Thinking about my Mamajiu idea au yet again. Except it's all about how SQQ would react. Spoiler: Not that well. I'm gonna write this scene out under the cut, but warnings for his mental state. Mind the tags please. Shen Yuan makes this a bit lighter, but still.
Tw: Child Abuse (not done but referenced), implied CSA (his past and what he knows happens), infanticide (doesn't happen, but he thinks about it), PTSD, Shen Yuan being Shen Yuan
He spends this time plotting how to protect his daughter. Because he can't imagine having a son. He knows what happens to children, so he needs to protect them. One of his slave sisters ended up at the Warm Red Pavilion, so he's basing his plan off of what happened to her. He assumes some powerful man is going to see what a twisted thing he is and hurt him, so he needs a plan to keep his baby safe. SQH might try to take care of the baby, but he won't rely on anyone else for storing so important. He hopes he lives long enough to teach her some of the arts, so she has some value besides her body. He's already asked the women at WRP to care for his daughter, and teach her the arts he taught them. So she'll have some skills that will let her avoid the worst abuses. He stashes things for his baby as well, things that will help her. Some go to SQH (very little), some to WRP (slightly more), and a few stashes that he hides behind arrays linked to his blood. Only his child or himself can access these.
Shen Qingqiu would have panicked the moment he found out he was pregnant. So much. But at the same time, that's his. And a tiny piece of his Qi-ge he can keep with him. Something that will love him, even if he's rotten. He makes his decision to keep his baby. HIS. Qi-ge can't have this child. He'll take it away to protect the baby from his rot. So, Qi-ge can't know this is his. The other options hate him, rightfully. SQH would never be brave enough to steal his baby, so he gets to be dad.
He can't think of a son. Even with his complex feelings, he knows a boy will be much worse off. A little girl will get more sympathy. A boy will likely end up dead unless he's a vicious monster just like himself. During this, he's barely willing to let MQF check on him. He feels more vulnerable, and that means he's more likely to lash out. Medical checks have to happen quickly with as little contact as possible. Some part of SQQ thinks this baby he already loves will die early (because it's his luck and he's cursed) so he doesn't see a point beyond the most superficial checks.
His plan for labor was to head to the WRP, but it starts too fast for him to manage to get there. He locks himself into his house and won't let anyone in. He's very happy he thought ahead and added as many arrays, talismans, and barriers as he could to keep everyone out. They'll only drop if he dies.
So, he's completely alone when his baby is finally born. He barely manages to get himself back into his bed with the baby clutched to him. He starts to check her health. Everything looks fine, tiny hands with 5 fingers, tiny feet with 10 toes. The baby is quiet enough he worries, but the breathing is exactly what the book described. But it's a baby boy, who barely cried and just stares up at him with huge black eyes. SQQ is in pain, tired, and bleeding. And now he needs to figure out what to do. This isn't the daughter he planned for. He thinks briefly of claiming the baby is a girl, but he can't see it working. Maybe the baby will decide she's a girl once she's old enough to understand herself, but he can't bet on that. Forcing it would likely make the child hate him. He's seen it happen before, and he wants his child to love him. Never abandon him like everyone else.
So, that's out. He's just sitting there, stroking the baby's cheek, thinking of what happens to little boys with terrible parents. His jiejies likely can't take the baby. There are some male courtesans, but he's heard bad stories about what happens to the young ones. And he fully expects to die before this child reaches their teen years. He doesn't trust that the rumors his martial siblings spread and his real past won't come up and drag him to his death. YQY will never prioritize him, and he can't assume his child will be better off. Maybe the sect will care when it's a small, cute child but he knows his baby will carry his crimes. Bullying at best, chased from the sect at worst. And that's if the baby can even cultivate. He has no idea yet.
Shen Yuan was having the worst day ever. First, he dies in the stupidest way by choking. Then he's gasping in much needed air, but he's clearly not in his home. He's wet, slimy, and in a blurry room. He felt like he laid in a mess for ages. Cold, alone, and scared. Then giant hands scooped him up from ruined fabric and he realized what happened. He had been reborn as a baby, with all his memories intact. He demanded a refund, he should have gotten the soup! Instead, he's being held against soft robes by someone with shaking hands and long black hair. He can feel his mother's strain just getting back to the bed. He can't make out the face, but this must be his mother. He isn't happy about being examined so closely, but it's not like he's going to have any dignity when he's this tiny. Did he end up in the past? The sudden chime and horrible text-to-speech that was the clearest thing in his vision let him know that he wasn't even that lucky. He was in Proud Immortal Demon Way, and he was told to fix the story. What can a baby even do? Who is he? The System is remarkably unhelpful and he wishes he could leave a scathing review. 0/10, horrible customer service. He wants to cry, but he can't try to place where he is if his already terrible vision is further blurred by tears.
Shen Qingqiu couldn't help but think that it might be kinder to kill the boy now. He looked it up when he was looking up how to care for himself and a newborn with no help. He could make it look natural, no one would know. His grief wouldn't even be fake. He did love this child already, but he knew a quick death was a mercy many didn't get. He just needed a bit of time before he added another crime to his list. So he's going to sit there and memorize this little face that he can see Qi-ge in. He'll need to come up with a name for the boy. Even if he's the only one who ever knows it. He already prepared himself for a stillborn, or an early death. The name comes shockingly easy, popping into his mind. He will have to pick the characters, but the first few he thinks of will all work. He knows he should wait, but the child won't live to 100 days. He can afford this for himself. He had always planned to decide the name early, and only announce his daughter's name when tradition demanded it. But plans always fall through.
Looking around and trying to move doesn't help Shen Yuan much. Besides confirm that it's just him and his mother. Shouldn't there be someone here? What little he can see looks well-made. His mother's robe is good quality, and the clean blankets are soft with fine embroidery. Someone with high status doesn't normally give birth so alone. His new mother doesn't look good. She's staring off into space mostly, and she's shaking. One hand is stroking his cheek, but he can feel the tension. Even when she looks at him, he can tell she's not entirely there. Is she going into shock? She could still be bleeding and he wouldn't know. She might even die, and where would that leave him? Babies didn't come up that often in the webnovel, but orphans never fared well. He could only hope he wouldn't be stuck in some dogblood plot about the wife dying in childbirth. All he could do was try to get his mother to focus on him. If she needed help, she'd have to do it herself. He probably needs help too. He's very, very cold. Hopefully this is just something psychological and he can help ground her. What better way to snap her out of it than demand attention? Babies are good at that. He's not crying though. He's still an adult in his mind.
Shen Qingqiu is not as prepared to do the deed himself. The baby is healthy, looking around and stretching its tiny limbs. One of those chubby little hands grabs the finger he has on its cheek. It uses that strong grip to tug on him, a tiny sound demanding that he pay attention. The soft whimper draws his attention to how cold the baby is getting, how the little boy is still filthy. He mechanically cleans the baby with the warm water he set up before he had been consumed by the need to birth the little thing. He mindlessly follows the steps he read to prepare. Place the baby against his bare skin to warm them. Make sure they're breathing well. He really shouldn't bother, but he consoles himself by saying it will look better if he clearly tried to care for the baby.
Okay, baby steps are good! He isn't cold anymore. He's been bathed and now he's tucked against a pretty flat chest. His mother was clearly never destined for the protagonist's harem with a body like that. Good, it would be way too weird to be his stepson. She's switched to barely looking at him. Her expression raises some red flags in his head. What's going through her mind? It can't be anything good. He wishes he could see better. He knows something is wrong. He can feel some type of horrible plot coming for him. Look at him! He's tiny and possibly cute! His sister had looked like a squished sweet potato at birth, but a cute one! He was starting to worry this was one of those stories where the mother hasn't wanted a child and killed the baby rather than raise it.
He's trying so hard to stay in that mindset that let him survive for so long, but this baby won't allow it. The tiny thing whimpers until he's looking at it, only calming when it can see his face. The tiny baby gives a soft sigh, snuggling into him as those black eyes try to focus on his face. Some part of him recalls that newborns can't see well. He can't help moving his face closer, his baby reaching up to touch him. The soft coos are getting to him, that part of him that he knows is just some stupid nonsense the body does to ensure parents bond with these little burdens.
That doesn't mean he can bring himself to do it. Maybe he could if all he saw was himself, but this is someone else. He's too weak. He can't look at that tiny, curious face and end it. He could drown himself in a river of blood, but he couldn't bear to kill a miniature Qi-ge. He was too selfish and rotten to give up any scrap he had of the man.
His mother was finally close enough to make out, and he wasn't entirely sure what to make of that face. Yes, very beautiful and he seriously hoped he got some of that. But didn't the face look very masculine? He wouldn't expect that from PIDW. Even the most masculine wives were still a far cry from the normal range of humans. He also seemed familiar, but he wasn't sure from where. What female character would look this handsome and be important enough to get art? This would be so much easier if he needed to deal with a plant or beast. He may have the most knowledge of Proud Immortal Demon Way of anyone because the author, but he's had a very eventful day and he's allowed to be off his game. At least she seemed more aware. She was still lost in thought, but he didn't feel the dread anymore. His mother actually is starting to look determined. Yes, go mom! So long as going doesn't involve ending his tiny life, thanks.
Which means he needs a plan. A new one. His son won't survive without him. He may deserve to die, deserve being killed for being a twisted thing pretending to be a noble, be worthy of his position. But his son needs him, and he already knows he can't rely on anyone to save either of them. They may pretend to be righteous, but his sect siblings haven't hesitated to be cruel to him. They'll never protect him, and his boy will be tossed out or left to suffer the worst bullying the sect has to offer without him.
So, he needs to live. At least long enough for his son to grow up. He needs to get the boy educated early, cultivating as early as he possibly can. If he doesn't have a natural aptitude, Shen Jiu is willing to track down any artifact or plant he needs to jumpstart the process. He'll keep his son safe until he's strong enough to stand on his own. He'll keep some of his premade plans in case he fails, but he doesn't break his promises.
So he speaks that promise to the baby. His words are crude, but he won't pretend he's something he's not. Not for someone so important. The first words he's said to this new being, "I will keep you safe. I will make sure you grow strong enough that nothing can hurt you. You will have a better life than I've ever had. You will thrive, my Shen Yuan."
Okay, cool, his mother just spoke, but kindly, what the fuck? First, that's a very deep voice and now he's worried he got sucked into one of those BL fanfics instead of the main story. Second, that's his name! His actual name! Is that why he got sent here? Yes, thanks for promising to keep him safe, but what the hell is his life?
[Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Important things must be said three times! Welcome User_02, to your story! Role: Shen Yuan, son of Shen Qingqiu. Mission: Create a better story with your new role!]
Oh, he was doomed. So doomed.
