i haven't harmed myself in any way since about november of last year when i successfully moved myself away from the terrible people who made me do that sorts of stuff. going great, been months, i have been far more happier and i started to not let my parents get to my head as far as their half heartedness and their overall shitty behavior.
yesterday and today i failed that. i have only less than an hour now because my parents got mad again at me over minor inconveniences and i got my phone taken earlier over bullshit too. i won't even be online after this so please disregard every negative thing i say because tomorrow hopefully i won't be in this state of mind. anyhoo
big relapse. the main thing that ticks me off is that i get yelled at over something small i do, and i get my phone taken and everything else and i'm stuck. in my room. with nothing but my own thoughts. i can't talk to any other human being or do anything and i just have to SIT IN MY ROOM ALL ALONE. the only outside interactions i have is just yelling or negativity and i can't. take it anymore. it upsets me the most how i can't even talk to my own fucking partner or friends, and i am all alone. with NOTHING. i'm so sorry to them who look up to me, to see that i have failed at even not hurting myself. i promised i wouldn't, but i failed and i'm deeply sorry. i am left with no other choices and no other coping mechanism has prevented me from going insane.
summer is starting and i'm going to be home alone during the weekdays, sure, but the evenings and weekends especially will be the shit kicker of me basically being grounded. i'm technically always grounded unless i'm home alone which is super rare but. alright. i have nevertheless failed at staying clean and i'm still sorry to say that i will keep on cutting my legs and thighs and wherever it's least noticeable until i figure things out myself because my situation is cornering me and nothing is working. it's a shame this happens when i am isolated for far to long but i can't take it anymore. i. i really miss my partner a lot and that is the primary joy i have in my sad reality of a life and when that is gone it breaks me and i just. god. i hate to say this a lot and i want to say this is a small call for help because deep down i'm scared the aftermath of cutting burns and hurts and it throbs with pain and in the moment it's super good but i just. i can't keep doing this man i really wish i haven't set in on that path and it's going to be hard for me to stop harming myself but.
i won't be here for the rest of the day. i'll hope to be able to chat tomorrow even though i have school and crap and my parents may make me go for the next three days and even if i don't go my mom is going to be home. i'm not sure what to do except to sit in my room for the remainder of the day and either continue to hurt myself because that's the only source of otherwise false joy i get or just rot and wait until it's time to head to bed.
sorry to bring this up on my main. i will probably delete this later but this is a very bad time for me and i don't expect anyone to try to help because truthfully there's nothing anybody could do, or even i, myself. speaking of myself, i am not happy with me. i'm very disappointed that i even brought myself to do that but at the same time i have not much else to do to calm myself. excuse this. this is all on my parents and me probably. but while i'm at it and while i already did what i did it's okay to make it worse. it's hurting nobody but me and that's all that matters because it will all heal and in the end. i'm fine. those who aren't close do not intervene or guilt me and go "oh no lucas don't cut yourself that is bad and that hurts!!" just. scroll past or silently read. i don't mind. i just don't know what else to do i can't believe i did that to myself but at the same time it will all heal and be gone. i'm fine. ahem
edit: i feel shameful and that's it. guilty pleasure in a way and i. god i feel sick thinking about it though oh my fuck i'm. oh my god
