#teraphy

[mega-mag]

[halsyondayz]

So what I'm feeling at the moment is...well complicated.

I have no idea why I'm sharing my deepest thoughts on this app, I mean I barely use it nowadays, but since it holds a special place in my heart I decided to do it anyway.

I find it hard to express myself and find the right words to put all of my thoughts in one place but I will try my best, hoping that one day when I look back at this, my life will get better and this text will become just a ghost of my past.

Life, my life has been nothing more than a bunch of mistakes and poor choices that turned me into a introverted, neurotic, anxiety-filled young adult. I'm not special, nor intelligent. I have nothing that separates me from your average human. And because of this I am unable to find my place in society, I have no idea who I am, what I'm doing most of the time and what I want from life.

I feel like a parasite sometimes because only by stitching myself to other people I can truly live.

I have no idea what is happening around me, my brain cannot comprehend it, I'm daydreaming most of the time anyway. Social interactions are very hard for me since I must synchronize my energy to theirs. I'm very good at copying.

I still have no idea who I am, what I'm doing most of the time and what I want from life.

I get really sad, really numb and i can barely feel anything. So once again I stitch myself to people in order to truly live.

Sometimes I get overstimulated from sounds, colors and people around me, so then I make myself really small and go back at daydreaming about what makes me the happiest.

Voices are too loud for me, the sound of your voice is too loud for me. Can't you speak in a lower voice? You overstimulate me.

And then I think to myself: "The thing that makes me the happiest is almost unreachable, too impossible to even achieve, most likely won't happen in this life time."

And that is the truth, because this happiness is most likely a fabricated thought with no substance and it only exists to help me get through hardships.

So in the end, I don't even know what makes me happy. Or what happiness even is, for me.

I keep telling myself that one day I will know who am I and what I am put on this earth but that day still didn't come.

I'm going around in circles and I'm going around in circles hoping that I can catch myself but I'm just going around in circles.

Life has never been this hard for me, I like to think of myself as strongwilled, but today is a day that rain reached my pillow and I cannot really tell if the pillow is wet from my tears or the rain?

This time, I dont see the light at the end of the tunnel because I think there isn't one, or I least I didn't created it yet. My blog was supposed to be a fun thing where I write about stuff that makes me happy, but I guess I'm doing this instead.

So once again, I belong amongst people, yet I need them to tell me how to live. Antithesis? No. Just my own stupidity.

I need help from exterior and I need to feel alive again, I need to feel like I can swim in that rain rather than let it drown me. I need a good laughter and a lot of money in my pocket. I want my bones to feel heavy after a day of work and as a lay in bed I make plans for all the places I want to visit.

I love money, truly love having them and spending them for my, my family, my house, my friends.

I love working for myself, for my ego and pride, for my body, for my growth.

I am a selfish person who didn't find her place in this world. I don't know if in 3 or 10 months from now I will now myself but I'm hoping to even make it that far into the future. I get really numb from time to time and I'm a stranger in my own mind, body, family and friends. Who is that person in the mirror? You? Me? An impostor? She looks like me, but I doubt it's me because why would she hurt us like this. The person in the mirror hates me and I hate myself.

I'm really hoping to be strong enough to survive so maybe I can catch myself doing wonderful things in this world.

My mother came into my room, she is the only person who comes into my room. I appreciate that and I hope that one day I can truly repay her and only her for everything. Not with jewelry or clothing or the latest product from her favorite brand. With mutual happiness and an abundance of constant succes.

Life, my life has become static, no matter what I do it's still very not alive. Is this a call for help? Maybe? Can you as a reader help me? No, you are probably going through the same thing, worse or you are in a good place and won't empathize with my feelings. Either way, the only one who can help me is myself. I love my independence and loneliness so much. I'm stitched to it and she is stitched in my foot like my own shadow.

I hope I found the right words to express my heavy thoughts and burdening feelings because once again, I suck at opening up and getting vulnerable. When I have enough money for teraphy, they will know about this. About everything.

I truly hope i said everything, I tend to forget things when I'm really sad. I spend a lot of time in my head so I'm very detached from reality. It's easier this way.

Are my words enough? Am i satisfied? Is my pain enough or do I need more of it?

If one of my friends gets to read this little text will they say: "But you are not alone in this, we have all been through this and it's not as bad as you think it is."

Yes they will.

They don't know my darkest thoughts.

I love them for being here anyway.

But they don't know my darkest thoughts.

I feel alone. My words are not understood.

Yes I am alone in this, the way we cope with sadness or numbness is different for everyone and yes it is bad. Let's just go out, have a marvelous time and tell eachother how much we love eachother. That's what you can do.

I don't see the day where I will get lucky or happy, it's still very far away from me. It better me tomorrow because all my pillows are wet from all the rain that surrounds my room. Or are they wet from my tears?

It better be tomorrow.

It better be tomorrow.

It better be tomorrow.

It better be tomorrow.

It better be tomorrow.

It better be tomorrow.

My pain better end tomorrow.

My life better start tomorrow.

[cristixication]

I wish I had been louder

I wish I'd have spoken clearer 

Now I can only stare at the ashes 

Watch me born again

[empresswellnessclinique]

DAY 2️⃣ Write in your planner: All is perfect, whole and complete

📌 GO FOR A WALK.FIND YOUR TREE 🌳 .Go to the park or to the woods. Breathe. Concentrate on your senses. Focus on it.Find your tree and embrace it. Give it a name, let it be your best friend to confess. Stop the world. This is your space.No one can disturb you.Take the burden off your heart.Relieve the tention of your body.Relax.Take your time. Feel how stressed and exhausted you are. That’s ok. You have a right to feel it. Close your eyes for a second and say to yourself: I leave here and give back to the universe all what doesn’t serve me and take the wisdom and strength from the universe to heal my situation and overcome my problems.Don’t analyze, just do it. Subconscious likes rituals.Treat yourself kindly. This is one of your new habits you will implement and improve each day, step by step.

[bellotaandina]

Hoy no tengo ganas de hacer terapia, así que mejor escribo.

[naswt]

27/04/21 12:51

bom dia. Hoje eu acordei bem, tomei meu café, mas ainda sinto que falta alguma coisa, não sei dizer o que é.

Não estou feliz, só bem. Talvez seja o suficiente, talvez seja suportável viver enquanto eu estiver bem. 

Tenho que sair hoje, porque já faz duas semanas que não saio. Tenho aula de dança, terapia e yoga. Acho que e costumava gostar de dança um tempo atrás, hoje já não sei mais, minha mãe diz que vai me fazer bem, mas eu não entendo porque me sinto tão angustiada quando tenho que sair de casa, não tenho vontade. Eu queria ficar sozinha, só isso. Nem é rebeldia de adolescente, só não me sinto bem perto de muita gente, me sinto sozinha, por mais que tenha muita gente, me sinto sozinha. Queria que essa angústia passasse.

[l-luvia]

i'm a full of insecurities, hElp

[ariel-villo]

Eu posso eu consigo

Eu sou, tudo que eu quiser

Ser ou voar