can I have a cool pot of silver needles, with some salted peanuts? uh, diluc! is that the right way to order?
Aaa ty for your kind words! A cool pot of silver needles for Diluc with salted peanuts coming up, m’liege! And yes, you did amazing dw <3 /p We look forward to your next visit!
SAGAO Work 32, Crack, heavily-memed
Prompt: “I have my powers AND I’M NOT AFRAID OF USING IT-“
Kaeya and Diluc’s rivalry turning into memes. May have accidentally veered to both Kaeya and Diluc, because for me, Diluc is too genuinely serious to make crack about independently. Oh well~
“My grace, I’m sure that you’d rather have the company of someone that knows what the Soup store is. Unlike him, that is.”
That’s the last straw that broke the camel’s back.
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU WENT TO THE SOUP STORE?! WE’RE LOOKING FOR CLOTHING FOR OUR GRACE!” The redhead yelled back, rushing out from the kitchen.
“Was I wrong, though?” Kaeya snarked back. “Were you able to find me at the Soup store then?”
“No! Who in Barbatos’s name would buy clothes at a soup store?!”
“I was at the Soup store buying clothes for our grace!”
“You’re just made that up? Didn’t you? So you could act like I didn’t want to pay for their clothes!”
“Shush.” The two kept arguing and didn’t even hear you properly the first time. They’re starting to get on your nerves. First, it’s Gorou and Diona trying to make you pick a side before reconciling, and now, these two.
“SILENCE .” Seeing that they froze, you relish in the temporary serenity. “Good. Sit down.” You point at the sofa right next to where you three are standing. Hm. There don’t seem to be a way for all three of you to sit. Seeing that they’re hesitating, you sit down between the two small seats and widen your legs. “Then sit here.”
“My grace-“ “You didn’t want to sit on the sofa, yes? Then sit on my laps.“ With a light tug, they both comply in speechlessness.
Once the two of them sit down, you make them take turns stating their cases. Since you are essentially holding them in your arms, your aura has a more significant impact. Granted, it has already stabilised them from shouting, but now they relax at your touch.
“…then I told him to go find us at the Soup Store.” You notice Kaeya side-eying Diluc, so you hug him less tightly, nodding at Diluc to continue as Kaeya stares in disbelief.
“My grace, there isn’t a store that would sell both soup and your ceremonial garments! I couldn’t find him because it doesn’t exist!” You do the same to Diluc once he raises his voice.
“Don’t you two start acting like I’m the bad one! I’m still letting you two sit on me. Better stop before I yeet you two. Look! Klee is looking at you two arguing.” You point to the teapot’s corridor, where a flash of red immediately scampers away. She’s picked up Diona’s habit, and now she moves as quick as her Dodoco explosions.
Seeing that the brothers were about to pull Klee into their mess, you narrow your eyes, and your initial amusement leaves you temporarily. “Don’t try me. I have my powers, AND I’M NOT AFRAID TO USE IT-“
Your palms pulse with electro energy as your irritation rises. You almost felt like laughing when Kaeya freezes like a cat caught red-handed, and Diluc’s hair is suitably poofy along with attentive dilated pupils.
They had leapt away from your lap, sensing your warning. While they do so, standing in opposition to each other, they’ve instinctively formed the triangle spider-man meme as you point your palms at both of them. Once they’ve realised that they’re pointing their powers at their beloved God, they immediately apologise and reposition their hands to point at each other.
Unable to stifle the laughter that’s been brewing from their horrified faces, you let out a giggle and “pfft-“, hands covering your face as your legs nearly give out. “I was-“ you choke up from the laughter as they quickly rush over to carry you with panic that they’ve provoked your health. “I was joking as a warning ahaha- YOU TWO WERE LITERALLY DOING THE MEME I CAN’T-“
While confused, the redhead nods in temporary mutual agreement to the blueberry and carry your seized-by-giggles body to Jean’s healing office in confusion.
Since Klee saw everything, she’s snuck to Jean to tell her the funny incidents. At the same time, Diona’s been tugging Gorou to be Lisa’s little Cutie Informants™️. Jean was still genuinely concerned, bless her, and it took both Lisa, Eula and Amber to convince the three that you’re okay, just overjoyed that they’ve unintentionally acted out two of your favourite memes.
This is how Teyvat’s children are taught the memes you’ve mentioned, even if it’s just a lighthearted reference. They will beg for your meme knowledge and pass their legends down to their youth to appease your radiant and wise self.
Most of us know in the SAGAO Imposter sub-AU, the imposter is essentially a near-perfect fake.
Now, what if the Imposter was even better than a perfect replica in the first place?
If you are familiar with the SCP Universe, you might have heard of SCP-056. This anomaly can essentially become an advanced, improved version of the subject it’s replicating in terms of physical attractiveness, charm, strength, precision, et cetera.
In most Imposter!AU works, the imposter has the advantage of knowing most things about us, the true God!Reader, in advance. If the imposter is a kin of SCP-056, they will be able to perfect their personality other than true instant physical superiority, and be the Ultimate Imposter. The only weakness it would have is their inner insecurities. If it aims to be an exact replica other than having stronger powers, it can easily fit the loosely-based description of the actual God!Reader, and by the time the reader has arrived/returned, they are seen as the imposter and chased away instead. The true God!Reader will also not be able to fight the imposter, even putting aside the power imbalance, since we are relatively new to the ordeals and environment. They have every backup and advantage over the true God!Reader, if you don’t count the uncontrollable sentient spirit of Teyvat.
On the mental side, it would be even more devastating and dangerous if the reader already has an inferiority complex. The SCP itself preys on that natural mentality, so if the issues are already prominently underlying, it could make the manipulation even easier. It could possibly result in more than the reader’s safety being in danger. Fortunately, the spirit of Teyvat should be able to intervene and aid us in time.
I may have been showing the morale-boosting/fluffier parts, but I think it’s time to show you the alternative. Of how you could have suffered in another direction, both physically and mentally, because of your unhealthy cult following.
They were extremely abusive to you, to someone who’s mistaken as an imposter of their wonderful Creator.
All the characters were aiming to kill you, before the Archons decreed to capture you alive, for public humiliation and mutilation. Not only the ones you raised as companion, but also the non-playable characters. Only a few had clear enough minds, to consider that you might be innocent as you say. Not that they’d have the political or physical power to save you.
Consider this: you were already bloody, all bruised over, and nearly crippled from the shock. Of the betrayal. Some pretended to be your ally, just to turn you in. You barely escaped with your life intact. Through your overseeing abilities, you can see your remaining hp corroding. You have but last few drops of life force in you.
It’s lucky that the world of Teyvat is responding to you, offering temporary solaces from the bosses and hilichurls. They attempt to heal you, and feed you. You didn’t expect the non-humanoid creatures to care that much, and you reconsider your (perhaps misplaced) loyalty to the playable characters.
Yes, you’re benevolent in nature, but the human civilisations of Teyvat has only been taking more and more from you, desiring to harm you as much as you try to lead/protect them in the past. You have never had to sustain your lifeforce by sheer will and support from other old ‘enemies’. Nor had you expected the human authorities to hurt you with your resources.
The gashes might heal, but not your mind. Not that swift, unfortunately. You got captured and tortured for way more times than you could on your own. The hilichurls had done everything in their power to fight and distract the military for your escape. The elemental spirits heal you and give you ‘hugs’. They fight when you have fallen and near losing consciousness.
The mental scars cut deeper than you’d imagine coming from your ‘friends’. Every waking hour covers you in a suffocating canopy of nightmares. Flashbacks of them using mechanical devices and elemental visions to burn you. Sear your skin, stab you, make you pay for not being who they have been waiting for. Their attempts to break into your psyche. Their eagerness to ‘make an example’ out of you for their Lord. To make you suffer so much, that your already mentally unstabilised mind is chasing after suicide. Death. A merciful release is what you mistook death as. You were desperate.
Even if you get to return to complete safety, you would have severe insomnia, ptsd, selective amnesia, trust issues, and tons of scars (inside and outside) to tend to. Much less having to muster up the courage to not be hateful, not to misuse your powers to wreak holy distraction on those who hath wronged You. To be hopeful and guide them back on the ‘righteous’ path. You’re tempted to do the opposite. To kill the world itself by removing you, the world’s stabiliser, from the equation.
But you have to survive, carry on, for the hilichurls and elemental powers that sacrificed more than they could to save you. To live in their stead.
At last, your well-intentions saved Teyvat, but all the damage and weight is crushed onto your frail body. You feel hollow even if they repent and tend to your flinching shell. They ask for you to control, possess their vessels for your warmth, while they chill your heart.
No one said being a god/goddess was good for the deity themselves. Not for you. But for the undeserving. Those who hurt you. Scarred you.
You can only hope to one day, be able to control your cult as to limit their assaults to the creatures who extended a helping hand to you, at your pleading moments. To rein their yandere-characterised destruction in, to suffer in place of the innocents.
You live the nightmare, waking or unconscious, so the others can sleep at ease. You exist to protect and love. To forgive, as exhausting it is to your drying-up, once-generous fountain of kindness.
Your favourite character(s) somewhat shield you from the other cult members. Sometimes, when they could anyway.
Pretext from other creators:
The cult members, unbeknownst to you, had been working together for a long time, and they had finally succeeded in bringing you to their world. Once they had calmed down and misunderstandings are cleared, they start to make you uncomfy with their yandere traits.
My part:
Your main, on the other hand, feels a lot more connected to you, and their empathy shines through while you’re panicking. Once they’ve snapped themselves out of their reverie, they’ll absolutely attempt to shield you from the other cult members’ advances while they are around you.
As the character you play as the most, the attachment and friendship you had developed with them strengthens their determination to serve you by protecting you. They can sense your discomfort around the others more easily, seeing that it’s not the first time they’ve felt your exact emotions. Afterall, they could do the most accurate channeling of emotions amongst other characters, with heightened compatibility through training; so your ticks or small social cues get picked up by them and them only.
You trust and lean into your favourite main as you stay in Teyvat for the moment, and soon grow even more attached. They train you into your best physical state with your main team. They listen to you more genuinely when you mention what yandere behaviours discomfort you. They start to change, perhaps subconsciously, and you feel safer around them. Eventually, they are able to at the very least, rein the others in as a fellow cult member (physically first, mentally second.)
It’s not to say that having powerful yanderes obsessed with you is appropriate, but your team makes it a tad bit more bearable. Turns out your intuition on favouring certain characters has been accurate, and helpful enough to give you irl aid in choosing trusted members.
They aren’t clothed, and your vision is proven by Baishi’s short-lived initiation of commotion. Baixiao immediately clamps Baishi’s mouth shut. It doesn’t help that Baishi has the tendency to be a creepy admirer, and the Jade Chamber humanoid is drenched in water. You would have been admiring their aesthetics, if you hadn’t been more concerned about protecting them from the naked gazes.
“Baiwen, fetch me some spare robes, would you?”While Keqing is covering her eyes and letting out a distressed “E”, Ningguang has already beckoned for her attendant to retrieve spare robes for the apparently naked person.
“Ah. It seems that I should have manifested coverage…” You faintly hear them mutter lightly, as your arms wrap them with your outer ceremonial robe.
(A/N: Let me know if you’d like this to be a continuous series~)
You attempt to discipline your cult with various methods. “A very peculiar experience.” Albedo notes. (Gen z humour and vine references are included ehe.)
“RiSe AnD sHiNe, my lieges!” You stroll out to the front of your residence, and shout with a megaphone. You were lucky enough to have learnt a bit of craftsmanship recently, and you stayed up to make the device, with the scraps of ascension materials which your cult members had left behind. Now that you live together, you expect disciplined ‘disciples’. If you’re gonna have a cult, it’s gonna be a girlboss cult. If you have to hear Kaeya say you’re slacking off again, you’ll be snapping off a head soon. Figuratively. Maybe.
‘I sure hope they relish in my mercy now, before the sweetness passes. Some of them couldn’t even pick up their leftovers.’ you think.
The more sensible adults came as quickly as they could. As appreciation for their eagerness to do as you decree, you produce in-game skins, as in costumes, to change them from their pajamas/half-changed attires into. You revel in their surprise, and hope it’s pleasant for them.
“Good morning, Jean, Diluc, Ningguang, Zhongli. Albedo, Amber. Could you please get the rest of them? I’d rather see how wiling you all ’d be to obey me, rather than using my powers. Thank you.”
You smile warmly. As soon as they’ve fully processed what you’d asked of them (with their waking-up brains), they went back inside immediately.
While most of them respond with solemn responses, Amber returns the warmness with an enthusiastic “Yes ma’am/sir/lord!”.
The kids followed them out soon. The four kids (who were living with the rest of the members because they need caretakers) had decided to be good, so you might let them have extra treats afterwards. Also because you have been a nice elder sibling of sorts to them, albeit also being omnipotent. You let them sit nearby. As for Noelle and her peers, they were frantically dressing in their normal clothing. At least they’re trying!
The rest of them were either ignoring you, or legitimately fast asleep. Annoyed, you shout again. This time with the strength and with the annoyance you have had as someone who has been working with unruly bastards. Perhaps you’d been too lenient.
Once the team have wrung all of them away from their bedsheets, you decide to make them stand in the ‘military formation’, whatever that is. You’re not sure if your memory is rusty. It’s been a while. You finally announce your ‘evil plot’.
“Dearly detested mothertruckers, wakey wakey, it’s time fo skool!” You said in a semi-mocking tone as you look at the less obedient ones. You’d be lying if you said you weren’t pissed about the disrespect, especially after you’ve been super nice to them for the whole week. Heck, you started to make their breakfasts in the early mornings. Not today though. Time for retribution.
“You have 15 seconds to arrange yourselves in proper lines and formation in a rectangle. I ain’t got no sleep because of y’all, and if you don’t cooperate, y’all ain’t gon’ get no sleep because of me! Go!”
Kaeya, clearly messing with you, stubbornly stood there. “What are you going to do, Lord y/n?” He teased.
‘Icebridge dude’s getting cocky from his customised breakfast from yesterday.’ You caught on. ‘I’d make him go to Inazuma on a depressed Italian pizza instead of a boat if I could.’
You notice Zhongli about to get his spear out, and silently shook your head to him. He retreats his hand. Best geo archon indeed. You turn your gaze back to the peacock personified. He looks exactly like the smug blue parrot from Rio.
“Kaeya. I can control everything in this world, including your fellow cult members. If you don’t want to catch their hands,” ‘or deez nuts-’ “do as I say.” You glare at Kaeya. Before Kaeya can rebuke, Rosaria kicks him and he shuts up. For the moment anyway. You continue your speech.
“I’ll give you all 20 more seconds, in return for revoking Kaeya’s handmade breakfast privileges and afternoon sleep privileges for the week.” Kaeya suddenly falls to his knees, to everyone else’s surprise. ‘Oh? Are you falling for me?’ You know it’s not, and you know the exact reasons. Primarily from your adjustion of his in-game gravity. Partly because he has to mine and skip the resting time. ‘Good’, you muse. This isn’t the first time they’ve seen your powers, and it won’t be the last either.
“Since you have decided to creep me out with your recent stalking, unconsented pounces and lack of respecting boundaries, all of you have to choose one of these tasks to complete, after standing for 10 minutes. Popsicles and water/enslaved moisture are allowed, but no more. On to the tasks.
One, write fan fictions of yourselves. You have to do presentations like how I had to, when you all went crazy and tried to beat the living spirit out of me, when I first arrived. Yes I hold grudges because you haven’t completed your redemption arc properly yet.” You shoot a death stare at Raiden Shogun. The electro archon electrocuted you the hardest. “Xingqiu should understand what I mean. Ask Kokomi or Albedo if you have to. I will bonk you with Itto’s club if I have to.
Two, mine every ore nearby, and shout out the song I’ve taught Venti two days ago, as you mine. The almighty rickroll. Or you could wear a maid dress instead as you mine. No hiding under cloaks like Diluc’s. You will be mining with swords instead of claymores.
Third, apologise, to each other, to me, to the kids. Promise to never do anything without proper consent, unless you’re going to the bathroom. Swear on my name to follow my rules. If you fail, you’ll have to memorise all the trauma/lore I had to go through because of you all. You’ll have to recite it and identify the correct memes I will have shown you as I check your work. One mistake and you’ll have to fight a boss.
Every time I catch you do creepy stuff onwards, you’ll have to fight Dvalin, Andrius, and me at 10% power within 5 hours. You’re all getting passes this time because I still have silvers of hope for you all. Do you understand?”
You don’t wait for their replies because the kids are hungry and you’re gonna bringing them to have breakfast. It’s good that you let them go back to sleep just before making the adults responsible. If the punished have death wishes, they could come and challenge you. Your powers as their god/goddess has been fully rushed back within these few weeks, and you have no tolerance left. They will repent to their lord if they wish to be in your presence. Anyways, you should go get fresh a va ca dò s, croissants and other food items. As well as the snacks you mentally took notes to promise the kids with.
You decide that the first few more obedient ones get to slack off a bit in their tasks. Just because you feel bad. You’ll tell them in private later.
Tw: Slight gore but not much, since it’s our platonic bae @weakestpoint who’s gonna write the hardcore gore ehe~ New AU let’s goooo~ Characters: Morax, Barbatos, Raiden Shogun, Zhongli, Venti, Ei
“Please, you guys are so uninventive! That’s a boring execution. Such despair.” You swing your legs on the high roof ledges of the Shogun’s mansion and shout below.
“Wha-“ the massive following of cultists look up as they flinch from the all-too-familiar voice.
Hadn’t they cut off your tongue already? No, you should be dead, you are finished, and their eyes were witnessing the mangled corpse they were beating the shit out of. Then where and who was the voice coming from?
As they crane their necks looking up to no avail of locating you, you leapt down.
You have unlimited spare bodies to use anyway. You picked the right body data plan, after all. That was expensive, so it’d better be worth it.
You accessed your anemo power to lessen the fall damage and stood right on top of ‘your’ dead body. “Hi!” You grinned.
The crowd cowardly shrunk away, as usual, some crouching down, kneeling, and some of the foolish ones were pointing their weaponry towards you.
One of them shot their arrow straight to your head. ‘You’ died again, and the crowd released their held breaths.
“Hoorah! Am I right?” You chortled like Santa Clause in the Evil AU. You reappeared on the rooftop, but then decided to teleport again.
This time, you teleported right to face the back of the one who ‘killed you’.
“Well. That was rude.”
You put one of your ghostly cold hands on his shoulder and whispered breathily, like a howling wind spirit, into his ear. He fainted, and so did some of the crowd.
✨Pathetique✨. They could’ve been more aesthetically-pleasing with passing out. Hmph. The disrespect.
You dislocated both of the offender’s wrists, feeling somewhat merciful from your almost giddy mood. They were like a babble of clowns that amused you.
The asshats apparently didn’t learn anything, because Baal immediately started pulling out her booba sword. You turned to her and unequipped her weapons, including her sister’s sword. “Step the eff up, Raiden.” You said, mocking her (in the same way Kyle was mocked in the legendary vine).
Baal was left stunned as she sees herself no longer holding a weapon. You also snatched all of the Archons’ weapons, talent books, artefacts, everything. Maybe you would loot the other vision-bearing acolytes later.
Equipping yourself with those times, you visibly noticed your attributes/stats go up.
“Ei. I’m confiscating your Dango desserts and milk bottles.” Doot doot. You yoinked it and noticed Raiden’s puppet façade fade away, in place for the true Ei herself.
“🥺”
“I don’t speak in bottom. (Not today. I would but I’m kind of pissed, you know?)” You then switched from the valley girl accent to a booming Chad accent. “Speak up, Raisin Ei.”
“😭” Again, she attempted to guilt-trip you as she did to your first body. That was not very fetch of her.
“Nawww girlie, you killed me. I’m not amused right now. Hand over your vision.” You continued to speak in a very ‘manly’ way.
“I… don’t have a vision?” She attempted to fool you with her cat-like eyes and submission.
“You very much know what I mean. Your gnosis and the visions you haven’t returned yet. GIB ME VEE SHIOUN.” You deadpanned in a serious voice. You changed your tone to sound like a disgruntled history teacher.
You noticed Sara flying above, aiming an arrow at you. Ah, the crow-like general.
“I SAID, BE CREATIVE-“ you teleported Sara next to you and promptly disabled her wings with a snap of your fingertips.
“Huh-? My wings-“ You flicked your wrist idly. “Honey, you’re lucky I just locked them inside your body. They’re still here.” Before she could fully let out a sigh, you continue. “For now!” You loved how surprised and horrified she looked. It was almost worth the times your other bodies suffered, from her carrying out Baal’s orders.
“Y’all- I’m mad just because you guys didn’t even bother to kill me in a fun way. I’m disappointed. I’ve seen better in other worlds.” You’re straight up lying about only being mad for that reason, but that’ll make things more fun.
You sighed in the iconic drama kid font and twirl around to face Ei.
“Raisin. Gib me veeshion. Nawr.”
Zhongli took the opportunity to lunge at you with a spare shard of glass, this time aimed at your heart. You knew before he struck, but you mock-gasped instead of ducking from the attack.
“The betrayal! But the clapping of your booty cheeks had alerted me already. Such a shame.” ‘You’ died dramatically again.
They heaved as ‘you’ finally died, ‘your’ eyes fading out of focus. You’d feel bad for the cheering crowd if you weren’t slightly iritated.
“Oh dear, it’s getting boring~” you whistled. Your unlimited body package deal worked like a charm. It kind of is one, but it’s ingrained into your soul. You’re now reformed and standing on top of Zhongli’s head.
It was almost fun feeling him tense up under you, his fists visibly clenched like the Arthur meme. His geo colour scheme would’ve worked if his sleeve was yellowish. Pity.
The crowd felt invisible and that’s because they’ve been giving you unsurprising reactions. They’re starting to bore you.
“What the fu-“ Eh, classic Venti. You revelled in your twisted sense of humour, as you gazed at his dropped jaw.
“No, not the archon with the Wendy-ass haircut swearing at me.” He opened his mouth but you reached out with your electro powers to buzz his lips and hold them shut.
“SHUT. No. That’s an off-topic question. Permission denied. NEXT.”
You floated up and formed a skyscraping geo structure stronger than any of Zhongli’s attacks. You stood there menacingly, t-posing. Zhongli was tall, but not enough for you to see the whole scene with a bird-eye view.
‘It’s over, Anakin. I have the high ground. You underestimate my power.’ You think to yourself.
You continued your ‘speech’.
“Raisin. Visions now. Ven-tea, your apples. Shlong-li, your osmanthus wine. If I have to hear you wax about your wine again, I will bonk you in the face with Guizhong’s lock.” You paused as they attempted to absorb the absurd events that happened. Zhongli almost looked traumatised, as if he didn’t abuse your other selves. Your compassion had been going on a hiatus and it won’t be coming back anytime soon. Reasonably so. It didn’t help that the other times you tried to care resulted in your untimely demises.
“Oh, and kill me in creative mode this time!” You gave them encouraging thumbs-ups, reminiscent of a parent encouraging their toddler. You clapped mockingly when they finally managed to step forward under the increasing pressure of your now negative aura. “Good job! Don’t trip, little ones!” You sat on the geo tower and watch in amusement. If they could prove themselves to be fun enough, maybe you would let them try out new killing ideas on your body, before you ‘return the favour’.
You hope they would invent new death methods in your honour. Ehe~
A/N: not sure about this but ayo I hope y’all enjoyed it ehe~
