#roma writes

[madd-roma]

I think for me one of the worst ways that MaDD affected my life is how it made me neglect people around me for the longest time

I was always so out of it. I didn't notice a lot of things. I've missed the way my friend's ED gradually got worse, how my ex had an awful relationship with her parents, i've missed the way my friend was bullied and how my mom was unhappy. I've let my own actions be the reason my ex-friend now has trust issues. I was a bad partner in a relationship

I definitely wasn't a good friend. I could have done more. I should have been there for them in their hard times. But i was too selfish and invested into people who don't even exist and worlds that i created in my head to do so. The worst part is i couldn't even bring myself to care a lot of times

And this is why i hate MaDD so much. This is why i want to get rid of it so bad. I don't want to be this person anymore. I hate my own indifference. I hate my selfishness. I want to be a better friend, a better partner, a better person. I want to be someone i myself can be proud of

I've made mistakes and now it's only left to learn the lessons

1 month MaDD-free

[madd-roma]

Okay so i have this parame, who... is basically me in the future... who um managed to get my shit together around my current age (that i, in fact, am not doing)

And they basically have all of my memories... And they remember living in the August of 2020, still being a MaDDer.... And having parame who is me in the future.......... Who also has all these memories. UMMMMM??

Seems like i might have accidentally created a multiverse loop ☠️

[madd-roma]

Me: wow my parame from the future is so cool, i hope i can be as brave and outgoing as them one day! :)

Also me: logs into anonymous online chat, hypes myself up for almost 1 hour to just try it, gets social anxiety attack 2 minutes later, flips my sh/t and proceeds to daydream about parame being cool and successful.

Self fckin care 💅

[madd-roma]

My daydreaming feels so loud lately. I barely hear the real world behind the sounds of a life playing out inside my head. The moments of awarenes are muffled, distant. Sometimes there are people. They come and go. They try to talk to me and i respond. They don't notice anything wrong. No one ever does. So i go back to people who do, people who care. I lock myself inside my head so the world outside can't hurt me. I feel safe.

But it also makes me feel numb. I feel like every time i let myself fall back i take away my own freedom. I feel caged. Empty. Fake. Sad.

Nothing feels real anymore.

I wonder sometimes if i would break. If i stayed, tried a little bit harder, put a tiny bit more effort. Would i become stronger or would i just crack under the weight i never learned to carry. Is discovering it even worth the risk.

Do i really need to let myself fall to learn to fly.

[madd-roma]

21 aug 2020

Vent writing.

Lack of identity. Anxiety

I feel awful tbh. Not sure if it's emotional exhaustion or my depression got worse. MaDD block. Identity crisis, cowardice. Anxiety.

I feel like every second of my life i am leading some kind of a show. Like no matter what i do, there is always an invisible spectaror waiting to judge me.

Even if it's just me in the room or if i hang out with myself in an empty blog. "Look smaller" "breathe quieter" "don't draw attention to yourself". " Be unnoticeable".

I cannot "scream into the Void". I'm always afraid that there is someone there, ready to bite my head off for violating their rest. To judge me. Tell me i'm wrong. Tell me i'm a failure, a noname, a waste of space.

I constantly wait for approval. Every second I'm ready to give two hundred excuses for how I live, what I say and how I think. I'm afraid of criticism. My ego is nowhere to be found and I don't know how to express myself.

I feel like i'm never myself.

Or i just don't feel like i know who i am, sometimes. Am i me, or am i a reflection of all the people with whom I communicated. Am i a set of expectations of others. Am i a combination of all the paras through whose lifes i lived in the past years.

When there is no one around and I can be myself, who am i?

[littleroma]

It's Monday evening and I've had one of those weekends.

I'm so fed up of this. I had a bad migraine on Friday night and still felt a bit weird on Saturday. Yesterday, I got fed up of my laptop never reliably having enough power (the battery level constantly changes) so I decide to check if I can buy a replacement battery. I didn't realise you could do this until Saturday, but Microsoft (it is a Surface Pro 4) don't sell replacement batteries. They sell the laptops but not the batteries, and I was outside of the warranty. So I looked around to see if I could find any else online and I found one in Amazon. Thinking, okay but the workers, I check on the site, there's no reviews, nothing to say that its a legitimate thing at all, even better, they don't ship to Northern Ireland. After checking the Microsoft website again, they wanted to charge me £428 for the trouble to get it refurbished.

To cut a long story short, I've ordered a new laptop, it's a Chromebook, so hopefully the battery will hold up a little bit better.

This was after I couldn't find my Charlotte Tilbury nude lipstick. And my head was still a but funny.

Looking back on it, I don't think it should have been as frustrating as I thought it was but yesterday it was very hard to deal with. Probably didn't help that my back was(and still is painful), chronic pain thanks for that

[littleroma]

Psst what nobody tells you

I’m starting to write my first novel and it’s a fantasy novel. So the characters all have strangely spelled names (or accents over letters) and its getting so hard to remember how to spell everything. Fuck why didn’t I call all the characters Bob? That would be easier to spell.

I’m writing with two browser windows open, Dabble (the one that I’m using to write the book) and Evernote for the correct spellings.