he was twelve! twelve!
he was twelve and he found her and he remembers her, beautiful and sad and hurt, with only one way out.
he was seventeen and alone, trying to find a way out, taking the weight, taking the hits, smoking alone and shaking the hands of other boys who are not alone.
he was eighteen and being auctioned off to whatever team would take him across the world, that's his chance, that's freedom, that's obedience, that's speak english better, that's learn faster, that's prove your body is worth our money, and he was putting a bottle to his lips, he was pushing a bottle to a boy's lips and pushing more and that's the way isn't it.
he was nineteen and that's speak english better, that's break records to prove you work at all, they're pinning all the hopes and dreams of a rabid franchise on his shoulders and still he he's cocky, is he not grateful, is he a good son, he is so wanted and so glorious when the boy knows more, wants more too, and still! still he grows quiet and small in the company of home, ever less, ever a child.
he's twenty and he is making it and that is not enough, he is not giving enough, where is his heart, where is are his hands, where is his work ethic, second round finals and it's not enough, he is beautiful and chasing want and bruised and not sad, never sad. twenty thousand and it's not enough, two months duty paid and it's not enough.
he's twenty-one and he's got his own place now, he's roz, he's an agitator, he's going to make it, he's making records, he's making more and more, he's learning more and more english words, he's winning more and more, he's jumping back from the edge. he's not sending enough money, he is lazy, he needs obedience, he's leaving his family alone, he is tethered now, he is staying inside a boy who won't stop kissing him now, will he ever be alone now.
he's twenty-two and they are giving him the C, they are keeping him with a fancy new contract, more money, more praise, more hoops, six more months without a boy that swallows him like the sea, more public face, more for russia, more money, more penance, more obedience, more work, more shame, more, more more more ilyusha, more, more for mama. give more. win more. and he does.
twenty-three, have you found it, have you found the way out? is there more than more?
twenty-four, do you want more, ilyusha? do you want the boy? will you hold another bottle of another parent? will you give more?
twenty-five and can you get out, can you get out through the body of the father? he was never there. he never wanted to be there. he only wanted to be there. he wanted a brother and now he has thirty minus one, and he never wanted this but he knows why. this is out. can you get out this way, ilyusha? can you get out through the body of the boy? can you get out through love? he was twelve he says, for the first time. how old was she? he was twelve and she was so beautiful and so sad and his dad was so hard on her. so she took more and more. and the boy holds him in the horizon.
he's twenty six and he will give more, he will sign it all away and start again with nothing to give even more, because it's the way the boy asked. we can be together. another move. another alone, to not be alone. and is it out, ilyusha? is it a dark room on tuesday in november? are you not alone? are always twelve? how beautiful and sad and hurt will you be? how old will you be? will you be older than she ever was? how much more can you give? how much more can you live?
