I love working in a team again, because working alone for so long can get a bit lonely, but I miss feeling normal, you know?
When you do everything by yourself, you can just get things done, and if you fuck up someone will tell you, and if you do good someone will tell you,and nothing else really matter except accomplishing the task. The job needs to be done, so you do it, and as long as it gets done, nobody looks too close at you.
Now that I'm with people again, everything I do is compared to the "normal" way of doing it. And even if nobody says anything at first, it does eventually come up anyways. Like a weird birthmark or scar that you can tell people are staring at.
When you're alone, you don't think about why you do things the way you do. You don't wonder why your brain works the way it does, or why you're different, and the unconscious habits you have aren't strange or annoying or in the way.
"Why do you do it like this, when it takes longer?"
"Can you stop doing this? It's driving me nuts."
"Would you stop putting this there?"
"You know that's not the right word, right?"
"Wow, they really don't like you."
People have the right to ask questions. I get that they try to understand, and it's not an attack. And I get everyone has little peeves that set them off, just like I do.
But it's so much easier to isolate, to stay alone, to hide from people forever and ever so I don't have to be reminded constantly that there are things my brain can't do, there are things I can't see or learn or understand, and that sometimes the little tricks and workarounds I've worked so hard on still fall a little short of the mark.
It's hard, hearing someone casually mention one of your many little deviancies, and not also hearing the old old memories attached in so many voices that say,
"What the fuck is wrong with you?"
"You're touched in the head."
"Are you retarded?"
"We're getting you evaluated. There's clearly something going on with you."
"Are you really that dense?"
"You have to be doing this on purpose. Nobody is that stupid."
"I truly think there's something wrong with you."
I like being who I am, when I'm alone.
Alone in a room isn't the same as being alone in a crowd.
