I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that I might be on the aromantic spectre, but it's so very hard in a society where romance's everywhere and a romantic relationship is seemed as the highest form of love/the ultimate goal of life. I have dearly beloved friends & family but those relationships aren't as highly valued as romantic ones. I just wish I was alloromantic since I think it would be easier (although it probably wouldn't). How does one cope with this over-romanticied world?
Hello, anon! I’m sorry to hear that you’re having some trouble coming to terms with your romantic orientation. It can definitely be a difficult thing to do. I personally haven’t had too much trouble coming to terms with my aromanticism (realizing it was more of a relief for me than anything, and I think my romance-repulsion has helped me), but here are some (hopefully helpful) tips that come to mind:
Realize the flaws in the whole romantic fantasy. Even alloromantic people know that fairytales are bullshit. Romantic relationships have their faults. They take work, they go through rough patches, they aren’t always deep and supportive, and oftentimes they end (sometimes very poorly). Picking apart that fairytale fantasy might help you in realizing that romantic relationships aren’t inherently better than any other kind of relationship.
Appreciate the relationships you have. Which relationships in your life do you value? Why exactly do you value them? What would you miss if you didn’t have these people in your life? Really digging into the reasons you value the non-romantic relationships you have and realizing what you get out of these relationships is an important step in learning to value them even more.
Talk yourself out of thinking that “it’s just a phase” or that you “just haven’t met the right person yet.” Something that’s helped me with this is remembering that like sexuality, romantic orientation can be fluid and subject to change. Sure, maybe one day I’ll grow out of this and want something different. But this is where I am now. This is who I am at this point in my life. It’s just how it is, and it’s valid.
Fantasize about your ideal relationship. (And this could be any kind of relationship, not necessarily a monogamous, committed QPR.) What might you want in a relationship? What would make you happy? And then alternatively, how might you feel in a romantic relationship? If you think you might feel better in one, then why is that exactly? Question why exactly you still want a romantic relationship. Pinpointing that reason can be super helpful.
Make some aro friends. Talking with other people who experience things in ways similar to you is incredibly validating. You’ll feel less weird and alone, and it’ll help you come to terms with your identity.
Talk about it. If you have a supportive and understanding friend or family member you feel like you can talk to, then maybe try to work through your feelings with them. If that sounds uncomfortable or if you don’t wanna “come out,” then maybe try journaling or something. Just the process of getting all your feelings about your identity out can be useful, and you might realize some things about yourself or the way you think along the way.
Give yourself time. Realizing and coming to terms with the fact that you aren’t how you’re “supposed to” be isn’t an overnight deal. It takes time to unlearn the lessons we’ve been repeatedly taught throughout our lives.
