Some More J X Thad Incorrect Quotes
(A sequel to these two posts)
Uzi: J, takeout the trash.
J: Sure. (Turns towards Thad, batting her eyes) Hey, Thad, will you go out with me tonight?~
J: (Kisses Thad on the lips)
Thad: (Is caught off guard, but quickly reciprocates the kiss)
J: …Did you steal my chapstick?
J: My chapstick, Thad. Did you steal it?
V: J, for the love of God, not this again.
Thad: I- No, I didn’t steal your chapstick. We use the same chapstick.
J: No, there is absolutely no way we use the same chapstick, because it was only sold on one JCJenson shop two years ago and they discontinued it, and I loved it so much that I bought the last of their stock, and I keep it in my freezer so it doesn’t go bad. It’s been discontinued for three years. No one else uses the same chapstick for three years. So unless you’ve been eating a whole fuck ton of something that’s flavored like chocolate and popcorn, you absolutely stole my fucking chapstick.
Thad: Chocolate and popcorn?
V: Why do you think it got discontinued?
Lizzy: Hey, J, are you free on Friday? Like around eight?
Lizzy: Great! Because I’m not. You two go out without me. Enjoy your date! (Saunters off)
Thad: We should get you to a technician for a check up immediately. What if it happens again, and there isn’t anyone around to help you? What if it’s congenital? Oh my God! Was it me? Did I hurt you?
J: …You realize any other person that made their partner overheat in bed would simply feel really proud of themselves, right?
J: Look, I know you think my judgement’s clouded because I like Thad a little bit.
Uzi: (Holds up J’s Ruled Murder Drones Notebook) You doodled your wedding invitation.
J: (Dismissively) That’s our joint tombstone.
Uzi: (Sarcastically) My mistake.
Thad: I would never say that my girlfriend is a bitch and I don’t like her. That’s just not true… my girlfriend is a bitch and I love her so much!
Thad: J is too tall for me to kiss her on the lips. What should I do?
Lizzy: Punch her in the stomach. Then, when she doubles over in pain, kiss her.
J: No to all of those! Just ask me to lean down!!
J: I want someone to take me to art museums and make out with me.
Thad: (Flirtatiously) But they say not to touch the masterpieces~
J: (Equally flirtatious) Well somebody's got to pin the artwork to the wall~
Uzi: (Looks away in disgust) Ugh…
J: You are the love of my life and I would do anything within reason to make you happy.
Thad: I would be happy if you ate, kept your software up to date, and got a reasonable amount of sleep.
J: I said within reason, Thad. How about I murder that guy? (Points at Chad)
Thad: So murder is in reason, but proper self care isn’t?
J: Well, duh. What kind of question is that?
Thad: Can I have 2 straws with my drink?
Thad: With 2 straws, I can drink it twice as fast!
J: (Looks at him, thoroughly unimpressed)
Uzi: (Glaring, her Solver at the ready) What have you done with Thad?
J: Nothing. Why? (Leans forward, smugly) Do you have suggestions?~
(Uzi throws a barrel at her)
J: I dare you to kiss me.
Thad: (Passionately makes out with J)
N: He said “truth”, right?
Thad: What do you want to be for Halloween?
Thad: (Blushes profusely)
Uzi: …Yeah, that would be pretty scary.
N: (Trying to make small talk) So… How long have you and Thad been together?
J: (Blushes heavily) No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Thad and I are not together. No. No.
N: (Unimpressed) …Really? Sixteen “nos”? Really?
V: Why do you look like that?
J: (Laying facedown on the floor) Like what?
J: It’s because I’m dying. Leave me here to perish.
(V looks questioningly towards N, who is standing awkwardly off to the side)
N: …She accidentally called Thad “babe” in front of everyone today.
V: (Tries to suppress her laughter)
Lizzy: Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!
Lizzy: Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!
V: Okay, we want to hear everything. Lizzy, get the crude oil and shut off your phone. J, does this end well or do we need tissues?
J: Oh, it ended very well~
Lizzy: (Walks back into the room, crude oil in hand) Don’t start without me! Do not start without me!
V: Okay, alright let’s hear about the kiss. Was it a soft brush against your lips or was it like a, you know, “I have you now” kind of thing.
J: Well, at first it was really intense, you know? And then, oh God, and then we just sort of sunk into it.
Lizzy: Ohh… So, okay, was he holding you? Or was his hands on your back?
J: (Smiles fondly) First they were on my waist and then they slid up and then they were in my hair.
Thad: And, uh, then I kissed her
Uzi: (Thinks on it) Tongue?
J: (Wildly shaking N by the shoulders in a panic) WHAT THE FUCK I WAS ARGUING WITH THAD AND I SAID “OOH YOU WANNA KISS ME SO BAD” AND GUESS WHAT? HE DID. HE KISSED ME. WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT DO I DO!?
Uzi: Hey, what have you two been up to?
V: We were helping J write her vows, but she kicked us out because Lizzy was making inappropriate suggestions.
Lizzy: How is “Thad, I love your sweet ass” inappropriate?
Lizzy: Ah, yes. Here we have a beautiful couple…
N: (Hugging Uzi) I really care about your feelings!
Uzi: (Cupping N’s face in her hands) I really care about YOUR feelings!
Lizzy: (Turning her head) …and then there’s the disaster couple…
J: YOU NEED TO PAY MORE ATTENTION TO ME INSTEAD OF BEING AT THE HOSPITAL!
Thad: I WOULDN’T HAVE TO SPEND SO MUCH TIME AT THE HOSPITAL IF YOU STOPPED INSISTING ON FIGHTING EVERYONE WHO COMES WITHIN A FIVE FOOT RADIUS OF YOU!
J: (Threateningly) I’m this close to falling in love with Thad.
N: Uh, your fingertips are touching.
J: (Her eyes narrow) Exactly.
Thad: (Laughs) Babe, you had a crush on me? That’s embarrassing-
J: (Flatly) We are literally married.
Thad: I think I just figured something out. I got to go.
J: Aren’t you forgetting something?
Thad: Uh… oh, right. (Kisses her on the mouth before running out)
J: (Blushing profusely) No, pay your bill! Damn, who raised you?
Thad: (Jokingly) The sky.
Uzi: (Annoyed) No, I meant like, what are you doing?
Lizzy: (High-fives Thad) Nice.
Uzi: (Rolls her eyes) Ugh…
Thad: Your pretty, your smart, and your ignoring me, so obviously your my type.
J: (Looks up from her status report) I’m sorry- what were you saying?
Thad: (Grinning widely) Perfect.
J: I’ve been dropping him the most insanely obvious hints for like a year now, and still no response.
Thad: Wow. He sure sounds stupid.
J: (Lightly blushing) But… he’s not. He’s actually really smart, just… dense.
Thad: Maybe you just need to be more obvious? Like, I don’t know… “Hey! I love you!”
J: (Her blush intense and beads of sweat appear on her visor) I- I guess you’re right. Hey Thad, I love you.
Thad: See, just like that!
J: (Frustrated and blushing heavily) Holy fucking shit.
Thad: If that flies over his head, well I’m sorry J, but he’s just too dumb for you.
J: (An “are you serious” look plastered on her face) Thad.
J: Just a minute V. I have to take out the trash.
Thad: (Just walked into the room) Oh, we’re going out?
