Warnings: fix-it fic, season 4, first person pov, switching pov, feelings
Summary: Clark turns 18, Lex takes one last chance at making things right between them.
A/N: so, yeah...I never write in first person for fic, but it just felt right for this one. set between Blank and Ageless, with references to s1-4 throughout. hope you like my first attempt at a Clex fic!
Become a Patron Tip Jar Help me save for dental surgery
"I owe you my life, Clark. I'll never forget that."
"I guess adrenaline is really a powerful thing, Clark. Good thing, too, or all three of us would be dead now."*
"Yes, I was looking into the accident, but I'm done with that. There's nothing under the surface I need to know."
"I had to kill him, Clark, you understand that right? He hurt you, he was going to kill your father. I had to."
"I put too much trust in a pair of pretty green eyes, and nearly lost everything. I let her too close and almost paid for that mistake with my life, and your father's freedom. And, once again you saved me."
"You know, my father told me, every Arthur needs his Merlin. But even Merlin couldn't save Arthur from falling in the end. Luckily, I have you, Clark. Let's just hope you can keep me from a one way trip to Avalon."
"I wish you could trust me, Clark, really trust me. I just can't stop feeling like there's something important you've kept hidden from me, since the day we met. And, every time I think you're close to finally telling me, you veer off course."
"I'm glad you're back to normal, repressed, farmboy. Rebellion isn't really your color, Clark. But, if you ever need to borrow the Ferrari again, make sure it stays within the town limits."
"I'm not sure if I'm more relieved or disappointed, knowing for sure you're not my brother, Clark. It would have been nice, growing up with you, but at least you aren't tainted by Luthor blood."
"I'm sorry about Ryan, Clark. Guess I was wrong, you really would make a great brother."
"Naman and Sageeth, Warrior Angel and Devilicus…I hate when stories don't give the details on how two people go from being best friends to sworn enemies."
"I'm sorry about how often your family gets drawn into the Luthor chaos, Clark. I hope you don't regret our friendship."
"I truly am sorry about my part in Eric Marsh coming after you and your parents, Clark. I wouldn't have bailed him out if I had known. The last thing I would ever want is for your family to be hurt."
"My memory of my actions shortly before I was admitted to Belle Reve are hazy at best, but if the pain I'm told I caused you and Lana really happened, I'm sorry, Clark. I only hope I didn't do anything too…untoward, with you, beyond nearly shooting you. Only, I keep getting a fuzzy picture in my head, when I try to remember. You, and me, in the loft. I was singing a lullaby. Suddenly, I was right next to you, and then there was this warmth, your warmth, surrounding me. Whenever I think of that moment, my lips ache."
"Why won't you let me help you, Clark? I could protect you from my father, if you would just open up to me. What is so damned important about those caves that we just keep circling back to them? What are those drawings to you?"
"I appreciate your worry, Clark, but isn't it a bit hypocritical to keep pushing me to reveal my most tumultuous secrets, while denying me your own?"
"You chose right with Pete, Clark. I envy his strength. I'm sorry he had to move. But it's probably safer this way, for both of you."
"I'm glad I can call you my friend again, Clark. I'm sorry I messed it up the first time around. These have been the loneliest five months of my life. I've grown too used to you showing up on my doorstep when I least expect it."
"What is it that you're hiding from me, Clark? What did I learn in those seven weeks that just keeps eluding me? All these secrets and lies…I don't know how much more I can take."
"There's a darkness inside me, Clark, and it scares me. One small lapse in judgment, and I could hurt everyone I care about."
May 3rd, 2005
Lex's POV:
So many starts to conversations that ended before they really went anywhere. So many opportunities to get closer, to rid ourselves of the distance between us, to bring to light the secrets that stained and strained our friendship. But then, that was why I was usually the one ending them, wasn't it? Even when I was the one who started it. Pulled away, put the walls back up, slipped that mask of cool indifference back on, before he could get too close. Because if he did, how could I resist?
How would I be able to walk away, sane and whole, if he closed that gap? If he bared his soul, spilled all his secrets, how could I keep him pure? That beautiful, innocent, pristine farmboy, would only be tainted if he got that close. Too young, too naive…I would have ruined him. I still might.
I could count the number of people I have ever cared about almost as much as I care about Clark on one hand, with three digits left to spare. I would call it love, if I thought I still had the ability to feel that particular emotion. I've tried for nearly four years to keep him at arm's length. Tried for four years to let myself have the one thing I wanted even more than my father's approval. Four years of yearning, dreaming of thick, black hair, and piercing green eyes. Haunted by pouting lips that could drive angels to sin, and hands big and strong enough to catch them when they fell.
Will I ruin this perfect, flawed, creature once I have him in my arms? After he has saved me countless times since that first life-changing, life-ending…life-starting…day on the bridge, could I take the chance that I won't destroy him? Can I really resist the chance to find out? Even a saint's patience has its limits.
How many trips to Suicide Slums have I made, finding just the right shade of green eyes, the right pair of plump lips, shoulders just broad enough, to make the endless need go away, just for a little bit? Just long enough to pretend I didn't ache every time Clark walked through my door. That I didn't want anything more than to push him down onto the leather couch in my office and despoil that paragon of perfection. Tan, dark haired men aren't too hard to find, if you know where to look, if you have the right connections, and the wallet big enough to back it up. So eager to please, to kneel, to worship the Luthor cock. But none of them, not one, close enough to his perfection to sate my hunger for his presence.
This past year has been the hardest, months spent trying to salvage the wreckage of our friendship. The mysterious and creepy misadventure of my father somehow switching bodies with Clark. Chloe's wild and out birthday party, that I'm sure I still don't have all the details on. Being framed for the murder of an innocent woman by a scorned one-night-stand, both of whom I only even glanced twice at because of features that made me think of Clark. Almost killing the entire Kent family with one of my ill-thought experiments. Watching Jason and Lana, envious of what they had, wanting that with Clark. Their age gap had been the least of their problems, and seeing them together had given me hope, even if they had ultimately parted ways. I know it's a small town with even smaller world views, but still…
There I go, getting ahead of myself again. Thinking like I know for a fact that Clark feels the same way I do, that the attraction is mutual. But, I've seen the looks he's given me over the years. The deer-in-the-headlights look I see when we're playing pool and I've just turned around from taking my shot, his gaze quickly flitting up to mine, and away, his next move fumbled. Felt the lingering touches, like he didn't want to have to pull away. He's the only one I let touch me so casually, you know? The only one I willingly hug, even if the embrace is painfully shorter than I care for. Even lovers aren't allowed to touch more than necessary to bring me off. I flinch from my father's hand whenever possible, my skin crawling with unease when he manages to act out his parody of paternal love.
But, how many times have I greased the way into Lana's heart for Clark? Sure, they were mostly misguided attempts to rid myself of the temptation he posed. And still, through all their back and forth, they just couldn't make it work. It gave me hope that I tried to ignore, Clark's inability to settle for either Lana or even Chloe. …Or Alicia, who seemed to be both girls wrapped in one, beautiful and brilliant, but so very troubled; though, given how long he'd mourned her, she may have come the closest to keeping his heart.
How many times, during our talks, have I seen those cow eyes darken, ever so slightly, before the faintest flush of color rose on his cheeks, making him turn away, his speech suddenly stumbling? How many of my loaded comments have left him speechless, the untrippable boy now awkward as a fawn taking its first steps. Is it such a stretch to really believe there's a possibility of him returning my affection?
The Grandfather clock in the corner strikes the hour, and I stand from my chair. Time to bring some kind of resolution to the circles we seem to run around each other. One way or the other. But first, one more look at Clark's gift. I hope it's one he'll accept without all the hemming and hawing that's followed every other token of my appreciation and affection.
Clark's POV:
I had almost given up hope of him accepting my invitation. What excitement can a small gathering of friends at a farm in Kansas hold to draw the attention of a world-savvy billionaire? Fried chicken and homemade cake could hardly compare to caviar and creme brulee. But still, I could hope. Hope that he'll show up, even for a minute, hope that he'll help give this regrowing friendship a fighting chance.
It's hard to keep that hope for friendship from spreading into hope for something more.
Since that day on the bridge, I’ve tried wrapping my mind around so many feelings, so many confusing urges. It was worse in the beginning, my body going through so many changes, both human and alien. Learning bits and pieces of the truth of who I am. Still so much left unknown.
As my mind wanders, I look over at my friends. Pete showed up this afternoon, a surprise. Said he couldn't miss the only birthday party I've ever thrown. He'll probably have to leave soon if he wants to make it back to Wichita before curfew. Chloe, with her bright, bubblegum smile and knowing eyes, doing her best to keep Lois from annoying me too much. Lana, demure smile in place, eyes flitting over to me every so often. My heart twinges with a good dose of guilt every time she does.
I still hold a place for her in my heart, but it's not the same. Hasn't been since he moved in, really. Lana was the girl next door, the one I thought I would always see as the love of my life. But, since that day on the bridge, slowly, but surely, things have changed.
Saving Lex was the catalyst for so much change. That not-really-a-kiss threw a wrench into everything I thought I knew about myself. It was only CPR, but from the first press of my lips against Lex's, it was like the whole world had shifted. And not just mentally. It was as if bringing Lex back to life had been a jumpstart on a molecular level. Before, I'd always been strong and fast and practically indestructible, but within a few weeks of meeting Lex, up popped the x-ray vision. God, that was an embarrassing couple of weeks while I got it under control. The vague dreams I'd been having got slightly more focused after I caught a flash of Lex in his boxers before I could close my eyes. It wasn't the first time I'd woken up sticky, but before that, it had always been Lana haunting my erotic dreams, like when I'd first started waking up floating above my bed.
I had managed to push aside the confusing feelings that were blooming since meeting Lex, mostly, until the start of my sophomore year and the height of the heat wave. How many fires did I almost start, thinking of Lex? Those were the worst few months. Especially while Desiree was around. Talk about confusing. Didn't help that Chloe had to chime in with her observation that Desiree looked like a female version of me. Suddenly all I could think of was Lex giving me the sultry, sloe-eyed stares he'd been giving her.
After that, my imaginings decided they were no longer happy secluding themselves to my sleeping hours. The first time I touched myself to thoughts of Lex happened shortly after Desiree's spell over him was broken. None of my jerk-off sessions had ever led to that powerful an orgasm. Thank God my parents weren't home; I don't think I'd have had the higher brain function required to explain the scream that accompanied my explosive release.
After my mini freak out over the careening change in direction of my fantasies, I did some…research. Let's just say, I really hope my parents don't do any in-depth searching into my internet history any time soon. My dad really doesn't need another heart attack.
Through the wonders of the internet, I discovered that, yeah, maybe I did have some attraction to guys. None of the porn I stumbled across made me feel quite as aroused as my Lex-based daydreams, but I couldn't deny that there had been some definite tightening of my jeans as I watched. I also discovered that my attraction to girls may have lessened, but not entirely disappeared. Lana still entered my dreams from time to time; and there was that one really haunting visit where she showed up while Lex and I were tangled together, and instead of the freak-out dream-me had expected, she eagerly joined in. That had led me down a whole other rabbit hole.
But, still, life continued on, with just another secret about myself to hide beneath my naive, bumbling exterior. I think I've managed to keep my growing attraction to Lex a secret from nearly everyone. Except maybe from Chloe. She's altogether too good at ferreting out the truth, and I've seen some of the looks she's given me when the conversation turns to Lex, or when he shows up with yet another extravagant gift I can't keep. If anyone knows, it would be her. Has she seen it there, on my face? The longing? The need? Are they the same looks I never managed to recognize her casting my way…the same looks I sometimes still see her give me when she thinks I'm not looking?
Things only got harder after tenth grade. After I ran away in a haze of red Kryptonite, guilt-ridden over the aftermath of my decision to destroy the ship and bitter over Lex's latest marriage. Metropolis opened my eyes to a world of new experiences. While Clark was busy hiding from the pain he'd caused and the struggle of figuring out whether he still loved Lana the same way he always had or if Lex had slowly but surely replaced her atop that lonely pedestal, Kal was having the time of his life.
No rules, no chores, no curfew, and just legal enough. Oh yeah, Kal had no qualms about living it up in the big city. And now I've got a brain full of memories, memories of experiences I'd rather have explored with people I'd known for more than an hour. I mean, I'm still a…virgin…in all the ways that count the most, but there were plenty of firsts that got checked off the list during those months of self-imposed exile. But, I confirmed without a doubt that I am definitely, undeniably, bisexual.
I knew Lex had supplanted himself ahead of Lana in my romantic leanings when the sight of her with Jason didn't hurt the way seeing her with Whitney had. The love I felt for her had shifted. Lex is who I see now, when I close my eyes and let my hand wander beneath my boxers, smooth, pale skin and stormy eyes fill my head as I bite back my cries of pleasure. No matter how complicated and strained our friendship has become, he's the one I want. The one I need.
The sound of a sturdy raprap against the door shakes me from my tangled thoughts. Mom goes to answer it and the slow tightening in my jeans quickly threatens to cut off all circulation of blood flow as Lex steps through into the kitchen where we're all gathered. God, why do we have to celebrate my birthday in May? Why couldn't it have been in the dead of winter, when layers and thick, form-obscuring fabrics are a necessity?
He's wearing one of my favorite outfits of his. The sleeves of the lilac shirt strain around the deceptive muscles of his upper arms as he walks closer, his gray slacks a mix between casual and business, perfect creases shifting with each step. What skin there is that's bared to my sight is slightly reddened by the wind I knew he created on the drive over. Almost dying in an accident hasn't tempered his need for speed. I'm so lost in my ogling that it takes a nudge from Chloe to realize Lex has been speaking to me. Yeah, she definitely knows.
*******
@leatafandom (big hug and thanx for your cheerleading!)
After hiatus from watching smallville for a long time, so saya kembali menonton si gagah Clark Kent yang diperankan oleh Tom Welling dan langsung loncat ke season 9 dari season 6, euh ceritanya Clark udah jadian aja sama Lois (bye bye Lana Lang, which is i dont like Lana too much, wlek).
I love heroic movie like Superman, Ironman, Spiderman (eerrr.. not as much Super an Ironman actually) and another kindof movies.. tapi ga termasuk Super hero kocak yang ditayangin di global tipi yak! cekakak.
Hey, siapa yang ga setuju kalo Tom Welling ini is a HOT?? I hope no one disagree. Do u believe kalo Tom Welling ini mirip kecengan saya di masa lalu? Yep mirip Mas Afda! Jadi setiap liat mas Tom Welling ini pasti inget Mas Afda :p :p :p ah sudahlah... yang bikin betah nonton Smallville ini ya si Mas Tom Welling, never get enough to watch him. Apalagi kalo udah liat barengan Lois,beuuuhh! pokonya i wish i'd have a husband yang seganteng, segagah dan seheroic Clark Kent :p
*mas Tom Welling*
*mau aplod poto mas Afda tapi takut geger band lah*
I am surprise pas baca bio nya mas Tom, usianya udah 34 tahun broooo.. saya pikir masih kepala 2 aja gitu umurnya, wew awet muda ya ceman cemaaan.. and the lucky woman who married him is Jamie White
*aaahh.. such a lucky :)*
nih ah kita parade poto nya mas Tom Welling aja eeaaa yg ganteng both smile and serious face
