#securely attached

[solaris-ots]

I just did a quiz to find out what my attachment style is and I feel so seen. As I get older, I notice some of the associated traits amplified in myself. Whew.

What do I do now?

Here’s what I know:

44% Fearful Avoidant

38% Dismissive Avoidant

13% Anxious Preoccupied

6% Securely Attached

[heartmindandsnow]

I've watched a few from her, and she's one of the more relatable ones in helping to discover both your strengths and weaknesses in any relationship.

In this one, she covers attachment theory - for which there are 4 basic types. If I'm being honest with myself, I'm a recovering Fearful Avoidant... which is kinda a double whammy because you're afraid they'll leave, but if you get good at recognizing it, you'll push them away first - so you're mad about them leaving, you'll overreact, but that's supposed to be better than being sad about it. Twisted right...

Back in my early 20's just after entering adulthood and living on my own for awhile, I realized at the time the kind of relationship I wanted just wasn't attainable for lots of reasons, and I ended up being pretty angry about it most of the time. A majority of the relationships I was in were unhealthy and nothing long-term, because it felt like there was emotional safety in being alone when it comes to matters of the heart. But what I didn't see, was a slow poisoning of the heart, it eventually wears you down into thinking you'll never be a part of something better because you don't deserve it. This sort of negative feedback just made the FA worse.

Fast forward 25 years at the tail end of my marriage - even though I knew from the beginning that wasn't going to be a relationship built on a loving solid foundation, I was still committed to trying to make it work, because as you might have guessed - I was afraid of being left - even if that person was so toxic she needed an MSDS.

It wasn't until my divorce was finalized, that I began to take some time to heal - I didn't bother with dating until I could assure myself, that even though a lot of blame could be placed at her feet, I still had a part of it that just made it worse. I had to recognize what that worse was, and then do something about it.

It can be hard to objectively look at yourself, to be critical of your short-comings, and how you negatively affect your present relationships.

So I say I'm a recovering FA, because I recognize what I'm doing wrong, but that doesn't mean I catch it every single time ahead of time. There will still be times when I'm triggered, and I will overreact with pushing away. I'm getting better about being a Securely Attached, but to achieve success with this especially emotional regulation in a stressful situation is communication. We need to be able to talk to one another, especially when things are going south and we don't feel like our side is being understood. Because in my experience, the differences are not so far apart as initially imagined.

[funsimplethings]

[funsimplethings]

Island

[kiimiiss-blog]

Attachment

Securely Attached: Securely attached couples have high self-esteem and do not fear closeness. They enjoy feelings of love and trust their partner's displays of love. They are usually willing to change their own behaviors and overlook their partner's faults (Smith & Mackie, 2000). People in this category of attachment feel comfortable depending on others and having others depend on them. One major benefit of a securely attached relationship is that couples deal with conflicts constructively (Smith & Mackie, 2000). They tend to see conflict as an opportunity to communicate and share their feelings. Resolving a conflict can strengthen their confidence in their partner and in the relationship. This sort of attachment is very healthy in a relationship and usually brings the couple closer together. Avoidant: Individuals in the avoidant category are fearful of emotional dependency which can limit their ability to develop intimate relationships (Simpson & Rholes, 1998). In times of conflict, avoidant people do not show distress or anger during interaction, they are more prone to turning to passive-aggressive behaviors. These in turn can lead to feelings of resentment. After a conflict, they are more likely to see their relationship as less close. Avoidant individuals do not look for help or support from their partner. In fact, they may alienate helpers due to their possessive, dependent or controlling ways (Simpson & Rholes, 1998). This sort of attachment can be potentially dangerous to the relationship Anxious-Ambivalent: Anxious-ambivalent attachment usually leads to jealous forms of love. People in this category tend to have low levels of trust and interdependence, and they are usually less satisfied with their relationship than are securely attached partners. Since they feel an excessive desire to merge with their partner, they tend to be "clingy, suspicious, dependent, jealous, controlling and even at times domineering" (Simpson & Rholes, 1998: 168). They tend to worry excessively that their partner does not love them or is going to leave them; therefore, they feel underappreciated, and see others as undependable. Any conflict with their partner can make them feel more anxious and stressful. Due to their fears of loss and abandonment, discussing relationship problems can be difficult. Conflict usually brings about doubts and negativity about the relationship or the partner. Furthermore, after a fight they see the relationship as having less love and commitment. In coping with such feelings, they try to prepare themselves for the loss of the relationship by derogating their partner. This is a type of attachment that can drive people away from each other and potentially put an end to the relationship.