Hot take— I think we give fan service of women in media too much crap sometimes but I understand why women, afab, or folk along those lines get so hyper vigilant about it.
I think it’s important to reinforce that women don’t exist for the male gaze or men’s validation. The problem is fandom tends to fall into HEAVY black and white thinking that clouds our judgement.
I have an issue when people see a conventionally attractive woman or a woman that even could be falling in the male gaze and immediately decide that she’s “goonerbait” or problematic.
In my opinion people who are involved in fandom discourse need to educate themselves more on how media literacy or social institutions like sexism work instead of depending solely on patterns they may not even know the full extent of. It could fuel a lot more interesting conversations!
Tl:dr Nuance good, please check yourself in fandom discourse
Also if you are going to publicly rant about sexism make sure you’re also checking your own beliefs for sexist patterns
I DIDNT EVEN HATE TAMBA THIS AGGRESSIVELY OH MY GOD ERINA
Like at the very least I have enough connection to the others to kind of sympathize with why they voted Daiki. I still don’t think it was okay but I get heard mentality can be a bitch in a killing game.
But Erina was being so insanely aggressive then after she saw the consequences of her actions DOUBLED DOWN
Maekawa is kind of doubling down too but I think she’s being held accountable by Shishikura at least so I’m not as mad.
vent post part 2 bc i hit the word limit! woopsues :p
take care everybody <333
TW/CW: breakup, moving, attempted suicide (not me), hopelessness, lots of sad venting
his mom responded, said everyone was okay and that my boyfriend was sick. i was confused bc he normally texted me no problem when he was sick, even when i would tell him to rest instead. i told her i was glad they were okay and to stay safe and take care.
fast forward, it’s the ninth day since i saw him in person. long story short, we called. he had texted beforehand that he was sorry he didn’t respond, a lot happened and he would explain. but he said he didn’t want it to change whatever decision i had made. i said okay. we called. i found out he had attempted to kill himself. he called the police on himself and was put into the psychward for eight days. i was glad he was okay, and he said that while the circumstances sucked- he was glad he went. he needed that time for himself, needed to talk to a professional. i was proud he was getting help. but we continued to talk, i clarified some things and we talked for two hours. the call ended with my verdict being: i wanted him to decide whether he felt he was in a good enough headspace or not to pursue a relationship. i told him it would be hard work, that things would be awkward for a long tiem, that i didnt forgive him for what he did, but that i loved him and was willing to work things out if he was ready for that. he admitted to being scared. j told him it was okay, i told him to take the time he needed to take care of himself and make whatever decision. the call ended on alright terms, we didnt text for a few days. at the time i had told him that taking a break was an option.
but then i found out i was moving. it was very sudden, but it was too good of a deal for my parents to refuse. we needed more space, and we needed to get out of LA. i texted him that, saying that it might impact his decision so i thought i would let him know.
we called the night after that text after i ate dinner. he said he wanted a break because he wasn’t in the right headspace. i said that i was proud of him for being honest. i also said that because im moving, and because to me it feels like the healthiest option for both of us, that the best decision would be to end things on a good note. i said that i didn’t want to put so much hope on a maybe, only for him to move on during that time while i held on to him. i said that it didn’t mean i would ignore him, or that i didn’t love him, or that things couldn’t change in the (far) future. i said that right now, the best decision feels like ending things on a good note. he said that made sense. we cried a lot. im going to (hopefully) see him tomorrow to return his favorite hoodie, and get in a final goodbye. because even though he’s now my ex-boyfriend, he’s still someone i considered my best friend. someone i care about. i told him i’d be there if he needed me, but that i didn’t think we’d be talking regularly for a long while. that things would be awkward. he said okay. we called for an hour that time. i laughed with him for a bit, and it felt good. having one more normal conversation. i ended the call. i’ve sobbed because of my chronic pain, but it’s been a long time since i’ve cried so hard because i felt so hurt and sad. i know it’s over, but i miss him. i miss us. i have all his gifts and it hurts to look at them, but i dont think i can throw them away. i might have to get a bigger memory box because there’s so much in there now lol
over the calls and stuff, i worded myself a lot better than im typing rn. im just elly hurting and needed to vent before my brain shut off for the week (idk HOW ima do homework). im glad things ended how they did, but it doesn’t take away how much i love him. but i have people supporting me. so i know i’ll be okay, in the end. but i just needed to dump all my stupid thoughts and feelings somewhere, and this is the only place that i feel like i can vent and yell out into existence without him seeing it and getting the wrong idea.
now ima go sleep, bc im exhausted. spent all day packing stuff up. take a pic of my cat and sumn my mom got me a year or so ago to make me smile.
if anyone made it this far, ty for reading my rants even tho u didnt have to. i appreciate u listening, whether u comment or not. <33 much love to everyone and stay safe. things will get better. even if it feels fucking hopeless right now, things will get better. stay strong everyone <3
vent post bc the world is shit and my life is seriously going downhill so quickly
take care everybody <3
CW: political talk, feelings of hopelessness, a cheating partner, breakup, moving, tiktok shit, chronic pain
trump is seriously gonna be president. again.
i had been hoping, praying to whatever god would actually listen, that something would happen and change this. give the US a little more time. i knew it was unrealistic, unlikely, but i still hoped for it. and now i don’t know what to do, because how the fuck are any of us gonna survive this?
how am i supposed to go outside knowing a convicted felon is the one pulling the strings to strip away my rights? how can i feel safe outside, or inside, when being my truest self could lead to something as extreme as the end of my own life?
i’m 17, and scared shitless to be existing right now. I turn 18 in april and i just feel si hopeless man.
and then the tiktok ban. it was stupid to try and ban it in the first place, but when that one guy tried to get them to at least add an extension i held out hope that maybe we could get a little more time. but then it went through, and it hit me that so much of my information came from there. it’s so hard to keep up with everything going on and i followed so many tiktokers that explained things in digestible ways so i could process it and find out what to do. not to say i didnt do my own research, but seeing tiktokers make five minute videos with documents and legal things to prove their point- just, so much shit that i learned would be lost. And then it gets unbanned, and it feels like it was just a scare tactic to lure us into a false sense of security. And the fact people are thanking trump. HE SUGGESTED BANNING IT IN THE FIRST PLACE!!! He knows what he’s doign and he makes me sick.
and it’s so easy to tell that tiktok has changed. i saw someone use the analogy: “it feels like someone came into your room and took or changed something, but you have no idea what it was.” and just..it applies, but we also kinda know what changed. tiktok was probably bought out by meta. the ads, the algorithm suppressing important information, tiktok giving notifications for people to “check their sources” or something when they try to share a video talking badly about the government or other stuff— what happened to freedom of speech, yk?
and even all of that stuff aside, my own life feels like a mess.
my counselor messed up with my transcript and apparently when i switched midway through a year to online and it took me out of French, they gave me 2.5 credits instead of the full five. But then the counselor was like “well actually, it doesn’t cpunt at all bc we don’t do half credits so we’re lowering you back down to 190 credits.” I get why, but also HUHH???
i did the class! why would you lower the credits and fuck me over so now im doing classes i wasnt prepared for! and its worse bc my counselor told me last year in 11th (or the first semester of 12th i don’t remember) that my transcript was fine! that i was AHEAD! on track to graduate with everything i needed. and now in my second semester, they’re piling two more classes onto what i had been prepared to deal with. yes, four classes is the aaverage that a student will take- but that’s not the schedule i had prepared myself for. i shoulve only had modern lit and psychology B, but now i have to take photography A & B. I know it’s not hard and it could be worse but it’s so fucking frustrating.
i’m in a shit ton of pain, and everyday i just feel more hopeless. i got two weeks off of outpatient physical therapy, occupational therapy, and talk therapy (aka POT- my mom came up with that, i love her)— and yes, i slacked bc of the holidays. but i was also out socializing with family and my (ex)boyfriend! it was different, but i still did shit! i went to the aquarium, and then walked around on fucking beach right afterwards, and then went on the swings by the parking lot for the beach and aquarium! i know that’s just one example, but i’m trying so fucking hard man and it’s hard to try and keep telling myself that “this takes time, they said there’s no timeline but that movement should eventually help decrease the pain” - all it’s done and continued to do is make my pain worse, making it so hard to function and want to do anything. but i still push myself! i still do it! and now i’m here in bed after doing so much today and feeling so utterly hopeless about getting better. it’s been five fucking years of dealing with pain this bad, with the pain only getting worse. i want to feel better, i want to not hurt. i’ve tried so many medications, natural remedies, acupuncture, massages, oils, CBD, ketamine (with doctors permission ofc), and nothing has helped. nothing. it’s so hard to even get out of bed everyday knowing that everything is going to be ten times worse by the end of the day. i try so hard to think positively, to keep a healthy mindset, to tell myself it WILL get better. but it’s so hard to keep that up when everything in my body is just going against that. i want to give up so badly, i want to just stop existing for a bit. to stop hurting. but i have my family, my cats, my snake (i call them my child), my couple close friends. i want to keep trying for them, but it gets so hard. hard in ways i can’t explain. wveb typing right now is so painful, but i need to get all this off my chest.
oh, and then to add to the mix- my boyfriend cheated on me! i’ve dealt with shit in the past, harassment online and (partially) in erson- i’ve explained this to him. he knows that. he said it was okay and he’d take things at my pace. i tried so hard to not let my psst experiences get in the way of our relationship. to not be that person who gets jealous at every little thing. my boyfriend (who is bisexual) had always played around with his friends in a “bromance” kinda way even before we started dating. he always checked with me though, said if i was uncomfortable that he’d stop acting like that or making those jokes. i told him it was okay, that i trusted his judgement on when something went too far. a year and change of dating later, he tells me he had a sleepover with his friends. they were texting people online (men specifically) and “pretending” to be gay— even though my boyfriend is bisexual, but he was just goofing with his friends. i don’t exactly approve of that or think it’s right to fish like that online, but it happened and i didnt know abt it until after. but he texted me and said (paraphrasing from memory)“hey, yk how we’ve talked abt getting sugar daddies before? well i met this guy with my friends who says he’d pay money to talk and hang around us- he lives in london (i think) and he’s actually a bit younger than me. i’m just messing around with my friends but i find this guy actually interesting. would it be okay if i kept chatting with him as a friend? ofc u can say no, and if ur uncomfortable then i’ll stop right away.” and i said “no, i trust ur judgement- ik u know when something has crossed a line. just be careful bc this guy could (obviously) be some rlly old creepo or whatever” fastforward a few days and i havenrly heard from my boyfriend. happens sometimes, he gets busy with school and i get busy. we always send each other reels and text on and off, but he’s never seemed to mind it. we text when we can, yk? i do online school and he does in person. finding time can be challenging. but he texts me and says “hey, i need to talk to u abt something. can we hang out soon?” — not an uncommon occurrence. usually when he says something like that he needs to talk abt something that happened at school or with his friends or with his family just to get it off his chest. i always listen and support however i can, i try my best- i can’t solve every problem but i’ve always, always offered to listen. i told him “okay, we’ll hangout sunday at my place”
on sunday, the hangout was normal. we chilled at first. my parents were upstairs in bed, my sister was at work (i think), and my brother was gaming upstairs on the PC. so, as it usually ended up, it was me and my boyfriend on the couch in the living room cuddling. we just watched reels for a while yntil i turned off my phone and said “okay, what did u wanna talk abt?”
me and him have never really argued badly. i like to think we did a decent job at communicating with each other. not perfect, but decent. we have disagreements, discussions, but never arguments. me and him dated back in 7th grade, both very immature and not ready for a relationship— things happened and then he rekindled our friendship during quarantine and once i had ended things with my boyfriend at the time and he eventually ended things with his girlfriend at the time (who cheated on him, i believe? i cang remember)— we ended up dating. it just happened, and i was so happy.
so tell me why my boyfriend sits on my living room couch, hiding his face in my lap and saying that he’s confused about his feelings with the guy he’d been chatting with. he says that he’d been talking with him since the sleepover, that he might like him but wasn’t sure. that some of it felt fake and some of it felt real.
me nor my boyfriend have been in a same-sex relationship before, despite being interested in people of any gender identity— never seemed to be a problem, we talked abt pretty ppl abd characters and everything was fine.
i was calm, i listened and when he was finished i said “okay. i’m not sure how to feel about this. would it be okay if i read the messages between you guys?” he said okay and gave me his phone. i scrolled to the top of his messages with this guy, since the sleepover he had. i read all the way to their most recent text, two days before my boyfriend went to my house to see me. i was really..hurt. i was crying, but i was quiet. i read the messages between them. so much of it reminded me of how he was when he messaged with me, of how he was when he’d tiptoe around his feelings when we were first crushing on each other. he sent this guy a picture of himself in a cute shirt he liked, a crop— with the intention of it being something for the other guy to look at in a romantic manner. nothing explicit, as far as i recall, but still suggestive. i asked him what he wanted to do. i asked if he wanted time to figure himself our. if he needed space. i asked if he really liked this guy. i told him that if he did, that we should end things; because i love him, and i want him to be happy. and if that’s not with me, then that’s okay. i just needed him to be honest. even if it hurt. he said he wasn’t sure. i wasn’t angry, i told him as much, i was hurt and disappointed. i wasn’t sure what to do. i asked if he wanted to go home. he said “what do you want” i told him “im asking u because i don’t really mind either way. i’m personally partial to u staying bc even though this is rlly shitty, i missed you. i want to be around you.” he stayed until my sister came home and drove him home. the whole time i acted like notbing was wrong, made jokes about it, cuddled him. i got into the front seat as i always did after dropping him off (bc i sit in the backseat with him to be close to him). i sat down for a bit. my sister asked if i was okay and i couldn’t even rlly respond. she asked again and i said no. i started crying. we had planned to pick up boba for dessert. she parked in the parking lot of the little corner area where there’s shops and then a Tea&Me. i told her everything. she thought at first i meant he was talking to someone at school, said she wasn’t justifying it but me and him didn’t talk much— didn’t see each other much. i said “but this guy lives in london! he met him online!” and she was just like “….i know it’s bad timing and ur upset, but my sister urges make me want to go punch him- ik all of his addresses.” after talking with her it helped, a little. was the first time where i was like “..man, maybe this IS cheating.” the bext day was a blur. i did nothing but sit on my phone, shut everything out. The next day I told my parents individually on separate car drives to get some stuff. Both supportive of me, they’re truly amazing and im blessed to have such understanding parents. but after speaking with both of them, each time it finally really hit me that “wow. this man i put so much trust in, so much faith and love, cheated on me. he CHOSE to do that. chose to text him every day until two days before he would see me. Texted him that night, nothing the next day, and then nothing the day he saw me. I texted him a paragraph after talking with my parents and sister that i needed time to think and make a decision. that i was hurt and that it’s finally hit me that he rlly cheated. i talked to my sister 7 days after i saw him in person. talked a lot again when she asked if anything happened. i asked what she would do if she were in my shoes, and she made some good points. i talked to my therapist 8 days after i saw him in person. Told her about what happened, all my taljs with my family and the talk i had with my sister the day before. She advised me the best she couod. throughout these eight days, he hadn’t texted me at all. i know i said i needed space, but he didn’t even check in. i texted him when the fires started in LA, said i hoped ge was okay. no response. texted him again maybe two days after? no response again. my sister said “why dont you text his mom” so i did, bc i was concerned abt him and his family. (reached word limit)
