Random Lucien Lachance Headcanon - kinda long though! But it's about his grief over Cheydinhal. Wanted to talk about it because I didn't know if it would show up in the actual fanfic I'm writing.
In writing the fanfiction, I have a Google doc where I just slap down random scenes that pop into my head (keeps my inspiration flowing and documents them for use later y'know?). I don't fully intend on using all of them, some are to just get into Lucien and other character's heads for a bit for characterization practice.
Regarding the Purification of Cheydinhal, I was trying to explore the scene and how Lucien dealt with the grief.
I wrote him returning to the Sanctuary after the deed was done, kind of in a cloudy dissociative state as he was trying to separate himself from the task at hand - getting rid of the bodies.
But the more he looks at everyone, and sees Ocheeva and Teinaava, the thoughts just overwhelm him - and though he was trying to be angry and feel justified (there was a TRAITOR after all, something Lucien has a personal grievance against is treason), he couldn't do it. A pitiful mix of trying to force himself to be angry but being unable to fight the tears and the memories.
He still did the job, bitterly and silently, and because he was trying so hard to disconnect a lot of the memories of the event feel like a miserable blur to him.
But when he returned to Fort Farragut, he fully broke down - a blinding grief-filled rage where he smashed his mirror to pieces. He wanted to feel hate for whoever the Traitor may have been in the Sanctuary, most of all, he hated himself. He felt weak and powerless but knew the Purification was necessary. He feels as if he killed his own children, his family, leaving him alone and vulnerable again living with the guilt.
I am KICKING MYSELF for not thinking of this while writing Chapter 2 and I may go back and edit it - I want to hint more to this silent anguish. His knuckles wrapped in bandages because he'd smashed that mirror? Not eating?? Maybe the Silencer noticing some splintered glass he missed when cleaning up??
Makes me like that moment where he gave into the Y/N's tenderness a bit more. He doesn't think he deserves compassion after the orders he gave you - but damn, when the door opened to him, he found himself in incredible need for some comfort. Some company. Loneliness is the last thing he wants to feel right there.
ALSO probably made him realize in that moment that uh. "No. This is it. I'm keeping you, I'm not losing anyone else."
On top of having to give you the order to kill the Cheydinhal family I know he lost his previous Silencer, described it as an "emptiness", so... His connection to the current Silencer (us and you) becomes a bit more personally fueled. He doesn't want to lose anyone else.
