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It started as an innocent admiration, like a small candlelight fire in the middle of the night... until it was more than that--until it was a deadly fire that threatens to consume Dr. Michael Robinavitch and Victoria Javadi.

Chapter 1: The Affair

Rating: E

Word Count: 6.6k

Characters: Dr. Robby (Michael Robinavitch), Victoria Javadi, Dr. Baran Al-Hashimi, Trinity Santos, Dennis Whitaker, mentions of Jack Abbot, Samira Mohan, Melissa King, Frank Langdon, Yolanda Gracia, Dana Evans, Princess Dela Cruz, Perlah Alawi, Emma Nolan, Joy Kwon, Jesse Van Horn, John Shen, & Mateo Diaz

Pairings: Dr. Robby x Victoria Javadi (robvadi), Dr. Robby and Dr. Al-Hashimi (robbishimi)

tags: Porn with plot, MDNI, very explicit scenes, angst, self-loathing, age gap (Victoria is 20 going 21; Robby is fifty-three), loss of virginity (f), illicit affair, love triangle, crack ship

a/n: I listened to the entire Preacher's Daughter album for this; all I can say is that I write from personal experience (just a tiny dash of it), that somehow writing this felt cathartic? IDK, man 🤣

Same room?

“Same room...” whispered Victoria.

It was a hushed yet concise conversation that took place in the breakroom; any other word uttered would be a detrimental to their secret arrangement, but Victoria dared to say,

“Robby?”

Robby was about to stand up, but he approached her so he could listen closely to what she had to say.

“Welcome back, by the way.”

The lines on his forehead and cheeks appeared as he smiled at Victoria. That smile, it’s one of the things about Robby that got Victoria—and it got her... bad.

“Thank you,” replied Robby, as he left the breakroom, hanging the stethoscope on his neck.

Victoria Javadi was just eight months shy of turning twenty-one, although that didn’t deter her senior attending, Dr. Michael Robinavitch, in starting an illicit affair with her.

Four months ago...

Victoria found out that Robby didn’t proceed with his road trip, like he had planned. She heard from Trinity and Dennis that Robby decided to stay there at Pittsburgh to see through Baby Jane Doe’s adoption, now named Elisha. Ever since Victoria had that talk with Robby, of him praising her; she couldn’t get him out of her mind. Victoria was used to it; she was the child prodigy, she was a genius, she was all that–she had heard it a thousand times, but when it came from someone she looked up to, it became a little more special.

So, with all the courage she could muster, she sent Robby a chat.

Hi, Robby.

She got his number from Dennis–well, sneakily looked it up on his phone when he left it unlocked by the breakroom, and Victoria took the opportunity to look up Robby’s number. She waited for five minutes for his reply–the longest five minutes of her life, and she was biting her fingernails while waiting. There was a part of her that wanted to throw her phone across her room, for being so stupid and thinking that Robby would notice her message. But, there was that part of her that anticipated his reply, like a good rush of a high shooting up her veins.

Who’s this?

Victoria already saw the reply’s preview on her phone lockscreen and she jumped in surprise when her phone lit up.

“Okay, Vic. You got this…”

It’s Victoria Javadi.

This time, she didn’t have to wait for his reply, Robby immediately replied back and as strange as it is; they talked all night long. She learned about Robby’s past as a doctor—when, where, and how he ended up in the Pitt. It was past 2am when they realized the time.

Good night. It was nice to have someone to talk to.

Victoria giggled to herself, but she tapped up a reply,

It’s nice to talk to you, too.

Robby sent a smiling emoji and that sent Victoria over the moon. She wanted to contain her giddiness that she had to scream into her pillow to let it all out. Is this more than just admiration? Is she crushing on her senior attendant? It was like a daydream come true, and that didn’t stop there—Victoria and Robby were chatting and talking about everything, every day.

She would update Robby about the things happening in the ERD; he would ask her if she proceeded with her psychiatry rotation, but she told him that she might do it next year. He would send pictures of his dog and his plants; in return, she would send pictures of her in the ERD during one of her rare breaks. Victoria thought to herself, friends do it, they send each other pictures; they send anything that catches their interest... but do friends send each other pictures of them in the bathroom?

Victoria’s thumb nervously hovered over the picture that Robby sent... It was Robby, in front of a mirror, shirtless and only wearing a towel over his hips. Her heartbeat was on her temples as she zoomed in the photo, and she boldly ogled at Robby’s body. He doesn’t have a six-pack, but she stared at his broad shoulders and chest and she couldn’t look away. She doesn’t know how to respond, he only captioned it with, Just got out of the bath.

So, she sent him a photo of her while laying down on her bed; her sleeveless top revealed her shoulders and showed cleavage, paired with shorts that showed off her legs. Robby gave her picture a heart reaction, but he moved on to another subject.

She wondered if she made a wrong move and her sending a picture made it awkward for Robby. Everything changed when one day, he asked her,

Are you still a virgin?

It should have been a red flag; but Victoria saw through rose-colored glasses; she interpreted it as curiosity.

Yes.

Why?

She has tried to lose it, God knows—but she can’t... Or she couldn’t find someone or the timing was not always right.

I don’t know. It’s too technical.

Wouldn’t be too technical with me.

“What do you mean about that?” She whispered to herself.

Victoria wanted to ask Robby what he meant about that; instead, she sent him this reply,

I bet.

Ever since that conversation, something changed; they both dared to go too far with their talks but not really breaking the surface. Robby would ask Victoria if she tried things before, to which she would answer with enthusiasm; Trinity would notice her smiling at her phone and she teased Victoria.

“It’s no one.”

“Come on, Crash, who is it?” cackled Trinity as she was about to swipe away her phone.

Victoria guarded her phone and clutched it close to her chest.

“None of your business! Jeez!”

Dennis would laugh at them, and would join the dogpile, “Ooh! Victoria’s got a boyfriend!”

How she wished Robby was her boyfriend, but they don’t even know what label to put on their current situation.

Trinity jeered, “I’m going to find out who it is, sooner or later!”

But Victoria just ignored them as she continued chatting with Robby. A rush of excitement would fill her head whenever Trinity and Dennis would take a guess on who she is talking to. If only then knew—if only anyone from the ERD knew, would they freak out? Or would they warn her to stay away from Robby? It didn’t matter, all she knew was that for a few hours at night, Robby was hers during their chats.

During a very hot August weekend, the ERD had an out-of-town trip to Cleveland, at Jack Abbot’s new lake cabin. He had it built when he acquired a plot of land; it was meant for him and his now girlfriend, Samira Mohan, but they figured that it would be a good thing to invite them over too.

Victoria didn’t expect it, but Robby turned up at the cabin. It has been weeks since she saw him and since their secret conversations began.

“Hi, Victoria.” greeted Robby.

Victoria tried not to hyperventilate when she saw Robby in person; she said hi back, and he took an effort to hug her. They swam by the lake, had a cookout; everyone enjoyed themselves, and some of them had broken into pairs at the end of the day. Jack and Samira sat side by side by the fire; Mel and Langdon were not trying to hide it, not since Langdon’s divorce went down the pipeline; Jesse sat with Joy, while Trinity sat with Victoria and Dennis, though she was in proximity to Yolanda.

They were surrounded by love birds, but Victoria found Robby had sat opposite her inside their circle, and they both could see each other.

Jack finally asked Robby, “How’s Elisha?”

Robby put down his bottle of beer, and replied, “She’s doing great with her adopted parents. I visit her from time to time.”

Then, Dana interrupted their conversation, “I heard Dr. Al helped you with Elisha’s adoption?”

Robby smiled. “Yes, she did.”

It confused Victoria; why would Dr. Al-Hashimi help Robby? When the last she heard they had a screaming match after the Fourth of July shift last month?

Jack laughed at Robby, “You like to clear something up for us?”

“What do I have to clarify?” guffawed Robby.

“Come on! We all know it!” teased Shen.

Robby held his hands up so they would stop; Victoria held her breath, because somehow she knew what was coming next.

“Yep. We’re dating.”

The entire group shouted and teased Robby, all of them threw empty cans of beer at Robby’s direction, which Robby laughed at.

“No fucking way!” gasped Trinity.

Dennis’ gaze went to Victoria who was trying to laugh with them.

“Vic? Are you alright?”

She wasn’t. For days and weeks that Robby replied to her chats, to the times he would wake her up with a good morning chat; all the pictures she sent to him, of her wearing less and less clothing, and to that one picture he sent her, of his erection underneath his gray sweatpants because of all the pictures she sent him… The entire time, he was dating Baran.

Victoria found Robby staring at her; she tried to look away, but Robby stared at her for a long time. She faked a smile to reassure Dennis.

“I’m okay. I think I just need another drink.”

Trinity also eyed her, and both Dennis and Trinity stared at each other then at Victoria. But what could she do, but drink and drown her bleeding heart with beer? Victoria did just that and when the men took out the hard drinks, Victoria bravely participated. Dennis and Trinity persuaded her not to drink whisky and gin, but she insisted she was just having fun. After downing at least a dozen shots, her vision swayed and blurred, but she felt the urge to puke. Immediately, Victoria ran away from their circle.

“Crash! Come back!” yelled Trinity.

But Robby stood up. “I got her, Santos. Don’t worry.”

The drinking session raged on at their little campfire; while Victoria ran past trees and when her shoulder hit a tree trunk, that’s where she started vomiting. The dinner she ate, the snacks, and all the beer and liquor that she drank; regurgitated and fell out of her mouth. Her stomach and chest heaved, and she tasted the acid in her tongue that made her puke more; and tears beaded along her waterline. She doesn’t know when it will end, she just wants it to end.

“Whoah, easy there.”

She felt a large hand on the small of her back, while the other large hand held her hair up. When she finished vomiting, those large hands caught her; those large hands held her by the waist and shoulders.

“Let’s get you hydrated. You’ve puked your guts out, Javadi,” murmured Robby.

He looked down at her–those pleading brown eyes, looked down at her with pity and desire.

“Get the fuck off me!”

Victoria tried to run away from Robby; but he chased her down, he was much stronger than her and she wasn’t able to escape his arms that pulled her into a hug.

“I’m sorry, kid…”

Victoria cried out, “You fucking liar! You made me believe that you wanted me!”

Robby whispered as he cupped her face, “I do! I do want you…!”

“Then why?!”

Victoria’s face contorted into a grimace as she gasped for air, her throat let out helpless sobs; all the while, Robby stared deeply into her eyes–left, right, then down to her lips.

“I… All I can say is I’m sorry,” whined Robby, then he leaned closer towards Victoria’s face. “I’m sorry for wanting you so bad.”

Victoria shook her head; all she saw was red, not the deadly kind of red… but passionate and sinful red. She beat Robby’s chest with her fists and he accepted it, she shouted in anger, until he caught her again and this time–they kissed.

Robby pinned Victoria against the tree, his hands put her arms above her head, all the while, he grinded his growing hardness against her stomach. She was much shorter than him, so he put his knee in between her legs and he felt her grind herself against his knee.

“I fucking hate you…!” gasped Victoria, in between kisses.

Her hateful words only turned him on more, but for a moment, she fought back and pushed him away. As fast as her feet could permit her, Victoria ran away from Robby. Victoria no longer knew the way back because of her double vision and it was already dark. She found a shed and she stopped there; Robby was just right behind her.

“Vic, come on, we have to get back.”

“And when we get back? Then what? I’ll be nothing to you?”

Robby sighed loudly, his hand covered his nape, and then he turned away from her. It was fucked up that they got themselves into that situation. While Robby stood there in the hazy dusk, Victoria cursed to herself that she still wanted Robby, no matter how angry and drunk she was right now. She wants him now, no one has to know, and no one will stop them.

Victoria pulled Robby inside the shed; it was a tool shed that must have belonged to Abbot’s; Robby turned on the light by the pull switch, so he could see Victoria better. There was a small desk by the end of the shed and Robby placed her down on top of it as he kissed her. His hands cupped her breasts, while he intruded her mouth with his tongue. The way Robby took her clothes off and touched her anywhere, felt like the highest rush of euphoria; it was better than any drug, if Victoria would ever try one–Robby’s lips were enough for her. She was supposed to be shy for the first time, but she was shameless in front of Robby; she pulled her legs up and spread her thighs, showing him that she was ready. His eyes went to her puffy pussy; he noticed that she had waxed and it was just begging to be eaten, with her wetness dripping at the edge of her pussy’s lips. Robby wasted no time, he stripped off of his clothes, and when he removed his boxer shorts; Victoria’s eyes widened when she looked at his erect member. She’s a student doctor, she knew everything about a penis, but when it came to sex; her studies didn’t prepare her for it. She saw his pubes that were also graying like his hair from above; she looked at his cock that leaked precum; she had an impulse to touch it and see how sticky it was.

“Don’t worry… I won’t stick it in yet… We’ll give it time,” hummed Robby.

He slowly got on his knees, his face slowly leaning closer to her cunt. Robby wrapped his arms around her thighs, and he started to lick her clit; slow at first, then his tongue flicked quicker, until he was fully sucking and kissing her entire pussy.

“F-Fuck!” squeaked Victoria.

Her senses were jolted by the shock of feeling the pad of Robby’s tongue on her clit. It was much better than touching herself, his tongue felt like heaven and that she never wanted it to stop. Robby pinched her brown nipples, all the while his tongue flicked on her clit.

Victoria discovered sensations she has never felt her entire life, and she would risk everything just so she could always do it with Robby.

His tongue would alternate between her clit and vagina, it drove her crazy, and it drove her to the edge when he also grabbed her breast and pinched and played with her nipples.

“R-Robby! Fuck, that’s so good…”

She threw her head back in pleasure, her eyes closed in sweet bliss, as Robby gave her head. She heard him lap her up, and it was the best experience she had in her twenty years of existence. She looked down and found Robby was looking up at her; it was the most surreal image that is now seared into her brain; Robby, on his knees while he ate her out, his arms locked into her thighs, drinking her and not wanting to let her go.

In a quick flash, Victoria felt she was about to come–her body quaked, her core tightened at the sensation, and her eyes rolled back.

She couldn’t help it, she shouted in ecstasy and repeated Robby’s name, over and over again. Robby disengaged from her and he poised his dick towards her pussy; he spat at her pussy to give it more lubrication.

“You ready?”

Robby made Victoria hold on to him as he pushed the head of his dick in; she felt a shot of sharp pain there, her pussy was stretched out to accommodate his size.

Victoria hissed, “Robby, ow! It’s too big!”

Robby snickered and he pushed it all in, “We’ll make it fit.”

“Ah! Ow…” mewled Victoria.

Robby started to move and he started slow with his pace. “Vic, look at me, keep your eyes on me…”

He started to move quicker; she didn’t want to think about it anymore, she let go and the pain started to blend in with pleasure. Robby dove in to suck on her nipples while he fucked her; then he placed her legs on his shoulders, keeping up with his pace.

“Robby… fuck… I-I love your fucking cock inside me…” whispered Victoria.

Robby kissed her and licked her cheek, and he whispered back, “I love how fucking tight you are.”

She was not sure for how long it went, but Robby trembled and he pulled out; he came all over the mound of her pussy and her navel. Robby laid his forehead over Victoria’s forehead as they both caught their breaths. He took it out of her, then stood back to get his boxer shirts to wipe her up.

“Take a morning after pill, just to be sure.”

Victoria looked up at Robby, and she saw how his eyes were still on her body. He was not taking any chances; he wanted to make sure he would not end up knocking her up.

“I don’t have one.”

Robby rubbed his face with his hand; his other hand was on his waist as he tried to think.

“There’s a pharmacy in town. We’ll get one.”

Victoria shrugged. “How will we go to town?”

“On my motorcycle. We’ll go together.”

Victoria had to ask, “Do you do it... without a condom? With Baran?”

Robby sighed out loud, “No. She insists we wear condoms.”

She asked again, “Did I make you feel good?”

Robby let out a weak chuckle and he smiled at Victoria. “You made me feel great.”

A faint smile tugged at the corner of Victoria’s lips. Once more, Robby kissed her and she clung to him like her life depended on him.

“You taste so fucking good...” whispered Robby.

Victoria chuckled between kissing him and embracing him; it was heaven on earth, being praised by Robby, owning him for even a short time such as that, and having his body so close to hers. Victoria had to accept it—she is the other woman, but just for a little bit of Robby’s heart, she would take it. He helped her get dressed, and they snuck out of the cabin; Robby took Victoria on a ride in his motorcycle. They drove over a deserted road lit by orange streetlights that led to the next town. Victoria laid her head on his back as she held tight on Robby’s waist; she had never been this free until now. For once, she was not the good girl that her parents knew her to be—she was the woman who had just lost her virginity to a man, thirty-three years her senior.

When they arrived at town; Robby parked his motorcycle in front of a pharmacy. Victoria wore her hoodie over her head as she stood by the counter, an elderly pharmacist accommodated her.

“Do you have a levonorgestrel?”

The white old lady smiled at Victoria, but her eyes wandered and she saw Robby lurking behind the drinks aisle.

“We do,” chirped the Pharmacist. “Wait here, I’ll get it at the back.”

Robby went to the counter and stood beside Victoria; when the pharmacist came back, she sold the pill to Victoria and Robby paid for it, along with a bottle of water. But the pharmacist had to ask,

“Dear, is this your father? Or uncle?”

Victoria didn’t know what to say, but Robby wrapped his arm around her shoulder and said,

“She’s my girlfriend.”

The pharmacist tried not to show her disapproval, but instead, she smiled at them.

“Oh, I see. Is this true, young lady?”

Victoria looked away, but she answered hesitantly, “Yeah.”

Robby smiled but sharply regarded the pharmacist. “Let’s go, baby.”

Victoria followed Robby’s lead, and they went out of the pharmacy. Victoria took Robby’s arm off her shoulder.

“Don’t say that because I’m not.”

Robby scoffed, “What did you want me to say?”

She looked away; Victoria had tears brimming on her lashes, and she felt a lump in her throat. A shrug is what she can only do; it was true, what could Robby do but lie? To reassure her, Robby wrapped his arms around her waist and kissed her temples. Victoria doesn’t want to say anything about it anymore, or else she will have a complete breakdown there by the curbside. She drank the pill while she sat by Robby’s motorcycle; Robby placed himself between her legs and he looked up at her.

“I don’t want to go back yet,” murmured Robby as he tucked a stray lock of hair behind Victoria’s ear. “I want to stay here with you. If we come back... we have to pretend that this didn’t even happen.”

Victoria wrapped her arms around Robby’s shoulders. “Then let’s stay a little longer.”

And they did—Victoria and Robby explored the town and sat by the park bench till midnight, talking and holding hands like it was the most natural thing. Robby made Victoria wear his jacket because it got too cold.

“Let’s go back. They might notice that we’re missing,” mumbled Victoria.

She had her head on Robby’s shoulder, but he didn’t move or say anything; he only kissed the top of her head. Victoria was no longer drunk, she had been sobered up since Robby fucked her, and everything that has transpired was clearer than anything to Victoria and it’s now forever ingrained in her mind. Robby touched her chin with his fingers, to tilt her head up, then he kissed her. This is all Victoria wanted for now, and it was enough.

She will never forget the sadness she felt when they drove back to the lake cabin; there might have been an instance where she held Robby tighter than she should have. Robby dropped her off by the entrance, so no one would see them; they entered through the back door together. The whole cabin was asleep; but Jesse, Shen, Mateo, and Dennis slept in the living room that made it impossible for them to pass through.

Robby pulled Victoria aside to the back, near the washroom.

He whispered, “You go first.”

Victoria looked back at the half-closed door. “Okay.”

But Robby didn’t let her go, he pulled her back to him instead and kissed her again; before they knew it, Victoria knelt before him to give him a blowjob.

“Vic... ugh, fuck...!” mewled Robby.

Victoria gave her best, however inexperienced she was; after a few moments, Robby pulled her up; he removed her shorts, and pushed her panties aside to fuck her over the counter. If they were discovered, Victoria wouldn’t know what to do, but she didn’t care. This time, it didn’t hurt as much and that position made her come, and she now only found out that her new favorite position might be doggy style.

Robby pulled out again and came on his hand that dripped down his fingers. He quickly wiped it off with a paper towel on the counter. He kissed Victoria before he sent her out of the washroom.

“Go. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Victoria bit her lip and she sighed. They will see each other tomorrow, and will continue to see each other for the next months to come.

It has been two months since that out-of-town trip to Cleveland; it has been two months since Victoria had been meeting with Robby in secret. For the entire ERD, Robby and Baran are the newest power couple of PTMC; but between empty rooms and hallways, Robby is Victoria’s. Their hands brushed past each other in a secret language only the two of them knew. And tonight, Robby was entirely hers. He had an alibi that he needed to attend the support group that Baran recommended him to, but in truth, he was off to the hotel downtown that has become their rendezvous. Victoria has gone ahead and booked the room; Robby would follow after.

Robby didn’t take his motorcycle with him; he took a taxi to make it more discreet, and while he rode at the back of the sedan, he sent Victoria a chat.

Room 320?

He waited for her reply; the blinking line by the text space seemed annoying, because it took her a while to reply.

Room 320.

Robby instructed the driver to drop him off at the other entrance, the inconspicuous entrance where anyone can come and go, or directly head towards the emergency stairs. For two weeks, Robby has anticipated this meeting; it was not enough that they could only touch and pet each other whenever they would pass by each other on some empty unit, hidden behind some patterned curtain. When he reached the third floor, Robby looked for Room 320, and of course, he found it easily because that was their room. A single knock is all Robby did, and the door opened immediately.

She was already wearing a negligee and nothing else; the dimmed warm lights made her look more beautiful than she already is. It started for him when she sent him a picture of her in her bedroom. It didn’t occur to him at first how attractive Victoria was because she was practically a kid. But when they started talking, that attraction grew, until he acted on it at the lake cabin.

“Hey,” breathed Robby.

“Hi.”

Inside the four corners of that room, they don’t call each other any pet names or endearing nicknames; they don’t even call each other by name. Robby was not a senior attending for the ERD when he was inside that room; Victoria is not a student doctor that is under Robby’s authority—they were just two people who had missed each other so much.

For Victoria, it was like coming home, tired and hungry, and seeing Robby standing by the threshold has whet her appetite. She quickly threw herself at Robby; not caring that he still wore his long sleeves that he wore underneath his scrubs. All she knows is that she wants to give it all to Robby tonight, like the other nights when Robby is hers.

They fucked in that room–though Robby told her that they are making love, not just fucking. Victoria stared at the familiar miniature painting on the mantle that she sees whenever Robby would fuck her from behind. It was a blue painting of dusk. She doesn’t know what shade of blue it was, because she was too drunk in love to think.

When they were done, they laid beside each other, naked and skin to skin; Victoria had her head on Robby's chest, while his arm was wrapped around her waist. They were talking about Elisha, and that she's starting to crawl on her belly. Robby talked about her with so much enthusiasm, Victoria had to ask him,

"How come you never had kids?"

Robby turned his head towards her. "Bad timing, I guess."

She tried to tease him, "How about now?"

He raised an eyebrow at her. She tittered, "The timing is just right; we're already here, naked and in bed."

Robby scoffed, "You wouldn't want me as the father of your kids, trust me."

But Victoria egged him, "Come on, just think about it... Little Michael Jr., running around the house. He'd have your eyes, but he'd look like me."

That made Robby laugh; Victoria kept jeering at him, until Robby playfully wrestled with her on the bed, and peppered her face with kisses. Robby trapped Victoria under him; his fingers laced with hers, while his other hand played with her hair.

"What if they ask you who the dad is? Your mom will surely kill me."

"We could make it work," insisted Victoria. Robby turned away from her, but she touched his face so he would look at her again. “We will make it work.”

Robby shook his head, and he leaned in to kiss Victoria. "I can't do that to you. You will hate me if I get you pregnant.”

He left at 2am, in the dead of night. It was better that way so no one would notice him. Victoria kissed him on the neck and sniffed his neck before letting him go. She didn't know when they would meet again, so she wanted everything about him imprinted on her; something she would hold on to until they met up again. When Robby was gone, Victoria was about to go to back to bed; it was her day-off tomorrow and she could sleep in and she booked this room till the noon… but, she caught glimpse of the condom Robby used that he threw on the trash bin. The trash bin was clean, and they were the only ones who used it. The condom had Robby’s semen and if she acts now…

Victoria blurted out, “Don’t be a fucking idiot.”

But her intrusive thoughts, which seemed not to be an intrusive one, but a volatile one–urging her to pick it up from the trash and put it in her. If she did, Robby would be hers. He would be forced to be with her.

We will make it work.

Victoria turned off the bathroom light and closed the door. How would she take care of a baby, when she couldn’t even take care of herself, and she’s still living with her parents. To meet up with Robby, she used Trinity and Dennis as an alibi that she would be sleeping over with them. She’s hoping that Dr. Shamsi won’t run into Trinity or Dennis any time soon. With tired and sleepy eyes, Victoria got on the bed and made herself comfortable. She smelled the pillow that Robby laid his head on; she hugged that pillow and thought of him. Then, in her mind-eye, she pictured him going back to Baran; he would kiss her, embrace her, sleep in the same bed with her–and there she would be, alone and wishing Robby stayed.

It should have been her, not Baran. But there was a void in her chest that was consuming her–the guilt of stealing moments like these. If anyone knew what she was doing, they would be disgusted by her; they would think that she is desperate, that being a sidepiece is alright with her, and that she doesn’t love herself. Maybe she doesn’t, maybe she does; but all that she knew was she only wanted to be with Robby. They can burn her at the stake, because women like her don’t deserve happy endings.

One snowy December evening, when the ERD decided to conduct an early Christmas party at the nearest local bar; Victoria waited for Robby to turn up. Everybody was present, but Victoria heard that Robby was running late. She wasn’t expecting him, but when she went by the comfort rooms near the back entrance–Victoria saw Robby come in.

“Oh, you came,” gasped Victoria.

“Just went to get something. Is everybody present?”

Victoria nodded. “Yeah. They’re waiting for you. Doc Al is waiting for you.”

When Victoria mentioned Baran, a lonely shadow passed over Robby’s face. He couldn’t help himself, he pulled Victoria in to secretly kiss her behind a wall. His lips felt cold, but Victoria didn’t mind; she would warm him up and if only she could, she would have him there, on that spot. All of a sudden, they both heard someone come in and Robby quickly got off Victoria and he stood away from her.

“Hey, babe.”

Baran stood by, her eyes moving from Robby to Victoria; she hesitated to proceed at first, but she approached Robby, regardless.

“Hi, babe. You’re late,” quipped Baran, as she moved to kiss Robby on the cheek.

She slowly backed away but she looked at Robby, then at Victoria. He nervously touched the nape of his neck, and mentioned,

“Oh, Vic was just asking me for my opinions about our terminally ill patient, Mr. Ratner?”

Baran tried to smile, but she wrapped her arm around Robby’s waist.

Baran spoke up, as she faced Victoria, “You did a good job, Vic. You handled his family well–I can see why you’re considering Emergency Psychiatry.”

Victoria couldn’t look Baran in the eye; how she wished this situation would be over soon, but there they were all–in the small huddled space, the air was thick with tension, anyone could cut it with a knife. Baran held on to Robby and she started to guide him inside.

“Let’s go, that party’s about to start.”

“Sure, babe.”

Victoria stood away and had her head bowed. When they were gone, sobs came out of her throat; she leaned against the wall and slid down. She cried as she was slumped down on the floor. But she had to get up; no one needs to see her this way. Tonight, she must brave through the entire party and not falter when he sees Robby and Baran together. The party went on and the emcees, Princess, Perlah, and Emma; had everyone play parlor games. Victoria steered clear of Robby or Baran during the party; she wasn’t even feeling herself, like she was not there and her mind was miles and miles away from that place. If only the ground would open up and swallow her whole, she would very much accept it.

At the end of the night, something unexpected happened–Jack and Samira announced their engagement and that they will be married in two years time. Everybody cheered, everyone was happy for the lovely couple. Victoria wanted to wallow in tequila and sadness when she heard that announcement. Everyone was falling in love, having lives of their own, but she–the child prodigy is falling apart and riddled with guilt.

As she sat by herself and her drink, some sat with her and she almost stood to avoid that person, but she couldn’t… it was Baran.

“Hi, Vic.”

Victoria smiled weakly at Baran. Then Baran spoke up, “That’s so nice–that Abbot and Mohan found each other. Even though they don’t share a workspace anymore.”

She thought aloud and Victoria heard it, “I do wonder how Mohan manages it? Like, her fiancé’s a hot middle-aged man; very charming, and a gentleman–there’s a chance that some nurse or other residents will flirt with Jack.”

Victoria didn’t want to know where Baran was leading to; though there was a part of her that knew what Baran was talking about.

“I guess Mohan just trusts Abbot so much,” remarked Victoria.

Baran then turned to Victoria. “Yeah. Maybe that’s it.”

She inhaled sharply and said, “Vic, do you have a boyfriend?”

Victoria must have gone pale when that question came out of Baran. She panicked internally and she didn’t know what to say.

“I-I don’t, Doc Al.”

Baran didn’t smile or frown, she only stared at Victoria.

“You should get your own boyfriend…”

Victoria wanted to break down; but Baran continued, “I mean… in our line of work, it doesn’t hurt to have an inspiration. Something to hold on to. Robby is like that to me, though we had our differences, but we are helping each other everyday.”

She couldn’t say anything, so it gave Baran an opportunity to drone on.

“It’s quite lonely… when you have to share someone with somebody else.”

A cold rush shot up Victoria’s spine–there was no way that Baran didn't know.

“Thank you for the advice, Doc Al.”

Baran quietly replied, “Anytime.”

She stood and tried to be discreet that she had left the party; but Trinity saw her and called for her name. Tears blinded Victoria as she made her way out of the bar; it didn’t help that the snow was falling and the sidewalk was a little slippery. She was about to get to her car when she heard someone call for her.

“Vic!”

She turned back and saw Robby was running after her.

“What did Baran say to you?”

Victoria shot daggers at Robby; he looked breathless and worried and all that he could ask her is what his girlfriend had told her.

“She knows, Robby.”

Victoria said nothing else and she got inside her car. She drove off and left Robby by the road, in the middle of that snowy night. She tried her best not to exceed the speed limit, but she couldn’t help but hit the steering wheel with her fist.

“Stupid, stupid–fucking idiot!”

Everything became blurry and she had to pull over the side. She cried and screamed inside her car. Victoria wanted to die–she didn’t want to deal with anything anymore. She wished that she would pass away from her broken heart right then; she wished that she had never sent that chat to Robby; she wished she never sent those pictures; she wished she never kissed him and fucked him by that shed–she wished that she didn’t love Robby so ferociously. It was all a blur to her, she didn’t even know how she got home. Without missing a beat, she went to her room. Everything that reminded her of Robby–the little gifts he had given her, she threw it in a black trash bag. When she was done with the stuff, she went through her phone to delete the secret folder that she had–photos, conversations, chat history, even the poems she wrote for him in her notes app–Victoria deleted everything that would remind her of Robby and what they had.

Once again, her intrusive thoughts whispered to her to cut her hair–but before she could grab a pair of scissors, she went to her bathroom to splash her face with water.

“Not my hair… not this.”

Victoria looked at her reflection in the mirror. She recognizes herself, but she saw how much she has changed. The innocence, the happiness, and the glimmer in her eyes were drained out of her. It was replaced with misery, morbid thoughts, and that dull look that made her look older. That night, she finally decided… Her future lies in Washington, DC. Nothing should hold her back there in Pittsburgh. By the end of the year, she will leave, start anew. Even if she doesn’t find the love of her life, at least she would be free of guilt and pain. It was time to grow up and unfortunately part of that process is letting go of Robby.

Victoria cried and prayed to the gods that her parents’ religion prays to, or to anyone who would listen–she prayed for freedom, for peace of mind, for strength. She uttered those words and she cried her eyes out, until she fell asleep.

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