《Mental growth》✨🧩🧠
- I feel like this deserved a separate post and it adds onto the previous one I made btw -
Therapy was semi rough and I held back alot of tears 😔 but it was very needed for the most part we did touch on body image issues and connecting the dots but theres a few things I wanted to highlight.
- discussing tokophobia - my therapist understood my fears and why I may feel resentful about my childhood being taken away from me still. If my brother does have more children I will be happy for him from afar, I dont want to get attached to a child I may never see. I'm an aunt by proxy, I have no connection with his children at all but I stil love them ofc! It's all too much. I need to be freed from the guilt. Maybe that's why my mother relies on me to have children cus she'll be closer to mines? Welp keep on waiting. 😕
- interruption - yes mid session my stepdad wanted to teach me how to make noodles for my brother the way he liked it, I should've said I'm in meeting rn but next time..I usually get hard on myself whenever I feel like I don't stand up for myself "enough" the whole thing made me feel overstimulated, then asking me about jobs, suggesting I work at Burger King? Fuck you...I am tired of explaining my mental illnesses to people, I cant handle fast paced environments and social interactions daily. This is my life let me do what I want, I blocked it out and still stood firm on what I wanted to do.
- my mom never teaching me - this was related to the body dysmorphia topic, my mom never sat me down and taught me about my body at all, never comforted me getting my period for the first time, the most painful night of my damn life. My mother isnt that much of a talker but I wish she was a different person, yes I said it. I dont like a mom who lacks in communication, she has all the excuses in the book as to why she is this way but bullcrap whatever wisdom she spews out I will never listen to it because it's too late now I'm an adult and you already taught me with your actions.
After all this I got on the phone with my lovely grandmother 💜 I seriously dont know where I would be without her shes my only way out of this hellhole I call a (mind) she helps me feel validated in so many damn ways! >.< and understands me, I am so lucky to have her.
I so proud of myself for being strong this whole time, as a traumatized child I still crave for an escape sometimes I wanna be rescued by someone and never have to live here and get that happy ending but that's not real life...I have to wait but I just hope with time each day can get easier to manage.🥺
Heres some wisdom from my grandmom :
"There are going to be days in life when you'll have to cry, but remember cry and go on with your life never ever give up!"
"It doesn't matter if they dont understand, you will not be working there. This is your life only you understand. "
Always remember that!~♡
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