Ham & Cheese Toastie and a Pumpkin Latte — A Doctor Who Minisode (SPOILER WARNING for all on-screen Doctor regenerations and reveals from “The Husbands of River Song” to "The Giggle")
Fifteen: “Ham & Cheese toastie and a pumpkin latte.”
Twelve: “Do you mind?! We were in the middle of… personal activities!”
Fifteen: “I am so sorry… wait a tic, I remember this… you’re playing Twister, aren’t you?”
River: “Oh, we most definitely are playing Twister… if you catch my drif-
Twelve: “Wait, no, shut up, did he just say-
River: “Did you just tell your wife to shut up…?”
Twelve: “What…? You tell me to shut up all the time, I thought it was our ‘thing’ as a couple.”
River: “Our ‘thing’ as a couple is a complete mess of timey-wimey nonsense across the universe!”
Twelve: “Alright, alright, I’ll make it up to you, sweetie.”
River: “Then all is forgiven, I suppose…” (sighs)
Twelve: “Now, for Mr. Pumpkin Latte over here-
Fifteen: “I swear on Chesterton’s name, I didn’t know it was you, otherwise I would’ve sent an alert before barging in technically uninvited!”
River: “Wait a hot minute… is this a send-up? Am I being punked? …or am I being hunked…?”
Fifteen: “Haaah… listen, River, sweetie, it’s not what you think-
Twelve: “Look, whatever it is I’m sure it’s important, but I’m about to win this game with our wife.”
River: “I told you, no Venusian aikido allowed!”
Twelve: “Well, you’re using Tersuran yoga!”
River: “That’s totally diff… wait, did you just say-
Twelve: “Did you try to justify double standards to your husband in front of your husband…?”
River: “But… so he’s… how many faces do you have?!”
Fifteen: “Oh, you have no idea, honey…” (laughs)
River: “Oh, this is far too much… and yes, I did.”
Twelve: “Okay, you- (points at River) -need to lighten up just a bit and play by the rules for a change.”
River: “Since when have you cared about rules?”
Twelve: “…okay, fair point.”
River: “Hm.” (nods with a smile)
Twelve: “And you- (points at Fifteen) -need to leave!”
Fifteen: “But how could I possibly have known?!”
Twelve: “The sign on the door. It says ‘KEEP OUT’.”
River: “No, it says ‘STAY AWAY ME’.”
Twelve: “Well, I’m he, and he’s me-
Fifteen: “And we are all together, goo goo g’joob!”
River: “No, you wrote it specifically for Ashildr.”
Twelve: “Hoist by my own legal loophole…”
Fifteen: “Well, I will take your advice and leave-
Twelve: “Wait! Before you go, since I won’t remember any of this later anyway, I’m curious to know-
Twelve: “Like I said, I won’t remem-
River: “I meant spoilers for me, sweetie!”
Twelve: “Oh, you won’t need to worry, darling…”
Twelve: “How far along are you, anyway?”
Fifteen: “Well… three and five, I suppose?”
Twelve: “Three… and five?”
River: “Oh, so you’re number twenty!”
Fifteen: “Actually, I’m number fifteen.”
Twelve: “Wait, but what about the other five?”
Fifteen: “Other two… goo goo g’joobs.”
Twelve: “Okay, I’m ever so slightly befuddled…”
Fifteen: “Alright, since you won’t remember, and since River’s gonna find out anyway-
River: “What on Darillium are you insinuating?”
Fifteen: “River, babes… please.”
River: “…yeah, you got me there.”
Fifteen: “I’ll give you the tl;dr: Thirteen, then Master, then Thirteen again, then Fourteen - who looks like Ten - then Yours Truly in tandem with Fourteen.”
Twelve: “I’m sorry… we become Thirteen, and then… you said the Master?!”
Fifteen: “Yes! He forces her to regenerate into him-
Twelve: “He, the Doctor, forces her, Missy, to regenerate into him, the Doctor?”
Fifteen: “Other way ‘round, honey.”
Twelve: “Then… I’m gonna be a-
Fifteen: “Mhm.” (Nods; smiles)
Twelve: “So… we undo the Master’s regeneration, and then we get back one of our old faces…”
Twelve: “But… you said you regenerate ‘in tandem’ with New-Ten.”
Fifteen: “Oh, Isaac Newton… he is hot af!”
River: “I imagine he has real mavitas, yes?”
Fifteen: “Oh, yes… best fifty-five seconds of that trip.”
River: “Oh, I can imagine…” (chuckles)
Fifteen: “Right… short story shorter, we bigenerate.”
Twelve: (laughs derisively)
Fifteen: “We do! I swear!”
Twelve: “Bigeneration is a myth! A fairy story!”
Fifteen: “So was the Solitract until it turned up real!”
Twelve: “Poppycock! The Solitract Dimension was just another of Granny Five’s tall tales.”
Fifteen: “Well, then it’ll be a nice surprise for you.”
Twelve: “I look forward to it.”
Fifteen: “Okay, I’m off.” (turns to leave)
River: “Until the next time, ‘babes’.”
Fifteen: “Oh, one other thing.” (looks back)
Fifteen: “You know the saying ‘before the beginning’?”
Twelve: “Of course I do. Why?”
Fifteen: “Morbius. Doctor Four. Face Twelve.” (leaves)
Twelve: “No… those faces…?”
Twelve: “How many of me are out there?!”
