Imposter
Date: Early to mid September, 2020
(tw anxiety, depression, self-hatred)
“You’ll never be Hugo.”
It’s a phrase Moonbok had been expecting to have thrown at him at some stage, but when Hosung snarls it at him after practice during the first week, it feels as though the other member has stabbed him in heart.
No, being stabbed would have hurt far less.
As it is, Moonbok can only take a step back, his expression utterly shocked before it’s wiped away by hurt and even a touch of fear. All he can do is stammer helplessly in response, blinking back tears and trying desparately to keep his voice steady.
“I... I know! I know, I’m not-- That I’ll never---”
“....I’m sorry.”
‘I didn’t ask for this. I don’t want to be Hugo or just his replacement.’
In the end, all Moonbok can do is bow his head and tightly grip his track pants as he tries his hardest not to simply start crying in front of Hosung and the others. After all, they already seem to dislike him, being a crybaby isn’t going to endear him to them any more.
When they arrive back at the dorm he darts straight to his room, promptly burrowing straight under his covers and curling around his pillow and plush, biting down hard on his lip to stifle his sobs.
They’re right after all. He’s not Hugo. He’ll never be Hugo, he’s still just a glorified trainee, really. A jumped up survival show failure that got lucky. He stares at his phone’s screen, thumb hovering over the call icon next to Yoona’s name before he shuts it off.
What good could his cousin do when he hasn’t even told her the truth about why he’s suddenly at the Nova building all day everyday? What if she even feels the same, that he shouldn’t be there either?
Maybe this whole thing was a mistake. Maybe he never should have taken up this position.
Feeling the dark thoughts begin to creep up again, Moonbok pokes his head above the covers long enough to grab his medicine and down them with what little water he has left before retreating back to his makeshift cave and shutting his eyes tight.
Hopefully sleep would take him into its embrace soon.
------------------------------
(A few days later)
A couple of days after the confrontation with Hosung, Moonbok is.... not settled, per se. He’s still cautious around the other members and quick to do anything they say in the hope it’ll earn him any kind of brownie points
It’s still awkward as hell, he’s still anxious as hell but he shoves it aside as best he can, focusing on dance practice until his legs are shaky and his head is spinning. It’s harder to concentrate on the negative thoughts when he’s in this kind of physical condition. And in a slightly masochistic way, Moonbok likes being this wrung out. It reminds him of how much he needs to improve, but also of how much he can endure. If he can still stand up and hold a conversation while his heart is practically breakdancing in his chest, then he can brush away simple feelings and words.
(Though he can tell that Huidong doesn’t particularly approve of this method of coping, if his expression is anything to go by.)
He hasn’t quite worked himself into such a state that evening when Hosung, looking awkward and a little shamefaced (thought maybe that’s just Moonbok) approaches him after practice and asks Moonbok to come with him. He’s a little wary and still hurt, but Moonbok agrees after only a second’s consideration, even offering the other boy a tentative smile.
Even after everything that happened, he’s not getting that hostile vibe from Hosung anymore, and that’s reason enough to be hopeful.
They end up hanging out at a convenience store near the dorm and it’s all Moonbok can do to not start laughing at first, purely because of the memories of Youngjae that the situation evokes. Over a dinner of ramyeon and noodles, however, he and Hosung end up clearing the air between them and Moonbok feels a weight slowly being lifted from his chest.
Of course, he knows this is just a start and that he still has four other members to win over, but Hosung’s kind words and apology are enough to make him smile fully for the first time in what feels like a long time.
“Also… I want you to know that I don’t want you to be Hugo, I want you to be PER_SE’s Moonbok, to find your own place in the team…”
“I will, promise. It’ll take time, but... I promise, I’ll show you a side of me that’ll have been worth waiting for.”
(The kiss of reconciliation was one thing he hadn’t be expecting, though. But as welcomes went, it ranked up there.)
Word Count: 795
