#sad lately

[dearaimee]

I hope the baby doesn't remember me like this. I find myself in a state of despair at least once a day. Not crying, just numb and constantly frowning. I'm not good at mothering and it weighs on me, I know I'm going to mess her up in the long run. Either me or the condition of the country. We want to leave but I need to have a support system when it comes to the baby, not just hayes who is amazing, but I would really unravel if we were raising a kid alone abroad, and my parents would feel the same when it comes to my brother post-stroke. Hayes hates the company that took over his job and he is ready for any type of change. In other thoughts running through my brain, I'm up for reelection this year in registering people to vote and I can't bring myself to see the point anymore. The only thing keeping me doing it is so an election-denier conspiracy theorist doesn't take over my position. And then there's my two dogs. Cody, the tripod keeps attacking Nory. I dont know why, they've been a bonded pair since 2019. She's old and going blind but I don't know where the anger is coming from, ugh.

I want to post more on here. I want to take photos and talk about the every day little details but my body refuses. I've been on this site for 17 years on the 19th of this month, I can't stop now.

My doctors appointment isn't until the end of March but I'm counting down the days until medication gets brought into my life. In the mean time I don't know what I'd be like if I didn't get outside for a walk in the woods or an ice skate on the pond every day...

[lemonnbug]

*crying sobbing wailing* can someone just take me to see a train pls

[wallflowerglitter]

Sometimes I ask a lot of a hot beverage.

[cloudswamp]

i think, at my core, i am forever seeking The Connection: that perfect human–shaped constellation of mathematical axis overlapping one another,— questions expressing themselves with exquisite symbols, lines upon lines, a cascade of letters like a sudden downpour of rain during a blister of a summer day, thousands upon thousands of piercing wet drops which shock your humid body awake but it stirs your heart as well, “this feels so good, i do not mind the damp clothes and smeared make-up and tangled hair,”– something that bursts upon your senses in a nearly offensive but ultimately endearing way, an infinite spread of small sensations which alert your nerves at different points upon your body. a way of meeting someone else which ignites all of that: a piercing the heart that instigates an anxious flood of metaphors and lingering fantasies, moving you to write endlessly, filling pages with observations drawn out so that every minute interaction becomes a holy moment, drenched in hidden symbols and furious swells of beauty. i want to hold a heart inside my palms and whisper to it, morning and night, day after day. hymns borne from the promise of touch alone. hymns borne from the promise of devotion.

[rotten-dough-rodeo]

Should I make a muse list

[shadowscythc-a]

.

[long-punk]

Guys i'm so in love with the stars. I'm in love with space. I'm in love with Wonder and excitement. I'm in love with the promise that my future holds. I'm in love with a lot of things, it doesn't have to be a person. Sometimes you're just in love with life and that's okay.

[nowandforeverunstoppable]

Sometimes I feel like such a failure. I had to take a break from college, I’m overweight cause my body is seriously fucked up and no one can figure out why, and I can’t get a job. I’m not doing anything of value in life and it sucks. A lot.