dual-lian (a play on my name)

Julianne is my western name. Hoang Oanh is my Vietnamese name. Born on borrowed land (thank you our indigenous humans for looking after the land). Immigrant parents raised me up. Now I am seeking to balance both the YIN & the YANG.

[jujus-writing-journal]

a new season has come

i don’t have much in much anymore

i already have been in this phase ~ this phase you have not known because i was not here virtually

it is a bit after 9pm, a week until christmas and my lights are out and it’s just me, this computer and heavenly harp music.

i re-read my last post here and that was 4 ish months ago.

i passed my first ever known mystical experience - it was very disciplined.

i can’t fully grasp the biblical experience of the Holy Spirit and it’s/His workings but i can liken this ‘disciplined’ experience in my Vietnamese spiritual way.

Like Yin/Yang, this month December especially was tricky. I went off waking up at dawn... my life has been filled with wild meetups, sleepovers...

How can life change so quickly?

I feel a little scared that i have been lying in bed and missing the peace of a baby when falling asleep.

It’s like life is causing me to go back there in the ‘real’ world and interact. Am I losing my sanity? I’m not a robot but i surely know now what life is for me if i don’t have time for myself - i can be very temperamental if i don’t have down time.

the good thing is i’m building the blocks back again to going back to communal and civic affairs.

disciplining physically, socially, culturally with my family, friends, local community - casual work as a waitress but the tricky thing is seeking spiritual things in heaven as i do all of this.

what now?

i need strength to build myself up again

maybe 2021 can give me another soul person to come help me. this time i’m hoping it’s my potential partner #mashallah

~

[jujus-writing-journal]

soul check

hello, i’m back again.

this week, i was not in a good place mentally i.e not mentally sharp.

august came as a surprise with mixed feelings, waves of lethargic-ness, sleep disturbances as i come here after eating quite a bit of chocolate.

-

in my last post, i talked about SPIRITUAL REVIVAL.

i have been poor at ‘be-ing’ motivated, consistent, persistent and disciplined in the past few weeks. 

i fell back into my non-structured days after doing a two week partial fast.

i didn’t know that i could fall back so easily.

-

although, our Spiritual Father’s love is bigger than I could feel, think, imagine and comprehend.

i still see bible scripture notifications and God’s gifts, hidden gifts every day and  i will admit i have not taken this is me whole-heartedly.

my heart has been tinkled with cultural entertainment 

but at the same time -

been still given the opportunity to seek God as I wake in the early hours of the morning, with a subtle feeling that the Spirit in me is willing -- but my carnal body is weak.

-

perhaps #lockdown is a training ground

it feels like a waiting room

a place to re-call, re-member, re-flect

but also to try, test and practice new ways to connect with our Heavenly Father.

i have failed and not ‘performed’ well

nonetheless, i have allowed this pruning process to happen.

it use to be self-motivation and by self effort

now i can sense that the Spirit wants to co-labour in me

the call of faith is as sweet and soft 

yet i miss many opportunities 

i once understood growing spiritually as a ‘perfectionist’ sees it

but i found through this that i am refined by the Creator along each step

it’s the intention, heart and meekness that i am most satisfied by the God of the Bible

call me weak that i use the concept of a Creator to help me

but i have witnessed the ‘living water’ of God’s word manifested in my daily life and i can’t go back to my sleeping state

[jujus-writing-journal]

opportunity for a spiritual revival

In this book, the author writes that we need a ‘spiritual revolution’ not ‘political action...;

Funny that this book discusses about the evolution of the ‘campus’ or ‘university’ as the original place for spiritual ‘revival’ because I am writing this during the second wave of lock-down in Melbourne and one of many citizens or humans  renewing my hope and faith in God.

This book has been staring at me over the last few days as it lies dormant for five years since I first received this copy during my early years at university.

I had a few insights and impressions as I am almost finished the first chapter:

Christian life like ‘vanilla extract’ rather than being the ‘salt and the light’:

The Bible shares of the radical transformation and gifts we receive when we become a Christian - led by the Holy Spirit, as we move and live our every day life at our office workplaces, farms, factories. We essentially are missionaries every we go, every conversation we have on the train or place, our connection with our next door neighbours...

Here we have an opportunity to bond, connect and love as Jesus and God loves us to God’s created peoples. We show a different kind of love. *note: I was not brought up with biblical principles of being, living and seeing but this is one of the main things I discovered when I am fully surrender and my compass is aligned and led by the Holy Spirit.

What has it turned to in the 21st century?

We are lacking spiritual vitality in ourselves, our homes and in our communities.

The author puts it bluntly - we have made Christianity/Jesus boring.

How does it look like for everyday citizens at work, at the shopping malls and at public places?

The author puts it like (paraphrased): being comfortable in work, earning money to follow the mainstream American dream and maintain a few prayers and church visits in one’s family to portray the good ‘Christian’ identity.

Hence the ‘vanilla extract’ is a great metaphor to describe this lifestyle. 

Impotence

I must admit, I have fallen into many periods of ‘impotence’ - a spiritual lethargy as you can describe it. I have felt overwhelmed, stuck and helpless to practice and take actions when I know that I can do more with my gifts God has given to me. *Remember the Great Commission in the Bible.

Diseases to the flesh:

Lust, sex and pornography

Materialism

Basically anything that yearns for something over God (our weak flesh).

I must admit, this is a revelation for me that I have been weak to many of this. 

I know I can do more.

Why is this important?

God seems to love humanity so much that He wants seekers to turn into missionaries, movers and shakers. How else is the Christian religion still brought unto today?

There must have been many awakenings in the past era where the Holy Spirit was active and leading pastors, chaplains, schools. Essentially anyone who listened to God and the Holy Spirit to act on God’s call.

I share in my faith that God wants us to continue His good work and that this uncertain pandemic lies opportunity to renew our spiritual desires to feed on God’s spiritual food to re-direct our minds and spirit to God’s big mission. 

It is the most adventuring and endearing mission you will ever embark on. 

C.S Lewis was right when he said there is no ‘middle-ground’ to being a Christian. You either are not a Christian or are a Christian. *my understanding is your lifestyle shows you are a Christian. 

I am weak but I know in the past I was used by God and here I am again five years later, fasting and delving into the Bible, re-learning and re-building my foundations.

Let’s go.

[jujus-writing-journal]

f-ast to re-vive

come  ⁠— 

seasons come

you come and go

how many cycles? until we are frozen in time with you oh dear tree.

we remember the light  ⁠— 

                             and the dust

be gone but are have returned.

who are you?

i do not remember you - how art thou shine in such a purified state?

a gentle reminder perhaps?

Sneaky God  ⁠—

I hear you whisper in these long cold nights.

thought i had comfort

but you had something better for my soul.

--

backstory:

i wrote on my whiteboard a few days ago:

‘revival’

^ without any context of where I heard or retrieved this word from.

But it has come back to me once again through...

-Listening to the Christian meditation ‘Abide’ app on the need to ‘revive’ everyday - ‘re-store’ and ‘revive’ us again.

-My eye meeting a book on my shelf that hasn’t been touched in a while called ‘Fireseeds’ (Spiritual Awakening).

-Listened to a sermon and heard for the first time on ‘Daniel Fasting.’ 

--

Note to self:

Two more days until my first stage of ‘fasting.’

I am preparing mentally, eating light, feeding less on radio/tv/sugar and feeding on worship songs, sermons and scriptures.

I have faith something will come out of this.

Not exactly sure.

juju.

[jujus-writing-journal]

teaser of my vietnamese story

11:01pm, Fri 26.06.20

"don't gamble with chickens" backstory - dad gambled with money for whichever chicken won over the other chickens in Sydney after migrating...

i use to be grey. i never strongly upheld any-thing, except that I was an outsider, a wanderer, a prodigal. But here i am writing this, while listening to the soundtrack to Back to the Future (one of my childhood jams).

yes, a prodigal that came back. and no big bang caused me to 'wake up' from this identity crisis. i woke up heavy headed... making my bed, opening my curtains and trying to remember last night's dream and feeling guilty for the deed i did. but this time -  like in one of jim carry's awakening line series - i felt like i got it. i'm stuck in an endless waking dream - the dream of repeating the same mistake of - fighting with the chickens.

[CUT]

i never claimed myself as 'yellow.' don't know if the universe is mocking me or playing games because my vietnamese name means a 'yellow' coloured bird. i tried to sound so well speaking 'English.' i feel guilty and sick knowing i tried to prove my self around others.

[CUT]

and covid19 came - blessing and a curse  i can't run from my self or the chickens.

then i received verbal criticism my silent enemy "you're not good at Vietnamese as I thought" - they say -the oil, soy sauce, spices boiled in my blood...

note - chickens (is my mother).

--

^ Extract from my draft for my Vietnamese story.

[jujus-writing-journal]

opportunity to fast during #lockdown

i am writing this - a day from where my monthly cycle happens as a woman. I noted this because this affects how I think, feel and reflect.

Here I am in a space where I can share what the Spirit is teaching me on ‘fasting.’

Being kept at home means that we are not as influenced by external affairs, pressures... where do we go? retreat? 

to our breath

to our mind, thoughts (yes, if you practice this, you can hear revelations)

to our heart - this tugging, longing, yearning 

-

^ Hike @Mount Macedon Ranges in May 2020.

I am keeping myself accountable here.

I deactivated my Facebook account (let’s see how I go for a month) #Facebookfast

The next fast on my list is going away from my guilty pleasure - chocolate.

. . .as I am writing this, I am singing Hillsong’s New Wine and Bethel’s Goodness of God... no matter how I feel, the condition of my sick and selfish heart, I can always return to goodness in a faith that I can’t see but know that all of me, all of what I have is from the Creator.

. . .

I wanted to see where I go, what I do, how I spend my time by not scrolling on Facebook or getting the fleeting adrenaline from my notifications.

I’m hoping I can listen to more worship songs, read more spiritual articles, videos, prophetic messages and continue to repent and renew my spirit as I embark on the next venture of God’s will.

. . .

I end with a written prayer for my fellow Christian friends to continue praying for our country, our humans, our friends and people who are lost and need the light.

Continue to use us as the light to the world.

I don’t have much left of me anymore. 

I rely on God’s spirit now.

In time and place again,

🍂

[jujus-writing-journal]

Why fast?

I have been feeling strange - yes it may be the moon, my hormones, the food/sugar I am eating...

I saw this video on my updates feed with the title ‘rapture dream’ and I clicked on it...

This young girl talked about fasting...

And it made me question whether God was telling me to fast. In the past week or so, I have not been eating consistently and regularly. My appetite was low... I would feel empty and low late at night and ate snacks to replace the late afternoon meal instead of my dinner.

I felt different during the day when I did not eat in the morning or late in the morning. I felt less inclined to do the ‘adrenaline’ activities - checking my email, checking my socials, ticking off my to-do list. 

I felt my body being okay without physical sustenance... was this a mini test that  I need to fast?

. . .

discipline

re-focus

repent

listen

satisfied?

spirit move

revelatory insights

. . .

Will need to double-check.

Breatheeeee.

[jujus-writing-journal]

dust-like dream

my spiritual be-ing can be described like the movement of my white prayer dress swishing with ripple-like wave forms alongside the gravity and the wind...

i awake half-asleep as i’m aware with my voice 

why does this feel like a dream

wait - 

can it be? i am stuck, another day

the same day to give me another chance

to take hold of my karmic deeds

and confront it, face it

to break this suffering

here and now . . .

-

Call it ‘karma.’ I feel this is my be-ing realising the essence of ‘self-infliction’ and frustration in a new light and revelation.

I am weak and I do not know why I keep repeating the same habit and action. I fight myself. 

I have arrived into another path - to learn about my ancestors’ way of being and understanding karmic relationships and self-cultivation.

My head use to ‘think’ it knows. Now, my be-ing rules...

Keep walking.

-j

[jujus-writing-journal]

mid-night revelations

“Every plan and step you take, the universe is always one step ahead.” - my being hearing my-self.

. . .

Think and remember every experience.

I met this human - how? 

It could have been fate and pre-planned before we were conscious/born OR it could be a general spiritual orchestrative play which plays out for every 7 billion humans and counting.

when we re-turn . . .

we are dusts and we will walk dust-fully until we de-part . . .

re-call, re-ceive the call

re-learn, re-try

as we die in our sleep to our same realities

with the same anger, selfish-ness, mistakes, fantasies. . .  

re-solve

to re-new relationships, our trauma

. . . 

Let’s re-kindle

- the fire.

Keep it burning.

-j

@poetryfoundation​ - spiritual poetry.

[jujus-writing-journal]

a taster of Vietnamese culture

I had to write -

and was reminded to come here

To-day is Sabbath day -

and i can hear worship music outside my window

Thank you neighbour.

Bliss on Sabbath Sunday.

--

This happens every day -

I awake to hear her voice.

This voice knocks on my heart

Pulls on my hair

And shakes my soul.

I do not invite her in easily

Because my river runs with high walls

But her voice knocks them down

And my heart hurts.

-

But til to-day

I know

She is strong

A voice filled with cries and burrowed suffering

A million miles from her home town

To giver her body as a sacrifice in our blood daily

I will never know her pain

She is my mother - meet Nga.

And this is the blood that runs in my veins.

[jujus-writing-journal]

as close to Jesus as we can get

For those who question your faith...

Your anchor.

I am reminded to use my non-dominant hand

To see, feel and  to try and wear another humans’ shoes

The experience of another’s spiritual and religious practice.

In this case, denominational Christianity and Catholicism.

After a brisk walk with my dog...

I wondered about the ‘incarnate’ Jesus.

Over Easter - today is Easter Monday.

Our fellow humans who go to Confession.

And those who practiced Lent this year have some things to share.

...

I am not a Catholic...

A lay-person or am baptised in the Catholic Church.

I do not know...

But I do know that my friends are deeply in remembrance of Jesus’ sacrifice, his nails on his hands.

From the offering, rituals and candles at Mass,

-Back to the origins as one of my dear Friends who is a ordained Father says.

Christianity in it’s purest form.

…

So my fellow humans...

In my walk with God,

I am called to learn about the nature and flesh of Jesus.

As tangible as it sounds,

Through Catholic practices.

…

Perhaps in my next reflection,

I will share:

How can we learn from our Christian friends?

[jujus-writing-journal]

unlearning to re-learn

I thought my right hand would rule well

I thought familiarity and comfort signalled confidence and faith

But my efforts were put down

The bell in return rang rays of messy voices

I silenced my left hand for too long

I forgot I began with my left

But I left 

Because I wanted to run and seek something else

-

My mother told me I was not swinging the bell right

This time I let the moment fall to where it wanted it to be

My left hand directed my head and controlled the swing

I labelled my left as clumsy 

I felt weak

To my surprise

The bell cried out with rays of freedom and strength

I pray for my left to lead the way 

Once again--

To another decade

To give me faith 

And an anchor.

--

^ One night before Easter Sunday. Evening prayer time with mum, sister and brother.

[jujus-writing-journal]

fresh familiarity

part 1:

My dog was begging

To go outside

Ah, fresh laundry liquid

Means fresh clothes

That’s my neighbour

Thank you neighbour for reminding me

That we go back to the same habits but can

-with fresh eyes

-

My dog turns to our usual left

I breathe in

Call it Autumn air

Ah, Summer, you have left

Means less of your warmth

That’s Autumn

You smell a little more mysterious

-

Your cool nature of the air

Is softer than Summer

It fills my lungs

Ah clarity

Ah f-r-e-s-h

I go back to 2010

That’s ten years ago

I thought I was asleep in my high school years

It feels like you have not left me Autumn

-

My dog is begging

To go outside

What is the ‘outside?’

Our mental dream of a never ending horizon

Intertwined with memories

As we wait for what is next

-Fresh Autumn

–

Writing from the Senses, Ch.25 - Scents of the Season

[jujus-writing-journal]

8:00pm - driving mother to fetch some groceries.

Driving under,

Dim carpark lights,

My mother tells me to get out of this place

Something is not right - where are the mortals?

I spot one human

Security perhaps or an outsider maybe.

Driving up to the ramp,

To the wild -

Main open carpark

We spot window light

Two workers spotted inside.

Bright fluorescent store lights

But no human activity.

Is this a glimpse of the end-of-the-world?

Or dear Autumn - are you giving us a cue?

I leave with mother with no goods for security tonight

I put the car window down

And breathe

I catch a whiff -

A familiar, redolent scent of blurred high school years and the cold uncertainty of this state

My car headlights spot seagulls migrating off somewhere

The birds have witnessed the sign too.