shout-out to @thecomfortofoldstorries for tossing ideas back and forth with me until this came out.
tw: yeah it’s pretty horny fam
idea based on this incredibly hot statue of Lucifer:
---
“Well that’s certainly an unusually sexy carving of the Devil, now isn’t it?” Jaskier laughed. The museum director, a severe woman only a few years older than him, nodded and gave a small smile. Her name tag read Museum Director: Yennefer V.
“This statue is part of our special Angels and Demons collection. He’s a permanent fixture of our establishment and not a piece on loan, so please make sure to bring the tours through here as often as possible,” she instructed. Jaskier jotted that detail down onto his notepad. “Lucifer is a favorite of ours and I’m sure you’ll see a handful of our younger, female interns swooning over him at any given time. Now, moving on this way.”
The newly hired curator for the statuary portion of the museum followed Yennefer into the next room. but his mind stayed stuck on the mussed stone curls and the manacled marble ankle of the handsome Lucifer. He seemed almost too lifelike to be made of stone.
Almost, Jaskier thought, jotting down more notes as Yennefer droned on about maintenance schedules and alarm systems, but not quite.
---
“Fuck!” Jaskier cried as he tripped. He fell sideways, slamming into the rope barrier of the Lucifer statue and catching his hand on the sharp edge of one golden clasp. A line of bright red bloomed across the back of his knuckle and he shook his hand on instinct to ease the pain. A few drops of blood flew off; one landed directly on the base of Lucifer’s pedestal. Jaskier licked the wound clean and grumbled, “Oh, shit. I have to clean that up.”
The curator turned to look for a towel or a dust rag or something that could be used to wipe up his little biohazardous mistake and took a few steps away from Lucifer. When he finally located a paper towel and turned to wipe the smear away he nearly passed out.
Sitting where the statue had been only moments before was a living human person. Well...not human. Not if the two enormous, black leathery wings fluttering gently behind this stranger were real anyway.
“What the fuck?” he breathed incredulously. “Is this a prank? Am I being punked?”
The statue-person had long white hair that fell in gentle waves to the tops of his shoulders. He had the gold crown and wooden scepter still clutched in his hand and his ankle, now flesh instead of marble, was attached to the base of the statue by a strong steel manacle. The statue-person shifted and the chain jingled quietly, breaking the otherwise fraught silence.
The statue glanced up and cocked its head to the side. “Where-?”
“Uhm...yes, uh. Hello there, Mr. Lucifer, Sir. I am uh...Jaskier. I’m the night curator at the museum. I’m working on classifying some ancient Roman statuary and organizing an exhibit in a few months. Hello,” the nervous young doctor bowed. “My apologies for the uh...accommodations.”
“You bled for me?” Lucifer blinked owlishly.
“Unintentionally, yes. Oh god, am I going to hell? Am I going to go to hell now because I bled on the weirdly sensual statue of Satan at work!?” Jaskier was close to hyperventilating. The statue-person was watching him with curious yellow eyes. His pupils were slit like a cat’s. “Please tell me I’m not going to hell.”
“Geralt.”
“Wh-What?”
“I’m not Lucifer,” the statue reiterated. “I’m Geralt.”
“Oh. Well they’ve been selling you back and forth between churches for years thinking you were just an incredibly delicious-looking statue of Satan,” Jaskier rambled. His eyes widened and he clapped his hands over his mouth when he realized what he’d said. Geralt, as he was apparently called, was smirking from atop his pedestal.
“I can smell you from here,” the demon (was he a demon?) stated. “No use trying to hide it. I can tell that you’re attracted to me.”
“Well yes. You’re very...attractive,” the curator muttered lamely. There was no excuse; this was a fever dream, anyway.
“Thank you.”
“Mhm. Well, I’m clearly on drugs or lying in a pool of my own blood hallucinating my mortal end because this cannot be happening for real.”
“Well believe me, Jaskier,” Geralt practically purred from his seat across the room. “It is definitely happening. It is definitely real.”
“No. No, thank you.”
“Come here,” the demon ordered, flicking a few of his fingers in a come hither movement. Jaskier crossed the floor against his own will to stand before the mostly naked and very muscular previously-stone man. “Touch me.”
Jaskier’s hand went straight for his pectoral. The statue smirked again, more confidently this time, and placed his warm hand over the panicking curator’s.
“Calm down, little human. You’re going to pass out if you keep breathing that fast.”
“I- but this- but you can’t-”
Jaskier’s eyes rolled back into his head and he dropped to the floor, still bleeding lightly from his hand. Geralt sighed and rearranged his clothes a little to make them sit more comfortably against his skin. The sun would be rising soon and he would return to carved marble as the curse demanded. Hopefully the clumsy mortal boy would spill his blood here again so they could talk some more; Jaskier was as interesting as he was a danger to himself.
The demon, for that is exactly what he was, allowed himself to observe the human as he lay, prone and stupid, on the floor before him. His face was peaceful and soft. Cute, the demon decided. He looks innocent and sweet and positively cute.
He focused hard and tried his best to slip his way into Jaskier’s dreams.
I got in an argument with someone about the confederate monuments getting taken down because he was saying you shouldn't be able to take the confederate monuments down but Satanists shouldn't be allowed to have a Satan statue even though we have freedom of religion.
The argument went on for a GOOD WHILE and he is extremely uneducated (literally uneducated), but thinks he's smarter than everyone. And the whole time I'm destroying his argument with facts and he keeps repeating himself in different ways because he doesn't use facts ever.
Well in the middle of the argument he's telling me about how if we didn't have the Confederacy we wouldn't have the America we have today
AND THEN PROCEEDS TO TELL ME THAT THE CONSTITUTION AND RIGHTS DIDN'T EXIST UNTIL AFTER THE CIVIL WAR AND IF IT WEREN'T FOR THE CIVIL WAR WE WOULDN'T HAVE A CONSTITUTION
So my husband stepped in at that point (this was all on facebook btw) since this is a long time friend of his. And he straight up tells him that is the most stupid thing he as ever heard him say. And I'm just like
And then this mother fucker goes "well if you're so smart you tell ME what was put into place after the Civil War"
And we were both like...
THE GOD DAMN "Thirteenth, Fourteenth, and Fifteenth amendments to the United States Constitution, passed between 1865 and 1870, the five years immediately following the Civil War. This group of Amendments are sometimes referred to as the Civil War Amendments."
AND THE DUDE DELETED THE ENTIRE POST AFTER THAT
I don't care what your stance is on whether the Confederate monuments should be taken down or not, but I hope we can all unite and agree that we should all know the Constitution existed almost 100 years before the Civil War even started 😂😂😂
I just had to share this because it's too good not to tell!
8 Foot Tall Satanic "Baphomet" Statue Unveiled In Detroit
8 Foot Tall Satanic “Baphomet” Statue Unveiled In Detroit
A little before midnight on Saturday, a crowd of around 700 gathered in an old industrial warehouse a few blocks from the Detroit River for what they’d been told was the “largest public satanic ceremony in history.” Most of them professed to be adherents of Satanism, that loosely organized squad of the occult that defines itself as a religious group. Others came simply because they were curious.…
Can I talk about how much I love Satanists?!? Like they claimed they had the right to have a religious statue on government property if Christians had that same right and made the most ridiculously awesome statue of Satan with children on his lap. They did the same with Christians passing out religious literature in public schools, passing out satanist coloring books. And now they're pulling a reverse Hobby Lobby saying they require religious exemption from abortion laws saying their religion values bodily autonomy and scientific accuracy and laws like "informed consent" which requires people seeking an abortion to get a slew of wrong facts about abortion before the procedure violate it. Satanists: trolling America where state and church meet - and it's fucking glorious!
The Blackest of Fridays, which somehow spilled into Thursdays! Deals too good to be true!
Whenever I saw the devil room in the original Binding of Isaac game, it always looked like the Satan statue was wearing baggy pants or a cloth, so I rendered it in that manner.
