Personal stuff is about to happen, read with caution. I mean, let me just whine in peace okay?
I disappeared, well, not really, because I was reading my comfort fics, but I kinda isolated myself because this is the best coping technique I got, since I don't really like myself when I'm this stressed.
I was super anxious lately, mainly because of work, but my adhd/anxiety symptoms were also troubling me.
Why work? One may ask. I mean I have a job in this economy, I should be thankful and that's true. I feel ungrateful for throwing away something (spoiler alert!) because I can't appreciate my "luck". I got my fair share of "are you stupid?" so I'm kinda used to it already, lol.
I quit. The reason is, I didn't see the purpose of me sitting in front of a computer and waiting the hours to pass. My anxiety was raging, because of the utter disgust I had to bear because of boredom. I hated the fact that I didn't have anything to do, and it killed my soul day by day. I gave up on many hobbies because my mental health was crumbling. I lost myself; and though I had some good days, the bad days still outshone the better ones.
Many years ago I also felt this purposeless, good for nothing, but felt guilty for not being more appreciative and grateful: I was in a prestigeous university, studying something absolutely useless- at least for me.
It's tough when one wants something else than the people around them would expect. Anyway, I was fading back then, all I could see was boredom. And I hate boredom, I NEED something to do. Yeah, uncontrolled adhd is the best! Back to the story!! So, my friend said: "Never settle for less than you deserve!" That's a simple sentence, right? Nothing dramatic, nothing extraordinary, just a simple advice. And ooh how it moved things in me! Ironically that's when I decided to go to another university and study something else.
Yes I know, what I did was stupid. But trust me it's about to turn better!
So, before I decided to quit I was already hunting for jobs. (See I'm not that stupid) I got some calls in the meantime, maaaany refusals as well. Currently 3 company said that they want me and called in for interviews. All of them seem creative and interesting enough for me to start over. One is specifically something I really really want! So fingers crossed they want me after the second interview as well.
Whoo that was dramatic...oops.
Anyway, I'm currently enjoying all the freetime I have, trying to get into my old hobbies while searching for new ones.
Yes I neglected writing and I feel so bad because I had so many good ideas- at least now I see it!- but due to my horrible mental state I decided not to write them because "oh, it's shitty anyway". They were not shitty!!! Pfuuh I'm so mad at myself for letting things to escalate THIS far.
So, I'm feeling determined now, might get a new job in the near future, definitelly gonna write a ton of fics and never ever going to settle for less than I deserve.
Edit: As I'm writing, l my heart is beating with excitement again. I missed this feeling.
