Summary: By the way his sad eyes looked at you, you knew he was lying. Something big was happening. Something awful. And even though he wasn't asking for your help, you couldn't help but feel that you had to do something.
Warnings: fluff, angst, smut, attempted suicide, drug use.
Author´s note: I can't deny it. I love this man too much. And the one shot is a bit long, so it's going to be in two parts, but I hope u all enjoy it <3
Since everything was clean and tidy, you had nothing else to do for the moment. You thought it could be a good time to put some music and take a beer, but a loud noise coming from the bathroom startled you. Probably that bath had seen horrible things, but it wasn’t one of that kind of noises. And you knew who was inside. He had caught your attention by passing so fast some minutes ago he didn’t even bother to say hello. You thought he could be in a hurry to use the toilet, but perhaps it was something worse. As you walked towards the bathroom door, you heard another thump.
“Juice? Are you good?”, you asked after knocking softly.
It took him a few seconds, but he ended up answering.
“Yeah. Everything’s fine. Don’t worry.”
But he didn’t sound credible at all. You waited out there trying to identify what was going on inside, and even though you were aware that it might be a bad idea, you brought you hand to the handle, realising he hadn’t locked the door. So, slowly, you opened it. Once you made sure that the boy hadn’t his trousers down his knees, you raised your voice again.
“Hey. Are you feeling well, sweetheart?”
“Yeah. Yeah. I do”, he quickly answered. Juice instantly rubbed his face, but it wasn’t enough to hide his watery eyes. And he knew you had noticed it. “I’m okay. I promise. I just need…”
His voice cracked in the middle of the sentence, so he shook his head and sat down on the toilet avoiding your gaze.
“I just need to be alone. Just close the door, please”, he added, but you didn’t do exactly what he was asking.
You did close the door, but with you inside the bath. And then, you took a sit on the floor, next to his feet, and put your hand up to his knee.
“Hey. Look at me, Juicy, please”, you asked him tenderly. It took him some seconds to calm himself down, but when he did it, you could see how sad he looked. “It isn’t good to be alone when you feel like shit. And even if you don’t want to talk about it, I’m a good company.”
“Okay. Thanks”, he muttered with a slight smile on his face that made him look even sadder. “I’m good. I just needed to breath.”
“So, do it with me. Breath.”
Juice closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and slowly let it out moments later.
“Good. Again”, you told him.
You spent some minutes like that. Juice was breathing while you were caressing his leg tenderly. And by the time he opened his eyes again, he actually seemed calmer.
“Why don’t you wash your face and come outside?”, you suggested him. “There isn’t much work on the garage, so we could have a beer.”
You spent a few hours talking calmly in the counter bar. It was obvious that something was still troubling Juice, but he got better as time went on. You tried to carry on a light and funny conversation, feeling a warm sensation every time you got a smile from him. And when his brothers arrived at the clubhouse, they joined you.
You loved those guys more than anything. They were your family, all that you had. And the moments when you were in the clubhouse drinking and smoking all together were mostly the best part of the day. That meant they were still alive for another day, and it was all that mattered to you. Nevertheless, they had been busier than usual lately. Obviously, it was due to club business you weren’t allow to know, but after so many years with them, you were more than used to their laws. It was fine, anyway. You listened to whatever they wanted to tell you willingly and didn’t ask questions when they preferred to remain silent. You tried not to get overly involved, but there were occasions when you knew they needed you to intervene, even if they didn’t ask for your help. And, right now, Juice was one of those occasions.
“Do you want to go for a ride?”, you asked Juice while picking up the empty beer bottles. His brothers had already left except for Chibs and Bobby, who were finishing a cigarette before heading home too.
“There’s somewhere you need to go?”
“Not really”, you answered. “I just felt like a night ride.”
“Yeah. Okay”, he nodded. “I’m a bit tired, but it could be nice.”
“That’s how young people say they want to bang nowadays?”, you heard Bobby saying. Nor had he made any effort to lower his voice.
Chibs laughed, as well as Juice, while you two were already walking towards the door.
“You’d be dying to know, wouldn’t you, Bobby?”, you added before winking at him. “Drive home safe, old men.”
“We’ll do”, Chibs responded. “Hope you do too, darling.”
You got on Juice’s bike behind him and once he started, you gave him directions on which way to go. You get out Charming and drove for a little more before you told Juice to stop on a side of the road.
“Why have you brought me here?”, Juice asked as nothing remarkable was around you.
“It’s quiet. And the sky is beautiful without the city lights”, you told him. Juice just leaned on the bike next to you and looked up at the sky realizing that the shining stars were actually a great view. “When I’m not in the mood, I like to come here. Gives me peace”.
He understood what you were referring to, so he decided to just stare at the stars.
“Thanks”, he suddenly muttered. “Not for this. I mean, not only for this. This is really nice too, I promise, but I meant to what happened this afternoon. In the bathroom. And for not telling the boys.”
“I figured you wouldn’t want them to know.”
“You were right”, he nodded. “But you don’t have to worry about anything, Y/N. I’m good. Like, really good. I swear.”
Juice tried to sound credible, but you didn’t believe him at all.
“I still remember when you were a prospect. It was few after I started hanging up with the club”, you told him. “The boys were hard on you, as they always do with prospects, but you always had a wide smile on your face no matter what.”
As you said so, Juice couldn’t help but smile.
“That is. That smile”, you added. “You were so fucking adorable. You still are.”
“C’mon, shut up”, he said while tapping your shoulder with his gently. “You’re gonna make me blush.”
“But it’s the truth. You were so cute, but also a bit foolish. That one still after being patched”, you continued. “Do you remember the accident with Tig and the Doberman?”
“How could I forget? I could never forget it, as well as Tig”, he joked.
“It was a big mistake. Hilarious, but dangerous”, you assured him. “But still, the club loved you since day one. And they still love you so much. Even if they’re a bit mean sometimes, they’d do anything for you. You are one of them. You’re their brother. And if you ever need to talk to them, for whatever the reason is, they will listen to you.”
When you stopped looking at the sky to look at Juice, you noticed a few tears down his cheeks. He had started crying in silence at some point. And you felt your heart breaking at the sight of it.
When you hugged him, Juice returned the embrace needily. You felt his arms around your body tightly, and since he had his head hidden in your neck, his tears were wetting your skin. His cry was almost frantic, so you did your best caressing his nape and his back.
“It’s okay, Juicy. Let it all out. Everything’s going to be alright.”
“Do you want some coffee?”, you asked Chibs the moment he crossed the workshop’s door.
“Please”, he answered, so you served him a cup of warm coffee. “Thanks, love.”
“Good. Quiet”, he said. “Yours?”
Chibs took a cigarette and offered one to you. It might seem a bit boring to have a day like that, but it was on the contrary. Those days were great because you didn’t have to worry at all about if the boys would come back home safe and sound. And those days weren’t too usual.
“Can I ask you a question?”
“About what?”, Chibs answered, frowned.
“I don’t want to talk about the kid’s sex life.”
“It’s not like that, asshole”, you told him while trying to hold back a smile. “What I was going to ask was if you had noticed something strange with Juice.”
“Yeah. Like, I dunno, weird.”
“I’m not following you, lass.”
You took a drag on your cigarette and slowly released the smoke. You knew you shouldn’t be having this conversation, but you needed to. You just had to try to be subtle.
“I saw him a bit blue yesterday. That’s all.”
Chibs kept his frown for a few seconds more before shrugging his shoulders and taking a sip of his coffee.
“It may be just club’s business. You know how the kiddo is. Sometimes he’s too sensitive for his own good. But he’ll get over it”, the Scottish briefly explained to you. It was a pity that you were sure that what was happening to Juice was more serious than that. “Anyway, I saw him well last night. You should be near him more often. You really do good to him.”
“Are you talking about me, brother?”, Tig’s voice interrupted your conversation. “Because Y/N really does so much good to me. Mainly if she’s naked on my bed. That’s so fucking good.”
“That only happens in your dreams, Tiggy.”
“I know. And those are my best dreams.”
Unlike most croweaters, you hadn’t slept with each and every one of the Sons. You had hooked up with some members from other charters as Happy, and also a few times with Chibs, but it was years ago, and you just did it because you really felt like it. But you had already seen them too many times passed out, throwing up or even bleeding to death, so it was different now. And you cared too much about them to be thinking about meaningless sex.
“We were talking about Juice”, Chibs told him.
“Yeah? And you know where that fucker is?”, Tig asked. “He has not turned up at his workplace. I mean, business’ workplace. And he should be here to do his shift at the garage, but it looks like he’s going to skip that too.”
Chibs’ eyes were on you, and consequently Tig’s too.
“I don’t know where he is”, you answered without even needing to be asked. “Last time I saw him was when he drove me home yesterday.”
“Maybe he’s sick”, Chibs suggested. But by the way he looked at you, you knew he was thinking about your previous conversation. It was strange that he didn’t show up all day without a single explanation. “You should go and check on him.”
“I have to do some shopping for the clubhouse, but I can drop by his house in the evening.”
“When are you gonna come to my place and check on me?”, Tig asked, as whenever he had the opportunity to suggest anything sexual.
It was already dark when you were knocking on Juice’s door. He didn’t answer, but you knew he was in there because there was light. You knocked harder and still nothing, so you started to worry. Maybe Chibs was right and he was sick, like very sick. Or maybe it was his other problems for which he had been crying on your shoulder for at least twenty minutes last night. Luckily, the door was unlocked when you tried to open it. Unfortunately, what you found inside gave you the chills.
In the living room, on the coffee table, there was an empty pill bag. There were only two left. And Juice was lying on the sofa apparently unconscious.
“Fuck”, you barely mumbled before running to the sofa.
You tapped his face repeatedly while calling out his name. Having no result, you shook his chest insistently.
“For fuck’s shake, c’mon Juice. You can’t do this to me!”
When a kind of sound, which formed no words and made no sense, escaped from his mouth, you felt hardly relieved. He was still there, but the situation looked pretty bad. Without any other option, you turned him on his side and stuck two fingers on his throat. Moments later, he threw up.
“That’s it, babe. That’s good”, you encouraged him while keeping your fingers on his mouth. You continued like that until you thought all the pills were out of his stomach. Only then, you allowed him to lay on the sofa again. “C’mon Juice. You have to talk to me.”
He was barely opening his eyes and trying to mutter something, but you couldn’t understand a single world. As a few more seconds passed, he slightly started recovering his conscious.
“Good. I’m good”, he finally said.
“Of course you are, baby. You’ll be good”, you answered him. “I’m gonna take care of you, okay? C’mon, we have to get you up.”
You put one of his arms around your shoulders and made an effort to pull you both to your feet. He wasn’t helping at all, but you couldn’t let the two of you fall. So, slowly and making sure of every step before you took it, you made your way towards the bathroom.
“How are you so damn heavy?”, you asked more to yourself than to him. At least, his legs worked well enough that you didn’t have to drag him all the way down.
Once you reached the bathroom, you sat him down on the toilet making sure he didn’t fall forward. The best thing to do would be to put him directly in the shower, but it could be dangerous as you couldn’t handle him easily, so he could slip and fall. Instead, you opened the tap to wet his face, his head, and his nape with your own hands. His t-shirt was stained with vomit, so you took it off too. The cool water seemed to work to wake him up a little more.
“I’m good”, he repeated. “I’m sorry.”
“You don’t have to apologise. Just stay with me, okay?”, you asked him while cradling his face in an attempt to get him to look at you. “Have you taken anything else? Other drugs? Booze?”
“Don’t know. Beers. Pills.”
Although he was much better than a few minutes before, he slurred the words, and you weren’t sure if he really knew it was you with him. Tomorrow morning, he would probably remember little or nothing at all.
“Why did you do that? You wanted to overdose? Was it an accident?”
“Was sad. And scared”, he muttered. “They won’t forgive me. He’s black. And he won’t stop pushing me.”
As you noticed he was starting to cry, you rushed to end the conversation.
“It’s alright, baby, don’t talk more”, you asked him softly. “You need to sleep, okay? And tomorrow you’ll be better. I promise you.”
With his arm around your shoulders again, you left the bathroom to go to what you thought was his bedroom and carefully laid him down on the bed. Then you took off his boots and, after a few more seconds of thought, his trousers too. It was just for his own comfort, and he didn’t complain at all.
“I thought the first time I saw you like that would be under different circumstances”, you muttered before covering him with the sheets. By then, he was almost asleep. However, you still had things to do.
Juice had scared you to death, but you were glad he was better now. You washed your face and put your hair in a bun before going back to the living room. There was vomit on the floor and on the sofa, which had to be cleaned up. It was awful and the smell was disgusting, but it was what you had to do.
Almost half an hour later, when all was done, you went back to Juice’s dorm once again to make sure he was well. Seeing him sleeping peacefully made you smile. You didn’t want to leave the house in case he needed anything else, but it felt wrong to lay on the bed next to him without being invited to. You finally decided to sit down on the floor next to the bed. After making yourself as comfortable as possible in that position, you took your eyes to him and caressed his arm tenderly. If you were lucky enough, you could fall asleep for a few hours.
When Juice appeared in the kitchen the next morning, you were already there making breakfast.
“Good morning”, he said, shyly.
“Good morning”, you answered. “How are you feeling?”
“You have an aspirin on the table. Next to the coffee”, you told him. He took a sit on the chair and seconds later you put a plate of scramble eggs in front of him. “You should eat something.”
He did as you said after taking the pill with a sip of coffee. And with another cup of coffee, you sat down next to him.
“Do you remember something about last night?”
“Something”, he muttered. “I just knew you were here because I saw your shirt on my bedroom.”
“I had puke on mine, so I took one of yours from your closet. Sorry for opening it without permission.”
“Can you first tell me what happened?”
“You OD’d”, you answered. “I found you unconscious on the sofa. Made you throw up, cleaned you, and took you to bed.”
“Did I… Did I say anything?”
“Something. That’s why we should talk”, you nodded, but Juice didn’t seem very convinced. “You OD’d on purpose, Juice. You fucking scared me to death. I need to know what’s happening.”
“You can trust in me”, you interrupted him, putting your hand over his kindly. “Please, Juice. Trust in me.”
“But you can’t tell the club. Under no circumstances.”
It took him a couple of minutes and a few sighs, but he finally got up the courage to speak.
“The sheriff has found something in my profile. He’s threatening me with it”, he confessed.
“My dad. He’s black”, he said, making a great effort not to burst into tears. “If the club find out about this, I’m out. Blacks are not allowed in the Sons. And I can’t lose them. They are everything I have. The kutt is all I have.”
Now, the three sentences he had said last night before almost start crying had sense.
“But you didn’t know he was black.”
“They won’t care. The truth is what it is, and I can’t let them know it.”
“Have you told anything to him?”
“No. Not yet”, Juice answered.
“Have you done anything for him?”, you asked him.
“No”, he denied. “He arrested me yesterday. He’s been pushing me so fucking hard. When he finally let me go, I came here, and I couldn’t… I didn’t know what to do. Just wanted everything to stop.”
You pressed the bridge of your nose for a few moments as you tried to ignore the pain in your heart. It was a fucked-up situation, but you couldn’t let the emotions out. It wasn’t the right moment.
“I’m gonna think about it, okay?”, you assured him while taking his hands with yours tightly. “But you can’t tell the sheriff shit, you hear me? Don’t tell him anything. No matter how hard he pushes you, you keep your mouth shut. You have to hold on a little longer.”
Juice pursed his lips but ended up nodding anyway.
“Okay. I’ll do it. I can do it.”
“Of course you can. I know you can.”
“I don’t know how to thank you for everything you are doing for me, Y/N”, he sadly said. “I’m full of shit and you shouldn’t be doing this.”
“Just don’t OD again. That’ll be enough”, you told him with a slight smile.
“I can do it too. For you.”
Juice finished his breakfast before going to take a shower. And barely forty minutes later, you both went to the TM. As soon as Juice parked the bike, all eyes were on you. You had agreed that, if they asked, Juice would tell them that he was very sick to his stomach. You would tell that you had gone to his house to check on him and spent the night there due to his illness. And after that conversation with his brothers, not without first scolding Juice for not telling them yesterday what was wrong with him, everything went back to normal.
You were all day around the clubhouse and the workshop as always, but your head was somewhere else. Juice could break down at any moment, so you have to find a solution as soon as possible. Things could get very ugly if Juice talked to the sheriff.
In the afternoon, some boys were in the garage while others had gone to do some club’s shit, including Juice. When you approached Chibs and asked him to talk in private, he frowned, but followed you anyway to one of the dorms.
“You know that I love you all so fucking much, right?”, you asked him.
“Of course I know, darling.”
“And you know that I only want what’s best for the club, right?”
You had sworn hours before that you wouldn’t do exactly what you were going to do right now, but you couldn’t do anything else. You hadn’t more time to think and it was the only thing that could work. With each passing day, the danger of Juice doing something he shouldn't was growing.
“I shouldn’t be telling you this, but it’s all I can do.”, you told him. “Just, please, listen to me.”
“Whatever it is, speak up”, he said. Chibs hated to beat around the bush.
“Okay. Here we go”, you sighed.
When Juice arrived at the clubhouse, he had hardly stopped his bike when Chibs told him to accompany him to the garage. Juice had a small, carefree smile on his face, but as soon as he saw you waiting in the garage too, it faded slowly. Chibs went in after Juice and pulled the shutter. The door that connected the workshop with the clubhouse was already closed.
Juice gave you an accusatory, hurt look, as he already knew that you had betrayed him. You heart ached, but you remained impassive.
“So, you have been talking to the sheriff. Talking about your black daddy”, Chibs remarked deadly serious after standing in front of Juice, who immediately looked at you again. “No, don’t look at her. I’m the one who’s talking to you.”
“I didn’t…”, Juice tried to speak, but Chibs didn’t give him the opportunity.
“Shut the fuck up”, he ordered, and Juice obeyed. “You overdosed yourself last night as a coward because the sheriff was threatening you. Probably with ratting us out.”
You noticed Juice’s eyes watery, and you felt the urge to intervene, but you couldn’t. Chibs had allowed you to stay on the condition that you did not interrupt him while he was speaking.
“I’m sorry”, Juice mumbled. “I’m so sorry, brother.”
“What does your paperwork say?”, Chibs asked him, but Juice just shook his head without understanding the question. “Your birth certificate. Under race. What box is checked.”
Juice frowned and cleaned the tear that had escaped down his cheek with the back of his hand.
“So, that’s what you are”, Chibs said. “Half of us don’t know who the hell our fathers are. The paperwork is the only thing that counts.”
As Juice opened his eyes in realization, more tears fell from his eyes. He was smiling but also crying. He looked so happy and so sad at the same time.
“You really tried to OD yourself for this”, Chibs muttered as if still finding it hard to believe.
“I haven’t told him anything. I swear.”
“I know, brother. I know”, Chibs nodded. “And next time you see the sheriff, you tell him he can go and suck your daddy’s big black cock.”
Listening to Juice laughing was almost healing for you after everything had happened. Chibs wanted to scare the kid a bit because he couldn’t be trying to kill himself every time a pig threatened him, but he wanted as much as you to help Juice and make sure he was well.
“He can’t do a goddamn thing against you with that, yeah?”
“Yeah”, Juice answered after sniffling.
The moment Chibs pulled him in for a hug, Juice reciprocated without hesitation. He wasn’t crying anymore, but it was obvious that he needed such a gesture of affection from his brother. And you knew you could rely on Chibs for this. Your intuition had been right in believing that talking to the Scottish would be the right thing to do, but nothing would change the fact that you had betrayed Juice. He had trusted on you to tell you his deepest secret and you had failed to him. And knowing that you couldn’t bear it if Juice threw it in your face after finishing his conversation with Chibs, you decided to cross the door and leave in silence.
