I have been eating/sleeping/breathing game design to prep for Red Salem and I thought it'd be a good exercise to post a
Mixtape Script Doctor
the biggest problem with the story is that there's no stakes, no motive, no conflict, and no character development. this is a saccharine rose-tinted vibes only mocktail trying so hard to romanticize youth it swings around to being totally alien and false
so, treatment numero uno, stacy needs to acknowledge her flaws and change, for better or for worse. (probably better, considering the game's tone). her friends should be annoyed by her mixtape monologuing, have their own opinions about what the song should be, and push back on her obsession with "the soundtrack she planned" while more serious shit it going on
stacy being callous about cassandra's dad isn't wrong, but just a few dialogue options could go a long way in making your relationship feel personal. are you more sympathetic or rebellious to her problem? this could effect cassandra's actions, attitude towards you, her father, and jenny
likewise with slater. in flashbacks, you could have the option to come on to slater, but it goes badly, adding depth to the player character that can be achieved by just a few lines from slater. or, if you go the other way, plays out like you rejected slater... classic teenage misunderstanding and anxiety. the stakes are still low—teen love, you're obviously still friends. but it'd add conflict and tension to the 3 hours of exposition we got...
Mixtape wants me to think being a teenager feels like flying, but being a teenager feels like ass! you have to grow up, you have to leave everything behind, your emotions are turned up to 11, and nobody takes you seriously. Sure there are moments of liberation and excitement, but those highs can't be felt without the lows
which brings me to Bella Deltone. it's established that the extremely pretentious and overly confident Stacy has chosen to "stalk" this woman for a chance at a career instead of going on a road trip her friends have been planning all year. for a minute, it seems like this may be the climax of the whole story. it isn't. it comes to nothing.
instead of trying to make a climax out of Cassandra's totally out of left field, random, uncalled for "standing up to her dad" for setting a house on fire—WHICH WOULDNT WORK—the friends could change a leg of their trip to incorporate stacy's new york pipedream... with or without Jenny Goodspeed, depending how much of an asshole you've made Stacy
Stacy experiencing the relatable emotional low of having your dreams crushed as a teen would naturally lead to a satisfying conclusion where she and her friends ride off into the sunset enjoying her music and not having to make it about how trying to join the industry is more important than your friends 🙄
it'd still need work because it's such a nothingburger, maybe taking advantage of the giant map they built and letting me walk around?? but it's a start
How I Would Write The Well If The BBC Trusted Me To Play With Their Toys
Immediately, I'd scrap the idea of a squadron team. It means too much competence and contingency, we know that these people are prepared or trained for dangerous situations. Have the Doctor & Belinda step out or crash into a mining pod or scavengers group who are trying to see if there's anything valuable on the surface of a long dead planet. Have it that the 'galvanic radiation' is mucking with the vindicator so they're stuck on the planet for an hour or so, so they join up.
Have it be a smaller team, about two or three people, all friendly and familiar with each other. Familiar crew, all making the best of what they can, travellers in the universe. They stumble across the mining operation and same setup, every body they find is dead, only by laser fire.
They find Aliss, same as the episode, having just attacked her friend, but her friend wasn't killed, just sealed in a freezer. Aliss shares 'only I have the code to open it, they don't want to risk soldiers stealing food'. Aliss shares that she had a gun, but couldn't shoot, unauthorised personnel, Doctor jokes that fridges are more useful anyway and traditional 'no guns' lil moment. There's no noise, and no footage, but sonic screwdriver says that life signs inside are steady.
Side note, I'd like to play off of Oxygen with the whole 'paying to breathe' thing, except it's paying to speak. Aliss has a pair of gloves that verbalise sign for her, but she has to pay to charge it. Doctor hacks it with Sonic Screwdriver of course, but it could be a real world parallel of how it's expensive to be disabled, how you have to pay to access the treatment and accessibility aids that permit an individual lifestyle.
Aliss says 'it came from the sky' and the Doctor is like 'what is it' and Aliss says 'a ghost'.
Immediate sort of Red Herring where Aliss shared that the commander of the base investigated the Well, standard mechanical/maintenance checks, and then all of a sudden went up to the highest point of the plant. When they went to get him he was speaking in tongues, like there were a hundred voices within him, all saying different things. Buy occasionally he would break through, with no collection of what 'the ghost' was saying. He tried to remove the safety field, which would expose them all to Galvanic Radiation' and was shot by second in command.
But then the second in command started being haunted, but not by the tongues, by the commander. It was his words, his mannerisms, even his language. This time they asked what the thing was and where it came from, and it responds 'Sky'.
Aliss shares that people panicked and destroyed each other. That she didn't want to hurt her friend but she was scared. And rescue missions are too expensive for one cook (future stage capitalism for the win). Doctor asks what species' were on board, Aliss rattles off about ten or so, none of them human, which Belinda and the Doctor thinks is odd.
Scavengers of course want to leave, offer to take Aliss, but the Doctor points out that she might be controlled by the ghost. The scavengers are all like 'don't be a dick' but the Doctor points out that the issue with two survivors is that you can't tell which survived the other. Have it be a moment where he's clearly apologetic, but he can't be certain. Have Aliss agree, make some joke about 'I'm a cook, I know how deadly a contagious infection can be.' Have her also say that she doesn't want to give up on her friend, that as long as there's life, there's hope. Immediately sets up that these are good people, all who live normal lives, but don't want to hurt people, even if it means saving themselves.
Classic Investigation of the environment, checking the well as per episode, finding footage of people murdering each other, Belinda horrified, Doctor says fear and desperation are the biggest causes of death in the universe. 'It makes you fight. Creeps into your head. And whispers.'
Aliss has a moment with the doctor where she says that she pulled the trigger. That the shot didn't fire, because she was unauthorised, but she's haunted by the fact that she chose to kill. 'Is that what I amount to? Murder?'. Doctor says that she didn't choose to kill her friend. She could have removed all the air from the freezer, or messed with the controls. 'You chose to fire, you were scared. But you didn't choose to kill'. Doctor also says 'it feels familiar' with Belinda saying 'more than a thousand years travelling the universe, everything should be familiar to you'.
Doctor shrugs it off, decides to go to the observation point where the commander was infected, tries to see any breaches in the ceiling. Scavengers offer for Aliss to join them when she despairs about what happens next, Belinda points that out to the Doctor. Tells him 'you're wrong. Because fear and desperation can do that, too. Travelling with you, I've never been more scared in my life. But I never thought I'd see something like that. Just listen.'
Something clicks, and the Doctor clearly freezes. Looks up and says 'Sky' and then says 'I've said that before.' Belinda's all like 'what?' and the Doctor goes 'what did I say, by the pit, by the well? I've said that before, when did I say that?' Flashback to Doctor going 'It makes you fight. Creeps into your head. And whispers' intercut with the same dialogue being said by the tenth Doctor during 'Midnight' while being possessed by the entity. Doctor has the same sort of breakdown as he does in the episode, asking Aliss 'what was the grey star, before, what was the old name of the planet' etc. Unravelling the mystery.
Running back down to the sealed fridge while he explains
Doctor: 'You asked her two questions, who she was and where she came from. She came from the Well, clawed her way up until she found warm meat and didn't stop climbing until she reached the observation deck and she realised she'd made it.'
Belinda: 'Then why did she say Sky?'
Doctor: 'Because that was Mrs Silvestry's name. And she remembers.'
Scavengers and Aliss clearly confused, and the Doctor brings up footage of the Captain 'speaking in tongues'. Isolates the voices and it's all from the episode 'Midnight', from the Doctor to Jethro to DeeDee, and cumulating with the Doctor saying 'all right Sky? Turn around'. They all turn around, and Aliss is there.
The Doctor: 'Is that what you amount to? Murder?'
Aliss: 'I said that.'
The Doctor: 'So did I. 400,000 years ago.'
Uncertainty whether Aliss is 'possessed' or not, as the Doctor admits it would be hard to tell. 'When we left, it was already close to a perfect copy. And it's had months to tear this base apart. It could be any of us.' Same monologue as the episode 'a different life, no face, no name, no self'.
Doctor: 'It tried to throw me out into the radiation of an Xtonic star once, I don't think it would think twice about trapping the last survivor in a freezer.'
Scavenger: "Would it think twice about murdering her? If it is the same entity, would it tell us everything?'
Doctor: 'That's the thing, I don't know who's talking. The scavenger who travels the universe, just to see what's been left behind? Or Mrs Silvestry, who dug her way out 400,000 years later, and murdered an entire base, just to stay warm.'
Belinda, sharp: 'Shut up.'
Doctor: 'Why. Because it sounds familiar?'
Belinda: 'Because you sound scared and desperate.'
Doctor, pausing, evaluating: 'You're not fighting. You're not... Screaming and turning on each other and trying to throw each other out to save yourself. Why?'
Aliss: 'I chose to kill someone to save myself. Not just someone, my friend. And she's alive, but I still made that choice. And I know that that's not something I can live with. I like to believe I'm better than that.'
Scavengers: 'You live like we do, travel like we do, you see the universe different. It can be scary, the people you meet on dead planets, the things you have to do. I'm sure you've seen a lot of scary things, Doctor, so have we. But we've never met something that gets better by behaving worse.'
Belinda: 'The Human Race is gone. If the world ends in 2025, that means, I'm the last of my kind. And I can't let them down.'
Doctor, after a long pause: 'Trust me?'
Belinda: '... Yes.'
Doctor: 'Still?'
Belinda: 'You don't sound scared anymore.'
Doctor opens the freezer, and the remaining survivor steps out, alive, and relieved to see Aliss. Aliss apologises, but the other (I'm calling her Mo) says it wasn't her fault. Says she woke up in the freezer, like a really tight helmet had been removed. Doctor says he felt the same way. Mo asks 'who are you' and the Doctor said 'if you really are Mo, I'm the only other person in the universe who has survived whatever destroyed this base.' Seals the freezer shut behind her and asks for everyone to listen.
Doctor says that is the entity is with them now, he's addressing it directly. Admits he's scared, that very little in the universe has scared him, but that day, he was scared. Lists the passengers of the flight, starting with Mrs Silvestry, and ending with the flight attendant (showing that he learned her name since then). 'We were all scared.'
Everyone looking at each other, clearly wondering what he's trying to do.
Doctor continues, saying that they were scared, and desperate, and that was probably a pretty bad introduction of humanity. Asks how long it had been waiting, out in the cold, with the diamonds, because 'i saw time in your mind. It keeps me awake, how long you waited in the cold'.
A bang rings out, and it could be a coincidence.
The Doctor says 'you were new, and unexpected, and didn't know what it was to feel and you met us at our worst. And then when you got a chance to find us again, we kept shooting you. Every time you tried to find a voice, every time you tried to talk. Because you make us scared, you make us desperate, because you never knew we could be anything else. A bit like me. I didn't know how not to be scared of you, so I scared everyone else.'
Doctor looks around, careful, like he can see something. Looks straight at Belinda.
Says that today was a good day. That today, he'd remembered that fear, desperation, it can make people kind. He hopes that 'whoever you are, you learned that as well'.
He stands, and Mo stops him. Asks if he's mental, if he thinks talking to the creature will stop it? Doctor says that he hopes for that every day, and it usually works out. Mo says that she can't leave, and the Doctor asks if she was listening, because she has all the information she needs. Mo, of course, is confused. Doctor lists off the species that were on board the plant, and mentions that out of all of them, Mo was the only one who was cold blooded. Which didn't mean anything, until she was left in a freezer to grow cold. Says that once, long ago this planet was cold as well, and a monster slept surrounded by diamonds. Says that, if they're very lucky, maybe the cold has drawn it back to sleep.
Aliss is clearly overjoyed, as is Mo, but Mo still asks, what if they're not lucky? The Doctor admits that he doesn't know. That he can't control the universe, it's never ended well when he's tried. But he can try and show something new, something that might be the first of it's kind, might be the last, who knows, he can try and show her some kindness. Maybe she'll learn something.
Sends the scavengers, Aliss and Mo away and him and Belinda sit in the Tardis. She asks if he really thinks that 'whatever it is' is in hibernation and he says he doesn't know. Brings up a map of the universe as it is now. Points out that 'over there, a war is going to break out, wipes out whole swathes of the sector. Like all wars, started over nothing but fear and a whisper in someone's ear. Over here, twenty stars implode, a galactic mystery, nobody will ever figure out why. There, the first recorded sighting of a man eating shadow, piranhas in dust motes. Then again, four hundred thousand years, maybe people have learned, and maybe she did too. Maybe she's just, listening, following, haunting. Everywhere has ghosts. And here-' big swipe to nothing, empty space, Doctor falters. 'Point is, there's plenty of monsters in the universe. Let's just hope that we left ours in a freezer on a forgotten planet, not the middle of the universe'
Belinda (looking at the empty space): middle of the universe.
Doctor violently flinches at the repetition, callback to Midnight and going 'don't-just' and Belinda hugging him (potentially first hug in the season? Not certain?)
I do think the idea is kinda funny, that the tottmnt boys are such natural storytellers that they'll present themselves as stupider than they are just because that's just where the story is going to have to go for narrative satisfaction. But do I think they would do that? No, not really
Raph telling his story about how good he is at fighting specifically to impress someone, isn't going to think up a way for Hun to try to subtly give him a hint and not write himself to pick up on it. Leo isn't going to write his self fulfillment fantasy about him and his brothers becoming superheroes, write a riddle for the bad guy to give them, and then present himself as too stupid to figure out the riddle that he thought up
