#root_original

[wordsfromyourveins]

Have You Always?

Have you always seen?  My love for girls. Through classes,  when I should have been prattling about  boys. Instead you heard stories of my  best-friends and head girls from school.

Have you always known?  My attraction to pretty girls with  pretty eyes and sad stories.  Stories I re-told at lunch everyday, asking  for endings I knew nothing about. 

Have you always heard?  The magic words meant for friends, who meant more than I realized.  Talking for hours on phone, letters. In dreams, wishing for more time together. 

Have you always felt? The way my heart skips beats when  I see love in front of me. Having invited  her to lunch at your behest.  Smiling like a fool, hanging on her every single word. 

Have you always understood?  Like I do today. About what it means,  to love someone like me.  To want to spend eternity with the  woman I brought home yesterday.  Have you always seen? Have you always known?  Have you always heard? Have you always felt?  Have you always understood? This forbidden love of mine?  Have you always loved me?  In-spite of this forbidden love of mine.  Have you? 

[wordsfromyourveins]

Can I? May I?

Can I hold you?  If it gets too overwhelming?  When you cannot breathe?  If you are not sure?  Can I hold you? Can I support you?  If the going gets tough?  When you are fighting alone?  If you get cornered by life?  Can I support you?  Can I kiss you?  If you start crying in the middle of the day?  When memories threaten to drown you?  If you feel alone?  Can I kiss you?  Can I remind you?  If you feel lost?  When you are not sure about your paths?  If you are unsure about us? Can I remind you? Can I free you?  If you feel claustrophobic in the middle of an open road? When you cannot open the doors?  If you feel caged?  Can I free you?  Can I save myself?  If I am breaking to pieces? When I am buried in nightmares? If I don’t remember the words?  Can I save myself?   May I hold you?  May I kiss you?  May I remind you?  May I free you?  May I save myself? 

[wordsfromyourveins]

In The Arms Of Love

Do you know how it feels? To find places where you can sleep. Without wondering what stories Your brain will decide to tell you In the middle of the night When your body is without pretenses and your soul, hungers for the comfort of another?

Do you know how it feels? To find a couch in the middle of a room Full of people talking and clamoring for attention to their words, to their feelings. Seeking validation from strangers. Where you can lay your head down And just sleep. For a few minutes.

Do you know how it feels? To find a bed where the pillows are made of Soft comfort. And material that make it easy to shed tears. Because tomorrow will not bring proof of your fear. Instead peace for your head and safety for your emotions. That have not found place anywhere else.

Do you know how it feels? To find one person that lets you rest. In her arms where you find forgiveness. And belief that you can wake up tomorrow. Live another day where steps are faltering. Breaths are hesitant. Memories threatening. Do you know what it feels like to find love?

[wordsfromyourveins]

My Teeth. On Her.

I wanted my teeth on her.  I didn’t know that I would feel like a broken,  record waiting to be put together.  Pieces of clock gears, moving out of sync,  waiting to be joined together.  I wanted my teeth on her.  To remind me that she was real, flesh and bones. Standing in-front of me,  As if I had conjured her up from imagination. By the desperateness of my wanting.  I wanted my teeth on her.  Wanted to leave a mark of the hunger, that I felt the first time I touched her.  Euphoric that I could have a taste, petrified that a taste is all I will ever have.  I wanted my teeth on her.  As a prayer, to anything that hears.  Asking for a chance to make this work. Holding her tight, heartbeats melding together till I could no longer hear her’s start and mine ending. I wanted my teeth on her. And hers on mine.  Marking fever dreams and unspoken promises.  One bite at a time.

[wordsfromyourveins]

I Have Learnt It For You

I have learnt to hear the word, Love, without running. I have learnt to believe. To hope. To wish for better things than I was prepared to receive, And be thankful for the lessons they sometimes bring. I have learnt it for you.

I have practiced saying sorry with tears choked beneath, each syllable, for all the times I might hurt you. I have practiced soothing hurts that might  just be smarting, from past cuts and new bruises springing on old memories. I have learnt it for you.

I have memorized the number of heartbeats in minute, ready to count them as they skip. Irreverent, unwilling to keep pace with the thoughts that whirr through your head. I have learnt to measure sleep in heartbeats. I have learnt it for you.

I have written down sentences and words, trying to make sense of contradictory emotions. Penning thoughts, unwilling to be tamed. I have written graphs of memories, we could not do without. Happy. Sad. Angry. Defeated. Hopeful. And I have learnt to make sense of it. I have learnt it all. For you.

[wordsfromyourveins]

I can. Again.

Nobody sees it the way I do. And these people, mean well. They are friends and family. Family I have built, with my own hands and raw emotions. So when they say they don’t see it. I want to punch them all.

Nobody believes in it the way I do. Not the mad ones, not the sane ones. They wish me well, they mean me well, they who have seen me at the worst. Do not want me to slip again. And I don’t care.

Nobody says no outright. Not when they think I am too fast, not when they think I am in too deep. Sad eyes, long sighs and shuttered emotions on their face. Is all I have to base my disappointment on.

Nobody wants to see me hurt. And I love them to bits, for trying to protect me when clearly I am far too gone. But I also want to stop telling my world, stories of despair, if they cannot dare to dream again.  Because I can.

I can dream again. I can be hurt again. I can get up again. I can support again. I can believe again. I can wait. For as long as it takes.

The world is far too cruel on it’s own. I don’t need to add a layer of ice on something this cold. If I were to burn and it melts some of the walls, then I am happy to burn at both ends, Only then would I consider having lived, Something worth living for.

[wordsfromyourveins]

Do you ever wonder who did you send messages to before we started talking. I think this is the wind and the late night talking. I mean midnight is the bewitching hour. So maybe I am blabbering. But I remember I used to say things to different people. On different days. It's like clues to a bigger mystery. You spread enough of them around so that people have small bits and pieces of your story but none of them has the complete saga.

I use book motifs for everything in my life

[wordsfromyourveins]

Does It Get Easier

When does it stop?  Feeling like a ball at the bottom of your stomach. Breath whooshing out on the way down,  on a ferris wheel which went higher than you anticipated.  When do you stop?  Jumping at every sound from a phone that you were, not even used to carrying. Sounds, that are now permanently etched as her voice.  When do you breathe?  One complete breath without feeling the squeeze  of emotions so raw, their hold so tight. Too deep to be shared, and too much to be kept inside.  When do you know?  That it is okay to put words to feelings, that  you never knew existed and now do not know how to understand. Stiff and unyielding.  When do you believe?  That you won’t break her, asking for too much.  Too less, not knowing when to stop. When would it be just enough?