Figuring Out the Right Identity
A few days ago I asked some of my best friends and my girlfriend to use they/them pronouns for me. However, this just hasn’t felt right either.
Let me tell you a little about myself. I’m 23 years old, live in Texas (and with my parents until July), taking a gap year before starting medical school, and assigned female at birth. You’d think by now I’d have my gender figured out. I don’t. All I know is that when somebody calls me a girl/lady/woman, or when I have to wear “girl” clothes, I feel hella uncomfortable. I’ve always felt like this, being a “tomboy” since I was young, but only recently have I thought about the label “trans.”
So (naturally?) I decided to start using they/them pronouns. I have been doing this with my acquaintances at school for over a year and a half now- but recently brought it close to home- kinda coming out to my best friends and asking them to use they/them pronouns also.
But it still doesn’t feel right.
For a while, my girlfriend has been referring to me a boy playfully- she will call me “Sir” and tell me I’m looking like a “handsome man” today. And I’ve liked it. So she keeps doing it (10/10 for supportive girlfriend right here!). And now I’m thinking- what if this is actually me? It has felt right with her- why not with others?
And man (pun intended), that’s hella scary.
So now I’m considering re-coming out (for like the 6th time- first Bi, then Gay, Queer, and most recently/currently Queer and NB/GNC). And that brings a lot of fears. What if I change my mind again? Especially after medically transitioning. And it was hard enough talking to my parents about how I am attracted to women- how will I ever explain my gender to them? Throw this into the context of large desi families and a huge community of aunties and uncles, including at our temple. Transitioning, especially medically, is not something that goes unnoticed.
Is this me? Am I a trans man?
I don’t know.
If it is, am I brave enough to face the challenges?
I don’t know.
This is where I leave the post for now. With a thousand tags- so hopefully people going through similar experiences may find comfort in knowing they aren’t the only ones with a million questions and fears.
Journal Entry 1: February 24th, 2019 at 6:47 AM
My journals will be tagged with #thetransdesijournal from here on out.