So! I opened writing commissions recently since I’m unemployed and, well, really struggling to find a new job. Every little bit helps! I have a Ko-Fo set up, my fiancee and I have a Patreon we’re posting things up on every month, and you can commission me to write fic or edit or whatever if you so choose - no job is too small, just give me your budget and your request and we’ll see if we can work something out!
This commission was from Twitter user @PKFCx, who requested,
“And yeah dunno. Kind of a story like a Contra/Bad Dudes type character has to kick butt :P Just cliche filled. Because cliches are like a breath of fresh air for me”
Suffice it to say, the end result is unlike anything I’ve written before.
(also, I must’ve subconsciously gotten the name/concept from Gravity Falls but this is different)
Inspirations: Kung Fury, Axe Cop, Half Life: Full Life Consequences
The phone was ringing.
It kept ringing. It was annoying.
The man didn't pick up the phone.
The man was trying to win Fortnite.
He was playing all day to win but could not win even though he was the best because people were being cheap.
But the phone was STILL RINGING it would not stop.
RIIIIING RIIIIIING RIIIING went the special red phone with the blinking light.
“I'm in top five!!” yelled the man at the phone. “Stop ringing so I can beat this scrubs!!”
Finally the phone shut up for a minute.
“Yes. now I can play with my maximum ability...!” and the man did. He built the stairs up and behind the enemy tower and blew them up with rockets and won chicken dinner.
“ok phone,” said the man when he was done winning the game. “now I can take your call.”
RIIIIING RIIING RIIIng
The man picked up the phone and said to it, “This better be important, you almost made me lose.”
“It's about the world safety!” said the phone. “Yes it is important!!”
“HMM what is it??”
“The presidents of every place are kidnapped!!”
“WHOA that is important for sure!”
“Yes it is and we need you TIGERFIST, only you could do it.”
The man who was the hero of the story put on his sunglasses and looked at us.
His muscles became so big his shirt exploded.
He raised his tiger arm and made a tiger fist with determined look on his face.
“Yes,” he said. “Only I could do it.
Because I am TIGERFIST.”
And his claws came out, and they were so sharp they cut the phone in his hand. But he did not need the phone until next time. The presidents could buy a new one. After he saved them.
So Tigerfist flexed his muscles so hard his shirt came off, and his tiger stripes could be seen to put fear in the eyes of his enemies. He put his Minecraft hat on backwards because it was time to mean business. He tied his shoes tight because safety. He got a cold one from the fridged and cracked it so much it broke.
Tigerfist kicked open the door to his house and roared at the sky so his enemies knew he was coming for a challenge.
AT THE ENEMY BASE:
A roar from far away...
“Whoa,” says one guard to another guard. “That must be him.”
And then the other guard says “I heard he has a pack of eight. But I don't think he will share it with us.”
“He must be coming for a challenge. We better tell the boss.”
And so they went to turn on the alarms and the sirens. But then something stopped them.
VRRRMMMMM
Up over the cliff was a motorbike with rocketmods and heavy machine gun attached. It flew up over the cliff in the air in slow motion.
It was TIGERFIST on the motorbike. He took out his lazer pistol and fired it two times at the guards, and they both were zapped and fell dead.
The motorbike landed and drove past them.
Tigerfist said to the dead guards “You shouldn't be guards for the bad guys or bad things will happen to you!!” and some other guards heard him roaring this and ran to save themselves.
He drove across the big bridge to the base and there was resistance but it did not resist good enough.
He opened his heavy machine gun attachment and blowed away all of the guards at the doors.
“code orange code orange!!” yelled one guard into his walkie talkie. “he is here!!”
But the walkie talkie was lazer shot out of his hand, and Tigerfist drove by, cutting his face with his tiger claws as he drove.
“I am everywhere!!!” yelled Tigerfist, raising his gun as he drove.
The big metal door was in front of him so he JUMPED from his motorbike with a backflip, and the rocketmods went up to maximum power, and the motorbike ran into the door with a explosion to open a hole.
As he landed like Iron Man, he remembered, “I have a backup at home,” and went into the base.
“WELCOME!” said a voice from speakers, as Tigerfist walked into the dark inside of the base.
“This is a bad welcome,” said Tigerfist.
But his tiger eyes let him see that there was a tank in front of him in the darkness.
“Oh, that is a better welcome,” he said, and jumped as the tank fired at him.
He did flip in the air and cut the giant tank bullet in half with his tiger claws. The two halfs of bullet split up and blew up the two speakers as they tried to talk, like, “If cats have nine lives then we will-BOOM!”
And Tigerfist landed on the tank, and it tried to move around to find him but it was too dark. Tigerfist cut open the tank and threw a grenade into it, and it exploded the entire tank in fire. He flew through the air from the explosion and landed in the next room of the base.
There were more speakers and they said, “You ruined my line!!”
“It was a bad line!” said Tigerfist, as he suplexed a big guard through the floor.
The speakers said “I didn't finish it how can you know it was bad??”
Tigerfist straighted his sunglasses as he punched another guard so hard he flew out of the base.
“it's coming from a bad GUY,” he said.
“At least listen to it first!”
“Fine ok go ahead.”
“cough cough. If cats have nine lives then we will have to kill you nine TIMES!!”
“OK I guess that is actually not too bad.”
“Yea, see? Told you.”
“The tank was a nice touch also.”
“Thanks, that was a last minute choice but it was good wasn't it?”
“Yea, I liked that. Also. NOW YOU DIE.”
And Tigerfist shot his lazer gun he was charging all the time into one of the speakers, and the lazer went through the system and came out the other side and zapped the bad guy talking into the speakers.
Tigerfist went to the next room and there was all dark but a light in the middle.
Tigerfist made sure his teeth were showing and his claws were sharp and his muscles were big and he walked to the light.
Then the ninjas attacked.
It was a team of ninjas, jumping from the shadow and using swords and throwing stars and numb-chucks and smoke balls and tricks.
But Tigerfist was a ninja when he was a kid and his uncle and auntie were ninjas who trained him so it was too easy for him.
And SLICE and KICK and PUNCH and BITE and CLAW and ROAR and the ninjas were all defeated and ran back into the shadows with smoke balls because ninjas always live to the next fight unless they want to be dead.
Tigerfist laughed at them and took one of their katana swords and said while laughing, “You will need more training before you can beat someone like me, I'm the best.”
And Tigerfist went to the next room where there was a elevator leading up the tower to the sky. So he rode the elevator, ready for an ambush.
But there was a voice from the darkness that said to him, “You came just as expected, Tigerfist.”
And Tigerfist remembered the voice...from somewhere...!
“Who is it?!” he called to the voice as the elevator went up. “What do you want with the presidents?”
The voice laughed “Hahaha heheh” and their yellow eyes glowed from the shadows.
And Tigerfist knew those eyes.
“It's YOU,” he said, surprised, but only a little. “Pantherfist, I should have known.”
The enemy came out from the darkness onto the elevator as it went up higher to the sky. It was for sure Pantherfist, the arch nenemis of Tigerfist, and she was wearing all black soldier uniform.
“You have a lot of nervous to be showing your face to me,” said Tigerfist. “We have unfinished business big sister.” because she was his older sister when they were kids when things were not so angry between them.
“haha, yes, we do, little brother,” said Pantherfist, and she flexed her muscles so hard that her sleeves ripped off and her panther claws came out sharp.
She put on her sunglasses the same as his, because it was handed down from their grandparents'.
“Where did you go the wrong way, sister?” said Tigerfist, shaking his head.
“I made the direction that was more fun, I made bases and armies when you just listened to what cops want you to do.”
“I could never forgive you...” said Tigerfist with his teeth showing.
Tigerfist tightened his hands and looked down with sadness and being angry.
“You...killed...MY HUSBAND!!” he roared, and he pounced for the attack at his evil family member.
But she was fast like him and maybe faster and his attacks were missing.
She blocked his claws with her own claws, and sparks were flying. And she tried to slice at him but he blocked it also. They punched at each other but their fists just both hit at the same time, and they both knocked back. They kicked at each other but their own feet blocked the other foot.
“We are both the same strength,” said Tigerfist. “This will go forever like this at this rate.”
“That would be fun,” said Pantherfist. “But also a waste of time.”
And then the elevator reached the top, where all of the presidents were tied to a rocket pointed at the sun.
“Why do you do this dumb, evil stuff?” said Tigerfist. “You know it is useless to try to kidnap the presidents. It is too easy for me to save them from any bad guys.”
“Yes,” said the voice. And she pushed the button that started the rocket countdown. “You are right. Fighting bad guys is too easy for you..”
And then from the top of the rocket another person jumped and landed with their hand to the floor.
There was the moment of calm before the storm and the man who had jumped stood up and took his hat off, showing his face.
It was a half robot face with cyborg eyes and metal teeth and a headband.
It was...his HUSBAND??
It was Cheetahfeet??
“NO...” said Tigerfist in shock and he reached out his hand.
And Pantherfist laughed, yelling, “Fighting bad guys is easy but what if you have to fight A GOOD GUY INSTEAD??”
And Tigerfist fell to his knee and punched his fist at the floor, and it made a crack.
Indeed his sister was evil and always planning a step in front of him.
“I AM CHEETAH BOT” said the cyborg of Cheetahfeet. And he slammed his foot on the ground and it made a shockwave that pushed Tigerfist back but also ripped his pants off and showed his robo cheetah legs.
“No!” said Tigerfist when he tried to stay determined. “You are still inside the heart of yourself!!”
“THE MAN WHO LOVED YOU IS NO MORE” said the robot cybrog cheetah man.
Pantherfist laughed. “He cannot be a bad guy when he is a ROBOT because they cannot be evil! NOW GO my robot! Fight Tigerfist to the DEATH.”
“I CANNOT KILL,” said the Cheetah Bot. “IT IS AGAINST MY PROGRAMMING.”
“Oh right because you are a robot,” said Pantherfist. “BUT STILL beat him up!”
“I CAN DO THAT,” said the Cheetah Bot, and he was faster than any of them and he ran in circles so fast that Tigerfist was going to be sucked into the sky.
So Pantherfist made sure the ropes were tight so the presidents would not slip away, and the countdown was going on, and Tigerfist was going to be flying away.
But Tigerfist remembered: the katana sword!
So he took the sword and he timed it with perfect timing and THREW it at the Cheetah Bot, and the Cheetah Bot ran into the sword because he was too fast to slow down, and tripped onto the floor.
Tigerfist yelled “CHEETAHFEET!” and went to his side.
And he was glitching and mall functioning and the Cheetah Bot said “...TI...GER...FIST..MY...OL..D..SELF...IS...S..TILL..HERE...SO..ME..WHE...RE..” and his eyes were flashing and and his robot parts were moving weird, and Tigerfist felt his chest and it was not a person heart but a robot heart BUT a person heartbeat was inside...somewhere.
And Cheetah Bot was bleeding robot blood all over the floor.
“HAHAHA” said Pantherfist, jumping down from the rocket. “You have hurt a GOOD GUY now Tigerfist! You can never go back from this!!”
And Tigerfist did not cry even though it was sad to hurt his husband who was now a robot because the presidents needed to see him be the hero who did not give up.
And Tigerfist walked to the Cheetah Bot and pulled the sword out, and the Cheetah Bot shut down but was not dead.
“I did not hurt a good guy,” said Tigerfist, and he flciked the sword and blue robot blood came off. “Because if he is a robot and cannot be evil, then he ALSO cannot be good!”
And Pantherfist was quiet and opened her mouth because...he was right.
“You will never make me become bad,” said Tigerfist, and he stood with the katana sword with some blue blood still on it and the wind blew over him.
“And YOU will never make me become GOOD!” said Pantherfist, and she stood with the remote and her claws sharp at her side.
“Someday maybe I will,” said Tigerfist sadly, and his sunglasses shining in the sunset. “Someday maybe I will...”
“Not on THIS someday!” and Pantherfist pushed the other button on her remote, and the rocket countdown was finished and began to shoot jetfire.
“NO! The presidents!” yelled Tigerfist, and he leaned down and JUMPED as hard as he could jump, and landed at the rocket as it took off.
Pantherfist picked up the Cheetah Bot cyborg.
“Your husband is still TRAPPED inside the robot soul!!” she yelled at him.
“I married him because he is strong as I am!!” said Tigerfist as he began to untie the ropes for the predidents. “He will stay alive inside the robot soul until he can be free again from you!!”
“So it looks like our unfinished is still unfinished for NEXT TIME!!” said Pantherfist, and she escaped with his robot husband.
“No more distractions,” said Tigerfist as he carried more and more presidents on his back as the rocket started to go away from the planet through the clouds.
And when he got to the last president...he left them tied to the rocket.
And he jumped off, holding all of the presidents because his tiger arms were so strong to do it. And he fell and fell and just before landing back at the earth he used the presidents to build stairs down like in Fortnite and landed safe.
As he walked down the stairs made of presidents the reporters came and had cameras and microphones.
“Tigerfist! You have saved the presidents!”
“Wait but one is missing..!!” said one reporter.
And Tigerfist watched as the rocket with the missing president went closer to the sun.
And the reporters asked, “You saved the presidents but forgot the most important one of the United States!!”
And Tigerfist looked up at the sky, and in his sunglasses was the reflection of the rocket reaching the sun and blowing up.
“Not MY president,” said Tigerfist.
And the reporters did not know what to say.
“But...wait, now we need a new president!” said one of the saved presidents.
“Yes,” said Tigerfist, and he took off his sunglasses and winked and put them back on. “Yes we do.”
Max making me Question My Sexuality 2.0 but instead of finding out im gay, im fighting the idea that i may in fact be a furry too now
there's been debates abt whether max is really a furry because he's completely human from the neck down. but like functionally yes he is if you think he's sexy youve fallen into my contraption
