#someonetoshoutfor

[littledudent5]

I just realized Someonetoshoutfor (aka, Brandon aka the guy that said "don't do drugs, stay in school, make good choices" at the end of all of his videos) stopped doing youtube videos. Like, I knew he usually only uploaded one once in a blue moon, but then I just remembered him and saw that he deleted his account and that he made an official "goodbye" video. :( 

Sad Youtube feels. I really looked up to Brandon. He was a great guy + made good videos. 

[balterprince]

I am literally having youtube feels.

What is wrong with me.

[literallysame]

someonetoshoutfor reblogged your photo

wait holy shit when did this happen brandon I love yOU

[phamarcy]

I've been watching the same GAY collab channel on Youtube.

I don't know why but I think these people are just so hilarious. Don't get me wrong, I'm NOT gay. :)

If you're curious, that gay collab's channel is calles "A Gay A Day" or better known as AGAD, and they're really funny. All of them are gay. What they usually do is they give a theme every week, and every member would make a video about that theme. It's really interesting, you should check it out.

And there's this one guy named Brandon, he acts completely like a straight dude, but he's gay. Ladies like him a LOT, 'cuz they say he's cute. You should check him out. AGAD is also a gay collab channel where the legendary youtube star LuanLegacy once co-starred. He used to be the Thursday gay, and he's friggin hilarious. Though he gave his posotion for Thursday for Andrew, who is pretty much just as good.

Anyways, these guys/gays are so cool, and you won't get tired of their personalities. Especially Bradon's personality, 'cuz he's got the personality of a mailbox. And his style in video making is just so... awkward and boring. But that's what makes it hilarious. It's his fault why I started loving mailboxes, tho.

YOU PEOPLE SHOULD REALLY CHECK THEM OUT: AGAD's (AGayADAy) channel Brandon's personal Channel LuanLegacy's channel  

[normcorewoman]

I'm such a fan of this guy. 

[ravous-blog]

Forced out

Okay, so I think I need to write something in here something long and really an explanation, mostly to myself, but to you, if you are still reading.

When I started this blog, I don't know really why I did it, but I guess as close minded as I was, it was only because of where I was. I wanted someone to hear my story, someone to maybe understand. I guess it was because of the giant secrets I was hiding, not only to everyone else, but to myself. Coming to acceptance is a big deal for myself and right now I definitely not at the point of acceptance, at least 100%.

I knew forever, actually. I knew from when I was in elementary school. I never really thought about it that hard, I just let the feelings pass through me, never thought to take a second thought that I might be "different". That all changed I guess when I got caught, back in 8th grade. I remember because I had just gotten back from baseball practice or something and I went on the family computer and was just... looking around. When my parents came home (I got a ride from someone else) I quickly went to a different website and pretended like I was doing something else. Gah! I was so stupid, but when my parents got home my dad went on the computer and pressed the back button! I was so foolish to leave the entire page open but oh well. What followed after was a little blurred, it involved a lot of yelling, negative feelings about it, not knowing what to say, and tears. I promised never to do it again, but to my parents that wasn't enough, they took out the computer screen, unplugged the internet and various other... punishments. I wanted to puke, I felt like a disgusting piece of crap. I remember going to shower right after that happened, I guess as a way to "purify" myself.

After that day, it was never talked about again, I never dared bring it up, and I didn't dare to attempt to look again. Time went on... obviously the feelings didn't leave, but because of my family's intense dynamic of never speaking to each other about things, I began to live a lie. I remember buying myself an ipod touch in order to have internet in my own room. My parents were too stupid to realize that it had internet. For most of my high school life, I lived my "real" life on that ipod. I wouldn't let anyone else touch it, I was so paranoid of anyone finding out and having the same experience with my parents again. 

But obviously nothing is ever that simple, as I aged, I became aware of what I was, and what I should be going through. I began to research who I really was, and the more I looked, the more I discredited my parents as people. But the damage was already done, and there was no way in hell that I would tell anyone who I really was. I fell in love, and lived a life of pure depression as the inescapable truth that what I wanted and reality was never going to happen. I battled everyday, every moment, to maintain a composure that would lead others astray. And it worked, but I didn't realize how much I was actually isolating myself. I went on my way by myself. I never relied on anyone else. I was afraid to have the close connections that I craved. As senior year in high school came to fruition, everyday, nearly every second. I was consumed by a secret identity I kept shut. Whenever the conversation would turn to homosexuality I became quiet. When the conversation turned to women, I defaulted to a woman that, by society, is considered "desirable".

It was so weird though, whenever I went home, I didn't think about it. Sure I would, like, jerk off or whatever. But outside the 10 minutes I spent being my true self, at my house I would shut down. I guess again because of the secrecy of my family. I was so excited to apply for college, because I felt like I was finally going to be able to leave this past life and start anew. I guess that was what made getting rejected so much worse. I couldn't stand living in an environment that was so negative to who I really was. I literally put myself in debt to get out of a oppressive regime, that in itself, was falling apart. And moving out is what I did.

WOW, that's all I have to say about moving out. My entire world was flopped upside down. From day 1 from moving out, I want to experience life like I wanted. But even then I was so afraid to take that first step. And it wasn't like the decisions that I made were conducive of the lifestyle I wanted to live. I went to a CC and that's like... almost the same thing as high school. This new life wanted to emerge, the oppressive lifestyle was gone and there I was. But I was really shaken by my family which made it so hard. I fought with myself everyday. I made promises to never tell. I wanted to force myself to get married and have kids. I was never going to tell anyone. I wanted to live a life by myself. The only one who was entitled to know was myself. I hated who I really was, I channeled the hate that I had felt from my family into my own life. I was beat by my dad for accidentally dancing with another dude. I was told straight in eyes that I would never be a man until I dated a woman. I knew what I had to do, I knew what I wanted to do, but I was so afraid to do it.

Shame, guilt, pain, that's all I could think of really. I had fights with so many people I knew, and I knew if that I could tell them the truth, this wouldn't be happening. But I thought that I was wrong as a human being. I distrusted myself. I buried myself in school work. I tried to occupy myself with whatever I could and tried to get away. But somehow, I always found a way back. It wasn't until just recently that I began to change my outlook on the whole situation. And I really have to thank this dude:http://www.youtube.com/user/SomeoneToShoutFor. It wasn't until that I began actively looking for others that I began to see myself, not as an outcast, but as an individual in a community. It was a great feeling to realize that I didn't have to be alone and slowly the fear began to subside. But was replaced with something else. For the longest time, I had always felt that my friendships were so unstable, and that anything I said could cause the balance to collapse and for me to really be alone. I couldn't rely on my family, and I didn't have any sort of lover because I didn't let myself. I fought with my friends often, so I just assumed that everything was superficial. I feared that if I told them the truth, freed the inner "me" that they wouldn't accept me. Again the battle raged forward, but this time things were looking up I guess. I began to picture the life that I wanted to live, and not the one that my parents wanted me to live.

And then it happened lol. Actually it wasn't that simple. Since I live in a place that belongs to someone else, the owner occasionally comes up and wants to use the condo that I live in. And on this particular occasion she wanted to spend the night and kicked me out and forced me to go with my mom. I was totally cool with this, but no one knew I did weed, which was a total problem cause I have some pretty dank weed and it was SMELLY. So before the owner came, I got all my weed crap out. I aired out the entire place, I had air fresheners and everything. I was totally legit. However, she still caught me. I don't know how, but while I was at work, she called me and told me to watch myself. I was so frustrated. I had done EVERYTHING in my power to prevent her from finding out the truth, but yet she had done it. And suddenly, it dawned on me. No matter how hard I tried, someday, someone was going to find out. Out of pure frustration, I told my oldest friend. He obviously didn't believe me at first, but after some angry texts (I was at work), I think I got my point across.

It was a weird feeling, having someone else know. But I wasn't like totally 100% like on board or anything, so I told him to keep his mouth shut and we were to never talk about it again. I wrote it on my blog then things kinda went downhill from there. I guess someone who I haven't spoken to in like years, found out through my blog and told the ONE person in the entire world I did NOT to know, and like the retard he is, he told another person. Taken aback, I had to do some major damage control, and I had a long night of explaining the same story over and over again. And I have a very close group of friends that I talk to on skype, and at the time that I was like "revealing" myself, I was on skype, so I was like "ahhh fuck it" and I told them. The damage was done and there is no going back. There are a grand total of 11(?) people that know (I really don't want to count that number, it's less than 15 but more than 9). Each person, has accepted me for who I am and I am really happy for that. I guess I picked a good set of friends and everything turned out better than expected. Did I want it to happen this way? No, but I made the most with the hand that I was dealt.

But now I am not like "Let's tell everyone!". Out of the 11 people that I told, I have actually only seen one person in person. I still fear that when we meet face to face, the judging will begin. I am afraid of my friends not wanting to touch me because I have some sort of weird disease. I am afraid of talking about it in person because of the weird awkwardness that might develop. I'm afraid of being with someone who knows the truth about me and someone who doesn't and letting it slip that I am "different". My family doesn't know. My family may never know. I may never tell anyone else. But for now I am content with who knows and I feel a little bit better. I hope that one day, I can attend a pride parade, and get more involved in the community that I am apart of. Next year, when I transfer, I am going to get involved in the LGBTQ community of where I am at.

I got accepted to UCI as a regent's scholar and with acceptance to the campuswide honors program. That basically means that I am in the top 2% of the people that applied. I am so happy to know that what I am doing in SB isn't a total waste and that I will be transferring. UCLA, the school I really want to go to, doesn't release their decisions until the end of April, so until then I will be waiting... But after the ego boost from UCI, getting accepted to PTK at SBCC, making the president's honors roll, I think I have a good shot :P. But ultimately, we will see.

[dirtyvloggerconfessionsrelo-blog]