date with me? :)
but no promises ;)
♡ or ↻ if you enjoyed, support your writers, thank you!!
what did you think? drop your thoughts in my inbox!
“and you can keep me inside this little locket. right by your heart.” he holds his palm against your chest, locket underneath, to emphasize.
the action is meant to console you, but the warmth of his hand is only a reminder of what’s coming. sanghyeok’s leaving for tour. sure, he’ll still be here for two more days, but not with you. not at home. the warmth of his palm is the last feeling of his warmth you’ll feel for a while. a year at least.
and it brings tears to your eyes. that all too familiar feeling of your nose stinging. you feel the pads of his thumbs wipe beneath your eyes. his hands still hold on to your face. he leans in to kiss the tip of your nose.
“it’s only for a while, my love. i’ll be back before you know it.” and finally a kiss to your lips. “wait for me to come home.”
sanghyeok is a taker. he takes everything you give him with no complaints. he finds pleasure in his punishments. a vibrator on his cock making him feel nothing but euphoric. edging making his toes curl. teasing his rim with your strap does nothing but make him let out slutty moans. he sucks it with no problem too. doesn’t act like a brat about it because he loves your praise. he especially loves when your nails scratch at his abdomen as you deepthroat his cock. he just loves being the center of your attention.
Neuroscience suggests that it’s good for the brain to forget. Especially painful memories. Sanghyuk doesn’t understand why you keep revisiting that day… until he does.
TROPES. pacific rim au, hurt/comfort, he becomes her safe space
WARNINGS. birth names used, canon-typical mentions of violence, loss and death, mc has ptsd and panic attacks, past minor character (mc’s co-pilot) death mentioned a lot
WORDS. 6.6k
NOTES. i guess it's a series now... @mirouie ranger taesan shows up in this too for like 2 seconds
third event of the love & war series
When Sanghyuk started his neuroscience studies, he didn’t expect the world to go to shit midway and to end up working for the military on a technology so advanced even the best of the field could barely comprehend it. He has always thought that his professor has recommended him to the Busan Shatterdome because he was on the top of his classes and a scholarship kid, so he couldn’t really afford to say no. But now as he watches yet another neural bridge fall apart during a Drift test, he wonders if it has something to do with his (mind you, still unfinished) thesis research on brainwave behaviour when different types of memories are triggered.
Everyone knows that there are two main reasons why the number of successful Drifts are low: R.A.B.I.T and the modesty reflex. When Random Access Brain Impulse Triggers occur, the pilots get stuck in a memory blurring lines between reality and subconscious, which unstabilizes the connection both between them and the Jaeger. Or worst case, their actions in the memory get reflected in the robot’s movements which can cause huge damage. Modesty reflex is kind of the opposite: it’s a psychologists-coined term about when the pilots try to control what memories appear during Drift, usually out of embarrassment. It’s probably why a lot of cadets are unfit to actually pilot. It’s especially frustrating when it happens to pairs who would be perfect for the role on paper.
“Let’s pull them out,” Chaein suggests but before she could but even before she could manually stop the drifting process, the compatibility score displayed on the computer plunges from a promising 56% to zero. The girl cadet rips the helmet off her head and turns to the boy lying in the seat next to her with barely concealed anger. Sanghyuk half-expects her to hit him but then she just sighs and turns to him instead.
“He’s not letting me in. It’s not going to work. I don’t get why they are making us keep trying,” she says and Sanghyuk understands her frustration but the rules don’t allow him to tell her that out of all the cadets, their simulation scores and combat styles are the closest to compatibility. That’s why the Marshal is making them do a test run weekly. In about two months, the Mark-6 Jaeger will be ready and it will need pilots.
“It won’t change unless he gets his shit together,” the girl points out the obvious.
“Maybe I would if you didn’t barrel into my mind like a bull as soon as we’re connected,” Kim Woonhak protests immediately as he has sat up. His words only make the girl scowl at him.
“I’m not! But you know what? Whatever. I will be a Jaeger pilot way sooner than you,” she says decidedly and marches out of the Drift Test Room. The door closes behind her with a loud bang. Chaein stands up and follows her.
When Sanghyuk looks back at Woonhak, he has the decency to look somewhat sheepish at least. It makes it impossible to be mad at him. Sanghyuk knows he shouldn’t but he has somewhat of a soft spot towards him. It’s hard not to when he sits down at his table in the canteen, calls him hyung and flatters his ego with awestruck looks when he learns about his job. So Sanghyuk sighs and just adds their results into the system.
“She’s right, you know? You should stop trying to control memories during Drift. Just… calm your mind and try not to think of anything. If a memory pops up, let it pass,” he says while typing in the usual metrics: Drift length, compatibility score, achieved phase, cause of instability.
“I managed to Drift with Minjae though,” the cadet points out defensively and Sanghyuk gives him an unimpressed look.
“Yeah and then couldn’t keep the connection stable for five seconds because you kept laughing at something in your memories,” he reminds him, then after a deliberate pause turns in his chair to face him. “Look, Woonhak, you can be the best fighter out there but if you can’t Drift, you can’t pilot a Jaeger.”
“I knoow,” the boy whines not unlike how he does when Han Dongmin steals his fries during lunch. He looks like a defiant child when he insists: “But I can’t do it with her. She is like the bane of my existence."
Sanghyuk rubs his temple. Big words.
“She’s one of the best cadets,” he reminds him even though he knows Woonhak is well aware. The two of them have been competing ever since the boy set foot in Busan. It probably had something to do with the girl humiliating him during their first time on the Kwoon combat mat. Sanghyuk never asked, he isn’t nosy like that, Woonhak just likes to overshare and gossip goes around quickly in the Shatterdome. “Anyways, send in the next pair and don’t forget to meditate before our next session. I will know if you skip it.”
Woonhak salutes and makes promises he probably won’t keep because he has trouble sitting in one place for too long. Sanghyuk doesn’t have it in him to be angry, so he just prepares the Drift setup for the next cadet duo.
He’s ready to clock out from work for the day and get some fresh air that’s not the overly sterilized smell of K-Science wing or the accumulated rust, burned metal and grease from the J-Tech wing when the Marshal calls for him. Now, that’s not often that it happens, so he can’t help but wonder what he did… or didn’t do. Then maybe the man merely wants to ask about his personal opinion beyond the numbers about the cadets. He isn’t delusional about his position in the organization when the head of their department is right there but Miss Kim is rarely in for cadet tests since she’s more concerned with active Rangers.
“You called for me, sir?” Sanghyuk steps into the Marshal’s office after politely knocking and waiting to be granted permission to go in.
“Ah, Sanghyuk, yes. Please sit,” the man instructs him and shuffles through a pile of dossiers on top of his desk. He’s not the type of person to go in a roundabout way about anything and Sanghyuk appreciates his directness when he slides one of the folders in front of him. “PPDC transfers here a Ranger from Incheon for rehabilitation.”
Sanghyuk lets the last word echo in the room like a gunshot. He knows what it means. Something happened and the soldier is now unqualified to pilot. He opens the folder and scans through the first page. The girl in the picture is vaguely familiar to him but he can’t quite place where from until he spots the Jaeger name: Vicious Siege. It was all over the news a few months ago.
“Y/N lost her partner during the Shanghai attack. She has recovered since physically but mentally she has been struggling,” the Marshal continues while Sanghyuk reads further. Nightmares. Anxiety. Survivor’s guilt. It sounds like something a psychologist could help with, not him. So he doesn’t understand. He looks up at his superior, the question on the tip of his mouth but the man is already ready with the answer: “She wants to Drift again.”
“Oh,” Sanghyuk mutters and glances at the girl in the picture again while the Marshal talks about objectives and changes in his schedule. He nods robotically but his thoughts are miles away.
PTSD is not unusual, a lot of Jaeger pilots experience various versions of it. Some can’t make themselves get in a Jaeger again after seeing a Kaiju in real life. Some can’t overcome a traumatic Drift experience or losing their co-pilot. Usually when a Jaeger is destroyed, both pilots die, either from actual physical reasons like the Kaiju piercing through the Conn-Pod or sinking to the bottom of the ocean with their oxygen supplies cut, but it can happen from the mental stress as well. It’s rarer that one of the pilots survives and Sanghyuk hasn’t heard of a case when they went back to field ever again. They’re usually discharged from Ranger duties if not altogether leave behind their career at PPDC.
As he’s leaving the Marshal’s office with a dossier in hand, he can’t help but wonder what makes you want to be wired up to a machine again. Patriotism? Guilt? Or you just have something to prove?
Word gets around quickly in the Shatterdome about the new transfer and the whispers are quite loud. Everybody has heard of what happened with Vicious Siege. Everybody knows that only one of the pilots made it back alive. Everybody has different theories why.
The classified case file in Sanghyuk hand feels heavy.. He started reading it the day before but stopped after half a page. It just felt wrong to read about the tragic events so clinically described with numbers he knows well: Drift parameters, Jaeger sync data, Rangers referred to with numbers instead of names…
He knew what he needed to know. Nobody could forget the Shanghai attack. It was the first time a Category V Kaiju came from the Pacific Rim. It was not only massive in size but it was smarter than any of its peers, almost like these creatures learn and evolve even if Jaegers keep killing them off. This Kaiju hid in the waters and attacked from behind, bit into Vicious Siege’s leg and dragged it underwater then pierced through the robot’s body again and again with its spiky tail. The LOCCENT lost contact with the Jaeger after the Conn-Pod was breached. If the backup didn’t arrive in time from Hongkong and Fukuoka, the Kaiju would have surely left an unprecedented damage on the Chinese coastline. The broadcast was cut off right after the Kaiju was declared dead. Everybody was celebrating when not even twenty minutes later the news came: one pilot in critical condition and one dead.
Sanghyuk isn’t sure what he expected from meeting somebody who has been so close to being grasped by Death but when you walk into the Drift Test Room, it’s different. You don’t wear the usual Ranger uniform but two sets of dog tags still hang from your neck. You don’t carry yourself like something broken but there’s something ghost-like in your eyes, like you are not really there.
He stands up from behind the computer.
“Ranger L/N–” He greets you politely and bites his tongue where a sliver of hurt flashes in your eyes. What a great way to start, he internally scolds himself.
“I’m not a Ranger anymore,” you correct him in a neutral voice that makes him wonder whether it’s just how you think or you have been officially discharged from the post. But why would they go along with the drifting practice if either was the case? PPDC isn’t famous for its generosity when it comes to its resources.
Your attitude doesn’t tell much about your reasons as you glance around the room that’s not much more than a Pons system and two drifting seats. There are not even windows there, just the quiet hum of the ventilation system and for a moment Sanghyuk worries that it might bring a claustrophobic feeling and bad memories but then you turn back to him with a small smile on your face.
“Just Y/N is fine,” you tell him, your dry, bitten lips curling up slightly. He can’t tell who you’re trying to fool: him or yourself. “You’re Lee Sanghyuk, right?”
He nods and pulls out the extra chair from behind the computer. He doesn’t want to jump straight into drifting practice. He needs to know what to expect.
“The Marshal told me you want to practice drifting alone to see if you can still maintain a stable connection,” he says once you’re seated and he sits down as well. He wants to be on the same page with you about what you expect from these sessions. The Marshal also told him that every Drift initiated back in Incheon went awry, so going back to the foundation seems like a good idea. Cadets start drifting alone just to get used to having their minds hooked onto a machine before being paired up to attempt proper Neural Handshakes.
“Yes, that’s what I told him,” you nod and Sanghyuk can tell that there’s more to it, so he raises an eyebrow at you in a silent question, not pushing, not rushing, just waiting. Eventually you give in. “But I don’t want you to pull me out when I get R.A.B.I.T.”
He notes that you say when and not if, almost like you’re sure it would happen or maybe you would even want it to. You’re a Ranger with experience: you have run through countless Drift tests, full-on simulations and even real Drifts. Sure, the trauma you have suffered could affect your ability to do so but even then the pattern your test results from Incheon show is too much of a coincidence: being hit by R.A.B.I.T every single time right after connection is established.
Almost like you’re not even trying to empty your thoughts and stabilize the connection.
“You want to relive your memories,” he realizes. It’s not a question but he looks at you for some kind of confirmation. You keep eye contact stubbornly, not denying it and that says enough.
“I was a left hemisphere pilot. Do you know what that means?” You ask as you glance sideways at the drifting seats.
It doesn’t sound like you expect him to say anything, so he keeps his mouth shut. Of course he knows. Right-hand pilots are considered the dominant ones. In case of conflicting decisions from the two sides, the right one would overrule the left. It also makes them have better chances at survival purely because of the instinctual brain reaction that also makes car drivers turn the steering wheel away when seeing danger.
“Statistically, logically, it should be me who’s dead. And I don’t remember why I’m not.”
There’s a tremble in your voice as you say that and your knuckles whiten as you curl your fingers into the chair you sit on. It’s the first crack in the strong facade you’ve put up so far. It does explain though why you would like to chase the rabbit on purpose. A Drift usually brings back memories from the subconscious even if they’re suppressed or old enough to be forgotten. But there’s always a reason why the brain decides to smudge details.
Once again Sanghyuk feels a bit out of his element. His job is to make sure drifting processes are safe and teach the cadets how to prepare for it, it’s not his responsibility to tell you that it’s a bad idea to relive traumatic memories even if he thinks so.
“Are you sure this is the best solution?” He asks quietly as he pushes back up his glasses and pinches his nose bridge. When he opens his eyes again, you’re looking back at him with something pensive swimming in your eyes.
“My psychologist told me not to force it. According to him I just need to get out more, make new friends, get new experiences. He says it will get better with time. He’s probably right but it’s hard to believe him when I still wake up crying or screaming in the middle of the night.”
Your honesty leaves Sanghyuk speechless for a bit. He’s not good with vulnerability, not his and much less others’. It always makes him feel like opening the door to something he shouldn’t see.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers, not because it’s anywhere near his fault but because he doesn’t think anybody deserves to be plagued by nightmares and the heavy weight of grief and guilt. But like it or not, that’s the world they live in now. Marred with unfair losses and constant fear.
You shake your head but even when your hair falls into your eyes, you don’t bother to brush it away. It’s almost like you don’t even notice it because you have more important things to focus on.
“I didn’t tell you this to get your sympathy. I just want you to understand why I need to do this,” you tell him, determined. He might not understand it fully yet but he has no professional reason to stop you.
“If you’re really sure, we can try,” he says, reaching towards the computer to switch on the Pons systems and load in your data. “I won’t pull you out unless it’s starting to overwhelm you.”
That’s the most he can promise you. He won’t let you risk your life over memories no matter how important they are. You probably understand the weight of that responsibility too because you don’t argue, just nod and walk over to the drifting seat. It’s different from the proper Drivesuit with spinal clamps you’re probably more used to but for test runs, it’s unnecessary to get connected to something as complex as a Jaeger, for a simple Pons system a much lighter equipment is enough to imitate a Drift.
What comes after you’re seated is all part of the routine: he puts a pulse oximeter on your right index finger and a patch on the top of your spine. He hands you a Pons helmet which is also full of sensors. His computer screen fills with data about your heartbeat, hormone levels, brain activity and such. Everything looks normal. Sanghyuk expected elevated levels of sweat functions and rapid pulse but you seem calm. Then he realizes you have done this dozens of times if not hundreds. Of course you know how to regulate your reactions. The issues start when your subconsciousness takes over.
“Ready?”
Your gazes meet as you nod, then you close your eyes and he presses a button.
“Test Drift initiated,” a robotic voice announces and Sanghyuk watches your body tense up.
It will rain.
Dark splashes of clouds are gathering on the horizon and the waves are getting wilder by the minute. He can practically smell the rain in the air already, humid and heavy. He knows he should go inside but doesn’t move, just watches the sea eat up the beach, waves licking at the Shatterdome’s massive walls.
Over the sound of the sea and his loud thoughts, he hears the rooftop’s door open and close behind him faintly and then soon enough there’s a solid body right beside him.
“What’s gotten you so zoned out?” Jaehyun gets all into his space, rubbing their arms together like he needs the warmth of another person. Maybe he does: he has been surrounded by giant mecha parts all day and it’s not like the technicians can chit-chat among themselves at the workstation while drilling, laser cutting, forging and such. He’s still in his work overalls, smelling faintly of grease but Sanghyuk doesn’t mind; it’s familiar.
“If you watched somebody really close to you die, would you want to remember it? Even recall it on purpose?” The question stumbles out of his mouth after careful consideration. Not because he’s afraid Jaehyun wouldn’t take it seriously but because he isn’t sure how much he can tell without exposing too much. Nobody knows he has been assigned to guide you through Drifts again but it’s only a matter of time.
“I guess it depends on what happened. If they passed away in a brutal way, I don’t think I could stomach seeing it again but otherwise I would want to cherish our last memory together,” Jaehyun hums, leaning more into him when a particularly cold blow of air comes their way.
“Wouldn’t it be better to focus on the happy memories with them?”
“Life’s not all about the happy parts,” the J-Technician matters, thoughtful, before his mouth forms a grin and he playfully nudges into Sanghyuk’s side. “We wouldn’t have even met if it wasn’t for Kaijus trying to kill us.”
That makes Sanghyuk smile too and he lets Jaehyun drag him inside when the first big droplets of the rainstorm reach them.
When you started crying and your cortisol levels were rising during the first time he was watching over your Drift, he had the urge to go against your request and stop the process immediately but he respected you enough not to. The fact that you were there and trying shows that you’re stronger than most people. He swore he wouldn’t make the mistake of underestimating you.
Now, you’re coming back every other day to try again and again and again.
Sometimes you don’t get to latch onto the memory you’re looking for. It’s always quite obvious when that happens because your charts are normal, your numbers are much less frantic. Afterwards sometimes you tell him bits about the memory you saw: your father teaching you to bike, the trouble you used to get in at school for not paying attention or your first time on the mat with your co-pilot. Sometimes you’re quiet and he knows better than to ask. He just shares his stack of sweets with you.
Other times you startle out of the Drift by yourself almost right after the initial connection is established. It’s like your brain has a built-in safety switch whenever you get close to remembering. You don’t say anything but Sanghyuk can tell that you’re getting frustrated whenever that happens, so he reads through every available neuroscience and psychology paper on the topic. He suggests doing thought experiments, brain dumps, walking him through that day until you remember.
He already knows how it went: the exact steps to the Conn-Pod from your bunk bed, the shade of the liquid filling your Drivesuit after the spinal cords are attached, your argument with your co-pilot the day before about something ridiculous, the eerie feeling of being watched after being dropped down into the ocean with no Kaiju in sight and then the yank from under the surface.
But the memories are not always sequential. He sees the exact moment something goes differently during your next Drift. Your body switches to fight-or-flight mode and your heart rate goes crazy. Your breathing becomes erratic and he can see the adrenaline spike on your hormone chart. It’s when you start shaking and whimpering your former partner’s name when Sanghyuk ultimately decides on pressing the kill switch and pulls you out of the Drift, disconnecting you from the machine. Even after the connection goes dead you can barely catch your breath beneath the Pons helmet.
“Y/N?” He calls your name, gently, trying not to startle you when he puts a hand over your arm. Your skin is cold and dressed in a thin layer of sheer sweat. You don’t answer but your body is still heaving and it scares him.
“Y/N… Can you hear me?” He takes the helmet off you and cradles your jaw in one hand, checking your forehead for fever with his other. You can barely open your eyes and keep gasping for air.
“I– I can’t breathe… I–” You mutter, clearly hyperventilating as you grab onto his wrist for some kind of anchor and Sanghyuk tries his best to stay still. He has had to calm down cadets too when a Drift attempt overwhelmed them but this is different. He lets you lean your weight on him and puts his free hand gingerly on your back while you’re sobbing into his shoulder.
“It’s gonna be alright. Listen to me, okay? We’re going to breathe slowly. In–” he instructs and demonstrates a long, deep inhale, encouraging you to follow him. “Then out.”
He repeats the pattern a few times until you’re doing well enough on your own, tears drying on your cheeks just before the panic settles over. It takes a few minutes of nothing but silence and quiet breathing but he can finally feel your body relax against him. It makes him relieved too.
“Sorry,” you whisper into the air between when you pull back and realize that your tears have left a wet patch on his shirt.
“Don’t be,” Sanghyuk simply shakes his head and watches you carefully. “Do you feel somewhat better?”
“Yes but…” you cast your eyes down, cracking your fingers in your lap. “I was so close this time. I saw the Kaiju’s tail pierce through the Conn-Pod’s glass. We lost connection to the LOCCENT and the pod started to get filled with water. It felt like drowning.”
Your voice is still weak and you look visibly shaken up but at least you’re more present than before. Seeing you like this breaks Sanghyuk’s heart a little.
“Are you sure you still want to do this?” He finds himself asking because even though he understands why you would like to remember, he’s starting to think that maybe it’s better that you don’t. There must be a good reason why your subconscious is fighting back so intensely.
When you don’t answer, just sink your teeth into your already chapped lips like you’re trying to hold yourself back, he doesn’t push.
“I have this sort of hiding place where I go when things get a bit too much. Not that much of a hiding place anymore actually since my friends found out but it’s still nice,” he changes topic. It’s quite unprofessional of him, so he doesn’t blame you for looking at him surprised, but he pushes through the awkwardness. “Would you like to check it out?”
There’s a long moment of silence as you stare at him and he thinks you will call him out on acting weirdly. But instead, a shadow of a smile appears on your lips before nodding.
So Sanghyuk takes you to the rooftop and indulges your questions about how he figured out that the door leading there is never locked, about his friends who sometimes bother his peace even when he just wants to be alone (because they know as an overthinker it’s bad to let him simmer too long alone with his thoughts), about his job and what he likes about it. You even seem to appreciate his nerdy neuroscience fun facts about spinal cord mechanisms and neurons and such. You’re especially invested when he tells you that the reason why PPDC is pushing the Jaeger Academy programs is because the newest research shows that pilots under the age of 25, whose frontal lobe development hasn’t finished yet, are often handling Drifting better than their older counterparts. He talks about memory capacity and how access time changes with age and you joke that you would have paid more attention in training if he was your drift specialist back then. Sanghyuk blushes like a teenager because of that.
The two of you talk until the Sun sets and you seem much better than back in the Drift test room. It’s nice, just sharing a space and sharing stories. For a while it’s easy to forget that humanity is still fighting a deadly war.
Then two days later the attack alarm sets off and Sanghyuk watches through a screen as Canada loses a Jaeger and two Rangers. When he finds you in the crowd, you're shaking. He holds you until it stops.
“Would you drift with me?”
Sanghyuk can’t even pretend he is not taken aback when that question falls from your lips during your next session. You have barely lowered yourself into the seat and he got ready to set up the machine when you speak up. For a bit he thinks he has heard you wrong.
“What?”
“Maybe I could stay in the memory longer if I had somebody with me,” you say, more certain, like you have thought about it before. But you haven’t drifted with anybody since the Shanghai incident, so if you were, he would imagine it being better with somebody with more experience. The last time Sanghyuk drifted with somebody was during training when he got this job. So he’s about to protest, not because the thought of bearing your memories is too heavy but because you deserve better. A proper chance.
He doesn’t know yet that you don’t want anybody else. You want it to be him.
“And I… I trust you,” you whisper and that’s enough to make him give in.
That’s a big thing, a lot of responsibility. You’re entrusting him with your most traumatic memory. But two people drifting is never a one-way street, you would also poke into his brain. He knows it best that he shouldn’t control what comes to the surface once you’re connected but he realizes that with you, he doesn’t mind that vulnerability.
“Let me get Chaein,” is all he says and pretends not to notice your shoulders dropping in relief.
He finds the other drift specialist hanging out with the LOCCENT girls. When he steps into their circle and all of them look at him expectedly, he suddenly gets why even Jaehyun thinks twice before approaching a group of girls alone. They’re a bit scary.
“Uhm, hi! Can I borrow Chaein for a bit? I need her help with a Drift test,” he gets to the point in one big breath and luckily the girl is cool enough with the interruption. She’s not too weirded out about the idea of him drifting either and knows better than to ask one too many questions, so it’s all good.
In theory Sanghyuk knows everything about the drifting process. He has assisted probably hundreds since he came to the Shatterdome. He has helped dozens cadets master the art of emptying their thoughts and guided them through a smoother connection. And yet, it’s very different when it’s him who’s sitting in one of the seats. He keeps fidgeting with the Pons in his lap. He doesn’t want to mess this up for you. He would like it if he could help, if you were right about having him there with you could give you the push you need.
“You can still say no,” you remind him, patient, understanding but Sanghyuk shakes his head. How could he not do this when you have gone through hell? When you have been waking up in cold sweat for months? When you need this to move on? What kind of person – friend – he would be if he wouldn’t do so much for you? Or at least tried?
“Not happening. Unless you changed your mind?” He tilts his head, giving you a way out too, but you don’t take it. He smiles at you encouragingly before he puts on the helmet and leans back in the seat.
Chaein counts down and he closes his eyes, thinking of nothing but an empty space.
“Test Drift initiated,” the familiar robotic voice chimes and he feels thousands of tiny neuron shocks in his brain. Or maybe he just imagines it because he knows that’s how it’s supposed to go. For a long moment nothing happens, everything remains blank and static. He’s almost tempted to open his eyes. Maybe it’s not working. It would make sense on the first try. Two people might not need to be drift compatible to complete a test run but it’s still rare to immediately connect.
Then when he’s just about to give up, a white flash blinds him and suddenly he’s on a carousel of memories. They float around him like horses on that damned thing, spinning and moving up and down. He catches a few he recognizes: the last time he called his mom, that time he broke his arm in middle school, Jaehyun sitting at his table in the canteen after he spent his first two weeks at the Shatterdome making sure he sat alone. But he also sees unfamiliar faces and places and he knows these are your memories mixing with his.
He has never experienced R.A.B.I.T. himself, so he isn’t quite sure what to expect. When suddenly the world stops moving and everything stills like a movie frame, for a moment he thinks it’s over and you managed to connect with him successfully. But then he hears the loud beeping of a machine and feels something wet at his feet. He looks down and sees the rising sea water at his ankles. When he looks back up he’s suddenly in a Conn-Pod and there you are: attached with your Drivesuit’s spinal cord to the Jaeger right next to your co-pilot. You look horrified, eyes wide behind the shield of your helmet as you assess the damage in the cockpit around you.
Sanghyuk turns his head to the cracking glass of the Conn-Pod and his blood freezes when he sees the Kaiju’s massive scaled backside, its tail piercing right through everything that holds the control center of the Jaeger together.
“We lost connection to LOCCENT,” he hears your voice but he can’t be sure if it’s said out loud or it’s just in his mind. You’re connected after all. All of you: he’s wired to you who is in your past self’s body who is connected to your co-pilot. “Why is the plasmacaster not working? It will drown us at this rate. We should– Unnie…”
Your voice trails off and as Sanghyuk follows your gaze, the memory glitches, like an old television when the signal is too weak. Everything seems to blur around him and he feels you panic but it could be both present you or memory you.
“Stay with me, Y/N. You can do it,” he says, gentle and coaxing, trying to guide you with his voice. He isn’t sure you hear him at all but slowly his surroundings sharpen once again and suddenly everything is blaring and red around them. That’s when he sees it: your co-pilot’s Drivesuit slashed open and blood dripping down her side. It must have been the Kaiju’s spiky tail’s doing.
When your partner’s knees give out and you lean down to help her up, the Jaeger stumbles too. The movement makes the mecha sink fully beneath sea level and the Conn-Pod is rapidly filling with salty water. through the tail-shaped hole in the glass.
Sanghyuk feels himself lose balance and the memory gets blurry again. He calls your name.
The other girl whimpers something in pain but he can’t hear what she’s saying, only your loud protests:
“What? No! I’m not leaving you!”
The Jaeger gets another hit in the side and the warning signals are getting louder.
“Rangers are out of alignment. Jaeger shutdown initiated. Get ready for evacuation. Countdown from 10 starting…”
The water already reaches Sanghyuk’s knees. He knows it’s a memory, he knows it can’t hurt him but it all feels very real. Because it’s real to you. You have lived it through. You have watched your closest friend use the last of her strength to push you back into your hemisphere.
“Y/N… you need to survive.”
It’s the last thing your co-pilot tells you before she presses a button on the holographic screen hovering in front of her. Your pod closes around your body and you get ejected from the failing Jaeger. Somewhere between the disorienting sensation of the push and coming up on the surface of the sea, you feel it: the bone-deep fear and the inevitability of death. Not yours.
You faint.
The neural bridge collapses.
Sanghyuk is yanked out of the Drift.
He’s told that you need to stay in the infirmary under supervision for twenty-four hours. It’s nothing serious, just out of precaution, the nurse tells him when he visits. Han Dongmin has to drag him out of there, which is ironic if one knows anything about how much time the Ranger spends around the nurse station.
Sanghyuk has a hard time focusing during Drift tests the next day. Not even Woonhak’s bickering with his so-called nemesis can steal much of his attention. By the time all the cadets assigned for the day are finished, your infirmary bed is empty and it has him worried sick. It must be written on his face because Mrs Hwang is quick to reassure him:
“She’s fine. She was discharged not long ago.”
Sanghyuk thanks her and leaves the sterile corridors to wander around the Shatterdome aimlessly. His feet lead him to the rooftop like always. He expects it to be empty or maybe to find Jaehyun there moping about that girl that keeps breaking his heart but instead it’s you there.
The wind is blowing your hair wildly and the orange glow of sunset is like a halo around you. You look like something divine, like you were born out of sea and sunshine.
“Stealing my spot?” Sanghyuk’s words are laced with casual playfulness and he hopes it’s enough to dissipate any remaining awkwardness that might have followed the Drift session. He wonders whether you still hear the ghost of his voice in the back of your mind just how he hears yours, a side effect of the abrupt disconnect from the hardware.
“Maybe,” you answer with a twitch in the corner of your mouth as you turn to him. You stay still when he sits down next to you, fingers drumming on the concrete beneath you.
“Are you okay?” The boy finds himself asking quietly. He doesn’t mean it physically. A lot of people get overwhelmed from Drifts, especially after experiencing R.A.B.I.T. but your case is special. For you it wasn’t just a one time thing. That memory was buried under fear and denial. Recalling it was probably your final goodbye to your other half.
“I will be,” you nod slowly. “For the longest time I thought that it was somehow my fault. Maybe I did something stupid or I froze and that’s why I didn’t remember but… she saved me. She would want me to live fully, so I guess the least I can do is to try.”
Sanghyuk knows it’s not easy. Healing from such trauma is never just a walk in the park. You will need more time to be able to sleep through the night without nightmares and to be able to watch Kaiju attack broadcasts without breaking down. But the most important thing is to not give up. After all, sometimes the greatest wars are fought against ourselves.
“So what now? Now that you know what happened?” He questions.
The Marshal had already told him earlier that day that you would officially withdraw from the Ranger program, so more Drift sessions wouldn’t be necessary. He couldn’t help but wonder whether it meant you would go back home. You have no reason to stay in Busan after all.
“I don’t know. I didn’t really think that ahead. I don’t think I could ever get in a Jaeger again but maybe I will ask the Marshal if I could help with the cadet training.”
You sound uncertain even though it makes perfect sense. You might not have as much experience as Dongmin and his co-pilot, but you have more free time, so you could help out efficiently. However, you didn’t clarify where or which Marshal, so Sanghyuk just has to make sure:
“Here?”
This time you don’t even hesitate.
“Yeah. I’m doing better here. In Incheon everything reminds me of her,” you explain calmly and Sanghyuk tries not to show it but the thought of you staying makes him giddier than he expected. He doesn’t have the excuse of semi-daily Drift sessions to see you though, so after a few long seconds, accompanied by the crashing sound of waves, he takes a leap.
“Since you’re staying... How do you feel about a city tour? I know cool places outside of the Shatterdome too,” he proposes and he’s itching to tell you about this waffle place where every topping combo is named after a Jaeger.
“I could be convinced,” you smile at him with a crunched nose and sparkling eyes. It’s the brightest thing Sanghyuk has seen all day and he thinks he could spend the rest of his life trying to make you smile again.
END NOTES. header pic from the action concept photos
title from the taylor swift song, i think this part fits them:
To that bloodshed, crimson clover
Uh-huh, the worst was over
My hand was the one you reached for
All throughout the Great War