You know I kept thinking that maybe the House would like Cassian purely because he loves Nesta but... the House has seen all that Cassian has done. He literally watched her fall down some stairs and did absolutely nothing, he didn’t even check on her after it happened lol. So I headcanon now, just because it’s slightly more fun, that Cassian learns well and truly how much the House doesn’t like his bare minimum effort. When Nesta is turned away or leaves the room, there’s only Cassian and the beast who’s taken residence where Bryaxis used to live and it’s no less monstrous. So what is it doing? Losing his stuff. Dropping glasses. His weapons fall maybe a little too near his feet. Inanimacy? The House is very much alive and it is livid. In fact, the House thinks Nesta could do much better.
"If we want to thrive, the act of accessing joy right here, right now, is one of the first muscles to strengthen. There have to be things that we are happy about today, even if they are small. I maintain that this is a skill, because there is work required to conjure these up, especially if focusing on them is not intuitive to us yet. Don't worry if you're more used to spiraling or obsessing over what needs to change than thinking about the beauty. So am I. This very act is all about making new roads into yourself. Thoughts are magnetic. Begin practicing your awareness of the small things. They will make more of themselves, and they will save your life."
—Yrsa Daley-Ward, The How: Notes on the Great Work of Meeting Yourself
A/N: Strap on your seatbelts because this one has lotsa highs and lows!! Everyone might just be back to square one at the end.. (:
Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4 / Part 5
-------------------------------
Everything that could go wrong on Charlie's birthday, does go wrong.
One: I accidentally sleep in and by the time I'm up, Charlie is wide awake, playing with her stuffed animals on the edge of the bed while I hear muffled voices outside.
"Charlie when-what..." I check the clock, 9:12. Shit. "Charlie have you had breakfast already? I slept in."
Charlie shrugs. "Harry and Nana said to stay in the room."
I listen to what's going on outside, it sounded like balloons; I was supposed to get up early and get that done! I swear to myself. "Charlie stay here, I'll be back."
I do enough to look presentable and step out to the living room. Balloons and streamers cover every inch, surrounding a big birthday balloon in the centre, and a pile of gifts I'd kept hidden in Harry's linen closet ever since we got here are in a neat pile off to the side.
"Charlie said you wanted to sleep..." Harry says when he catches my expression.
“I...” I guess I did say that. I was still surprised she didn’t wake me out of excitement. “I meant to be up early and get started on all this thank you guys I...it looks...amazing. She’s going to love it!”
"It's nothing at all for my grandaughter," Harry's mom beams. "Bring the birthday girl out here!"
"Okay!" I squeal, excited for Charlie and trying to push away the guilt.
Two: Charlie doesn't look very excited. At all. I bring her out on my back, and although she smiles and thanks her Nana, she barely looks at Harry. She sticks by my side, and continues looking as somber as this morning.
"Something's upsetting her," I say to Harry as we reheat breakfast to bring it out. Charlie was being entertained by Harry's family at the table. "I don't know what."
"She's never like this," Harry agrees. We continue watching her interact with his mom. "Did she say anything to you?"
"No, she was so excited for her birthday yesterday. Do you think yesterday was too many people-"
"She loves new people."
"Ugh, I know! I tried to ask her this morning but she avoided the question. I don't know." I turn back to the coffee, watching the drip slow down. "Thanks for setting up this morning. I wanted to help but-"
"She's my daughter too." Harry says with a hand to my back. We stand silently like that, watching the coffee taper off before he speaks again. "I was up early anyway, I was excited to surprise her... I just wish we knew what was wrong."
"Are we getting breakfast anytime soon?" Gemma shouts out.
"Everybody but you," Harry calls out as he grabs the pot of coffee and heads out. I carry the plates and we settle around Charlie who perks up at the pancakes. But she's not as loud as she would be.
I try to ask her while everyone cleans up after breakfast but she stays mute on the topic. She get excitable with the presents again-presents I could only wish for as a child. She was spoiled, but loved. Everyone dotes on her, and I'm secretly glad Miranda wasn't in town. I knew Harry would've invited her otherwise. Although one of the gifts is from her, so in some way she was here whether I liked it or not.
Three: a tantrum thrown after lunch.
"I don't want it," Charlie pushes her food away. "I'm not hungry!"
I flush with embarrassment as Harry's family watches on. I was a mother who couldn't control her kid and they could all tell--they probably thought I was an awful mom.
"Charlie please," I beg. "We're going to the park after this, we can try your new scooter there. It'll be fun. You just have-"
"No!" She shouts.
"Charlotte," Harry tries his hand but she turns her back to him and crosses her small arms, shouting even louder.
"I'm sorry," I say to the table but they jump in, reassuring me it was fine which makes me feel worse. "I'm taking Charlotte to her room since she’s not being very nice, you guys enjoy the lunch without us."
I feel tears prick at my eyes. The hard part about being a single mom was always this: never feeling good enough. It was her birthday and I'd somehow screwed up. This was the reason for this whole trip and everything was going wrong.
I take her arm, and some deep breaths, as we head to the room where I sit her down and try to talk. That only leads to her crying like I was trying to rip Oreo right out of her hands. I hear Harry knock at one point but between trying to calm her down and not cry myself, I don't let him in. I finally get her to nap, so I close the blinds and turn the lights off. When I crack open the door, I’m surprised to find Harry sitting in front of the door. He quickly stands as I open it.
"I'm sorry," he whispers when he enters the dark room where our daughter naps.
"Why are you sorry," I sigh and lean against the wall, barely holding on. "I'm the one that screwed up somehow."
"No you didn't," he says immediately. "You're an amazing mum, Y/N. I'm the screwup, I didn't even know how to step in. I'm always the fun dad when she stays with me; I've never had to deal with this. You do it alone all the time. I'm sorry for...” Harry pauses, searching for the words. “for not being there."
All the frustration I feel swarms together, and I just cry, I don't even care at that point. Harry was right, I'd been doing this alone. And I was tired.
Immediately, Harry cups my neck and pulls me into his chest. I slip my arms around him like I’d done so often, many years before.
"She'll be alright, love." His words are something I know. But it was soothing to hear him say it. "M’sorry," he rubs my back in slow motions. "Just a bad day," he whispers again, kissing the top of my head. I don't know what was happening in the moment but I'm just too tired to put any energy into figuring it out. I listen to his reassuring whispers in the darkened room and believe him. I feel his lips brush hair, my temple, my cheek. I didn't realise until then how little I allowed this into my life. I was always trying to be the strong shield for Charlie. I missed being held.
Four: We move around each other, hands on hips, fingers threading through hair, lips on skin, cheek dragging against cheek; a wordless dance, him soothing, and me being soothed. We stop with our heads bowed, our foreheads touching; his hands cup my face, and our lips are a feather's touch away.
"I don't know how you do it Y/N," his thumbs stroke my cheeks. "You're phenomenal. And so beautiful. I let myself forget just how beautiful you are. But looking at you just breaks my heart sometimes."
The only sound in the room is our breathing, I can barely see his face in the almost darkness. His soft hands cup my face, his warm breath on my cheek. He was the only thing holding me up right now.
"Harry," I whisper the name that haunts me. His thumb brushes my lips. I sigh into his touch, leaning forward. He presses his lips to mine, softly and I time travel to a sweeter time.
When we pull away, I look into his eyes in the dim light but he keeps his eyes closed, saying my name in a hoarse whisper as he pulls me in again. I stop him though, I want him to look at me, see his eyes. Make sure he was okay with what we were doing right now, and he wasn’t just trying to relive the past.
"Y/N? Charlie alright?" A voice whispers from the sliver of open doorway. Harry and I jump away before we can go any further, and I wipe my cheeks quickly.
"Hi," I open the door wider, illuminating Harry. Gemma eyes him and then me. "We'll let her nap. Sorry about the fuss."
"Don't be. Will she be alright? Are you alright?"
"Yeah, we’ll be alright." I say. I lead everyone away without looking back. Lunch had already been wrapped up; I wasn’t as hungry anyway.
"Believe it or not Charlie is just like Harry was as a kid," Harry's mom joins the conversation as we settle with tea. "Big energy, big emotions. She'll be okay after her nap, you see."
"I hope so," I say. She pats my arm.
"I was probably worse," Harry tries to lighten the mood.
"Mmm yeah I think you were," Gemma scrunches her nose. They go off on one another, and I avoid Harry's eyes. Because in addition to the guilt I feel with Charlie, the guilt from what just happened is exponential. It eats away at me as I clean up, and any time Harry asks me a question and I have to pretend like nothing happened.
Harry’s family had only planned to stay the afternoon but seeing that we weren’t going to go out and we had our hands full, they get ready to head out. I wake Charlie so she could at least say goodbye.
"Are you going to behave?" I ask her once she's up. She gives a small nod. Her apology droops in her frown, and chubby cheeks. I hold her tight and accept it. When she returns, everyone is just as sweet and Harry’s mom was right. A nap settles her mood, and she kisses everyone goodbye. I notice she’s still cold to Harry and I still didn’t know why.
“And then there were three,” I say into the silence.
“Cake?” Harry asks me, I can barely meet his eyes as I nod.
We eat cake, and let Charlie be the centre of attention. Slowly she lightens up enough to head out as the sun dips lower in the sky. Harry carries the wine Miranda brought yesterday and a blanket, I hold the glasses and Charlie’s new sparkly ball while she tries out her scooter ahead. It all feels very normal. It’s almost funny.
We set up the blanket and pour the wine and watch Charlie make friends with a couple kids playing tag. I never wanted to hear her laughter as much as I did then, and hearing it as she ran around fills my heart.
“She’s got your laugh,” I turn to Harry. “Turns heads when she smiles.”
“You think?” Harry looks back out at our daughter, smiling at the idea. I hum in agreement and his smile splits into a grin. “And you think my smile turns heads?”
“Turned my head when we first met,” I shrug casually.
“Did it? This is the first of I’m hearing of it.” I can sense his giddiness.
“And this is the last you’ll be hearing of it.” I lean back, sipping my wine but I almost spill it as he lays his head down on my lap and looks up at me with his best puppy face.
“Please? I want to hear it.”
I look down at him, and remember how he used to love laying his head on my lap when we dated--he did it so often and I almost forgot that about him. I remember no matter where we were, he would just plonk his head down and continue on like it was normal, even when we were out with friends. I wondered if he did that with Miranda
A flick on my nose brings me back to the present and I roll my eyes. “It was at that party for something or some magazine, I don’t remember. I was touching up my lipstick or something in one of the mirrors and you were somewhere in the back. And you laughed at something your friend must have said and it caught my eye, I couldn’t look away. Especially since you were wearing this outfit that was so loud. So I turned around to really look at you-”
“Yeah I remember that night, and I saw this really attractive girl just watching me across the room. It was a bit creepy if I’m-ouch!”
“You’re not hearing anymore!” I throw back the rest of my drink and push his head off.
“I’m kidding! I’m just kidding, come on finish the story.” Harry sits up beside me, his body facing the opposite direction from mine so he can look directly at my face. He looked glorious in the golden sunlight--but I digress.
“You know the rest, you looked at me and I don’t know. I just knew I had to go over and talk to you. And you actually met me halfway, we really couldn’t keep our eyes off each other...and you asked if you could get me a drink-”
“Always a gentleman,” Harry interrupts and I roll my eyes again which Harry finds funny.
“The rest is history,” I motion to Charlie who was playing with the ball we brought. A bitter taste fills my mouth as the rest of the story replays in my head: moving to London, being head over heels, making it official. And then Hurricane Harry that followed when I found out I was pregnant.
“I guess I wasn’t always a gentleman,” Harry says seriously, as if he can read my mind. When I look at him, I can tell he does know what I was thinking--it must’ve shown on my face. We stare at each other, lost in time, until he reaches up to move a strand of my hair behind my ear. His eyes drop to my lips. I couldn’t do that, I look away and out to Charlie. She stands with her friends but she’s looking over at us. I wave and she slowly waves back, catching Harry’s attention. He turns around to face her and we sit in silence, watching Charlie until the sun sets and we head back.
My phone vibrates with a message as enter into the lobby. Marc. He was outside our door with Charlie’s present--we’d texted a few times since we bumped into each other. He understood we were keeping her birthday small with family but he insisted he get a present for her--and that I tell him exactly what she would love. I’d kept it a surprise for Charlie, knowing how much she adored him.
“Uncle Marc!” Charlie’s shrill voice echoes as she spots Marc with his wrapped box standing in front of our door. She drops her scooter and runs to embrace him. He scoops her up as if she weighed nothing.
“Hey,” I smile at Marc and he winks at me over her head. I notice Harry stiffening beside me, I guess it was just as much of a surprise to him as it was to Charlie.
“Harry, nice to see you again.” Marc greets Harry as Charlie slides to the floor with her new gift.
“Marc, didn’t realise you would be coming over.” Harry glances at me. “Did you want to come in for a drink?”
“No, I don’t want to interrupt family time.” Marc flashes his pearly whites. “Just wanted to make sure the birthday girl got her present in time.”
“How? How did you know it was my birthday?” Charlie looks up at him with wide shining eyes.
“A little birdy told me,” Marc taps his nose and looks up at me. I reach over to hug him, and whisper a thanks.
Harry unlocks the door but he doesn’t go inside. He watches as Charlie opens her gift, and I have to cover my ears from the high pitch squeal that comes out of her. I hadn’t seen her this lively since yesterday and suddenly I’m grateful for Marc.
“Thank you thank you! YourethebestuncleMarc!” Charlie hugs his leg and rushes inside to play with her new toy, past Harry who has now tilted the door open with one foot in.
“I think that’s the most excited I’ve seen her today,” Harry comments. “Thank you.”
“It’s nothing, she’s a good kid.” Marc looks over at me, raising his eyebrow. He wanted to talk in private. I look up at Harry who finally gets the clue.
“I’ll uh-be inside.”
“How’ve you been?” Marc ignores him and grabs my hand to pull me closer to him. Marc never forgave Harry for how he treated me; he seemed to be the only person in my life who didn’t tell me to forgive him. He was a true friend to me all these years.
“Exhausted, Charlie was in such a mood this morning.” I shamelessly drink his face in. It had been a while.
“Sorry I couldn’t drop it off earlier, the weekend before we publish is always a nightmare. I’ve had, minimum, 5 coffees today.”
“Sounds like you could use some relaxation,” I say suggestively, leaning my arms on his shoulders and locking my hands behind him.
“I could,” he licks his lips. “You know someone who can help?”
“I do, she’d have to check her schedule though.” I smile. His eyes scan my face, smiling back. As he leans forward, before he could kiss me, I break away and walk around him to the door, the smile never leaving my face.
“I should go back in, Marc. Text me when you’re free this week so we can get together.”
“Have you always got to be such a bloody tease?” Marc exclaims and I can’t help but laugh. It was fun being with Marc, he made me feel like the Y/N before I became “mom”. I could vent and complain and flirt and tease him like I was still a 20-year-old with no responsibilities. He made me forget for a bit.
I leave a kiss on his cheek and head inside. Charlie is playing with her new toys and Harry is cleaning up some of the mess from earlier.
“Thanks,” I tell him, helping with some of the wrapping paper.
“I didn’t know you and Marc still talk.” Harry says immediately.
“Yeah,” I say. The waves of jealousy rolling off of him are so strong they’re almost visible. Which was weird considering he had a girlfriend who showed up constantly. “He crashed at my place last year-”
“Yeah yeah, I remember Charlie talking about him a lot back when he took her to Disneyland,” Harry cuts me off. “I didn’t realise you two were...”
Harry doesn’t finish the sentence and it irritates me. What did he care? I don’t respond and head back out to where Charlie’s playing instead. She barely looks up as I do, too involved with her toys.
When Harry joins us eventually, he tries to sit by Charlie, picking up one of her stuffed animals. “Did you have a fun day?” He asks.
"Yes. Thank you," she looks up at him, staring for a bit, her gaze goes down to the toy he's holding. "But I don't want to play with you."
"Charlie," I scold. "Why-"
"It's okay," Harry puts the toy down casually but I see the hurt he feels. "She wants her space, that’s okay."
"No, now way. I'm tired of this." I put my foot down. "Charlotte, look at me." She turns slowly, knowing my tone of voice meant she was in trouble. "What's going on with you? Why are you being so mean to your dad?"
She stares at Harry, drops her toys and stands up. I warn her not to go anywhere so she stands with her bottom lip quivering. "I saw you!" She finally shouts at him. "Y-you-you don’t love us!"
Harry and I glance at each other, confused. "Of course, Charlotte I-"
"No!” She’s now officially crying and shouting. Her emotions all over the place. All I can do is stare as I figure out what was happening. “You don’t! Stop lying!” Charlie’s words hardly come out through her tears. Harry tries to comfort her, telling her he did but she pushes him with all the strength in her little body and tries to leave but I catch her in my arms.
“Charlotte, honey, what are you talking about?”
She looks crushed as she heaves, turning to look at Harry before crying out, “He had a-a-sleepover! With Miranda! I saw! He’s lying mom!”
“I...” I look up at Harry who actually looks panicked, oh hell no. I let Charlie go and she grabs her stuffed animal to go with her.
"What did she see?" I ask once Charlie’s out of sight, my voice shaking. "What is she talking about Harry? What did she see? Did Miranda spend the night?"
"Yeah?" Harry looks like someone pulled the rug from under him and he was trying to find his footing. "I to-I told you! She had an early flight today, she slept over so I could drive her to the airport."
"You told me about her flight not that she was-"
"Y/N, she brought her suitcase! You saw her come in! I-I told you! I swear!"
"You. Didn't." Things start to make sense and I'm furious. Especially because Harry was now shouting at me too. "You didn't. Because if you had, I would have warned you to keep your door locked! You know well Charlie loves to wake you up at any hour Harry. You know she does! And we both agreed we didn't want her to see certain things. And now she has! All day she’s been-because of this!"
I see clearly now how Charlie was up so early, our bedroom door open. She woke me up asking if he loved her.
As hard as I tried to explain to her our first day here, she thought her mom and dad living under the same place meant they were together. And Harry broke her heart by showing her how not together we were.
"Y/N," Harry tries damage control. "I would never do something like this on purpose. I was careful when Miranda was around to stay appropriate. I didn't mean for her to see that!"
"Well she saw it!" I shout. I wasn't interested in what Harry thought or meant. "Charlie saw it, when she was excited to spend her birthday with her family! The point is she saw it and she's been off all day because of that! Jesus, and here I thought it was something I did-"
"I'm sorry-"
"I'm the wrong person to say that to!" I explode. "Do you know what she saw exactly? She was up at 6--Harry...something really upset her."
"I...well we got up then. She must've just heard our voices and come up and..."
I dread Harry's answer as he trails off, "What?!"
"I...Miranda's leaving for the week so...we were just--it was nothing beyond kissing her, I-"
"Shit," I sit down and rub my face. Charlie rarely got this upset and now it made sense. "I can't believe this."
"She's my girlfriend Y/N, how-"
"Didn't really seem like you cared you had a girlfriend this afternoon," I shoot back. My side was always Charlie's, and I could set this place on fire right now with my how angry I was.
"Y/N, you and me, we have history. It’s complicated--we have a daughter I...I never stopped having feelings for you. You know that..."
"No, stop right there Harry. I don't know that, and why should I? It didn't really seem like you had feelings for me when I told you I was pregnant. When I left, and you looked relieved to be rid of me-"
"How about when I flew to LA a few months after Charlie was born? Made sure my mum came with so you knew Charlie had a whole family here? When I held her Y/N, I knew I made the wrong choice letting you two go but I wasn't going to yank you around like that. I didn't want to confuse things. I let you go and I've regretted it for a long time."
"Bullshit! You never said anything to me--and I mean anything. Until now."
I stand up, look him square in the eye. He kissed his girlfriend this morning, dropped her off to the airport, and then kissed me in the afternoon. The magazines were right about the kind of guy he way, and I was a fool to find comfort in him. I was weak, and I’d let him take advantage of that. He couldn't even tell me all those years ago that he wanted me back! If he had, I would've said yes in an instant. I know that. He knows that; I was head over heels for him. But i know, and he knows the truth. He still never ready for that commitment. So he never said anything.
"Harry,” I say, still angry, but now a calm kind of angry. “Of course you love your daughter. And maybe you loved me once upon a time. But you never said anything back then because you didn't want commitment. You were afraid of it! Even now, you commit to one girl, and kiss another. It’s so...classic Harry Styles."
"That's bullshit Y/N, I'm telling you the truth here. Stop bloody psychoanalyzing me and just listen. Listen, I'm telling you how I feel Y/N. I’ve changed. I’ve done a lot of growing up" He runs his hands through his hair, "Y/N I-I’m sorry...I just...I don't know what to do here."
"Well what's new Harry?" I snap. "You didn't know what to do when I told you I was pregnant, and you don't know what to do now. The only thing you know how to do, it seems, is break our hearts."
"Y/N! Y/N that's not fair..." I try to walk away but he steps in front of me, pulling my hands to his chest. "Y/N listen to what I'm saying-"
"Don't," I push him off and leave to find Charlie instead. She's sat in bed mumbling to Oreo. When she sees me she apologises, but I wasn't upset with her. Somehow it breaks my heart further to put my issues aside and slip into mom mode, so Harry doesn’t become the Bad Guy. I explain to her how much Harry loved her, how we were her parents and loved her a lot, but we were separated. I made sure she knew that although Harry loved Miranda, he would always love his baby girl infinitely.
"But I want him to love you too," she says to me after listening quietly.These were the times when Charlie’s naive perspective broke me a little, knowing how young she was and how time changed us all.
"He does love me," I smile through the heartache. "We had you, right? You're proof of how much we loved each other. Of course he does hon. It's just...a different love now."
"Okay,” Charlie pauses to think. “I love you the most," she climbs atop me and squeezes me. It was the only truthful thing I knew.
"And I love you the most," I squeeze her back. It was the only other truth I knew.
Five: I let myself down, getting swept up in a man who couldn’t commit to me again. And the same man let our daughter down even if he wasn't trying. He’d done it before and so he did it again. And I should’ve seen it coming. So ultimately, it feels like I was the only one to blame.
“Hey hon,” I turn to Charlie after a while, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. “Remember how we were supposed to live separately when we got here but there was the big mistake? We did that so your dad and I...so this wouldn’t happen...”
I quietly explain to Charlie, and ask her if maybe we could move out. She could still stay with her dad when she wanted. She could go wherever she wanted.
“Do we get to ride the train?” She asks at last.
“Yes, if you want.”
“Mmmm,” she puts her serious thinking face on and I give her her time. Finally, she shrugs. “Do we have to fly the airplane back home?”
“No, we’ll still be in London. Close by.”
“Okay.” She says simply before turning back to Oreo and her other stuffed animals. I let out a sigh of relief. Y/N from two months ago, who planned this trip, was a lot smarter than I am now. I had to channel her and look for a place first thing tomorrow.
it is honestly wild to me that when i make a statement of “underwire bras are uncomfortable” the first comment is INEVITABLY “have you ever gotten fitted. a well-fitted bra makes all the difference.”
...yes. literally more than once. worn the bras. still hated them.
it doesn’t have to be ill-fitting to be unnatural and invasive.
if you like your underwires, great! if you don’t experience discomfort, awesome! if you’re too self-conscious to not wear them, been there, bought the t-shirt, you’re totally fine.
but please.
p l e a s e
stop treating these devices that are explicitly pinching and lifting and holding our bodies in decidedly UNnatural ways, for nothing more than aesthetic, like they’re a part of some health initiative.
