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Fat desi trans sapphics are gorgeous and worthy of love ❤

When I was 13 I had my first crush on a girl.

In my eyes she was beautiful smart funny and the whole deal. I was head over heels for her and almost everyone knew. But her. And I made sure she never knew. She was a dancer and I still remember the first time I asked her a question about bharatanatyam and her eyes lit up so bright and her smile got so big that for a minute I didn't hear her answer. It was a stupid question too, just about the hand things (mudras I later learned their called) I knew at that point she was straight. I also knew that I was trans. So I did everything I could to get over her. Her eyes her laugh the then foreign rhythms she'd tap out on tables that I still have memorized I can remember the time she taught me one thalam "ta ka di mi, ta ka ju nu. No not ju ju(r) There's an invisible r". Later I realized I couldn't date her. I couldn't even ask her. I was too afraid to loose her. She was way out of my league, she was in another ballpark together.

Then at the beginning of ninth grade I met my first sort of girlfriend. I say sortve because i didnt think she was my girlfriend. She was a crush who had a crush on ym and we would hold hands in hallways and all the cutesy things. She was just like the crush I had before. She was also a dancer. She had a great sense of humor. She played an instrument. I could talk to her for hours and hours upon end. And then I realized that slowly she was pulling away. I was hanging onto the last threads of our relationship when I realized that I would loose her as a friend too. So I did. I pulled away I lost her in terms of romantic relations. The cute things we did, her taking my jacket when she was cold or holding my hand for the fun of it didn't happen anymore. When I saw her wearing the sweatshirt of someone I despised because of his personality and general values I knew that I was done. Nothing against her too this day.

Thats when I pulled away from both. Crush one and two were and are still friends of mine. I learned that my first crush was bisexual. To make a bad joke I could say it crushed me. I got stuck in rock bottom. In fact for a few weeks I was in it's basement.

A few days ago I talked to them again. It's been a while ninth grade being long gone. I realized how much they taught me. Every now and then I wonder what would've happened if I would've had the courage to ask.

Moral of the story: talking to friends from highschool brings back your angsty feelings

#Indian girl crushes #I had them #Story time #With yours truly #desi things #desiblr #Also they both are still pretty #desi culture #First crushes #Trans desi #Desi girl #Ain't nobody like those desi girls #Ek lakh lakh pardesi girls #Aint nobody like those desi girls

Bilal Baig understands the weight and responsibility that comes with being the first queer South Asian Muslim actor to lead a Canadian primetime TV series

#bilal baig #transgender #nonbinary #trans canadian #sort of #trans desi #trans muslim #fab filippo #toronto

Figuring Out the Right Identity

A few days ago I asked some of my best friends and my girlfriend to use they/them pronouns for me. However, this just hasn’t felt right either.

Let me tell you a little about myself. I’m 23 years old, live in Texas (and with my parents until July), taking a gap year before starting medical school, and assigned female at birth. You’d think by now I’d have my gender figured out. I don’t. All I know is that when somebody calls me a girl/lady/woman, or when I have to wear “girl” clothes, I feel hella uncomfortable. I’ve always felt like this, being a “tomboy” since I was young, but only recently have I thought about the label “trans.”

So (naturally?) I decided to start using they/them pronouns. I have been doing this with my acquaintances at school for over a year and a half now- but recently brought it close to home- kinda coming out to my best friends and asking them to use they/them pronouns also.

But it still doesn’t feel right.

For a while, my girlfriend has been referring to me a boy playfully- she will call me “Sir” and tell me I’m looking like a “handsome man” today. And I’ve liked it. So she keeps doing it (10/10 for supportive girlfriend right here!). And now I’m thinking- what if this is actually me? It has felt right with her- why not with others?

And man (pun intended), that’s hella scary.

So now I’m considering re-coming out (for like the 6th time- first Bi, then Gay, Queer, and most recently/currently Queer and NB/GNC). And that brings a lot of fears. What if I change my mind again? Especially after medically transitioning. And it was hard enough talking to my parents about how I am attracted to women- how will I ever explain my gender to them? Throw this into the context of large desi families and a huge community of aunties and uncles, including at our temple. Transitioning, especially medically, is not something that goes unnoticed.

Is this me? Am I a trans man?

I don’t know.

If it is, am I brave enough to face the challenges?

I don’t know.

This is where I leave the post for now. With a thousand tags- so hopefully people going through similar experiences may find comfort in knowing they aren’t the only ones with a million questions and fears.

Journal Entry 1: February 24th, 2019 at 6:47 AM

My journals will be tagged with #thetransdesijournal from here on out.