If it walks like a duck: RomeRaffy according to the show
This is a reading based purely on, and nothing but, the contents of the series. This does not take into account the novel the series is based on, the preceding series, or any marketing material outside of the show.
Theres criticisms that these two characters relationship and behaviors are inconsistent, but, if you only take into account the series and disregard any other sources that may inform your opinion of the characters and their relationship, Id argue it's a completely structurally and tonally consistent plotline. But it is incongruent with what the marketing shows the relationship to be.
What's advertised as a love story between two people who initially only have a physical relationship, with one person keeping the other as a second choice since he already loves someone, instead presents in the show as one person encroaching on another's boundaries because of their rivalry with said person's object of affection. Moreover, taking into account how the characters treat each other and what they tolerate or like about each other, their relationship can be mapped on to a textbook description of an abusive relationship.
Character analysis
Rome:
“Why does everyone have to like Jack?”
Rome is consistently in a one sided competition with Jack. This is shown to be fueled by his father unfavorably comparing him to jack and the fact that Jack is generally considered to be a talented senior within the university while Rome feels his own musical talents are unappreciated.
There is not much shown regarding his relationship with his mother other than the comment “ you barely come home. Moms’ been asking about you ” but we can make an educated guess taking into consideration his feelings towards jack, that he harbors some resentment that his mother worries about jack instead of him, the son that does actually stay with her.
It would be remiss not to mention he is the stepson in this family. And it wouldn't be a reach to conclude that his family dynamics have resulted in him having an inferiority complex regarding jack.
The fact that he is now dealing with a person that he is interested in, who not only does not want him, but wants Jack, is a point of pain for him that informs the choices he makes in treating Raffy's role in his life.
“Even if you're the director, don't boss me around. Artists need freedom to work”
Another one of Rome's defining features is the need to be the one with control in all situations he is in. He is shown to have (sometimes violent) bouts of anger and frustration when things don't go his way. This type of control is not something he can achieve in most cases which leads to his loner, i-got-mine attitude. He does not disturb others' peace for no reason. Unfortunately he believes him wanting someone is a good enough reason.
Raffy:
“Actress Ranchalee’s son, little Raf”
Raffy was born to a world with assumptions already made about him. Most of his conflict is informed by him both succumbing to, and learning to fight against, preconceived notions about him. He consistently is shown not to correct people if they believe something about him because he believes it's no use. (sponsors getting him the lead, leaking the video) The image of him has always overpowered who he is as a person.
“I want to be your muse”
One of the ways Raffy seeks an identity for himself is through Jack. and by extension the drama. His idolization of Jack who he sees as a talented and well liked person leads him to believe being someone special to him does indeed make someone special.
And why not? The way Jack has treated Dean as his muse has made him notable within the university and it is something raffy has silently watched and craved for himself for his entire university life. Jack is a light raffy wishes would shine on him.
“Just dont fall, or i will step right on you”
Raffy does not play attack but he is not shown to be a doormat. He immediately sees through and calls out romes negging and other boundary crossing attempts at “courting” him. And he is shown as being able to cut back at Rome initially.
While he has repeatedly tried to placate Dean, he does not want to sit by and take continuous abuse without any reaction. which drives him to try and exact revenge. He looks down on Dean for the one thing he thinks he can look down on him for: him being a host.
“Do you want to come eat with me? I’ll wait”
The only time Raffy's defenses falter is when the person that hurts him is someone he wants the affection of; in which case he is willing to look the other way, forgive and forget. And he does many times, until he breaks down.
He is aware that he is getting strung along by Jack but chooses to ignore it because he wants his approval and affection. He only draws a clear boundary from him when it properly clicks for him that he will always be a replacement.
There are many hurtful things Rome says and does to him which he forgives with increasing frequency as he falls for Rome. He forgives Rome for deleting the video simply because he misses him and craves his affection.
Relationship timeline
First meeting: rome hearing raffy being turned down and taking advantage of him feeling down by offering himself. The intentions are mutual. Both want to simply hookup. Raffy wants to feel himself being desired. Rome desires him.
Raffy does not want further contact with a hookup which hurts Rome's pride; resulting in Rome negging Raffy, (“playing hard to get doesn't make you more valuable”) till he realizes being hurtful isn't that effective towards Raffy, and resorting to blackmailing him; by reminding Raffy he can tell people, specifically Jack, about them hooking up.
Rome in Imaginary contest with jack: objectification of raffy as prize: begins at bar when he sees jack and raffy together and his intentions solidify when Dean asks if he would pursue raffy despite raffy liking Jack, which angers him. Agrees to a deal with Dean.
Rome capitalizes on the moment Dean created where Raffy's been rejected by Jack for Dean and negs him. (“running off after you lost?” “im top tier myself and im ready for you anytime”) resulting in Rome realizing carrot works better than stick with Raffy. Offers Raffy the security of promising not to tell anyone about them. And they hook up.
Raffy is unimpressed by Rome and uses him for information: Raffy is continuously wary of Rome's attempts at being friends although they are somewhat genuine (apart from Rome's implication that he's only interested in pursuing friendship.) Raffy decides to use him.
Even though Raffy is, with very good reason, wary of Rome, we see him begin to get comfortable with Rome’s company during this stage. However, gaining leverage over Dean is far more important to Raffy at this point. And given the nature of their relationship (Rome pursuing a wary raffy.) (Moreover, wariness resulting from Rome's mistreatment of Raffy) Raffy does not owe Rome any loyalty here.
Rome's anger and realization that Raffy's too much trouble: Rome’s ego was hurt. Not only was he manipulated and his sense of control over their relationship dissolved; it was for a chance with Jack. He is no longer having fun.
Raffy crawls back to Rome. Raffy does not have a support system. His plans backfire spectacularly and his only recourse is to get wasted and fall into the arms of his supposed fuck buddy hes not even on good terms with. This, combined with being able to rub in Raffy's face that Jack doesn't like him, does enough to satiate Rome's ego.
Rome is enjoying Raffy relying on his affection and finds himself being able to open his heart to him now that he's back to holding the strings. While initially he is condescending to Raffy regarding his relationship with his mother he immediately softens and offers comfort when he realizes Raffy is hurt.
Raffy is publicly accused of pulling strings to get the lead by Dean, and since he believes there's no use explaining himself he stays quiet. Rome doesn't know what to believe until he sees Raffy talking to Jack and gets jealous, immediately assuming Raffy did do it and that he did it as a way to get close to Jack. In a jealous rage Rome lashes out at Raffy with something he knows will hurt Raffy, the fact that Raffy still doesn't have a clear goal in life.
Raffy confronts Jack about breadcrumbing Raffy but Jack is able to understand this is not just about Rome feeling protective of Raffy but because Rome has feelings for Raffy. And Jack rightfully points out that the person he should talk to is Raffy not him.
Humiliated in public by Dean and hurt by Rome, Raffy is feeling dejected, and immediately accepts when Boston offers to hook up.
Rome’s jealousy reaches a peak when he sees Boston about to kiss Raffy. He punches Boston, and when Raffy calls him out that he has no right to act this way he realizes he does not actually have a defence and tries to assert that they are “friends” at which point Raffy points out it's always just been sex between them.
Which leads Boston to immediately gauge what has happened and point out Romes’ probably caught feelings from hooking up. Feeling humiliated, Rome lashes out and calls Raffy “desperate to act cheap”.
However It was not enough to rome to shame Raffy and call him cheap; he also needed to sleep with someone, and tell Raffy that he will come back to him when he's bored and there's no one else around; to make sure Raffy feels adequately humiliated.
Meanwhile, Raffy does not in the slightest believe he is entitled to monogamy from Rome at this point. He does not believe he owes Rome monogamy either. Hooking up with Boston was something he was entitled to do. When Raffy admits to Rome that he's jealous over Pete he also adds that he has no right to be. Raffy holds himself to the same standards he holds Rome.
By this point Rome's anger has subsided and he is elated seeing raffy jealous which allows him to offer raffy comfort by going out of his way to prove he never slept with pete and impling untruthfully that hes been faithful to raffy (Rome is implied to have slept with the girl he was with. Pete simply wasn't his type).
Rome takes him out to an event where they are asked if they are friends or something more and both reply they are friends but raffy is observably starting to want more.
Throughout the camping trip we see raffy teasing/shit testing rome by pushing pete towards him which rome is annoyed by but sees through as an attempt to gain reassurance that he likes only raffy. Rome is willing to comply. they hook up and raffy does not deny it when rome tells raffy that raffy is already into him.
Rome and Raffy witness Dean and Arnold having a moment in the forest which Raffy records. Rome is angered that Raffy now has another way to get the upper hand over Dean which can end in Jack and Raffy getting together.
This time when Raffy defends himself to Rome on leaking the video there is a clear difference in his justification. He speaks of merely helping Jack who's being cheated on whereas before he was openly speaking about using Dean being a host to get close to Jack. This is notable since it's now evident that Raffy wants Rome.
I've seen many arguments on why exactly Rome deleted Raffy's video. I think many of them hold merit and are at least partially true. (I'm willing to entertain the opinion that at least a small part of him genuinely worried people would ostracize raffy more if raffy spread the video) I also think he did it partially to help Dean, who is his friend who has been wronged by raffy before in a similar way where Rome had been complicit; by unknowingly helping raffy and by not doing anything about it when he does come to know of it.
But, the main and overwhelming reason he did it, is the one that slips out when he confesses that he likes raffy. He can't bear to think Raffy is still helping Jack and he knows when the video gets out that's one more thing out of the way of Jack and Raffy getting together.
Rome does not understand why what he did was wrong. To him raffy was simply not behaving the way he wanted him to and he corrected it. Rome does not enjoy raffy being able to make decisions independent of Rome. Especially ones in favor of Jack. (In fact the moment the video gets out for real, he storms in to reprimand raffy.)
Raffy is humiliated by Dean but when Raffy finds out what happened he is heartbroken not that the video is gone but that Rome took him out not because he likes him but just to betray him.
When Raffy confronts him about the deleted video there is no apology. Instead Rome gets mad at him for doing things for Jack and not noticing Rome. Rome confesses that he likes raffy which raffy (even though he does like Rome by this point) immediately rejects and leaves heartbroken, leaving Rome sad, frustrated and playing the victim.
One of Raffy's lowest points: where Raffy is starting to get disillusioned by Jack, questioning his interest in acting, (partly due to Jack and Dean's treatment of him) and missing Rome. He decides to set things in his life right by pulling out of the drama and trying to smooth things over with Rome.
Rome plays hard to get, believing he was the one that was wronged, even though he betrayed and hurt raffy. since he believes he is entitled to raffy but raffy rejected him. But he decides to go out with raffy anyway stating “he just can't stay mad at him’.
But he is still hurt and angry and expresses it by demeaning Raffy for coming to him after “getting rejected by jack” and for “being spoiled” for dropping out of the drama which he knows are both insults that hurt raffy on a very personal level; despite knowing what raffy went through because of the drama and Dean, which rome himself contributed to by deleting the video.
However we see him hide a smile when Raffy ignores a call from his mom and says he's in a no contact phase with her, possibly implying that Rome is happy that Raffy is distancing himself from a source of frustration and pain in his life.
Someone leaks the Arnold Dean video resulting in Jack Dean breaking up, and a furious Rome immediately comes barging in when Raffy is alone to reprimand him for spreading the video assuming he did it. He still believes he has a right to dictate what choices Raffy makes. Raffy at this point is used to this and does not protest that Rome has no right. But defends himself that he did not do it and reminds it was Rome who deleted his video. While Rome believes he's right to get angry if Raffy did it; when faced with proof Raffy didn't do it, he apologizes to Raffy. (for the first and last time)
Raffy gets a call from Jack which angers Rome but he hesitates to say anything since he has learned he doesn't gain much by lashing out about Jack, and he immediately calms down and smiles when Raffy doesn't pick it up. Romeraffy are shown cuddling together. Rome has solidified his place as Raffy's only source of comfort.
Jack gets wasted at a bar where Raffy finds him and takes him home. Jack tries to come on to Raffy which Raffy rebuffs but seems torn and confused over. Jack uses raffy to make Dean jealous by publicly implying they may get together, without asking for raffy consent. Rome also sees this and gets jealous.
Raffy overhears students talking badly about him behind his back for plotting to get with Jack and again doesn't bother clearing his name despite being upset.
Rome storms in and demands to know whether Raffy and Jack are dating now which frustrates Raffy. He demeans Raffy saying that he must be very happy with the way things turned out since it is what he has been plotting on. The words ring very close to what the other students have been saying about Raffy.
For the first time we see Raffy get tired of Rome making bad faith assumptions about him and try to leave. We get the sense that both considered their last reconciliation as something meaningful in their relationship, leaving both frustrated and wondering why the other one is acting this way. The difference being Raffy is frustrated about Rome's actual behaviour (which are part of a pattern) while Rome is angry because of his entitlement over Raffy and an assumption he made about Raffy.
Rome feels defeated, both against Jack and towards Raffy not wanting him. And as always his insecurities and hurt direct him to hit Raffy wherever it will hurt. Rome reminds Raffy that Jack will never actually pursue him and that he's being used to make Dean jealous.
Raffy finally snaps and decides to hit back, asserting that he and Jack are both single and he can date Jack if he wants. Implying that he is aware he's being used and that it doesn't matter. This can be read as Raffy using Jack to make Rome jealous, but it's also an instance of Raffy standing up for himself against Rome's derision, pointing out that Raffy is not doing anything wrong and nor is he stupid.
Raffy overhears Jack telling Dean that Raffy is his replacement which finally breaks the image of Jack that Raffy has, and subsequently, crushes him. Rome walks in on raffy breaking down.
Raffy cries in Rome's arms. Rome is not only motivated by wanting to protect raffy when he punches Jack. He has simply realized he lost. Jack has what Rome tried so hard to have and he does not even want it.
Rome does genuinely feel for Raffy. And though Raffy expects him to laugh in his face and demean him as usual for wanting Jack, Rome does not give in to his baser instincts in front of Raffy and instead comforts him. This time his anger is able to find its real target.
Rome is content with the state of things afterwards and we see that he has had a reconciliation with Raffy once again as the two make plans to head home together.
However seeing raffy want to talk to jack and asking Rome to wait for him flares up Rome's anger once again and he exclaims he will not wait for anyone. Rome simply has no tolerance for Raffy's choices that are not on his terms, and he is once again reminded he is Raffy’s second choice.
Raffy heads to Rome's house after having stood up for himself with Jack and is immediately greeted with Rome making assumptions that he's gotten back with Jack. This behaviour doesn't faze Raffy at this point and he denies it and thanks Rome for getting hurt standing up for him. By now raffy has internalized that romes hurtful behaviour is,
A result of romes insecurity
Raffy's responsibility
Raffy has learned to fawn at Rome instead of hitting back or defending himself. Raffy seems out of character from this point on because his behaviour is catered to whatever will please Rome the most. It is reminiscent of how Raffy behaved with Jack in the beginning. (though Raffy is able get back some of his usual snark later in the relationship)
Rome believes he is/was entitled to raffy. He believes Raffy not returning his feelings to be equivalent with Raffy causing him intentional harm which Raffy needs to apologize for.
And Raffy apologizes. Rome remains the only source of comfort in Raffy's life and Raffy is willing to do anything to keep him. He has internalized Rome's entitlement towards him and truly believes he has wronged Rome by not reciprocating his feelings before.
When Rome tells him he can't reciprocate Raffy's feelings right away because he's been hurt, Raffy does not cross Rome's boundaries as Rome did. Instead he decides to court him officially
At which Rome seems genuinely pleased.
Raffy wakes up the next day to find that the playlist rome made for raffy has been deleted which upsets raffy since he has watched it on repeat whenever he missed rome and has grown attached to it and he immediately goes to find Rome. Rome is again playing hard to get since his pride has been hurt.
While it's clear Rome's behavior is also a result of insecurity and needing reassurance, the way he goes about it is much different from the kind of shit testing raffy did with Pete to rome. What raffy wanted to check is if rome wanted him while he has other options but what rome is checking is what raffy is willing to endure for him.
There is not much to say about the ice bath except that the request and follow through is entirely in line with Rome's behavior throughout the show. It is however notable that with it Rome has now crossed the threshold of causing emotional pain to physical pain.
Rome helps Raffy to confront Pete. For the first time, Raffy has someone in his corner regarding his issues at university. And it's enough to give him the push to stand up for himself instead of believing there's no point in defending himself and that no one will believe him.
Raffy continues grovelling to Rome consistently, his own dreams and goals now forgotten; Rome states that he enjoys having Raffy prove himself but after a (self flagellating) public proposal he is unable to turn Raffy down.
Coercive and abusive characteristics within the relationship
Sexual coercion
The first instance of Rome becoming interested in Raffy as more than a one night stand is a result of Raffy putting down clear boundaries and subsequently calling out Rome for crossing them. For someone obsessed with control, Rome finds this entertaining. His behaviour keeps ramping up from praising raffy to demeaning raffy to finally blackmailing raffy that he will tell Jack, to find out what will make Raffy's boundaries give in.
When Rome finally realizes Raffy is willing to stand his ground, Rome gives in and promises to not tell Jack which is what finally results in them having sex a second time.
Dehumanization of Raffy
Rome's attraction to Raffy is initially based on him finding it entertaining to push Raffy's boundaries. But, it feels halfhearted; even when he blackmails Raffy there's really no fire in his words. He simply enjoys Raffy’s reactions. Which is not to say that this absolves him of the responsibility of his actions- enjoying toying with people's feelings and causing them hurt is not a morally neutral action, Moreover, whatever his intentions were, the result is the same. He is hurting and crossing another person’s boundaries.
However what really fuels him to pursue raffy is explicitly shown to be his hatred of feeling less than Jack. It’s the driving force in his behaviour towards Raffy and shapes the way he views Raffy. Again this makes Raffy a means to an end, a conquest for Rome to feel he is just as good and worthy of love as Jack is.
Despite this, Rome's feelings towards raffy has always been complicated. We know he cares about raffy because of the way he has responded on occasions where Raffy is upset. And he is shown to be genuinely endeared by and attracted to Raffy, and he is willing to show it. For someone starving for a genuine kind word, raffy can't help falling for Rome.
But even this attraction quickly reveals itself to be surface level when you consider Rome’s complete lack of interest in who Raffy is as a person. For someone supposedly pursuing Raffy, there has never been an instance where Rome even indirectly asks Raffy about himself, but he is always quick to condescend on Raffy's choices. Everything Rome knows about raffy he knows by chance or was volunteered to him.
Their entire period of rome’s courting of raffy consists of rome trying to fit raffy into romes life, interests and choices. Shutting down either through verbal condescension or by deliberate sabotage, every action that makes raffy not fit into his life. It's genuinely chilling that Raffy’s courting of Rome then is also Raffy trying to fit himself into Rome's life. Raffy, who once was able to quit something he thought was his passion, because he believes in finding an identity for himself, is now completely lost in building up Rome instead. He now believes Rome is the only source of validation he can hope to achieve.
Rome feeling “protective” towards raffy
While he's always out of stock on the apology front, Rome feels for raffy when he's hurt and is shown to be genuinely empathetic to him multiple times, by comforting raffy regarding his mother and standing up for raffy regarding pete. He's even able to be comforting towards Raffy's hurt feelings with Jack after Raffy breaks down in his arms, even though this deeply wounds Rome's pride.
However the thing all these incidents have in common is that defending Raffy against them does not threaten Rome's chances with Raffy against Jack. Rome punching Jack was the big moment of catharsis for Rome, not Raffy.
Rome's “loyalty”
If Rome has truly felt protective over Raffy for Raffy's sake, he would not support Dean in any way. But instead he's Dean's main and only support in Dean’s agenda against Raffy. This is because they both have the same goal. Keeping Raffy away from Jack.
Rome is more than aware of how Dean treats raffy but Dean's mistreatment of raffy has never angered Rome. Addressing Dean's abuse of Raffy is one more obstacle removed from Raffy and Jack getting together. Rome is willing to do anything to help Raffy just as long as it is something that will keep him with Rome.
This is not to say Rome is loyal to Dean, Rome was more than willing to forget Raffy spreading Dean's host video the moment Raffy came back to him. And he wants Raffy despite thinking he pulled strings to get Dean’s part in the play. While Rome is willing to call people out, his loyalty does not go further than what serves him.
It is especially nauseating then, that Rome’s entitlement to Raffy is based on his self perceived loyalty to him. At every turn he keeps bringing out the words “after everything I’ve done for you?” when in actuality he hasn’t done anything that would warrant Raffy feeling indebted to him.
Playing the victim and blame shifting
Whenever Rome lashes out at Raffy and whenever Raffy calls out his hurtful behaviour, Rome's main justification is the same, that he has feelings for Raffy and that Raffy is ignoring them. Even in the instances where he does not say this outright.
At times it seems it's himself he's trying to justify his behavior to as well as Raffy by claiming he loves Raffy. His entitlement to raffy protects him from having to acknowledge the pain he causes Raffy.
Moreover this puts the blame of Rome's bad behaviour onto Raffy- none of this would have happened if he simply complied and gotten together with Rome and stopped caring about Jack, the way Rome wants him to.
Punishment of Raffy
This is a relationship peppered with subtle as well as overt insults, and bigger punishments, when Raffy's behavior doesn't live up to Rome's expectations.
Lashing out and calling raffy cheap for wanting to sleep with Boston as if Rome himself isn't someone known for being promiscuous, small comments on raffy being spoiled because he knows it cuts raffy because of his relationship with family, as if Rome himself is not rich, Condescending to Raffy for both not having a clear goal in life and also later on, for taking steps to find a clear goal in life, simply because Rome felt jealous and wanted to make Raffy feel small.
Humiliation as punishment: for when Rome feels truly wronged. Both when Raffy tried to sleep with Boston and when Raffy started to court Rome, Rome was shown hurting Raffy not just to cull a behavior he doesn't want, but also to enjoy the hurt he was imparting on Raffy. Rome's insecurities in himself leads him to view as validations of his self worth what Raffy is willing to go through for him and tolerate from him. (Sleeping with other people as revenge for Boston, Putting Raffy through trials to win Rome over)
Breaking down Raffy's self worth
This behaviour also serves another purpose of bringing down Raffy's self esteem, which will in turn make him more dependent on Rome, as Rome is his only source of positive reinforcement as well. Rome is intent on pushing the message that
Raffy is someone that needs to be “handled”.
Rome is the only one who sees him as someone with any value.
The speech Raffy gives which finally makes Rome accept being his partner shows the extent to which Raffy has internalized this. Raffy, who once knew he had the skills to rival Dean and who had the self confidence to go after Jack unabashedly, now believes he is both someone without much worth as well as someone who isn't lovable. He has started to fully depend on Rome for validation instead of on himself.
Image management
Rome never speaks about Raffy with others the demeaning way he speaks to Raffy in private. With the exception being Dean who also has the same stakes to lose as him and has no reason to betray his trust. Rome's public image is perfectly curated and matches the morally righteous version of himself he has in his mind.
Pete sees him as a loyal partner to Raffy who doesn't tolerate any one speaking ill of him, Jack sees him as someone who has consistently been protective of Raffy and he cannot even hold a grudge against Rome for being punched. The only person who was immediately able to see through Rome was Boston who doesn't have any other connection to Rome other than happening to be there when his mask slips.
It is notable then that the most notable attempt of Raffy of standing up for himself is when he disregards Rome's attempt to take it outside when Raffy called him out for betraying him. His very first concern in being held accountable is that other people can hear what he did.
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The version of this relationship that is defended by fans is, Id argue largely fanon. Its informed by many factors such as Sandray (a couple that actually fits the narrative RR was marketed as) appearing in scenes with RomeRaffy leading to parallels being drawn, actors' opinions and irl dynamics, and ofc the marketing.
Even fans of the relationship, however, criticize some points, notably the ice bath scene and stealing Raffy's phone, blaming it as an oversight by writers. But in reality those moments are in fact consistent with the rest of the behavior they exhibit within the show, so now we are faced with a much bigger problem that this series then romanticizes a genuinely heartbreaking emotionally abusive relationship.
