If you're still accepting prompts, could you do a Roxy & Eggsy friendship fic with aromantic Eggsy & bisexual Roxy? Thanks.
gotta admit, writing bisexual roxy goes against my staunch headcanon of her being a lesbian. but for you, anon, i’ll suck it up and branch out~
---
Eggsy is the best kind of friend. He picks up an extra coffee for her when he gets one for himself, always answers his phone, invites her over for dinner when she’s lonely, and is just /there/ for her. After years of empty relationships with two-faced academy kids, she finds him refreshing. She doesn’t deserve him, not in the least because she doesn’t really know how to reciprocate.
On the flip-side, though, Eggsy can be unbelievably overbearing. When she went on a mission with a cold, he loaded her down with multiple scarves, a thermos of soup, extra-strength medication, and a teddy bear.
“Look, sometimes when you’re sick you just wanna cuddle,” Eggsy said defensively. “And you’re gonna be on your own. Ain’t right you’re goin’ when you’re sick, Rox. Shoulda asked Merlin to reassign it.”
(The worst part is that he’s never wrong. Because she did use the damn bear that night on the plane, and then again in the hotel when she was puking her guts out.)
Spending a night at a club reminds her why, every once in awhile on a mission, she has the urge to wring his bloody neck.
“She’s not bad lookin’. What ‘bout her?”
“She’s fine. Doesn’t look like she’s looking for company though. I’ll pass.”
Roxy grabs their drinks from the waiter. They’ve grabbed a small table for the night, right in the middle of the floor. It’s a posh enough place where they’ll stop by and refill their drinks rather than make them go to the bar, which is just the kind of lazy evening Roxy’s after.
Eggsy takes his ditzy drink with an umbrella, sipping at it and seeming pleased by however they made it. Roxy doesn’t even try to remember the names of the strange concoctions he orders. She prefers to stick to classics, hence her martini. He mocks her for playing James Bond, but Roxy figures that she spent months training to be an international super spy and she deserves to have her Bond-moments. If it’s a cliche, well, whatever.
“Well, what ‘bout him? He don’t look too gross--”
“Your recommendations really, really should have higher bars than ‘not too gross’,” Roxy interrupts. She rolls her eyes. “Eggsy, just because I’m bi doesn’t mean I’ll fuck anyone. You can stop assuming my standards are low--”
“I didn’t mean it like that!” He yelps, spinning to face her. “Rox, I’m sorry. I just. Really don’t know your type. At all. I didn’t mean it like that, swear on me mum.”
She sighs, presses her glass to her forehead. “I know you didn’t, I’m sorry. I’m just frustrated. I’m pissed I couldn’t make it work with James. I liked him a lot, you know?”
“Yeah. ‘s not your fault it didn’t work out though. He was a bit of a prick.”
“Yeah, and he had such a lovely one,” Roxy mutters. “God, it was a nice one. And he was good about dates, you know? Never missed one and didn’t get pissy when I did. But forget his birthday and suddenly I’m the bad guy.”
“It’s ‘cause he’s a prick, Rox. Don’t sweat it. Let’s get you a rebound, yeah? You’re better off without him anyway.”
Roxy sighs. “How are you able to just do that?”
“What do you mean?”
“I’ve never seen you upset over a breakup. None of your boyfriends left you a wreck like mine do.” She chugs half of her glass, sighing. “Wish I could shut off like that.”
“They wasn’t anything like that though. Ain’t boyfriends really,” Eggsy says. He rubs her back, shrugging at her surprised look. “Just one night stands. I ain’t about datin’, Rox. Thought you knew that.”
“Not one of them meant anything?”
“I didn’t say that,” Eggsy responds, a little sharply. “I’m just not interested in a long-term partner like that. It don’t work like that for me. I’m not--I like sex, Rox. But the extra stuff?” He shrugs again. “Nah. Not for me. Fairy tale romance ain’t my style.”
Roxy frowns. “Isn’t that lonely? I mean, Eggsy, aren’t you going to want someone special some day? Maybe not now since we’re still young, but eventually--Don’t you want that special someone?”
He shrugs, a little helplessly. “Rox, for me, I got no need for any of that. Ain’t interested. I got me mum, got Daisy, got you, got Merlin, got Harry--You all make me happy. You’re all my special people.” He grins, that small charming grin that Roxy thinks she could’ve fallen in love with if they weren’t already perfect as they are. “I’m good. Real good. I ain’t got another half, see? Ain’t no soulmate for Gary Unwin, not like you. Just a big family and some hot, anonymous sex every once in awhile.”
Their waiter stops by with replacements, which Eggsy passes out this time. He finishes the last dredges of his first before starting on his second, and Roxy takes a second to chug half of the new one as well while she puzzles over Eggsy’s words.
“Well,” She says finally. “You might want to tell Harry. I think he’s hoping you’ll come around soon and ride off into the sunset with him. Best let him down easy now that he signs our paychecks.”
Eggsy snorts and she grins. “Ain’t my fault he can’t take a hint. For real though, I’d do him in a heartbeat if he wasn’t gettin’ feelin’s involved. Fit, posh bloke like that?”
“I don’t know,” Roxy taps her chin, as if in deep thought. “The whole over-the-top gentleman schtick, the mentor thing he’s got going on with you--Kind of screams, ‘Daddy’. Not my cup of tea, personally.”
“Bruv, if I could bang him, no strings attached, I’d call him whatever the fuck he wants. Daddy, Fredrick, King Harold of the Kinky Isles--With an arse like that, ain’t worth it bein’ picky ‘bout the semantics.” He winks and she collapses into helpless giggles.
She doesn’t end up getting a rebound that night. Her and Eggsy drink themselves stupid, bitch about anything and everything, and drunkenly call Merlin to give them a ride home when it gets late. He bitches about it, but they know he likes that they trust him to keep them safe when they’re as trashed as they are, seeing as he never refuses them and marks his own calendar for their nights out.
Plus, Eggsy doesn’t puke on the seats this time. Roxy counts the night as a win.
“I understand you two are young, wild things,” Merlin says dryly. “But must you get completely wrecked so often?”
“Oi, s’not ‘so often’,” Roxy says, using air-quotes. Eggsy’s passed out on her shoulder and snoring. “Don’t gotta be rude, Mer-mer. Just once a month. And, you know.” She stretches in the seat and giggles. “Don’t get to let go as much, yeah? Me and him, we just--Gets stressful, ‘s all. And we don’t get to hang out as proper best mates often ‘nough ‘cause of work and we never have the same assig-assiss--missions.”
She giggles again when Eggsy readjusts his position and starts breathing into her neck. Merlin shakes his head. “I suppose you’ll be wanting to stay at mine tonight so you don’t wake up his mother, yes?”
Roxy hiccups. “Please and thanks, Mer-mer.”
“Please stop that’.”
“’s cute, Merlin.” Eggsy pipes up, apparently less unconscious than previously thought. “I like it, a’least. Mer-mer, best designated driver ever!”
Like the infants they are, they spend the rest of the ride chanting, “Mer-mer, Mer-mer!” in between his irritated exclamations.
(The best part about friendship with Eggsy, Roxy thinks, is that they don’t have to understand each other completely. He accepts her for who she is, in all of her snappy, bossy, melancholic, insensitive glory. She accepts him for who he is, even as overbearing and clueless as he can be.
So even though she knows Eggsy doesn’t understand why she’s so desperate for a long-term partner, and even though he knows she doesn’t fully understand the concept of aromanticism, they both accept that they don’t understand. They let the other one talk and share their opinions, share their frustrations, and they listen and sympathize, even if they can’t empathize completely.
There’s something inherently comforting in how Eggsy says, “I’m sorry you’re goin’ through this. I don’t know what it’s like but I can listen and brush your hair while you bitch if you’d like.” )
Kingsman Prompt: asexual homoromantic roxy laughing at merwin shenanigans please
Bro the idea of roxy having the same orientation as me is actually lovely and i’ll enjoy this just saying~ thank you for the opportunity! (although I didn’t actually write her the same as me. I went for more of a sex-repulsed asexual vibe, if that’s alright.)
Also MERWIN HELL YEAH thank you for prompting Merwin it makes me so happy <3 This was so much fun, thank you! : )
it’s a little more Roxy-centric than I anticipated but this is my first time writing something mainly for her, so I hope you enjoy.
---
“Oh no,” Roxy grabs Eggsy’s collar, dragging him away from the desk. “We need to work. You can blow Merlin later--”
“Rox!”
“You mean you won’t?” Merlin frowns. For having no hair, he somehow always manages to give off a “sex hair” vibe. His red lips, the stretched collar that’s irreparable, and his blown pupils are oddly obvious for a man who normally gives away nothing. “But it’s my birthday.”
“It is not.”
“Could be.”
“’s not.” Eggsy sings, stumbling when Roxy jerks him harder. “Okay, alright, sorry. On my way. Back later, babe!” He calls just as Roxy slams the door shut.
“Seriously, Eggsy, we need to work on this assignment. Arthur’s being a right prick about it.” She keeps dragging him, stopping abruptly when he digs his heels in. “What?”
“The Moroccan thing?” Eggsy asks, confused.
“Yes. What other assignment are we doing together?” She responds slowly. She adores Eggsy, but he’s notoriously bad at actually doing work outside of missions. Especially since he and Merlin got their heads out of their asses and started dating. They’re adorable, but Roxy knows they’ll already be up all night trying to finish this crap and they don’t have time for him to fuck around with Merlin. “We need to finish. I’m already looking to sell our tickets, there’s no way we’re making the concert when we have this to finish.”
“Don’t sell our tickets!” Eggsy yelps. “I thought I told you I got Merl to finish it for us so we can go tonight.” He snatches her tablet off of her desk, tapping through it to the paperwork section. “Just sign off on it and we’re good.”
She stares. “Excuse me?”
“Yeah, see, there was no way we’d be able to finish it in time to go out with the way Arthur’s acting,” Eggsy says, nudging her with the stylus. “So I told Merl if he did the rest of it for us I’d let him use the Devastator on me. And that man can go when he’s properly motivated. Took him two hours flat.” He waits for a reaction, and when he doesn’t get one, adds, “It was kinda hot. For me, I mean. You’d be impressed by the efficiency though.”
Roxy has a conscience. She does. Normally, she would be infuriated and delete the work so they could do it themselves and she could have a guilt-free night of work. She takes pride in her work at Kingsman and wants to do her best. Trusting anyone else to do her work isn’t in her wiring.
However, the new Arthur is a dickhead. Racist, sexist, classist--Any kind of prejudice a man could have, he has. Which means Roxy and Eggsy end up with the shitty missions and the worst assignments. Because he’s a dickhead.
And she is a big enough woman to admit that Merlin is smarter than her and Eggsy combined. Which means Arthur won’t find a single fault in the report. And she and Eggsy can have their night off for the first time since V-Day.
She tilts her head. “I’m not sure if I’m more disturbed by the fact you didn’t tell me this the moment it happened or that I know your couple name for Merlin’s favorite sex toy.”
He grins. “So, gonna sign anytime soon? Me and you can go get dolled up after that.”
Roxy applies her signature, a sharp thing that’s barely legible. “Should I be thanking you for your sacrifice? Last time you couldn’t walk for a week.”
Eggsy gives her a thumbs up. “Y’know, it’s a hardship, but it’s a sacrifice I’m willin’ to make. For the greater good, of course.”
“You’re a pure martyr. Truly, Jesus weeps in sympathy.”
He shrieks with laughter, and she maintains her composure for about three seconds before collapsing into giggles as well.
They do make sure to walk by Merlin’s so Eggsy can give him a proper goodbye.
”I can see your tongues from over here. You’re disgusting. Really, I can’t believe I’m witnessing this.”
Her disgust would be more believable if she wasn’t giggling and if Eggsy hadn’t stopped the kiss to go out of his way to be obviously disgusting. Merlin, a true saint, puts up with Eggsy licking his face for longer than anyone reasonably should.
He finally shoves Eggsy out of his lap and says, “Go on, get. Go act your age for once. Call me when you inevitably need a ride home. Puke before you get in the car. You know the rules.”
“The best, Merl,” Eggsy says, sprawled on the floor. He jumps back up and kisses Merlin’s cheek. “That’s what you are. The absolute best.”
“You’re sleeping outside if you puke in my presence. Understand?”
Eggsy waves him off and goes to leave, laughing when Merlin smacks his arse. “Ooh, yeah baby. Save that for later, Daddy~”
“Never say that again. Get out, I can’t look at you.” Merlin covers his face while Roxy’s laughter escalates into wheezing giggles.
She gets her breath back and tosses out a, “Thanks Merlin! Appreciate it.” before jogging to catch up to Eggsy. Merlin yells something unintelligible, but Eggsy must understand because he flushes red out of nowhere. “That must be good.”
He claps her on the back. “Rox, you listen to me yak about a lot of stuff you don’t care about, but I respect you too much to tell you what that means.”
She snorts. “Fair enough.” After a moment, she hesitantly asks, “So did I tell you that I have a second date with Nat?”
Pointedly, Roxy doesn’t look over. She can imagine Eggsy gaping at her. “For real? Rox, that’s great! You really liked her, didn’t you? Second date’ll go even better I reckon. Where you gonna go?”
She shrugs. “I was hoping you could help me think of things. We went somewhere posh last time so I want to downgrade a bit. Get her to loosen up, yeah?”
“Gotcha. We’ll talk about it.” He eyes her, then says, “There’s something else. What is it, Pop-Rox?”
Roxy climbs into the shuttle first, rolling her shoulders as she collapses into her seat. The door slides shut, nearly on the back of Eggsy’s jacket. “She texted me the other day, said she found my dating profile. The one that actually said I’m ace, not the dummy one I used awhile back.”
Eggsy gives her a sympathetic wince. “And?”
Roxy shrugs. “She didn’t really say anything. Just told me it was a good picture of me and sorry for creeping around online for me.”
They’re quiet for a bit. She adds, with a slight hint of despair, “I really like her, Eggsy.”
Eggsy leans forward in his seat and takes her hands. He squeezes them until she squeezes back. “Listen, Rox. From what you told me, Nat seemed cool. She sounds like she’s not a moron. And if she’s not a moron, it won’t be a problem. And if she is a moron, you don’t need her. We’ll find you someone better.”
She nods with a sigh. “It’s frustrating.”
“I know. I mean, I don’t, not first hand, but I know. You know?”
She snorts. “Yeah, I know. It’d just be easier if I lie back and think of England, I know, but I’m sick of it.”
“Just be yourself. You ain’t gotta do anything you don’t wanna and it’s not on you to make her understand that if she don’t already.” Eggsy frowns. “Don’t pretend. You deserve better than that.”
The shuttle comes to a halt. The door slides open, but Eggsy holds her in place.
“Seriously, Rox. You do. There ain’t nothin’ wrong with you or what you want. Got me?”
Eggsy can be a scatterbrained idiot. He’s obsessed with his boyfriend and easily distracted, not to mention he messes up missions thanks to his overly sensitive morals. Sometimes, she wants to scream at him until he’s as hardened as the rest of the agents.
But in situations like this, he’s perfect. She knows he’s the best friend she could ask for. He takes care of her and she takes care of him. It’s the healthiest friendship she’s ever had.
She smiles. “Yeah. I got you. Thank you.”
“Anytime. C’mon, I gotta pick up more lube on the way home. You left your outfit for tonight at my place, yeah? So we can just head there?”
“Got it in one. You’re just getting generic, right? Your strawberry flavor is only at the place on the last tube stop and I won’t have enough time to do my makeup if we’re stopping there.”
