When I was seventeen, a senior in high school, I decided to lose my virginity finally because it was cool. When my boyfriend and I were in his room, half naked and he was ready to finally get his naive girlfriend to give him so action, I said no. He didn't listen. He did it anyways. After that, for the next year, even after my relationship with him ended and I started dating a semi decent guy, I turned my emotions off. I didn't care. I didn't say no to sex because, in my group of friends at the time, that was all that was important. You were supposed to bang your bf/gf, then talk about it with everyone and brag about what you did. I hated it. I felt disgusting, I didn't care about myself or my happiness because I was an object. I had been taken advantage of and I felt useless. Sexual objectification was all that women's purpose was. After I graduated high school I began binge drinking. I still felt useless. I felt unclean. I didn't care if I acted sloppy when I was drunk because men only wanted sex anyways. Then, while still dating one of these men, I decided to join the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I wasn't necessarily ready for baptism and immediately became inactive, but the Holy Ghost found ways to speak to me through my alcoholism and drug use and tell me to "Run." Heavenly Father was begging me to leave the place in which my life meant nothing and I often felt suicidal, and so I did. I still wasn't completely active entering church activities in Austin, but I was trying. Soon, I was abiding by the word of wisdom again and trying to remain chaste. My years of feeling as a sexual object made it hard for me to feel any worth, even in the church. My biggest change was when I received my patriarchal blessing. Amongst many things, Heavenly Father assured me of a mother in Heaven who loved me, and reminded me that I had a loving Heavenly family who was rooting for me to do better. I still struggled, but I progressively became completely worthy of callings and the temple. That's when satan got angry. My whole life Satan has worked to discourage me from the Mormon community. He has attempted to make me despise it and disrespect it, and I am ashamed to say I did for a while in my teens. But, Heavenly Father used the power of the Holy Ghost to transform my life, even before baptism. He allowed me to become guilt ridden when my emotions began to resurface, and this changed me onto the bath that has now lead me to temple covenants and soon to be marriage to a choice son of Heavenly Father. Because of my willingness and humility to sacrifice worldly relationships and to endure persecution, I have been blessed beyond belief. I have recently acquired a strong and powerful testimony of the value of eternal families. I know that, despite my hard conversion and my families aversion to the Gospel, that I CAN be with those in my family who accept the Gospel AND my soontobe husband forever. I know that my Heavenly Father is mindful of my trials that I was willing to endure. I know that my mother in Heaven loves me and I am so looking forward to the day when I can finally know more about her and be graciously embraced by her love. I know that families are eternal. I have a testimony that sex is of God's plan for us, and is a wonderful expression of love between husband and wife, ONLY. I know that Satan disguises lust as love and those of us who fall in to that temptation have a hard repentance to go through and a long time of feeling inferiority because we do not allow ourselves to be forgiven. I know that temple covenants are ancient and of Gods church. I know that I have been forgiven. I know that, when I ask for forgiveness and am truly repentant, that God forgets and forgives my sins. Heavenly Father has shown me, through the Spirit, that when I think I am unworthy of an eternal family or husband because of my past, aNd especially my transgressions of sexual nature, He whispers, "what sin, my daughter?" And I am overcome with a great love and gratitude for my brother Christ's ultimate sacrifice so that I, who am imperfect and unworthy, can return to my Heavenly family, forever. I love you all and I hope that any of you struggling with unworthiness, transgressions of sexual nature, and feeling useless and objectified, know that Heavenly Father lives you and forgives. I know that if you have the courage to admit your sins that he will bless you and help you to be healed. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, our wonderfully humble and mindful brother, Amen.
