I think about how Barb and Robin were both in band. And how Barb would have definitely been friends with Robin. And how they were both lesbians. And how they bonded over sharing their crushes with each other. For Robin, it was Tammy. For Barb, it was Nancy. And like…what if Robin told Nancy that Barb was in love with her…
TW/CW: Light internalized and external homophobia
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Nancy looks back over her shoulder at Steve and Eddie, watches as Eddie leans in and Steve's answering smile at whatever Eddie says. She turns back and looks at the taller girl walking beside her. Robin keeps her eyes on the ground, searching for all the safe places to put her feet - each step hesitating in awkward balance before it touches ground.
"You know," Robin sighs, as if she can feel Nancy's eyes on her, "it doesn't help to have you glaring at me."
"I'm not glaring." Nancy argues.
Robin looks over at her briefly before looking back to her feet, "It feels like a glare."
Nancy chuckles, "It's more of a...a considerate observation."
Robin pauses and looks directly at Nancy. She tries to hide her smile while she repeats, "A considerate observation?"
Nancy continues forward, allows the distance to hide her own smile, "Exactly."
Robin closes the gap so they walk side by side again, "Well, I appreciate your considerate observation to be limited as we navigate Vecna/Henry/One's landmines."
"Yeah, no worries." Nancy looks down at the grey earth and dark vines.
Silence fills the space until Steve's laugh echoes around them. Robin giggles in response as if her and Steve are even connected to each other's joy. Nancy's heart sinks a little.
"You know, I used to be like that with Barb." Nancy says as if she can't keep it in anymore.
"Hmm?" Robin hums as she giggles again with Steve.
"That." Nancy says, keeping her eyes down. "Barb was my best friend and it was like, even if we didn't know what was happening, if one of us was happy the other felt it just as much."
"Nance - " Robin's voice is soft.
"It's really special you have that with him. And Steve, he deserves to have someone who giggles when he laughs, who feels everything for him as if it were happening to them. Steve deserves a best friend, who - "
"Nancy. Steve and I are best friends, nothing more." Robin intterupts.
"I know. I know, you've said that."
"Platonic. Completely platonic, trust me."
"Yeah, but still, it's nice he has someone who he's that close with."
They fall into silence.
But Robin isn't good with silence and suddenly she says, "I was friends with Barb you know."
"You were?" Nancy immediately regrets the statement. The guilt of not knowing Barb had been friends with Robin seeping into her blood, cold and fast. She mutters, "God, I was a shitty friend."
"No, you weren't. Nancy - " Robin cuts herself short.
Nancy looks over at her, "What?"
Robin looks up at the grey sky as it flashes red, "I promised I wouldn't say anything..."
Nancy's chest grows tight. Her mouth is dry.
"...but maybe at this point you should know." Robin looks back down at Nancy, her blue eyes wide and pleading for understanding.
"You...you don't have to tell me..." Nancy finally chokes out.
Robin sighs, "I feel like you need to know. And maybe it's this place. Maybe it's the fact that we could like all die in a matter of seconds or maybe it's because I would want to know if I were you but I'm not you so maybe you don't want to know and it's not like I have any real right to assume your feelings - "
"Robin." Nancy interjects, panic lacing itself into her tone, "Robin, just tell me."
"Ok, but...but you have to promise this won't ruin your idea of Barb." Robin lets out a shaky breath.
Nancy studies her face. The other girl looks scared, more scared then she had just been a moment ago fighting interdimensional bats. She looks terrified.
"I promise," Nancy finally says with a curt nod.
"Ok..." Robin stops and looks at the dirt, toes it a bit with her shoe, "Nancy...Barb didn't think you were a shitty friend. Barb...Barb loved you."
Nancy strains to hear the last part but she catches it and it doesn't make sense...that was what Robin was afraid to say?
"Robin, I know. Barb and I were best friends."
Robin bites her bottom lip and releases it with a sigh, "No, Nancy. Barb loved you."
"I know Rob - "
"No. You don't.” Robin’s voice is sharp, a tone Nancy has never heard from her. She opens her arms wide and drops them, her tone also dropping to something softer, “She was in love with you. She wanted to be the one who held your hand. She wanted to be the one to sneak kisses at your locker. She wanted to be the one whose name you scribbled in your notebook. She wanted to be Steve, Nancy. She was your best friend, but she wanted to be your girlfriend." Robin has tears in her eyes as she looks at Nancy, her words coming out in a rush. "She loved you Nancy."
Nancy's heart cracks, “She…”
“She loved you and I promised I wouldn’t say anything and Barb will probably hate me forever…but I had to tell you. She could never hate you, Nancy, because she loved you.” Robin’s voice wavers like a loose string on a guitar, “You have to forgive yourself, because she already has.”
Nancy blinks and a few tears slip down her cheeks, “I…”
“Nancy if you’re about to say something bad…please don’t…I just know Barb would hate to see you eaten away by misplaced guilt.” Robin mutters, her own tear filled eyes studying the ground.
“I…never knew…I…” Nancy sputters.
“Well you know, she didn’t want to ruin your friendship. It’s not like she could have walked up to you and told you and then both of you act like nothing changed. That just doesn’t happen for u- ” Robin snaps her mouth shut and looks off to the side.
“I…” Nancy starts and then stops unsure of what to say. Her head is a tornado of memories mixed with shock. She can feel her heartbeat in her throat and her stomach flip flop. And all the while she is staring at Robin with pleading eyes.
Robin finally looks up, swipes the back of her hand across her cheeks, “Just tell me you don’t hate her.”
“I could never.” Nancy finally says, but her voice is so soft she wonders if Robin even heard her.
Robin nods her head and starts forward again. Nancy stares at the place she stood. A tiny memory of a feeling bubbles up in Nancy’s chest, and she knows it can never go back under all it had been buried under now.
She follows quietly behind Robin. And allows the snapshots to filter through her.
Snap - Nancy’s crying as her dad throws out her Barbies because he caught Nancy letting them kiss. Girls don’t kiss other girls. It’s wrong. Karen talk some sense into your daughter.
Snap - Nancy’s staring at a make-up advertisement trying to ignore the way the model’s lips and eyelashes make her stomach feel.
Snap - Nancy imagining herself saving the princess in the fairytale books instead of a knight…
Snap - Nancy watching in middle school as Lindsey Bennett had egg salad dumped on her as everyone laughed and pointed. The echoing sound of dyke being chanted all because Lindsey cut her hair.
Snap - Nancy policing herself in the locker room.
Snap - Nancy and Barb giggling and holding hands under the blankets at a sleepover. How all Nancy wanted was for Barb to be her first kiss but then she remembered the Barbies and she jerked her hand away and snapped that it was time to go to sleep.
Nancy swallows.
Snap - The guilt when Barb went missing wasn’t all just guilt, it was heartbreak. And how every night Nancy had to tell herself she was just sad, nothing more.
Snap - Nancy taking down every picture and removing every gift and hiding it all away with Barb’s sweater after the upside down. And Nancy telling her mom to just forget it when she noticed the change in Nancy’s bedroom.
Snap - Nancy letting all of her friendships outside of The Party, especially with women, just disappear…
Snap.
Robin looks back over her shoulder and comes to a stop when she sees Nancy’s face.
“Nance are you ok?”
Nancy looks up and gives a jerky smile, tears fall down her cheeks, “Yeah, yeah. I’ll be fine. I just wish she could have told me.”
Robin frowns and reaches out a hand towards Nancy. Nancy takes the offered hand, grateful for the grounding feeling it gives her. They walk on hand-in-hand. Robin gives her a reassuring squeeze every third step which makes Nancy smile. The sky breaks red in a jagged pattern before stitching together in dark grey, and Nancy thinks her heart must look the same way.
Another day of trying not to think about Maya Hawke, Natalia Dyer, and ronance. But, failing miserably. Going even deeper into their tags and looking for any new Ronance fics I’ve missed.
