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𝐃𝐮𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐲 -> AO3

Pairing: Subaru Kagami x Female Hotarubi!Reader Tags: Mutual Feelings, Secret Crushes, Soft Romance, Kiss Disclaimer: Subaru Kagami Has Dissociative Identity Disorder Both Subaru Identities Love Reader Reader Is Down Bad For Subaru Words Count: 20,656 Note: I originally wrote this for Subaru's birthday, but I completely forgot to post it because it was a holiday where I live at the time. I left the story unfinished for a while because I wasn't satisfied with the ending. But then I had my graduation recently, and it somehow gave me the inspiration to finally finish this fic. Also, I just watched Kokuho in my country and the movie was absolutely 🤌🏻💋 Masterlist

In your mind, Subaru, when he's in love, it is very subtle at first because he is actually very, very, very good at hiding his feelings and keeping secrets. You would never know he is even interested in you, let alone that he likes you. Yeah, there is no way. It sounds so ridiculous.

He treats you the same as everyone else, no difference. He is very polite around you, a bit cautious and careful, but so what? He is like that with everybody. You're not that special. At least, that is what you think.

But you don't know, you would never know, you cannot know, how his heart slightly beats off rhythm ever since you stepped into his life.

I would say that for Subaru to like you, it is not hard but not easy either. He keeps to himself a lot, so in order for him to warm up to you, you need to be around him often. Like working alongside him, doing tasks similar to what Haku does. So maybe you're one of those juniors whom Haku trusts with small duties around Hotarubi when he is unavailable because of missions. He also knows what Subaru is like, so he is very strict when choosing someone to handle tasks with Subaru while he is away. He might look chill and laid-back, but his standards are high.

So it is such an honor for you to be chosen to work by Subaru's side. You need to be thoughtful and perceptive enough for this job. So yes, of course you are fit for the role.

As for Subaru, at first he has doubts that a new face could help him because he has grown used to shouldering everything alone. On top of that, most general students do not want to be around him because of rumors, so he keeps his distance from them most of the time. Haku suddenly dragging a newcomer along indeed catches him off guard.

He might not hand you many tasks at first, as he feels like he would only be bothering you. So you would have to confront him, saying that you are here to work with him, not to idle around, so he better give you something real to do or you will tell Haku about this. Subaru apologizes several times before finally giving you proper work. And to his surprise, you complete everything with great precision and speed. You are also a quick learner.

Of course you are. Otherwise, why would Haku allow you to assist him, right?

So you remain by his side, working with him little by little every day. Following him around, asking if he needs help with anything, always reminding him to get some rest and eat his meals. You even remember his schedule, like when he has lunch with Lyca.

It is not something he is used to at first; it overwhelms him a little. But gradually he becomes accustomed to your presence, to the point that if you are not there or if Haku happens to be around instead, he feels slightly strange. Like some piece of his life has been misplaced. So before he even realizes it, his eyes are always following your path, searching for you in the sea of people, in the dorms, across the campus, around the garden.

Even among those blurry silhouettes beneath the heavy rain and the gloomy sky of Hotarubi, his gaze always seeks you out. And there might be a day when you accidentally drop something, maybe your hair clip falls, or your bowtie slips loose. He picks it up without thinking, and suddenly he notices you laughing with your friends. The way you try to catch up with lessons in class. How you enjoy every meal during the day. How you pat those chunky cats around campus, or sprinkle candies for the anomalies scattered throughout the school.

And especially the way you defend him when someone gossips behind his back.

He sees all of it. At first, he feels guilty and ashamed. Self-doubt and insecurity creep over him at the realization that, despite those nasty rumors, you still stand by his side and place your faith in him.

He wonders if you feel that way because you look up to Haku, or if it is because of him, or perhaps because you simply enjoy the position of assistant. He does not know, and at first he does not want to know the answer. But slowly, curiosity grows stronger. He becomes more interested in how you see him and what you truly think about him.

You never seem to lose your composure around him. Always proper and polite, just like he is. Yet somehow he notices that straightforward part of you, and it is endearing to him. And the way you become more casual when speaking with Haku, laughing, smiling, joking freely.

He wants that too. He wants you to feel that comfortable around him as well, and he hopes that he could someday be just as at ease around you. But he cannot. He would not dare to. He only hopes you will not get yourself tangled up with someone like him. So he chooses to keep your relationship strictly professional. And he doubts you even see him as anything more than your House captain. He cannot even call the two of you friends either way.

But Subaru didn’t know that you had always looked up to him ever since you arrived at Hotarubi, and once you learned that Subaru was your captain, you had always wanted to be able to help him. It’s a bit embarrassing, but you were a huge fan of his back when he was still on stage, so you were very sad when he left so suddenly. Maybe fate is that twisted, it let you meet him here at Darkwick.

Somehow, the person you thought you would never be able to meet is now right in front of you, sitting beside you so closely that your fingers could brush, yet both of you keep a proper distance as if crossing that line would turn the world into a catastrophe.

All you dare to do is steal a few glances at him. And that’s it. You have no further intentions or thoughts about him. At least, you try to convince yourself of that because you don’t think you and he even belong to the same world, even when you stand this close to him.

* ⚘* ⚘* ⚘

It all happens on one quiet night, maybe not that quiet, because the rain drizzling across the garden makes it harder to fall asleep. Even though you have grown used to that sound, and it has practically become your white noise by now, it suddenly becomes so hard to sleep that night. So you wake up, standing in the hall and looking out at the garden. The soft rain blurs the scenery, purple petals fall with the raindrops, scattered across the landscape. You can barely see the moonlight because of the rainy veil. But you spot a silhouette in the distance.

It’s not abnormal for someone to be in the garden at this hour. The thing you don’t like about Hotarubi is that you can’t just walk freely around without getting soaked or drenched. Umbrellas become a bit too much of a hassle at times, so most students rarely use one anyway. But you don’t like being soaked, so of course you still use one. And even when the students are used to getting caught in the rain, they would never just randomly stand under it for no reason like that.

You don’t think much about it as you grab the umbrella by your doorstep and make your way through the rainy veil. Your slippers splash against the wet puddles on the ground, and with each step, the rain seems to grow heavier. It blurs the view ahead, and with darkness falling around you like velvet, you can’t make out who it is even as you draw closer.

“Hello,” you call out through the rain. Your voice seems to echo, disturbing the velvet of the night laced between the sound of the rainfall. “Are you okay?”

The silhouette turns slightly to face you, and once you stop in front of him, you recognize him. Isn’t this your House captain? What on earth is he doing out in the rain in the middle of the night? Without an umbrella too!

“C-Captain! What are you doing here?” you ask with concern and worry in your tone as you lift your hand a little higher, shielding him with your umbrella and blocking the cold drift of rain, though he is already soaked by now.

Your eyes meet his, and for a moment you are stunned by his expression. His eyes seem hollow, like every trace of soul and light has been sucked away from them.

Subaru Kagami, the star Kabuki actor, of course he would have a very attractive face. He looks like a porcelain doll, as if one touch from you could shatter him into pieces. His skin is white as snow and looks even paler now, maybe because of the cold, wet rain, to the point that even his lips seem to lose their color. And the beauty mark right under his eye looks as if it invites people to plant a soft kiss upon it. He appears like a masterpiece sculpted by angels themselves, to the point that sometimes you don’t dare to look directly into his eyes, because his face is too distracting for you to focus on your work.

And also because you’re afraid that if you stare at him a bit too long, even if only for a second, he would know exactly what is going on in your head: how your heart beats off rhythm and how you feel about him. You know that Subaru has a habit of not getting too close to anyone. He is very polite and proper but a bit too cautious, and you think it is because of the rumors surrounding him. But at the same time, you feel like he is avoiding something.

It isn’t as simple as him not liking people being too close. He just seems unwilling to come into contact with anyone or anything that belongs to someone else. Even when you hand him documents, you are very careful about it. And since Haku gave you a bit of a heads-up about that habit of his, you have taken note and even started wearing gloves, just in case that would help Subaru feel more comfortable around you.

You just think he may have some obsession with being clean and tidy, or maybe some mental struggle, though you don’t really know much about him. But still, you are careful when it comes to contact with him.

You look at his face, his hair sticking to the side of it. On usual days he is always so well-groomed and tidy that you are not used to seeing this messy side of him. And even when water is dripping from the strands of his hair to his forehead and spreading across his porcelain-like face, it still looks velvety and silky. For other people, being drenched in rain would turn them into a mess, but somehow the rain only brings out Subaru’s soft features even more. As if the rain itself loves him, falling and dripping on him like gentle kisses placed upon his features.

Your eyes widen and flicker with surprise. You want to help him wipe away the streaming water, but you don’t dare to, and you won’t, because that is definitely not what he would want you to do. So your hand only grips the umbrella handle tighter as you speak again.

“What are you doing out here?” you ask hesitantly, feeling awkward like this. But letting your captain stand under the rain doesn’t seem right either.

But tonight, Subaru is strange. His eyes remain hollow, yet slowly the corner of his lips curves upward faintly. It’s the soft smile you usually see on his face. But because his gaze is so lifeless, it makes the smile somewhat eerie. It’s like looking at an old painting, worn and faded under the rain. He just seems unreal in your eyes.

He doesn’t answer you right away, letting the silence fall between you as his gaze lifts toward the dark, rainy sky again.

“It sounds pretty, don’t you think?” he finally says, not answering your question but drifting to something else entirely.

You are confused by his odd behavior, but you still follow his gaze. The only thing you see is pitch-black darkness and raindrops hitting the rooftop, along with the rustling of wind and leaves.

And he doesn’t say anything further. He simply becomes unusually quiet. Normally, Subaru isn’t much of a talker, but he would still try to make small conversation. Now, he just doesn’t seem to mind the fact that someone has caught him standing under the rain in the middle of the night. You see the rain soaking through his shirt. You really want to pull him inside quickly, afraid that he might catch a cold, but you don’t dare to touch him at all. You don’t want him to feel uncomfortable around you.

But his odd behavior somehow makes you feel uneasy tonight.

“You should go inside, Captain,” you say quietly, trying to soften your voice because you don’t know what is on his mind and you don’t want to sound like you are nagging. “You might catch a cold…”

But he only lets out a soft chuckle at your words as he answers you, his gaze still fixed on the sky, and you can’t quite see his expression because of the shadows on his face.

He doesn’t seem to listen to anything you say as he suddenly asks,

“Why are you out here this late at night?”

And only now do you notice that Subaru, who is usually polite and always uses honorifics when speaking to you, no longer does so. You don’t question it much because he is older than you after all, but it is still odd because Subaru is usually very careful when it comes to speaking with others. You are unsure whether he truly wonders why you are here or if he just doesn’t want to go inside and is trying to avoid the subject.

“... I couldn’t sleep,” you answer honestly as he turns his face slightly toward you. “You can’t sleep either, Captain?”

You ask more quietly and gently, trying to ease whatever might be weighing on his mind.

And even that small movement makes you jump a little because it seems too stiff, like he is a puppet whose joints are being moved by someone else. You have to tiptoe a bit to shield him properly under the umbrella, and you feel a small patch of wetness and cold on the side of your shoulders as some rain drizzles onto your jacket.

Even though he doesn’t show much expression, somehow his presence alone is enough to scare you in a way. It feels like he isn’t himself, as if he were someone else entirely. Like something has possessed him somehow. But what do you know about Subaru anyway? Besides him being your captain and the fact that you help him with tasks, you have no idea who he truly is or what he hides beneath that cautious and proper exterior.

“Yes, I also couldn’t fall asleep.” His voice is soft, but it carries something unnatural within it. “It sings for me…”

He continues, and each word he says only makes you more confused.

“What?” you ask without thinking, though he doesn’t seem to mind your question.

“The rain, the wind, the leaves, and the flowers,” he says as his eyes wander across the garden before eventually settling on you.

“And you.”

You don’t quite understand his words as you look at him. You? Sang for him? Or did he mean something else about why you couldn’t sleep? You don’t know anymore as you look at the man standing before you. And only now do you realize how tall he actually is. You have grown used to seeing Subaru standing among other people, so he never seemed that tall compared to many of them. But now that only you are standing beside him and this close, you finally realize how his shadow can loom over you.

Subaru’s eyes quickly glance toward your shoulder as he notices the raindrops seeping through the fabric, and he suddenly leans down slightly.

“You should go back inside,” he says, his eyes narrowing a little. He seems displeased by how you rushed out here without enough layers to protect you from the cold, as if he isn’t the one standing soaked under the heavy rain. “It’s cold out here,” he adds, a bit more sincerely.

You are confused by how quickly his mood and subject have changed, making him hard to follow. But you still stand there in place while looking up at him.

“What about you, Captain?” you ask as you watch the raindrops slide along the side of his long, slender neck like crystals on a blank snowy canvas. “Shouldn’t you come inside too?”

Even though you are scared by his odd behavior, you still worry about him.

You don’t want him to collapse outside in this garden under the rain and have someone discover his corpse in the morning, especially when you are already standing right in front of him. But your words don’t seem to reach him as he doesn’t answer, just staring down at you coldly.

His look is so sinister that you don’t understand it at all. As if the one in front of you is some wicked void that has taken the shape of your sweet captain to lure you into its trap and devour you at any moment. And living in Darkwick, you doubt that such a thing would be impossible. But even though you don’t know much about Subaru, you can still tell that the man in front of you is indeed him, not some creature that has taken his appearance. Still, the way his presence feels makes it seem as if he could disappear at any moment, blurring and dissolving into the rainy veil.

You can’t think of any other option, so you reach your free hand out and softly tug on the sleeve of his shirt, now damp with rain, unsure how he will react to your action. Even the hand gripping the umbrella has a sweaty palm as you look up at him.

“Can you come back inside with me…” You pause for a moment as your voice comes out low and hesitant, a bit awkward as well as you wonder if you are crossing a line. “Please…” you add, thinking it might be better to say that as his eyes bore into your soul.

He doesn’t answer you just yet as his hand suddenly reaches out to grab the umbrella in your hand. His slender, long fingers curl around yours as well, making your eyes widen at the sudden action. You feel his skin against yours, the smooth palm covering your hand, wet and cold. It almost feels unrealistic for human skin. His hollow eyes remain on you, and the soft smile curves on his lips again as he speaks.

“Let me hold the umbrella then.”

You only nod as you slip your hand away, still stunned by his action. You try to keep your distance while the two of you walk back to the dorm, but the cold rain hitting your shoulder pulls you back to your scattered thoughts. Before you can process anything, you feel Subaru’s hand around your shoulder. Your attention shifts back to him as he pulls you a bit closer, not close enough to touch him, but close enough to be properly shielded under the umbrella.

You think he shouldn’t worry about your condition but more about himself, yet you still murmur a small thank you to him. Once you both step inside the hall, the puddles the two of you leave behind make quite a mess. You don’t think much about it as you quickly scramble to your room and grab a towel for him.

“You should dry yourself, Captain,” you say as you hand him the towel.

He takes it, his fingertip brushing yours softly. He still smiles at you, though he doesn’t seem to use it at all. You grow a bit worried at his slow movements while drying himself as water continues to drip from his clothes.

“Don’t call me that,” he suddenly says, something that doesn’t relate to what you were saying at all.

You look at him in confusion as Subaru steps a bit closer to you, leaning down so that his face comes nearer, making you almost take a step back as you straighten your posture.

“Subaru is fine,” he continues as his piercing gaze seems to crack open your skull. “Isn’t that what you always call me in your head?”

“W-what?” you ask as your voice trembles slightly, your hands clenching at your sides as he lets out a small laugh.

It echoes so uncannily in the small space between you that you wonder whether he has known about your little crush on him all along. Your heart beats so loudly it almost jumps out of your chest as your gaze flickers toward him.

But he doesn’t press the matter further. Instead, you see him drape the towel over his head, covering almost half of his face. The dim light from your room casts across the side of his face, making him look even more uncanny now.

“Can you help me, please?” Suddenly he uses honorifics again as he leans down to your level, gesturing for you to help him dry his hair with the towel placed on top.

You freeze in place when you hear his request. You hesitate, wondering why he asks you that or whether you should do it. But soon you lift your hand and slowly, softly help him dry his hair.

Your palm rests on the edge of the towel as you gently rub his hair dry. It’s the first time you have helped someone with this, so your movements are a bit clumsy and unsure. And because that person is Subaru, you just seem to want to be even more gentle with him. It’s not that you see him as fragile, but rather because… you like him. Who wouldn’t want to be gentle with the person they like? You don’t want to hurt him, so you are extra careful while drying his hair.

Until the water seeps into the fabric of the towel, until the drops stop falling from his hair. His eyes remain on your face the whole time, making you incredibly nervous under his gaze. You have to focus on what you are doing and avoid looking into his eyes so your hands won’t start shaking.

But his hand catches your wrist, so gently and softly, yet his grip is tight enough to startle you as you meet his gaze again.

“You’re being very nice to me,” he says. The words roll off his tongue casually, but you can hear another hint within them.

Is he… sulking?

But he told you to do that.

“I- I… you asked me to help you,” you try to argue as his smile fades.

And he looks at you so coldly that his gaze makes you shiver. It almost feels like the person in front of you isn’t him. You have never seen Subaru’s gaze look so cold, nor his thoughts so impossible to read. You swallow and remain quiet because those rumors begin to swirl in your mind as you wonder…

“You will do anything I ask you to?” he asks. His voice is still eerie, but there is a subtle hint of coldness within it.

The wind breezes through, the cold night air seeping beneath your skin, through the fabric of your clothes, laced with his voice as you almost tremble.

“You’re my captain…” you answer quietly. “I’d do what you need within my capabilities.” You don’t think much about your words because that is what you promised Haku when he chose you to help Subaru while he is unavailable.

Which means both of them entrusted you with this duty in some way. And you take your job seriously. You don’t want to let them down when they have placed such trust and faith in you. So of course you would try your best to do whatever Subaru needs within your ability. It wasn’t a lie.

But suddenly, the man in front of you lets out a laugh, a small giggle that sounds so eerie you can’t help but shiver. The way the floorboards creak beneath your feet only adds to the unsettling atmosphere. The towel still covers part of his face, making it hard for you to see his expression.

“Anything… anything…” he repeats in a murmur as you don’t know what to say. His grip on your wrist tightens, his fingers cold against your burning skin.

You try to slip away, but he doesn’t give you the space to do so as his gaze lands on your face again.

“You shouldn’t say that to anyone, especially not to a man,” he tells you, his eyes shifting slightly as he looks into yours, like you finally catch a faint glimmer of light returning within them. But it lasts only a brief second before they turn hollow again.

His words travel coldly into your ears as he doesn’t give you a chance to respond before continuing.

“It means that I could do anything I want to you.”

His face leans closer to yours as he says that, his forehead slightly bumping against yours. You can feel his breath on your skin brushing past the tip of your nose. You feel his scent filling your lungs, surrounding you. Cold water drips from his face down the nape of your neck, slipping beneath the collar of your shirt, making you shiver at the icy touch.

His hand slides up and gently caresses the side of your face. Even though you are scared of the man in front of you, you can’t help wanting to lean closer to his touch. Because he touches you so tenderly, so softly, as if you are some delicate flower in his hands. And the way his gaze flickers across your face, even though they remain hollow, you somehow still see a hint of softness behind his eyes.

He presses his forehead quietly against yours when he sees you don’t push him away. For a moment, you hear him exhale a soft breath of relief? Of satisfaction? You don’t know. But being in contact with you seems to satisfy him in some way.

You have never had any physical contact with Subaru before. You have always kept your distance. Even when handing him objects, there were always layers of gloves between the two of you.

This is the first time you have ever been this close to him. And he seems bolder with his touches than you ever imagined. You always viewed him as a proper person who kept to himself. You would never have imagined he would caress you with such affection.

His soft fingertip brushing against your cheek pulls you back from the thoughts running through your mind.

“Ca- Subaru…” you call for him, but he seems lost in his own world as his lips curve into a soft smile once more.

You feel heat rising from the back of your neck to your face, and you are sure you must look incredibly foolish in his eyes right now. Your mind practically malfunctions as you try to distract him.

“You’re soaked from the rain. You should go inside and dry yourself first,” you say a bit too quickly, stumbling over your words.

But he shakes his head slightly with a soft chuckle before leaning even closer. His voice drips like a whisper near your ear, making you shiver. You can feel his breath brushing against the tip of it.

“You shouldn’t invite anyone into your room like that.”

Your face grows even hotter at his words as you slip your wrist away from his grip, but he holds you firmly in place again. Your heart pounds loudly as your eyes meet his. His gaze is still hollow and unreadable.

For a moment that feels like eternity, he suddenly lets you go, stepping away from your space. He removes the towel from his head and hands it back to you. Your hand catches it instinctively.

“You should go back to sleep,” he says as he slowly turns and walks away.

Your gaze follows him, but you remain frozen in place. Your mind cannot comprehend what just happened as his silhouette gradually blends into the dark, endless hallway before disappearing from your sight.

His voice still seems to echo eerily in the air as your heart beats so loudly that you can’t even hear the rain anymore. The tip of your ear, the side of your face, the skin of your wrist, everywhere his touch lingers, everywhere you feel burning.

You stumble backward slightly until your back hits the wall behind you, and you slide down to the ground. Your heart beats so fast that you are afraid you might wake the whole dorm. You bury your face into the towel in your hands out of embarrassment.

WHAT IN THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?

* ⚘* ⚘* ⚘

You wake up that morning remembering what happened last night. You barely got a wink of sleep after the encounter between you and Subaru, tossing and turning until almost sunrise before you were able to sleep a little. Your eyes must be red right now, with heavy eyebags from the lack of sleep.

You wonder if what happened last night was real or if it was all just some strange dream. So you pull yourself up and get ready for the day, trying to collect your breath and thoughts since you have to meet Subaru today anyway. It would be super awkward to mention last night, so you’re not sure how you are supposed to face him.

But to your surprise, Subaru behaves as if nothing happened. He still has that proper, polite smile, speaking with the same formality as usual and giving you the occasional soft smile. You almost bail your eyes out the whole time while listening to the tasks he gives you, spacing out a little. He doesn’t seem to remember what happened, or he is very good at pretending nothing happened. You can’t tell, because you can’t really read Subaru to begin with.

And you start questioning yourself, wondering if maybe everything you saw last night was just an illusion, a dream, or a hallucination because you dared to have a crush on your perfect, kind-hearted captain. So just like that, you stay quiet and never bring it up, simply playing the role of his assistant as always.

At least, things seem to flow normally until one night.

* ⚘* ⚘* ⚘

You are staying up late reading documents and finishing your reports when you stand up and stretch, letting out a small yawn as you reach for some water. But it’s empty now, making you sigh to yourself.

Great. Now you have to go get some.

It’s pretty late and the night has fallen heavily. You’re not a fan of wandering around Darkwick at night, but making a quick trip to the common room isn’t that bad anyway. So you lift your heavy, tired steps to go get some water. It seems colder lately, so you grab your jacket before stepping out of your room.

You are greeted by a cold breeze that runs right through your skin, making you shiver. It hasn’t reached winter yet, but somehow the air always feels so cold at night in Hotarubi. So you walk through the dark hallway with the flashlight from your phone while checking WickHive. It’s just the same old stories as always, some scary ones, some gossip, some rumors. Hotarubi always has countless tales about spirits wandering around at night, scaring the hell out of most students. With the rainy nights adding to the creepy atmosphere, you understand why these stories spread so widely around campus.

To be honest, when you first arrived at Darkwick and lived in the dorm for the first time, you were a little scared. Most students in Hotarubi tend to keep to themselves. They rarely hang out at night, so the dorm always feels extremely quiet once evening falls, almost like no one lives here. Everyone tends to stay indoors. After all, the rain doesn’t really offer many opportunities for outdoor activities anyway. So there is only so much you can do.

But slowly you grow used to the atmosphere, and because you are too busy with your work and studies, you no longer pay much attention to the nights here. Though the sound of rain does grow on you after a while.

Once you arrive at the common room, you grab the jug and pour water into your bottle while looking around. It’s empty and clean because the students always tidy everything at the end of the day. A breeze drifts through the sliding door as you notice a hanten lying on the floor. It seems to disturb the tidiness of the room. So after you finish getting water, you crouch down and reach for the coat on the tatami floor. The fabric is soft, and a familiar scent fills your lungs.

Isn’t this… Subaru’s?

You wonder as you question why his jacket is here. He’s not the type to throw his belongings around randomly, and certainly not something that is part of his sleepwear.

Did he forget it here?

You don’t think much of it as you continue holding the jacket in your hands. Suddenly, you feel the urge to bury your face in it and inhale his scent, but you immediately curse yourself.

No, no, no, no!!! You are not that kind of creepy person. And you respect him far too much to do something like that.

But you don’t think clothes should be lying around on the floor like this, so you pick it up and fold it a bit neatly before taking it with you. Maybe you should give it back to him tomorrow… though it would be awkward if he asks how you knew it was his.

So you make your way back to your room. As you get closer, standing in the hallway and glancing diagonally toward the opposite corridor, you notice the silhouette of someone sitting under the soft light hanging from the ceiling. You wonder who would have the mind to sit out here at night.

Out of curiosity, your feet move as if they have a mind of their own, carrying you to the other side of the dorm. The closer you get, the more familiar that figure looks.

Isn’t that Subaru?

He is sitting on the engawa, with a traditional tea set placed neatly beside him. He must be enjoying some tea out here with the soft sound of rain. It isn’t something rare, most students do that here, but never this late at night. And they usually have company while enjoying the night together rather than sitting alone like this.

From a distance, you hear something that sounds like he is talking to someone. But you don’t see anyone else around, so you raise your eyebrows in confusion. Still, you step closer and notice that familiar floating doll sitting right next to him. He must be talking to it then, because as far as you know, only a few people on campus can communicate with that doll, and you don’t even know exactly what it is.

As if sensing your presence, the doll turns slightly to look at you before moving away from the spot, almost like it is running out of your sight.

Subaru seems confused by that as well, and he turns slightly before his eyes meet yours.

“Sorry… I didn’t mean to interrupt you, Cap-” you start to say awkwardly, stopping midway when you see those same hollow eyes from a few nights ago staring back at you. Not the usual petal-like eyes your captain has, but the cold and eerie ones.

You see the way his lips curve slightly, stiff, yet soft at the same time and you freeze in place.

“It’s fine,” he answers, his voice blending with the soft sound of rain. “He was just accompanying me for some tea time,” he continues while keeping his gaze on you. “Would you like to join me?”

You could say no. Decline. Refuse. Then return to your room, to your bed, to your warm blanket. But for some reason you don’t. The way he speaks to you, the way he asks, it is strangely alluring. Like a spider slowly trapping you in its web. And before you realize it, you have already stepped closer.

As you kneel down, about to sit beside him, you notice that he is only wearing his yukata. The thin, soft fabric seems far too exposed under the cold air. You wonder if he doesn’t feel the cold at all, because his collar is slightly open, revealing his pale, delicate collarbone. You quickly look away out of awkwardness.

You gently drape the jacket in your hands over his shoulders before finally settling next to him.

“You could catch a cold…” you say, unsure of what else to add.

He lets out a soft smile as he pulls the jacket a little closer around himself.

“How kind of you,” he says in a low, quiet voice before beginning to pour you some tea.

His delicate, slender fingers hold the teapot while the cups clink softly. Your eyes focus on his movements. It’s not the first time you have had tea with him. He always prepares it for you and Haku during meetings, after all. But every time he does it, you find yourself wanting to watch more closely, as if everything he does fascinates you, even something as simple as breathing.

He sets the cup in front of you. Without thinking much, you pick it up and take a small sip. You’re not a fan of tea that is too bitter, and if tea tastes too strong, sometimes it means the person making it doesn’t have the right technique, at least, that’s what you learned from Subaru. But most tea he makes never tastes too bitter or strong. He always uses a type that helps with sleep.

As if he knows you can’t really drink most other kinds.

But maybe you’re imagining things, because he seems to struggle with sleep himself. Maybe it simply comes from his own preference.

Since then, you have mostly only drunk tea he makes, though you rarely drink tea anyway.

As if Subaru notices the way your eyebrows relax slightly, he speaks softly.

“I hope it suits your taste,” he says gently, his voice warmer than the tea cup in your hands. “It will help you sleep better.”

You’re not usually someone who has trouble falling asleep, though lately you haven’t been sleeping well. You look at the man in front of you and wonder who he really is. Is he truly Subaru? And why does he act so differently during the day? Is he trying to trick you somehow?

“Thank you. It tastes great,” you answer quietly. “But… I don’t really lose sleep that often…”

Maybe he does, though.

Raindrops fall softly from the rooftop as the wind drifts through. A heavy drop lands on a fragile petal that gently falls into the still surface of the tea in your cup.

Your gaze follows the purple petal resting quietly there.

Such a fragile thing, yet able to disturb the still surface.

His gaze also drops to the cup in your hands.

“What an unfortunate thing, isn’t it?” he suddenly says.

Your eyes flick back to him before you realize he is talking about the petal in your tea.

“…Why would it be?” you ask quietly.

He only smiles before shifting his gaze toward the rain-covered garden again, and you follow his line of sight.

Whenever you follow his gaze, it always feels like you’re staring into a void, an endless darkness blurred behind the rainy veil. Yet he watches as if there is a world of wonder hidden there.

“It disturbs the peace and perfection, don’t you think?” he answers while still looking toward the distant garden.

A soft breeze passes through the two of you, stirring his silky hair slightly and revealing more of the side of his face. You notice the beauty mark beneath his eye.

You have so many questions and so much confusion about him, yet you don’t know where or how to begin. So you remain quiet, lowering your gaze back to your cup.

“No matter how beautiful they are, something fragile like a petal will soon wither,” he continues.

“And no one will want to look at it anymore.”

You let his words sink in, wondering if he is simply talking about plants while more petals drift down through the soft wind.

“Well, I think they’re still beautiful regardless,” you reply while taking another sip from your cup, not minding the petal floating inside. “Imperfection is what adds to their charm.”

Because honestly, the first time you stepped into the Hotarubi garden, everything seemed beautiful to you, so beautiful that you were stunned for a moment. You had never seen such a spacious and lovely garden anywhere before, so of course you were thrilled to stay in a place like that.

But other than that, you never really noticed anything else here.

Because once you learned that Subaru was here, nothing else seemed as beautiful as him.

You remember the first day you saw him, walking through the hallway with the group of first-year students while the staff introduced the place. You noticed a figure standing in the garden under soft wisteria flowers, beneath an umbrella shielding him from the rain.

You saw someone who looked as if he was loved by the gods themselves, loved by the flowers, the rain, and the scenery around him. Everything else suddenly seemed dull and faded the moment you saw him. The noise, the petals, the rain, everything became background scenery that only highlighted his presence more and more.

His beauty made you think that every flower in that garden should feel ashamed.

Even when he wasn’t shining like a colorful, glorious blossom, he somehow still became the most striking flower in the garden.

You were so stunned to see Subaru that closely that by the time you realized it, the group of students had already moved on, leaving you standing there dumbfounded. As a result, you got lost while trying to find the common room until Subaru noticed and offered to take you there.

Subaru’s eyes fall back on you slightly when he hears your words.

“Is that so…” he murmurs softly.

Yes, it is so.

Because your eyes have always been captured by him, and you don’t really care about anything else. No matter how beautiful other things are, they still cannot compare to what you see in him.

Whether the flowers wither or not, it is simply the natural cycle of life.

And to you, nothing in this world is perfect. Even a crack, a dot, or a splash can become something distinctive in someone. A highlight that brings out everything more. And those who don’t realize how much charm they hold must not truly understand the effect they have on others.

Imperfection is part of the nature of the world, and it is not something to be ashamed of. Instead, it is something each person carries.

You let out a soft breath, the gentle scent of tea lingering in your lungs. The man beside you remains silent for a moment.

“Do you think a petal could disturb any moment in life?” you ask, wanting to understand him a little better, how he thinks and how he views the world.

He lets out a soft chuckle that tickles your ears and makes your heart beat a little faster as you take another sip of tea.

He doesn’t answer your question, leaving you wondering if he finds your words naive. You don’t really know.

But you feel exposed every time you speak to him, as if he can see everything you feel, even the deepest emotions hidden at the bottom of your heart, making it hard for you to face him properly.

Then he lifts his gaze to the dark night sky, as if waiting for something. He exhales softly while you sneak a glance at him from the corner of your eye.

You feel like a thief.

Looking directly at him feels like beholding a treasure that God has hidden away, something no mortal eyes have the right to see. Yet you, an ordinary person, are allowed to witness this sight.

The corner of his lips lifts gently. His long eyelashes flutter slightly. His slender neck stretches upward as he tilts his gaze toward the rain.

And you notice a small beauty mark on his collarbone before quickly looking away again.

You see his delicate fingers take the cup from his side as he takes a small sip, so you follow him, also taking a small sip from your cup. The atmosphere is peaceful, as the stillness of the air just makes the night seem quieter despite the sound of rain.

But suddenly a strong gust of wind breezes up and catches you off guard. No warning, no heads-up at all. Just out of nowhere, the rain seems heavier, making the soft leaves rustle as petals scatter everywhere, covering the ground, and some blow into the hall as you lift your arm to block in front of your face, almost dropping the cup of tea in your hand before a cold hand catches it for you, wrapping his palm firmly around your hand as he keeps your cup from spilling.

When the wind finally stops, you pull your hand down and see that Subaru is right next to you now. He lets out a small smile as you wonder what is so funny. Was it because the wind caught your hair and left it so disheveled? He helps you take the cup away, placing it softly on the tray as you lift your hand, trying to smooth down your hair while wondering if you look like an idiot or silly in his eyes.

Embarrassed by the thought, you plan to turn away, but Subaru reaches out for you first. His hand gently smooths the hair on your head down. His delicate touch feels so soft as his fingers almost thread into your hair. Then he picks something out. Between his fingertips, you see a soft petal pressed gently against his pale skin.

Your face still burns as you glance away slightly.

“Do I look stupid?”

You ask, and he only lets out more laughter.

It rumbles through the rain to your ears and heart as you just want to bury yourself in the ground.

But then he speaks up. “No, it suits you,” he says as he lets the petal go. The wind picks up again, slightly blowing the soft petal away from his hand into the rainy night as it disappears behind the blurry veil.

You notice that on Subaru's hair there are also a few small petals resting neatly upon it. His hair is slightly disheveled too. But he still looks beautiful. Like a page that got flipped in an artist’s sketchbook. It might make the paint smudge a little, but the colors seep even deeper between the pages, creating such a vivid scene as you see the wisteria petals pressed against his light brown hair. It creates a contrast that brings out his features, yet also suits him well. If anything, flowers just seem to add even more to his beauty, blurred behind the veil of rain as he softly smiles at a few petals falling into the palm of his hand.

And in that moment of daze, you quietly speak up.

“It suits you too.” And you can feel the burning sensation creeping down to your neck.

His eyes flicker back to you as you quickly clear your throat to break the awkwardness and avoid the topic any further. You are afraid that if you stay longer, he might be able to read your mind.

“Thank you for the tea. I’ll return to my room now,” you say to him, a bit too politely, as his eyes remain on you.

And to break the silence, you add, “You should rest soon too… it’s already late.”

You stand up, about to leave. About to run away from his stillness and piercing gaze. But when you turn away, you hear a quiet voice behind you.

“Good night, Wisteria.”

It catches you off guard for a moment as you turn back slightly, but his gaze is already back on the rainy night, so you only murmur a good night in return.

You then head back to your room, almost running and scrambling inside as you worry your heart might beat too loudly, and that if you stayed one more moment he would hear everything. You slide the door closed behind you.

You flop down onto your blanket and silently scream into the pillow.

He’s definitely not your captain. Or is he?

You don’t know anymore. He doesn’t seem like a stranger to you, but he definitely didn’t behave like your captain.

Does Subaru have some kind of personality identity disorder? You wonder. You don’t know anymore. You’re too tired to think as your eyelids grow heavy.

He was right. The tea does help with sleep. As seconds pass, you already fall deep into slumber.

* ⚘* ⚘* ⚘

It was a normal day as you ran around doing tasks. With heavy boxes in your arms, you hurried down the hall. Of course, unable to see the path ahead, you almost bumped into someone, but you managed to stop in time, nearly falling over as you held the boxes tightly.

“Sorry, sorry,” you quickly said as you planned to continue walking away, but your eyes met a familiar pair of eyes.

“C-Captain.” You spoke up, almost biting your tongue, as it had been a couple of days since you last saw Subaru.

He had been on a mission lately, so you hadn’t really seen him on campus these past few days. His eyes widened, seeming surprised to see you too, before they quickly dropped to the heavy boxes in your arms.

“Sorry for running in the hall. I was in a hurry,” you tried to explain, feeling embarrassed for almost bumping into him.

Normally, he would awkwardly apologize to you too, even when he did nothing wrong, and then offer to help. But today something felt odd about him, as if he didn’t quite look you in the eyes. He averted his gaze slightly before speaking so quietly you almost couldn’t hear him.

“I will help you with that.” He lifted the boxes from your hands with ease, and you didn’t even have time to stop him before he continued, “Where do you need them to be?”

So you answered him. “The storage room. It’s for next week’s festival.” Then he let out a small smile as he turned and walked away.

Noticing you were still standing in place, he turned slightly. “Are you not coming?” he asked as you shook your head, then nodded, then shook it again.

“Y-yes, I am.” And you quickly followed him until you were walking side by side down the hallway.

“Is it okay? I heard you just came back from a long mission,” you spoke up as you felt a bit uneasy letting your captain do your work when you were supposed to be here to help him, not the other way around, as you looked up at him.

“It’s fine,” he said as he continued to look forward. His tone sounded concerned and worried. “I’m sorry for the overflow of workload…” he spoke so quietly you almost couldn’t hear him.

“I’m here to help you, Captain,” you answered him almost immediately, sounding a bit defensive as you cleared your throat. “Sorry… I mean, this is my job too. I don’t find it overwhelming at all.”

He let out a soft smile before continuing. “That’s good to hear.” He paused for a moment as the light hit the side of his face just right, making him look like an angel. “But you should get some rest sometimes too.”

It sounded casual, with no deeper intention behind it, so you didn’t really think much of it. But you spoke up anyway.

“You too, Captain.” You hesitated for a moment as his face seemed indifferent. “Did you… sleep well lately?”

You saw the way his hands gripped the boxes tighter. His shoulders stiffened as he was clearly caught off guard by your sudden question. He didn’t answer right away, and his gaze stayed straight ahead.

“Yeah, I sleep well…” he answered. There was no hint of confidence behind it, making you feel a bit skeptical.

He might not really have been sleeping well. Does that mean the “Subaru” you met at night was him sleepwalking? Can sleepwalking people wander around and talk so clearly like that? You don’t know anymore. You have a lot of questions in your mind, but you don’t know whether you should ask him. And… you might not want to know the truth.

Because why on earth would he behave that way toward you but act like nothing happened the next day? Because he’s embarrassed? Awkward? Or did he find it amusing?

You don’t know. You really don’t. He makes you so confused, but at the same time you can’t blame him. You don’t even know if he understands what is going on with himself anyway.

And as if he could sense the sudden shift in your mood, his gaze shifted to you in worry, his voice quiet with concern.

“Are you not sleeping well lately?” he asked, and you could sense a faint hint of care in it. But it was so subtle you wondered if you were just imagining things.

You hesitated for a moment, but then decided to answer honestly. “You could say so…” You chose your words carefully. “I wake up in the middle of the night a lot.”

“Maybe some tea could help you fall asleep better?” he said, though it sounded more like a question, a suggestion, or an offer.

You weren’t sure. But it reminded you of what happened the other night, when you sat beneath the roof, staring at the rainy night while sharing some tea with him.

“Maybe…” you murmured. “Do you often drink tea before you sleep?” you asked again.

You wouldn’t say you’re the talkative type. You usually only talk while working because you need to communicate and exchange information with him. Other than that, Subaru is usually very quiet too, so the two of you tend not to talk much outside of work and rarely share personal things. Which sometimes makes small conversations awkward. But today, you didn’t feel that way. Somehow you felt more relaxed asking him certain questions.

“Ah, that… sometimes I do,” he answered quietly, and you noticed the subtle stutter in his words.

You wondered what made him so awkward about the question, so you added another one.

“With Saburo?”

You asked it casually, but he suddenly stopped walking, and you stopped too as you looked at him.

For a brief moment, you saw the light in his eyes drain away, but it was only a fleeting second, too quick to tell whether it was real or just your imagination.

“I’d drink with Saburo… but he can’t really drink… so technically I’m drinking alone,” he answered your question with a subtle smile before continuing to walk ahead, and you followed him again. Somehow his voice sounded lonelier than before, though you couldn’t quite explain why.

This time his pace seemed quicker, as if he wanted to reach the storage room as fast as possible while you continued walking beside him.

“Can I join you then?” you asked impulsively, even as you wanted to clap a hand over your mouth.

His eyes widened at your question as you started cursing inside your head. Oh God. If he said no, you’d definitely drown yourself in the lake. And if he said yes? You might die from hyperventilating.

He seemed stunned and surprised for a moment, stopping again with wide eyes. But soon he collected himself and looked at you.

“O-of course you can join me,” he answered, and for a moment you thought you sensed a subtle hint of excitement in his tone. But Subaru usually didn’t show much emotion through his words, so you weren’t really sure.

The two of you continued walking as you got closer to the storage room.

“Then if you need someone to drink with, you can text me, Captain,” you said, and he let out a small laugh.

As if he were truly happy. His laughter was so bright you almost felt like covering your eyes and kneeling in front of him. You watched the strands of his hair move softly as his laugh rumbled gently in his chest, and the way the light seemed to kiss the features of his face somehow made you jealous. You wished you were that soft light that got to touch his face too.

Suddenly, a wind picked up, scattering the petals outside as they flew chaotically everywhere. It disheveled the strands of Subaru’s hair as he closed his eyes slightly at the sensation. The wind felt fresh and carried the floral and rainy scent of the garden as those wisteria petals blew into the hallway, lightly covering the floorboards.

You blinked until the wind finally died down, lifting your gaze again. Seeing those soft petals resting so neatly on his silky hair, and the way he looked slightly dazed by the sudden wind, made your hand reach out before your mind could think. You helped him pick the petal off.

Even Subaru was surprised by your action, his eyes widening. Only then did you realize what you had done.

Oh fuck. His hair was so soft, just like you imagined. You cursed desperately in your mind as you felt the heat creep from the back of your neck up to your face. You didn’t know what to say, the words were stuck in your throat.

You saw clearly the pink hue slowly spreading across Subaru’s face. It seeped into the pale skin of his cheeks, making him look like a soft cherry blossom petal. His cheeks turned such a bright pink that you couldn’t help finding him adorable.

But it was so awkward, and you were so embarrassed that you quickly took the boxes from his hands.

“T-that- I-I will take it from here! Thank you for your help, Captain.” You suddenly spoke a bit too loudly. “Have a nice day.”

Then you turned and walked away.

No, you ran away. You didn’t even look back to see how he reacted. He didn’t seem to have recovered or processed anything yet either way, so you took the opportunity to rush off, escaping that embarrassing atmosphere as you cursed yourself for acting so impulsively.

How dare you? How dare you touch him?! How dare you touch Subaru?

And his hair, damn, his hair felt like a soft cloud, but no, no, no, no.

What have you done?!

* ⚘* ⚘* ⚘

Days simply flowed by as usual until one night when you returned to Darkwick a bit late. You had an R&R permit to visit home for a short while and tried to get back as soon as you could, or else Haku would be buried in paperwork along with Subaru.

With a heavy sigh, you stretched after the long day and walked down the hallway toward your room. As you passed by the common room, you noticed soft light spilling outside. Strange, normally no one stayed in the common room this late at night. Out of curiosity, you peeked through the crack of the sliding door and saw Haku inside with that familiar doll.

Although you didn’t want to interrupt the conversation, there were a few things you needed to discuss with him. So you slid the door open wide, startling Haku a bit. His eyebrows lifted, but once he saw you, the tension eased.

“Oh hey, you came back so late,” he said casually as you stepped into the room and sat down opposite him.

“Yeah, I thought it would be quick, but it took longer than I expected,” you answered, tiredness clear in your tone. You nearly melted onto the table in front of you, burying your face against it as you let out an exhausted sigh.

He chuckled at the sight of your fatigue as you rested your head on the table. The only reason you could be so relaxed around Haku was that he carried a laid-back atmosphere, yet he always gave advice whenever you needed help. And yes, of course you admired and respected him in certain ways. You viewed him somewhat like an older brother.

So maybe that was why you could loosen up around him a bit.

“Don’t push yourself too hard,” he said.

“Easier said than done,” you murmured quietly.

“Subaru said you haven’t been sleeping well lately?”

His sudden question made your mind go completely clear.

If you had a tail, Haku would literally see it shoot straight up the moment you heard Subaru’s name. He chuckled slightly, startled by your reaction. Of course, he wouldn’t know the reason. You had been very careful. Even if someone noticed anything, they would probably just assume you admired Subaru’s face and most students on campus did that because he was indeed very beautiful.

As for Haku… tsk. This man always acted so unbothered, but you knew he was sharper than he let on. That was why you had been extremely careful around the two of them, to the point that your relationship with Subaru was strictly professional and work-related.

That was all.

But hearing that Haku mentioned Subaru talking about you somehow made you feel a little happy.

“He told you that?” you asked, lifting your gaze toward the man sitting across from you.

“Yeah. He mentioned a few things, saying he might have pushed too much work onto you.” He leaned back, stretching with his hands behind his neck.

“Didn’t he say the same things about you?” you raised your eyebrows and threw the question back at him. “He always thinks he overwhelms us.”

Haku let out a small smile as he explained, “He’s like that, but he’s the one overwhelming himself.”

Haku’s comment made you fall quiet for a moment. Normally, what would they do to relax or entertain themselves? Especially when Darkwick was so strict about R&R permits. You drifted off into your own thoughts until Haku called your name. It sounded blurry in the background until he flicked your forehead, making you groan as you rubbed the spot.

“Ouch!! That hurts.”

He let out a mischievous laugh as you continued rubbing the sting on your skin.

“Because you were so lost in your own world, princess,” he said between laughs.

You rolled your eyes at his words, but before you could talk back, the door suddenly slid open again, aggressively. It startled you so much that you almost jumped from your seat as both you and Haku turned toward the doorway.

Subaru was standing there with a tray of tea in his hands. His eyes looked unusually cold, his expression unreadable, and somehow a chill ran down your spine. You stiffly sat up straight the moment you noticed him, unable to stop the nervousness rising within you as your palms grew sweaty.

“Captain, why are you here so late?” you asked as Subaru stepped into the room.

“Ah, Subaru and I planned to have some tea. Since you’re here, why don’t you join us?” Haku said casually, as if the decision had already been made. Declining would feel rude, so your gaze shifted to Subaru’s face.

“Well… if you two don’t mind.”

You spoke carefully as Subaru gave a soft smile before settling into his seat and placing the tray onto the table.

“I don’t mind. You asked to join the other day too,” he said quietly and gently. Yet somehow it sounded slightly bitter or sour compared to his usual tone, which scared you a little.

For a moment, you had thought the one who opened the door so aggressively was the other “Subaru,” not your captain.

You sat properly in your place the entire time the three of you shared tea. Subaru had also brought some sweet snacks for you to try. The three of you talked late into the night, with Saburo sitting beside you.

And that night, you were able to sleep very well too.

Was Subaru some kind of sedative for you?

You didn’t know. But his kindness somehow lulled you into a peaceful sleep, and you stopped thinking about it any further.

* ⚘* ⚘* ⚘

Though the very next night, when you were in your room, the wind suddenly picked up and blew the papers on your table everywhere. You rushed to close the window, but a loud thunderclap struck as lightning spread across the sky. The sudden flash made you close your eyes, if only for a brief second.

When you opened them again, right outside your window, a porcelain-pale familiar face was there.

You almost screamed out loud as he appeared out of nowhere.

It was Subaru. Once again, he was standing in the rain without any umbrella. The rain drenched his silky hair. You couldn’t make out his expression clearly as half of his face was buried in the dark.

You called out, “Subaru?” so quietly and uncertainly as the man stood there.

As if he wasn’t real. As if he were just a doll, a puppet that could only move when someone controlled him.

Slowly, you saw him step closer to your side. The light pouring from your window cast over his delicate face as raindrops fell from the tips of his hair onto his smooth skin, traveling and kissing each feature they passed.

You wondered how you could tell it was him just by the silhouette. But then again, who else would suddenly appear in the middle of the night, standing in the rain like that? It would scare you even more if it were someone, or something else.

You panicked when you saw his damp hair and the water streaming down his face. Rushing to grab a towel, you covered his head.

“W-why are you in the rain again?!” You almost wanted to lecture him, but then again, what right did you have? And you wouldn’t dare to anyway.

Subaru gazed up at you as if he were enjoying your caring hands helping him dry the cold dampness from his hair, his face, his skin. His eyes never left yours, making you slightly nervous. Your hands tried to be as gentle as possible as you ruffled through his soft hair with the fabric.

“Did you enjoy the tea I brewed?”

His question came so suddenly that you were caught off guard.

“Yes…” Though it wasn’t exactly him, was it? Or was it your captain? Was it Subaru?

Which was which?

You could tell they were the same person, but at the same time they felt like different people. Did your captain never remember what Subaru did? Because he always seemed so normal and casual around you when morning came.

Which made you wonder… who exactly was he?

The cautious, kind-hearted, soft-spoken captain.

Or the eerily cold and somehow hard-to-read Subaru standing in front of you now.

Which one was the real him?

“Who… are you, exactly?” you asked hesitantly, almost murmuring as the sound of rain blurred your voice.

But Subaru caught it.

His lips curved into a smile. A soft one at first, but it slowly grew deeper, making you wonder what he held beneath that mask.

“I am whoever you want me to be,” he said quietly, his voice like a soft melody reaching your ears.

But somehow it made your shoulders shiver.

Your hands stopped as you pulled away slightly from his hair to look at his face more clearly. The light flickered, yet somehow his eyes reflected none of it, not even the faintest glow.

You placed your hands on the edge of the window, hesitating for a moment, unsure who exactly stood in front of you.

But his hand reached out, resting on the window frame as well. His fingertips hovered softly against your skin. They were so cold and smooth that you almost wanted to tell him to come inside.

But you weren’t sure whether you should or whether he would listen.

“Do you want me to be that goody-two-shoes captain you so adore?” His question made your pupils dilate as your heart nearly jumped out of your chest.

As if it weren’t some secret you had buried deep in your heart, but an open page in a book he had read countless times.

“Or do you want me to be that Kabuki star you admire so much?” he continued, his low voice prickling your skin.

“Or… are you afraid of me?” he added.

The question carried a trace of sadness, but also a subtle warning beneath it.

You thought carefully about what he asked.

Yes, you liked Subaru. At least, that was what you thought. But in reality, what did you even know about him? He never shared much with anyone. You certainly didn’t seem important or special in his life either.

But this Subaru… the one standing in front of you now…

He made you feel seen. Exposed. Known.

As if he knew exactly what was inside your mind.

But maybe he was just having a fleeting moment of boredom, and you happened to pass by. Just another insignificant, meaningless detail in his life.

Was Subaru that kind of person?

And were you afraid of him?

At first, maybe his strange behavior startled you a bit. But he had never hurt you, and he didn’t seem to have any intention of doing so.

So why should you be afraid?

You stayed quiet for a moment before answering.

“No. I’m not.”

Your eyes flickered across his face, trying to read any expression, but you found nothing. You wondered if he was skeptical of your answer.

“I just want… to know you better.”

Not as a mask. Not as a student. Not as a captain.

You just wanted to know Subaru. What was on his mind. What his smile would look like when he was truly happy.

“He could be a nasty person you don’t know…” his voice drifted through the cold air again, and you let the words sink in.

Subaru, a nasty person?

You had never really imagined that. And you wondered why he viewed himself that way.

Feeling his fingertip against yours, you hesitantly tugged your finger slightly against his.

He didn’t pull away. He only let out a soft smile.

“What do you consider nasty, then?” you asked the man in front of you as his fingers lifted slightly, teasing your fingertips. The sensation somehow tickled, tickling its way straight into your heart.

“This man…” he answered slowly. “He’s extremely jealous.”

“And jealousy,” he continued, “is such an ugly feeling, isn’t it?”

His question wasn’t really asking for an answer. He didn’t give you time to process it.

“You don’t know what he has in mind every time he sees you laughing with other people,” his voice sounded distant and dazed.

“Or how he feels about you.”

He slid his hand to hold yours.

So lightly, almost hovering, as if you were something delicate he was afraid of breaking. His thumb brushed featherlight across the back of your hand.

“You’d be disgusted… hoping he would stay away from you.”

It sounded like a warning. His voice was firm now, and his eyes narrowed sharply as if they could pierce your soul.

“…I will decide that myself.”

You didn’t take long to answer.

But Subaru only let out a small, eerie laugh. His shoulders shook slightly as he laughed, uncanny and almost manic, as it blended with the sound of the night rain.

He lifted his gaze back to you.

“I was created because that guy couldn’t accept or face who he truly is.” His voice was now filled with disdain and hatred as he pulled your hand into his.

“He is a coward. A pathetic loser who can’t even understand himself.”

Each word came out harshly, and you were surprised by how aggressive he sounded.

How could his voice carry such hatred and disgust when he spoke about your captain? As if he weren’t part of the same person, but some tumor he wanted to cut out.

Your eyebrows furrowed at the way he spoke.

“So, what do you feel now?” he asked. “Do you still think he’s such an angelic prince who will help you write your fairytale?”

His grip on your hand tightened until it hurt.

You tried to pull away slightly, but Subaru didn’t let you.

Your gaze flickered toward his face as he looked almost mad.

“Those rumors aren’t completely fabricated,” he reminded you, forcing your mind to stay on his words. “There’s a reason people say those things about me.”

You trembled slightly when he suddenly loosened his grip.

Before you could even process anything, he slowly let go and stepped away from you.

The light pouring from the window could no longer reach him as his figure was swallowed once more by the dark, silver veil of rain.

“I hope you sleep well tonight… again.”

And before you could call out to him, he had already turned and walked away.

His silhouette blended into the night as he moved through the rain, as if wandering without knowing where to go.

Like a lost soul drifting through the world.

* ⚘* ⚘* ⚘

The next morning, when you arrived at the meeting, Subaru was nowhere to be seen. Apparently, other students said they had been calling him all morning, but he didn’t answer his phone or his door.

It seemed he hadn’t left his room the entire morning.

You wondered what had happened to him as you noticed Saburo in the corner. It was the doll that your captain and vice-captain had brought back from a mission. Ever since then, it had been wandering around campus as if it had a mind of its own.

You didn’t think much of it at first, but the doll kept floating around you in circles while you were working, as if it had something to say or show you. So you decided you should check it out a bit. As soon as you stood up, the doll dashed outside the room, and you followed it immediately.

Haku was occupied with some missions, so most of the work here was on your shoulders. Normally, he would be the one to call Subaru, but since he wasn’t available, no one really dared to barge into Subaru’s room to check on him.

You saw Saburo lead you down the hall, turning at corridors until you realized where it was trying to guide you. When you finally stopped in front of Subaru’s door, you looked at the doll as it continued to float around you.

“Do you want me to check on him?” you asked.

Saburo floated up and down as if approving what you said.

You were unsure what to do or what you should or shouldn’t do. You sat in a straight seiza position in front of his door, as if preparing for some kind of ceremony. Your heart beat loudly. You had never come this close to his room, let alone thought about stepping inside it.

“Captain,” you called quietly, but there was no answer after a moment.

The door remained closed as you called again. “You haven’t left your room since morning. Everybody is worried.”

The silence continued, and you began to feel uneasy as well.

“Subaru…” you called softly after a moment of hesitation. “Are you okay?”

Through the layers of the door, you heard a very small sound. If you hadn’t listened closely, you wouldn’t have caught it at all. But it was definitely Subaru. Maybe he was trying to answer you but couldn’t.

“Are you feeling unwell, Subaru?” you asked again, feeling even more uneasy.

Of course he would be. He had been standing in the heavy rain last night. You weren’t even sure if he had returned to his dorm immediately or continued soaking himself in the cold rain all night. You felt a bit guilty, maybe if you had insisted he go back to his room, he would have.

No. Who did you think you were?

Still, you couldn’t just leave him like this as you placed your hands on the sliding door.

“Excuse me for my rudeness,” you said before sliding the door open slightly. It creaked softly as light poured inside.

But you still couldn’t see anything clearly. It was so dark that you could only make out vague silhouettes in the shadows.

So you stepped inside and slid the door partly closed behind you.

His room was dark because no lights were on. Even with a little light slipping through the edges of the curtains, it still wasn’t enough to see properly.

You tried to make sense of the room as you carefully approached step by step. When you got closer to where he lay, you could hear his heavy, uneven breathing and the small uncomfortable whines slipping from him.

Reaching your hand toward the nearby table, you found a small lamp and turned it on. Soft, dim light spread through the space, allowing you to see him clearly.

His cheeks were flushed. Sweat had formed on his forehead, his hair slightly damp and sticking to the side of his face. His pale skin was now tinted with a deep pink hue. The collar of his yukata had slipped open too far as he struggled to breathe.

You removed the gloves from your hands, feeling slightly ashamed to touch him without his permission. But you didn’t know what else to do.

The back of your hand pressed gently against his forehead.

It was burning hot.

He had a very high fever.

It wasn’t unusual for someone to catch a cold after standing in the rain, but maybe because ghouls were stronger than normal humans, they tended to neglect their health a little, didn’t they?

You panicked at his condition and immediately rushed out to grab some essentials, medicine, a basin, a few small towels, water, and even some porridge for him to eat.

You instructed the other students to continue their tasks and informed Haku about Subaru’s condition, saying you would take care of the captain until Haku returned.

When you came back to the room, you noticed Saburo floating inside as well.

Subaru didn’t seem conscious enough to speak. You knelt beside his futon, dipping a towel into the basin and soaking it with fresh water. Wringing it out, you carefully pushed his hair aside and wiped away the sweat on his skin, from his forehead, to his face, and even his neck.

He let out a small whine, seeming to feel slightly more comfortable as the coolness eased the burning heat of his skin.

You gently turned his head to wipe the sweat from the back of his neck. Once you finished, you pulled the blanket neatly over him again.

“Subaru,” you called softly, unsure if he was conscious enough to eat anything or take medicine.

You had already texted the ghouls from Mortkranken, but none of them were available at the moment. And you weren’t even sure if Subaru would feel comfortable with just anyone touching him. What you had already done felt like a huge invasion of his space.

You would apologize later once his fever went down.

Luckily, Subaru slowly opened his heavy eyelids. They were still clouded and hazy from the fever, but he could see you sitting in front of him.

He quietly called your name.

You instinctively pulled your hands away a little.

“Do you think you can sit up to eat something?” you asked.

He seemed unable to fully comprehend the question, but he tried. His lips parted slowly.

“Yes…”

His answer was so weak you had to lean closer to hear it.

You carefully helped him sit up and adjusted the pillow behind him so he could lean more comfortably against the wall. He looked dazed, still unable to process things properly.

You doubted he could even hold a spoon right now.

You helped him drink some water, though even that dripped down the corner of his lips. You wiped the excess away with a tissue.

He coughed softly before trying to speak.

“Sorry…” The words came out with difficulty between heavy breaths. “For bothering you…”

You didn’t give him the chance to say more as you picked up the bowl of porridge from the tray.

“You should talk less and rest more.”

It came out a bit harsher than you intended but how could it not?

How could he neglect himself like this? How could that other Subaru let him become this sick? It was his body too, wasn’t it? As if he didn’t care about himself at all.

And it made you angry.

Subaru seemed surprised by your sudden firmness. He stayed quiet for a moment, perhaps ashamed, exposed and vulnerable under your gaze. Maybe he didn’t like being pitied.

But you weren’t pitying him.

You were honestly just angry.

And he could probably feel that if he reached out and touched you. But he didn’t.

He simply sat there quietly, watching you as you prepared to feed him with the spoon. His already flushed face deepened in color under the dim light as he spoke again.

“I- I can do that myself.”

But the trembling of his hands betrayed him.

“I’m here to help you,” you said quietly but firmly, meeting his gaze. “Let me help you.”

His petal-like eyes shimmered slightly through the cloudy haze of fever before he finally nodded.

You fed him slowly and carefully.

He couldn’t eat much because of his sore throat, but he still tried because you said he needed to take medicine afterward. So he obediently opened his mouth for each spoonful.

You wiped his mouth gently with tissue, and he didn’t stop you from doing anything.

But you could feel the faint tremble running through him.

Every small touch seemed to make his heart race even more.

You wondered if this was what that other “Subaru” meant, how Subaru truly thought about you and felt about you.

But you had no interest in taking advantage of someone who was sick. So you ignored the thought and focused on taking care of him.

Once he finished half the bowl of porridge, you placed it back on the tray and set the medicine in his palm along with a glass of water.

“Take your medicine. I’ll be right back.”

You spoke softly, almost as if speaking to a child. His dazed eyes stayed on you until you left the room with the tray.

When you returned, he had already settled back into his futon and taken his medicine. His breathing seemed more even now.

You knelt beside him again, soaking the towel in the basin before wringing it out. Your hand reached out to brush away the stray strands of hair from his forehead so it was more exposed.

Subaru’s eyes never left you.

And somehow it felt like an eternity had passed since you last saw the light in them.

You draped the damp towel across his forehead, the coolness easing his mind. Your fingertips brushed his skin lightly as you pulled your hand away.

Suddenly, his hand caught your wrist softly.

Your gaze shifted toward him.

“Do you need anything?” you asked.

He tried to shake his head but couldn’t.

“Stay with me… for a bit longer.”

His voice was so low, soft, and weak that your heart melted instantly. You couldn’t refuse.

You placed your hand gently on the blanket over his chest, patting it softly.

“I won’t go anywhere. I’ll stay here until you feel better.”

You tried to reassure him.

His words had caught you off guard because for a moment you weren’t sure which Subaru had said them or whether he had finally decided to be honest with himself.

But it didn’t matter.

Whichever Subaru he was, you would still take care of him.

And he seemed relieved when he heard your answer.

His eyelids slowly closed again. His breathing became softer and steadier as the dim light brushed along the side of his face. His hair shimmered faintly under the warm glow as you gently patted him.

Until he finally fell asleep.

He slept for the rest of the day.

Haku returned later that evening and told you to get some rest while he took over. You wanted to stay longer, but you could feel the exhaustion settling deep into your bones.

You had hardly left Subaru’s room at all, worried he might wake up and not see you there.

So you felt relieved when Haku returned. He seemed to know what to do far better than you.

Still, he praised you and rubbed your head for taking care of everything while he was away.

Yet somehow, you still felt like you had done nothing at all.

* ⚘* ⚘* ⚘

The very next day, Subaru had already recovered from his cold, his fever had cooled down. He felt better. So ghoul abilities are really different from humans. Most people with such a bad fever would take two or three days to completely recover. But he seemed as if he had never been sick. Once again, he returned to his routine and daily tasks. His face even grew more lively after that.

Though he personally came to say thank you, now so deeply while he knelt on the floor, he even gifted you some expensive tea and snacks to show his appreciation. You still felt like he was trying to ignore and avoid your gaze, and even more so, keeping his distance from you.

You didn’t press the matter either way, as you felt like you were in no right place to do so. So the two of you kept that awkward, professional relationship for a while, to the point that even the students around you could feel the tension and discomfort. They did not want to exchange too many words or tasks with the two of you, as they just seemed to want to run away, avoiding the heavy atmosphere.

As you thought your stiff relationship would continue like that forever, on one night when you were asleep in your room, comfortable under your blanket on your futon, you heard the soft creak of a floorboard, and it woke you up.

Someone must be walking down the hall, but it was so late now. You sat up from your futon as you looked at your door, only for lightning to strike at that moment and startle you a bit. It had been raining heavily lately in Hotarubi, which made the usual rain even worse.

But what startled you the most was that you could clearly see the silhouette, the shadow reflected outside your door, when the lightning struck. Like a ghost haunting your dream. If it were anyone else, they would be screaming, terrified, and wake up the whole building.

But because this was Darkwick, and you might have had a hint of who that was, you didn’t get scared at all. Lifting your blanket, you stood up, unlocked your door, and slid it open immediately, only to face Subaru right there. The familiar pale skin. His expression was still unreadable, with those hollow eyes. Fortunately, today he wasn’t soaked in the rain. He was very dry and seemed neat and clean. The only thing was that you somehow could smell the alcohol on him.

“Did you drink?” you asked, but the man didn’t answer you for a long time.

“Only a bit with Haku,” he answered quietly, his gaze flickering toward you.

You didn’t know what else to say as your gaze flickered back to him. He was dressed thinly again, and you wondered if he had learned anything from the last time he got sick.

“You shouldn’t stay out so late…” Unsure of what to say, you just spoke whatever came first to your mind.

“I shouldn’t.” He repeated your words as if he were reminding himself before suddenly stepping forward.

You were caught off guard and stepped back a little, keeping your distance from him.

“Subaru-”

You called him, but he suddenly reached for your hand. Catching your wrist in his grip, it grew so tight that you almost freaked out.

“I’m cold… very cold…” he spoke so quietly, laced with sadness and loneliness.

And you couldn’t help but feel a bit bad at that. You didn’t pull your hand from his grip, but you didn’t let him step any closer either.

“I wonder, are you afraid of me now?” His sudden question made you confused.

Why was he so persistent about whether you were scared of him or not?

“Do you want me to?” you asked him, but he didn’t answer.

You couldn’t see his expression as his face blended with the shadows. Suddenly, he pushed you down to the ground before you could even process it. Your eyes widened as your other hand pressed against his chest, pushing him away but even then, his other hand caught yours as he pinned your arms to either side of your head.

You never thought he would do that. No matter how strange this Subaru was, you had never considered him someone who would behave so rudely and improperly. Still shocked by his actions, you saw Subaru lean down, his face so close to yours that his breath grazed your skin. Even those silky-soft strands of his hair fell down slightly.

His delicate face was so close to you, yet you still couldn’t see him clearly. It was like an illusion, like he wasn’t real, as always. And maybe he indeed wasn’t real. Because Subaru would definitely never do this to anyone.

“You should be.” He tilted his head slightly until his voice was right next to your ear.

Warm breath brushed the tip of your ear as his quiet, eerily soft voice traveled through you. Your spine chilled as you tilted your face away from the sensation. But he seemed to chase after you, like a beast that wrapped its prey inside its claws and teeth.

His breath was laced with a hint of alcohol, and you thought he must have been drunk, that’s why he did this. Impulsiveness, completely out of his character. You tried not to panic as you looked at him.

“Did you have that much faith in this coward?” he asked as he referred to “Subaru.”

A mocking, disdainful tone followed as he let out a small laugh, echoing in the air, as if he were laughing at himself, because it was indeed himself.

“He’s not a coward,” you corrected his words a bit, and the man lifted his head to meet your gaze once again. “And you’re not one either.”

“Is that so?” he asked, maybe even unsure of what you were saying.

“Yes. Do you think a coward would be able to handle those tasks he disdains so much?” you asked him, and his grip grew tighter as your words slipped out.

You ignored the pain as you continued.

“Wouldn’t you understand yourself the most?”

His eyebrows twisted, and his flickering gaze fell onto your face as if you had stirred something inside him. And he didn’t like that feeling, because that seemed to give the “other” him more consciousness back, which meant his control over himself was weakening.

“Subaru.” You called to pull him away from his thoughts. “I like you.”

You had never really wanted to confess to him in this kind of moment, nor had you ever planned to tell him about your feelings. Because you didn’t want to risk breaking whatever fragile line existed between the two of you. The only connection you had with him was as an assistant. Without it, there would be nothing between you. No different from strangers.

And you didn’t want to imagine how he would politely, awkwardly, and guiltily decline you. He would definitely feel bad even though it wasn’t his fault. It was just who Subaru was, he always thought that everything wrong in this world was his fault and that he must take responsibility for everything. And you didn’t want any of that. You didn’t want him to blame himself for being unable to return your feelings.

“You don’t know anything about me,” he said, crashing whatever delusional imagination you had about his perfect mask.

But you didn’t feel bad or ashamed when he said that, because it was true. You didn’t know Subaru, at least not in a way where you could understand him.

“I know that,” you spoke up, almost arguing back to him. “And I also know…” you continued, “that you will never hurt me.”

His grip loosened, and you took that opportunity to slip your hands away from his. You sat up a bit and pushed him down to the ground this time. He was stunned by your actions, just as shocked as you had been when he pushed you down. But he didn’t push you away at all. If anything, he seemed unusually calm about it, as if what you did didn’t bother him at all.

“I don’t care what the rumors say.” You leaned down a bit to whisper to him. “I will believe what you have to tell me yourself.” It sounded more like a challenge than you had expected as his gaze stayed on you.

And you had nothing else to tell him. Seeing how inappropriate your position was, you got off him. But Subaru reached out for you once again as his arms wrapped around you, keeping you still on his body. Your shoulders stiffened at his touch. His hand slid up to your head so gently as his fingers threaded through your hair, softly smoothing it. You felt his warm breath against your ear as he inhaled, as if trying to bury your scent deep in his lungs.

You felt your face burning hot as you tried to move away. But then his voice softly and weakly slipped out beside your ear.

“Please, let me stay like this for a bit.”

It reminded you of that day when you took care of him. He had also used that weak tone to ask you to stay, like a child who needed someone by his side. It made you unable to say no to him.

So you let him be. Let his hand softly press against your hair, and how he wrapped his arm around you so tightly.

After a while, you felt his breath slowly even out, and his hand also stopped, dropping slightly to your side. You lifted your head up from his chest and could see his face a bit clearer now.

He had fallen asleep.

He disrupted your sleep, and now he had fallen asleep so peacefully, so soundly, as if he hadn’t just created a mess in your head and your heart.

But because your mother raised you so well, you couldn’t find the heart to let him sleep on the floor like this. Trying to get him onto your futon, you finally draped a blanket over his sleeping body. He didn’t move an inch when you dragged him across the floor. He just passed out like that, probably because of the alcohol, you weren’t sure.

But you were glad that you had an extra futon so you could sleep on it. Still, opening your eyes and being able to see the side of his face, how his chest rose and fell so peacefully, and his breath softly near your ear, made you fall asleep a bit easier.

The very next morning, when sunlight poured through the window, you turned slightly under the covers before you suddenly panicked and sat up straight, looking around your room.

He was no longer there.

It was just you in the empty room. Even the blanket and futon were folded so neatly in the corner. And on your desk, you saw a small note written in such delicate handwriting.

“I’m sorry.”

* ⚘* ⚘* ⚘

And ever since that night, you have been unable to meet Subaru. You still work as his assistant, but most of your tasks were handed out by Haku. Suddenly he had more work, it was to deliver whatever Subaru had for you. And the poor vice-captain just seemed to become busier.

But he didn’t say anything, as he noticed some awkward friction between you and Subaru. He believed it was something the two of you should handle between yourselves.

So he just acted like everything was normal, and so did you, and maybe so did Subaru. You weren’t even able to talk to or meet him again until the Star Festival.

It was the only day that it would not be raining in Hotarubi, and you could finally see the sunshine through the air properly. But you couldn’t enjoy it much because you were one of the many staff members helping with the event. Assisting Haku around the stalls was one of your many tasks.

And since your House captain had the honor of being chosen as one of the Cowherds along with other ghouls, more work fell on Haku and you, as both of you seemed tangled in turmoil, trying to make sense and rhythm out of your tasks.

It was early that morning as you rushed through the hall, making your way to the common room because you had some papers you needed to check one last time with Haku. But you were unable to find him anywhere. Since he was so busy, he was practically running everywhere around Hotarubi, and you almost breathed fire out of frustration.

The last group of students who saw him said he had headed to the common room, so he had better be here, or you would definitely go insane. You already had your hakama on but didn’t even have time to do your hair properly because you were so busy trying to find your vice-captain.

But when you slid the common room door open so aggressively, ready to shout out, the words fell back into your throat as your eyes met Subaru.

Two pairs of widened eyes met each other in awkwardness as you cleared your throat.

You acted casual as you explained, “I’m here to find Haku.”

Subaru only gave you a small nod as he seemed to be in the middle of getting ready. You looked at his dazzling Cowherd outfit, and he looked like a little angelic prince right now. This felt a bit unfair, didn’t it? Why was he so pretty? And why were his eyelashes so long?

He was sitting in front of a mirror as you planned to leave, but Subaru spoke up first.

“He said he would be here to hand me some papers. I’m… waiting for him too,” he explained softly.

You sighed heavily in your mind. You really couldn’t run away, could you? So you stepped inside and stiffly sat down opposite him, sneaking a glance at him as you tried not to stare too much. He looked so handsome today that you couldn’t help but steal another glance.

Fuck, stop it, will you.

And his gaze seemed to flicker toward you too. He looked at you so openly while you tried to ignore his stare. Why was he suddenly so obvious about looking at you? It stressed you out a bit as your palms grew sweaty.

He seemed to take in your appearance for a moment before quietly speaking up.

“You haven’t done your hair?”

It felt like a casual question as your gaze returned to him for a brief moment before you answered awkwardly.

“Ah, yeah… I didn’t really have time to do it…” You subconsciously reached your hand up to smooth your hair as you wondered whether it was messy and whether you looked like an idiot in his eyes.

Silence fell once again before Subaru suddenly spoke again.

“Do you… want me to help with that?”

Your eyes flickered up to his face as you asked in surprise.

“You know how to?”

He nodded quietly as he spoke, a bit awkward while explaining.

“I used to… do the wigs for my roles on stage…” His voice was laced with nostalgia, and his eyes looked somewhat sad, as if he had recalled memories from when he performed on stage.

You knew it was a sensitive topic for him, as most of the time no one ever mentioned it. So instead of answering him directly, you simply stood up and moved to his side, sitting down beside him.

You could feel his shoulders stiffen slightly when you suddenly moved closer. But still, he looked at you with anticipation in his eyes.

“Then… I will be in your care,” you spoke quietly.

The corner of his lips curved softly into a smile as he set the mirror on the table, angling it slightly toward you while he moved behind you.

His slender, delicate fingers carefully threaded through your hair, gathering and wrapping it softly and neatly behind you. His fingertips gently tucked the extra strands behind your ears. When you lifted your gaze to the mirror, your eyes met his through the reflection. Out of embarrassment, you quickly averted your gaze.

He picked up the comb and began to brush your hair carefully and gently.

You felt his hands moving through your hair, as if he were touching something fragile and delicate. His hands moved quickly but with great care. You couldn’t see exactly what he was doing behind you, but you trusted him.

When he finally finished, he tilted the mirror slightly so you could see yourself better.

“Thank you…” You were too stunned to say anything else.

He must have been a magician, no, more like a fairy. His hands worked like magic. As you looked at yourself in the mirror, you doubted you would be able to do your hair this well even if you had the time.

A soft smile appeared on his lips as he answered you.

“You’re welcome.”

But before you could say anything else, you saw him take out a small accessory from the long sleeve of his costume.

It was a hair clip, a tsumami kanzashi, with white and pink flowers made from delicate fabric. You could even see a small bunny charm attached to it.

He carefully clipped it to the side of your hair, as if he had specifically brought it for you, as if it belonged there.

“It’s very beautiful…” you murmured, which made you wonder whether you deserved it and why he had placed it on you.

As if he could sense your doubt, he explained quietly, “It was an old piece I used to use with my stage outfit.”

His fingers gently tugged a stray strand of hair away from your face.

“It suits you.”

His words were laced with such affection and care that your face burned. You didn’t dare to look at him or even at the mirror, afraid you might look foolish.

And his eyes were looking at you as if you were the most precious and beautiful person in his life, as if his whole world orbited around you.

Subaru would never look at you like that. You knew that.

So… what made him different today?

But the sliding sound of the door pulled both of your attention toward the entrance as Haku stepped into the room awkwardly.

“Sorry, did I interrupt you two?”

You immediately answered.

“No, we were waiting for you.”

* ⚘* ⚘* ⚘

So you all departed after that to move on with your work. It was a tough day, packed with people and stalls left and right. You had to run back and forth between each stall to check on them, see if the students needed anything, and control the crowd when it became a bit overloaded around certain booths.

Both you and Haku couldn’t even have lunch, as you were running around all day. Occasionally, Haku would update you about his side of the work, and you would do the same. Being too busy gave you no space to even think about anything else.

When night finally fell, you still couldn’t breathe easily, as it seemed like even more people had arrived. Some students commented that it was because of the lantern ceremony. Everybody was shifting toward the lake, which left the stalls a bit less crowded.

But when Haku texted you saying he needed some more support by the lake, you sighed heavily and rushed there, only to find Haku standing with some other students around him.

“Hey, what do you need me for?” you asked, but the man had already handed you a mask.

It mimicked the shape of a fox’s face. You took it from his hand, raising your eyebrows skeptically.

“We need one more person to ring the bell by the lake,” he explained, and you noticed he also had a mask resting on the side of his face.

“Put this on when you head to the east and ring the bell there,” he continued, and you only gave him a nod.

He seemed in a hurry as he left again with some other staff members. You then headed to the east side of the lake, where you indeed saw a pole with a bell attached to it. People were packed everywhere as you carefully moved through them to reach the pole.

As you managed to get there, someone moved around and bumped into you, making you stumble and almost fall forward. But a pair of hands caught you immediately as you lifted your head.

“S-sorry.”

Only to see Subaru and the other Cowherds. That vice-captain from Jabberwock who stood so tall behind him, and that wolf boy from Obscuary. They must have finished their mission if they were here now.

“Are you okay?”

Subaru’s voice pulled you back to reality as you nodded your head.

“I’m fine…” You looked around a bit, still awkward, before asking them, “Are you here to see the ceremony?”

“Yes, it’s the first time they’re able to see one,” he answered, and you noticed the curious eyes of the others.

“Oh, then I hope you guys enjoy it,” you said casually. You thought Subaru would leave with them.

He said something to them as they all moved toward the lake, while Subaru remained where he was.

“You’re not coming with them?” you asked as he shook his head slightly.

“You’re about to ring the bell, right?”

He asked you back as you nodded.

“I’d like to view it from here,” he said quietly, and you had nothing against it.

Stepping closer to the pole, you looked at the watch on your wrist, waiting patiently with him by your side until it was time.

You saw some students place lanterns onto the cold, still surface of the lake. One, then two, and slowly it became tons and thousands of lanterns. Before the ceremony, there was a short moment for prayer. Subaru stood by your side as he clasped his hands together, closing his eyes and lowering his head, as the rest of the students did the same.

You also clasped your hands together and lowered your head, wishing blessings upon the path for both the unfortunate and fortunate spirits.

Slowly, the wind picked up as your hand gripped the rope beneath the old bell. You pulled it softly, and as soon as the ringing sound echoed through the air from every side of the lake.

Fireworks burst into the sky, blooming in bright colors against the velvet darkness. They shimmered and glistened everywhere their light touched. Slowly, the warm glow from the lanterns floating on the lake began to rise into the air.

Gradually, they all drifted upward toward the endless horizon, creating a bright halo across the night sky.

This wasn’t the first time you had seen a lantern ceremony. But it was the first time you had seen it this clearly. Last year, you hadn’t found the right spot to watch it properly.

Your eyes sneaked a glance to your side to look at Subaru’s face. The bright light cast over his delicate features, making him shine like an angelic prince. His beautiful costume shimmered under the glow, and you found yourself unable to look away.

In that moment, you felt like he looked far more beautiful than the ceremony itself.

And as if he could sense your gaze, his head turned toward you, meeting your eyes. You were glad you had the mask on, or you didn’t know what kind of expression you would have shown with your cheeks burning so violently.

A gust of wind suddenly picked up, carrying familiar, soft wisteria petals everywhere. You heard some students cheer at the gentle breeze as you closed your eyes slightly against the wind.

And suddenly, Subaru, who had still been looking at you, broke into a small laugh.

It was laced with happiness and affection, and you wondered what had made him so happy. But he looked even more beautiful with laughter on his lips.

He suddenly spoke under the colorful lights.

“Hakama really suits you,” he said, and then continued, “You look very beautiful.”

And that twisted something inside your chest, making your heart race and pound loudly in your ears. Every other sound seemed to fade away. All you could hear was his voice echoing and the beating of your heart.

He called you beautiful. But did he know he looked so heavenly right now?

It felt like receiving a blessing from an angel.

You couldn’t help it.

The impulse took over. The atmosphere pushed you forward.

You stood on your tiptoes and pressed your mask against his lips.

As if you were kissing him, stealing a soft peck. The only difference was that you didn’t dare to do it for real. You only dared when there was a layer between you two, something that blocked and divided it, reminding you of the invisible line between you and him.

Your face burned brightly, your brain malfunctioning because of what you had just done. Out of embarrassment and seeing Subaru’s eyes widen in surprise, you planned to turn and run away immediately so you wouldn’t have to face him or see his reaction.

But before you could move, Subaru’s hand reached out to catch yours as he stepped closer.

You froze, not knowing what to do, where to put your hands, or what to say.

You watched as Subaru’s delicate fingers touched your mask and slowly moved it aside, exposing your embarrassed face under the bright lights.

You couldn’t hide or run anymore. His eyes flickered with your reflection.

Your heart beat even louder than the fireworks in the sky.

His gaze lingered on your face for a moment, as if he were drinking in every detail of your expression. You saw his eyelashes flutter softly.

Even his cheeks were flushed now as his other hand reached up to tug a stray strand of hair away from your face.

Then he leaned closer.

You closed your eyes instinctively as you felt his soft lips press against yours.

It was like a dream.

No, even in your dreams, it had never felt like this.

You had never imagined your first kiss with him would be this romantic. Under the colorful fireworks, with the wind carrying soft wisteria petals around you both and with him looking so breathtaking.

But it was real.

You were sharing this moment with him.

You were so nervous you couldn’t think straight. His scent filled your lungs, and his soft lips pressed against yours so sweetly and tenderly.

When his eyes slowly opened and he pulled away just an inch, you opened yours as well, meeting his dreamy gaze.

You knew that you liked Subaru. No matter which version of him.

And Subaru?

He felt the same.

No matter which version of himself, he loved you in all of them.

* ⚘* ⚘* ⚘

Let’s say your relationship changed a lot after that day.

He no longer avoided you, and the two of you no longer kept your distance. You would spend time having tea together. And when night fell, you would sit by his side, gazing at the silver veil of rain with the moonlight blurred behind it.

He also honestly told you that the “other Subaru” was a persona formed after long years of suppressing his emotions and overworking himself until the stress overwhelmed him. It was also a side effect of his stigma, something he tried to hide most of the time.

The rumors had started because of that persona.

Even though most of the time he didn’t cause any trouble, Subaru still felt uneasy. The two sides of him didn’t seem to be on good terms, even though they tried to coexist. He kept to himself because he believed no one could accept that other part of him.

Because that Subaru was nothing like the proper, polite image he had crafted for himself.

But you found it endearing.

Because whoever he was, you knew he wasn’t someone who would harm you.

And you knew both versions of Subaru shared the same feelings for you.

So none of his hidden sides scared you. If anything, it only made you want to know him even more.

You were still his assistant, only now he had become more proactive in giving you tasks, as if he had been preparing you for something.

You didn’t think much of it. You assumed it was because he had grown more comfortable with you, and since he was responsible in his work, he expected you to be the same.

At least, that was what you thought.

Until the day one of Darkwick’s staff cats arrived with an envelope for you.

It was very unusual because you had never received this kind of letter from Darkwick before. Normally, invitations or urgent matters would be sent to your captain and vice-captain.

But the cat sat neatly in front of you, its tail wagging impatiently at your hesitation to take it.

Knowing it was for you, you finally took the envelope and opened it.

Reading through the letter, you realized it wasn’t an invitation or an urgent matter, but an announcement for you.

At least, it had your name on it.

The new captain of Hotarubi for next year would be entrusted to you.

This decision had already been discussed with your captain and vice-captain, and it had been approved by Darkwick itself.

Why didn’t you know anything about this?

Both Haku and Subaru hadn’t told you anything. You wondered when they had even discussed this matter.

You knew they would be fourth-years next year and wouldn’t be available on campus anymore.

But you had never imagined that you would be the next captain.

Holding the letter tightly in your hand, it wrinkled slightly. You couldn’t stop your heart from racing as it beat loudly in your ears.

You just wanted to rush and show Subaru this.

But what were you going to say?

Tell him something he already knew?

Still, you were so thrilled right now. You didn’t know what else to do or think besides sharing the news with him.

Your pace quickened as your shoes tapped against the ground with each step. Rushing through the halls, you didn’t even reply to the students who greeted you. They looked dumbfounded as you passed them in a hurry, as if you were being chased by a ghost.

You didn’t care.

The sound of rain continued falling from the rooftops. Wind and cold air brushed through your hair, softly caressing the side of your face as you bumped into someone when you turned a corner.

You looked up immediately.

“Sorry! I was in a hurry.”

To your surprise, it was Haku.

He let out a small chuckle once his gaze fell on the wrinkled paper in your hand.

“If you’re looking for Subaru, he’s at the garden near the common room.”

He didn’t even need to ask to know who you were searching for.

You gave him a firm nod.

“Thank you!”

Your feet picked up again as you rushed toward the common room. But when you slid the door open, the room was empty.

Only a small tea set rested on the table, as if someone had been in the middle of enjoying it before suddenly leaving.

You saw steam still drifting softly from the teapot, creating a thin ribbon in the air. Subaru must not have left long ago or he couldn’t be that far.

Your gaze shifted to the tall window overlooking the garden. Through the veil of rain, you could barely see anything.

You placed the letter on the table.

Right now, you only wanted to see him.

Nothing else really mattered.

You stepped outside into the heavy rain without hesitation. Raindrops soaked your hair, your skin, your uniform. Water drenched you instantly, but you didn’t care about the cold or how your hair stuck to your face.

You looked around before walking deeper into the garden. Wisteria petals dripped down along with the rain, sticking in your hair.

Finally, you spotted a large old wisteria tree.

It was one of the many large trees in the garden, its branches forming a curtain of purple petals that hung softly in the rain.

You stepped closer and lifted the curtain of flowers.

And there you finally saw your boyfriend standing beneath them.

He held an umbrella in his hand.

You wondered what he was doing here, but Subaru always seemed to like standing in the garden. You believed it was his way of relaxing.

You stepped closer quietly.

But when you accidentally stepped on a small branch, it snapped softly. Subaru heard it and turned slightly.

When his eyes met yours, they seemed to melt through the silver rain and falling petals.

His lips curved into a gentle smile the moment he saw you.

“Subaru,” you called.

He immediately rushed to you and lifted the umbrella over your head.

“Why are you out here without any cover?” His gentle hand softly wiped the cold raindrops from your cheek.

You gave him a bright smile.

“Did you and Haku recommend me as next year’s captain?” you asked immediately, ignoring his question.

He simply smiled as he tucked your damp hair behind your ear.

“So you got the letter,” he said quietly.

It was a quiet confirmation.

You caught his other hand in yours.

“Why didn’t you tell me? I was surprised when the cat kept rubbing around my legs.”

You spoke with excitement as his hand continued to caress your face gently.

His thumb brushed softly beneath your eye, as if you were the most precious thing in the world.

“I meant it as a surprise for you,” he replied softly, his voice blending with the rain.

You didn’t say anything. Instead, you wrapped your arms around his waist and hugged him.

He seemed surprised at first, but his arms soon wrapped around you as well, pressing a small kiss to the top of your head. He didn’t seem to mind the dampness of your clothes.

“Let’s go inside and get you dry first,” he said.

But you held his hand again, stopping him.

He looked at you in confusion.

“I want to stay here a bit longer with you.”

He smiled at your answer.

You noticed the side of his shoulder was damp, he had been holding the umbrella only over you.

You stepped closer and gently pulled him nearer so the umbrella could cover both of you properly.

His hand lifted again, picking a soft petal from your hair.

You looked up at him.

If you could see yourself in a mirror, you would probably be embarrassed by how lovesick you looked right now.

You couldn’t help it.

He looked so dreamy under the rain and the curtain of flowers, like an angel in some faded watercolor painting.

If you blinked, he might disappear into the rain.

But he wouldn’t.

He was right here.

You saw a soft pink hue spread across his cheeks as you kept gazing at him.

He suddenly spoke, pulling you from your dreamy thoughts.

“It’s like the first time I met you.”

Your gaze flickered to him.

“You remember that?”

He nodded with a small laugh.

“Yes. I remember how you looked so lost in the hallway.”

Your face warmed slightly at the memory. He would never know the real reason you got lost was because you had been too busy staring at him in the garden and didn’t notice when your group left.

And you decided it was better that he never knew.

“You also had some petals in your hair back then,” he continued.

“Really?! Why didn’t you tell me at the time?” you asked.

He laughed softly.

“I thought it was cute.”

His words made your face heat up again.

You spoke quietly.

“I will miss you… once you become a fourth year or graduate.”

You had always been honest with Subaru ever since you started dating.

Because you understood him, his concerns and his anxieties.

“I promise I’ll visit you often,” he reassured gently.

The light glistened in his eyes, and all you could see was your reflection in his pale purple irises.