#tam.

[genocidalfetus]

WIP whenever

Thanks again for the tag @andthekitchensinkao3

A little peek into my next chapter. Post-coital sappy talk from the big bad Qunari Grey Warden(yes, this chapter is smutty but no smut for you until it's uploaded)

You see this? TAG!

[ruinedsword]

what kills me better fucking run because i’m coming for you.

[victor-manuel-olivos-reyes]

[rhysford]

We Say Goodbye Today To The BEST of Cats, Tam.

Yesterday while I was in mid-flight, Tam Kitteh crossed over a line where decisions have to be made. These are always difficult conversations but in the end, they have to made. So this morning, my sister and her very good friend took Tam to the people who gave him the best of care during his twilight years and now have helped him across towards peace, happiness and probably all the shrimp and Greek yogurt a large black kitten could need.

I will miss him. He was named after a legendary Irish bard and could beg every bit of chicken out of your hand with his enormous yellow eyes. He was the best of pygmy panthers and one of the sweetest cats ever. Not one for cuddles, he would come and visit, ask for some love and then saunter off because well, he is in all things, a roaming, loving bard.

He is going home to be with his sister, Neko who has probably been missing him tremendously.

I hope they finally learn to share a bed, because for whatever reason… Tam always seemed to find that ONE spot she felt was the best and she deserved.

I will so totally miss him. He’s been with us for eighteen years, through thick and thin. And I loved every moment we had him in our lives.

from We Say Goodbye Today To The BEST of Cats, Tam.

[grimauxiliatrixes-archive-blog]

julien cis male pansexual, panromantic

tam agender/gender neutral (he/him or they/them) pansexual, demiromantic or aroflux

avery cis female (mostly) heterosexual, biromantic + somewhere on the aro spectrum (wtfromantic probably)

[grimauxiliatrixes-archive-blog]

julien // alrighty so julien is such a romantic in so many ways, but especially in terms of relationships he's like so full of love? like he falls in love easily and very often and he's basically in love with love most of the time seeing as he's been in a lot of mediocre relationships and few pretty bad ones. out of the trio, he's got the most exes (the infamous eight evil exes), who i haven't really figured out exactly. i know when he was still in high school, he pretty much exclusively dated girls though he was definitely not under the impression that he was fully straight even at the time (i like to think julien and rhett were each other's first gay experience). and then there was the sr year and there was avery (and, arguably, pietro). and then there was mercy. and then that whole fiasco was over, and julien dated charlive, and some other guys and some other girls. and at the time, if you'd have asked him, he would've just been like "sexuality: ?????" because he never really identified as straight even before he started dating boys, but he just never really identified as anything? anyway, then he dated nolan and that ended in tears. i guess throughout this entire time, he and avery and tam are all banging on the regular because that's just where their relationship is at (and he loves them more than anyone, but if julien's looking for anything it's a relationship and commitment and he's definitely the marrying type of guy, whether that ends up being to a man or a woman or anyone). so i think at this point, julien is still trying to date audrina (mostly because scott pilgrim plot). and then he kind of figures out he identifies as pansexual and he's very comfortable in that identity because julien always fell in love with everyone really regardless of gender??

avery // so avery's always been sexually explorative and really took her sexuality into her own hands very early on, like she always kind of knew what she wanted and didn't really confuse sex and love, and all that. so basically she slept with guys whenever she felt like it and that was all well and good. and then there was pietro, who was the first person she ever actually fell in love with, like romantically (because the first person she fell in love with was definitely tam, but that was fully platonic). and then he died and that ruined her. and then she went back to more of the usual, and then there was james who was her second serious boyfriend, lasted three whole years before they broke up. (and then there was nico, but that's also very much platonic and avery doesn't consider him a boyfriend.) and then she started dating carsen, and that's kind of where things change? because avery was always definitely open to sex with girls but it was never something she really acted on (and in general, she's not very sexually attracted to girls. romantically is another story.) so she dates carsen, and they have an open relationship because avery's definitely more into fucking guys than girls. i'm not sure if she's still dating carsen or not, but either way, with avery there's a very distinct difference between sex and love and romance, and they don't always line up. because sexually, she's more or less straight, though she has had sex with girls from time to time (and she's very into making straight boys crossdress, so make of that what you will). romantically, i'd say she's biromantic. and then there's the whole queerplatonic thing where she definitely loves tam and julien and nico, but not from a romantic perspective even though sex is involved.

tam // right so tam was sort of a late bloomer compared julien and avery who started having sex at 16 and 15 respectively. tam has sex for the first time at 17 and it was with avery and it was pretty unorthodox, in that he wasn't in love with her or even like in lust with her, he was just her best friend and he trusted her completely and figured since she had a lot more experience she could kind of show him the ropes so that when he did want to do it with someone he wasn't a total mess. and that was that. he was very much the unpopular kid in high school, so it wasn't until college that he was getting ass left right and center. (and by then it was all under the influence of booze and/or drugs so he wasn't nervous about flirting and asking people out and all that.) on a sort of similar not to julien, tam had never really thought about who he was attracted to in high school (mostly because he wasn't attracted to anyone really) and then in college it was just anyone and everyone. he never really had any serious relationships either, except jean-luc and arguably carsen. for him it's mostly just avery and julien now, and again it's more of a trust thing than it is romance. i guess tam was always okay with all genders, which kind of brings me to the topic of his gender. i never really considered it, but in hindsight i can see him not really identifying as male or female, but he's not agender either. like he's really just, gender: ????? he doesn't really give a shit about pronouns, he/him is fine with him because he's used to it what with being dmab. i guess he's more accurately postgender anyway.

[grimauxiliatrixes-archive-blog]

you spend the better part of an hour shaking and swallowing down your nausea. avery, with her head tucked into the crook of your neck and her arms wrapped around your waist, says, "you know you don't have to do this now."

"no, i do. it's important."

she hums. "you're right, it is important. but you don't have to do anything you're not ready for."

you don't reply. swallow hard in response.

she says, "do you want me to come with you?"

"yes. please."

///

avery holds your hand while you ring the doorbell. squeezes gently when your breathing gets uneven. 

jean-luc opens the door. lucky. you try to think of it as lucky. take your small miracles where you can get them these days. jean-luc grins and you manage a shaky smile. "hey, guy!" he goes in for a hug. stops when you back out of his vicinity.

"is alek home?"

"no, why?" lucky.

"i need to talk to you."

avery lets your hand go, says, "do you want me to wait outside?" you nod. she taps her ear, and you nod again.

you step into jean-luc's apartment. he shuts the door behind you, asks, "are you okay?"

not really, you tell him. you pace a little. your hands shake. you wish you'd had a drink or ten like you always did at jean-luc's apartment, you wish you could get that comfortable again. (but, you tell yourself, a drink or ten means you don't have to deal with your emotions. and that's the whole problem.) you pace a little more, and the whole apartment has a somewhat threatening air to it now. you can't bring yourself to sit.

you look at jean-luc and your chest gets tight. "i have a problem. a drinking problem." the room gets hot. your stomach churns. "i had a drinking problem long before we met. and i didn't destroy any families or anything, but i probably got close." you inhale a big jagged heave. "i... put myself in danger. i blacked out a lot and ended up in... completely other universe. for weeks sometimes. it was irresponsible. i was irresponsible." your face gets hot. your eyes well up with tears. "i didn't want to deal with my shit, you know my life and my feelings and whatever--" (you think: i don't have to explain this to you. but you do.) "-- so i drank until it didn't matter. and then i picked up smoking and binge eating. and it was all okay because it was funny. because i made it funny. because i made the jokes. but that didn't make it okay." your chest gets tighter. constricts around your lungs. your heart beats fast. "and now i'm trying to get better. i fucked up and i'm trying to make it right again. that's why i have to tell you this. that and because i love you. i really mean it, fully sober." tears stream down your face without your permission. "and our whole fucking relationship was based on drunk me. and, you know, that's not right. you know what i mean?"

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