im five months clean from s/h todayyy !! ^_^

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im five months clean from s/h todayyy !! ^_^
"stop for me.." your initials are next bby
t worded woww and it was a brand new acc !!
Lmao i had one mutual
jirai-nene-is-back ima follow
Tw sh //
Ive been clean 4 more than a year but tumblr makes me wanna relapse,,,, my old red little cvts and scars up and down my arms/thighs were so comfortable and i felt pretty for the first time since my ed ,,,, idk if looking at thosee tags on tumblr is helping or hurting the urges
Plus all the "bad" bits of it were enjoyable actually,,, at the time atleast. Blood sticking to clothes, having little stains of it inside my bfs hoodie, being able to hide my arms and have ppl ask abt it,,,,, the attention i got and the sitting in my room with my blades hidden in my phone case,, listening to my favorite music. Its so easy to romanticize even in active addiction. Like its been a year and ive just got the same ache in my chest thinking abt it. I wish i could forget all abt it or get so so much worse, just yearning for it in recovery is HELL
“All I wanna say is the amount of emotional pain someone has to be in to turn to physical pain as a means of escape is much more severe than people realize. Selfharming in itself does not contain moral value beyond those that do not. We aren’t just sitting around wanting to do this to ourselves—you get to a point where it’s no longer a choice you have and that, that is what makes it so incredibly difficult to treat. That is why the world has to leave the judgement behind not unless you know—really fully know the immense pain one is in to do this to themselves over and over again.”
—Excerpt from My Future Memoir
"You will always be my hostage and I will never be able to kill you..."
I wanna pull and pick and scratch and cut at every inch of my body
I wanna sit there and watch every drop of blood pour out of me
Watch my soul leave my body and drift away
Watch the light that's left in my eyes fade
Let the energy that lingers leave me
See all the good and bad memories disappear
And finally I will heal
I am slowly dying and there’s nothing I can do to fix that. Not. Not really at least.