#theparacosmicvoid

[theparacosmicvoid]

Greetings,

Has

a time in space

ever made you

tired?

[theparacosmicvoid]

iTold my therapist

“They live in the same house but they don’t hang out in the same rooms they’re like roommates”

after she remarked on the state of my relationship with

Emotion

and my

Physical Being

…it’s tough

There’s still a lot for me to learn

[theparacosmicvoid]

Things are so different…

I didn’t realize the tough things get easier with grounded repetition

At this point in time there’s diagnoses

Papa crafts his comparisons differently framed now by what my body can do

There’s grace here

There’s a heavy hallowed Silence sat with

Accountability

After a life of apologies

it’s refreshing to forgive again

[theparacosmicvoid]

It’s Saturday evening

Good Friday’s battle’s been won

Didn’t realize how much

I’d grown

to live with

Until the new meds wore off

Still went out

Still made six sales

Still made positive memorable connections

iEnjoyed

the community most

Felt such joy over seeing the pay off

of all that hard work

Despite the fear…

started the meds back again today

Smoking helps the violence of the pains

Still hopeful that things are going to change

Thanks for listening to me again

Hope you’re doing well out there

wherever you are

[theparacosmicvoid]

Today I woke up.

The usual nausea was provoked

to early morning retching

I’m glad the meds are working.

My right ankle and foot feel so different

to the point my gait has changed

again.

The porcelain throne

almost became my pillow

on the second go

my head feels so heavy

iFeel a little better now

by the window

blowing down a bowl.

[it’s wild how the right terpenes can help with almost anything]

[theparacosmicvoid]

Today I ate lo mein with fried tofu

Papa paid

It’s the first time ordering Chinese food since

learning

I’m allergic to seemingly every Old Testamently “unclean” thing

…

Since learning

I had known

something

all along.

Since showing providers years of evidence

and watching the concrete case

crumble away.

To have two neurologist

from two of the nations top facilities

agree

and

one finally prescribe the medication recommended years ago.

To come home with clarity and validation..

For years of tenacious research to finally pay off..

to be,

Vindicated.

I’m really happy eating my fried tofu lo mein.

I’m really happy.

I’m really thankful.

[theparacosmicvoid]

Mission Complete:

Timeline

Successfully

Restored

[theparacosmicvoid]

The funeral was a few days ago

Writing this, all things considered aside, the permanence of it all is nauseating to recall

This was the first funeral, in my history, where the body was viewed…

Kiddo asked me why her hands felt different when she put on her friendship bracelets

First thing out was that our bodies go through changes even after our spirits go home

She seemed content with the answer

Sitting and talking with one of her long time friends

it occurred to ask “how do you manage through funerals?” I’d never endured one with the plight of such presence

She responded “not well…not well” as tears started to well in both our eyes

Never had a gentle touch been so refreshingly reassuring with a lingering firmness that requested reciprocity

She went on to say, as she held my gaze, “you just hold on to hope”

All things considered, I couldn’t tell if the hope was for them or us

I thanked her for sharing, with a reciprocal touch

She looked as if she’d just jolted awake and remarked “you’re always so appropriate and polite” a kind remark that left me humbly quiet

She departed and as I looked around the room I reflected…what would I want to typify my existence once I’m no longer an active participant?

The service started

Amazing Grace was sang without harmony a breathy choir of strangers stumbling to juggle sheet music and keep tandem with the tempo of a cover song they’d never heard

I took a moment to sip some lemonade

The eulogy pricked my

Heart and

Prompted me to see

The moments I thought she didn’t like me were just us reflecting and projecting

Two positives butting heads

As the stories were shared

I realized she loved me just like them

Little messages and check ins

No complaints

Just a hug

Updates and encouragement

We gave condolences to the first two rows

and the procession began