while i'm riled up about it it is Fascinating to me the way that klingons are intentionally depicted as less advanced than humanity both technologically and culturally bc of their "warlike nature", creating an Other through which 24th century humans can define themselves as superior in relation to in a direct parallel to how 19th century anthropology helped white europeans define themselves as "more evolved" by depicting indigenous (especially african) populations as living fossils of earlier stages of evolution. by locating the Other as unevolved or a relic of the past you create a comforting fiction in which You are above such things (as war, as conquering, as everything klingons do that humanity wants to distance itself from) and its effective enough rhetoric that i've had trekkies in my replies telling me the klingons are like that bc they "never advanced past their medieval age"
While Federation society is very open about the diverse sexual practices of its member species, many travellers may be ignorant of the situation in Klingon society. This is your guide to finding par'Mach among queer Klingon society (locally known as Har'eyngan).
Klingon Spar Dating
Trying to find your perfect match can be time a time-consuming affair, especially when you have to weed through all the heterosexuals first. In Qam-Chee you’ll find special Spar Dating sessions. Each participant spars with a partner for one minute before switching partners. At the end of the session, lacerations are counted and participants are matched according to their martial skill. At that point, couples who have found par'Mach may retire to a side room to mate and declare the marriage oath known as the u’Hal.
Cruising for Qovpatlh
For gay men in Klingon society, venues often emphasise anonymity through darkness, barriers or masks. For example: A club in Tong Vey called Exhaust Manifold has closed cubicles with two holes in the side for participants to enjoy each other though; while Cloaked Rendevous in Kl'alath hosts masquerade parties where the participants don full armor (except for certain areas of the body).
This is because Klingon culture, like many warrior cultures such as the Andorian Imperial Guard, the Skorr or human Vikings and Romans, doesn’t have a stark straight-gay divide with pansexuality being largely normalised. The divide among men is more between who is the dominant, active participant, and who is the submissive, receptive participant.
Klingon men who assume the submissive role, termed Qovpatlh, have historically been subject to discrimination and have trouble ascending through the ranks of the military. In recent years, they have been fighting for greater protections, what you could term a ‘bottoms rights movement’. Protests outside the High Council chambers have seen signs reading (roughly translated): “Douching brings no dishonor!”, “There is no disgrace in subspace! (unless we’re into that)” and “I find glory in my hole!”
Until their appeals are heard and society begins to shift, such secretive venues will often be the norm for Klingon men to protect their houses.
Quin'lat Ngem Musicals
Quin'lat’s renowned theatres put on some of the queerest productions in the Empire, such as the latest adaptation Klach D'kel Brakt: The Musical! This retelling of the famous Briar Patch battle pits the Klingon and Romulan commanders as bitter former lovers feuding after an acrimonious breakup. Kor has a heartfelt ballad in the first act about how Chulak ran off with the sabre bear they adopted together and wouldn’t even let him say goodbye. Be prepared for catty insults and bloody battles.
Then there is A Portrait of a Matriarch on Fire about Chancellor L’Rell’s famous affair with the artist of her first official portrait, the story of which only came out via letters lost for the past hundred years.
Like most Klingon theatre, these are strictly drink-along events. However, these are also a stab-along events so bring a blade and every time there is an epic betrayal and someone is dismembered, remember to stab the person to the right for the most immersive experience (bring a bandage for your left side).
The Pink Targ Bar
There are a lot of lesbian bars across Qo’noS, including Bloodwine Supernova in L'chorta, The Pink Targ Bar in First City and Super Honorable Ultra Deadly Girl in L'vln Lak Raal. Most of these bars operate strict roles of butch and femme mirroring straight gender roles (and they do not like you playing outside these roles). But to an outsider, the difference between a masculine Klingon woman and a feminine one may be too subtle. So we went to the The Pink Targ Bar and asked some locals, Kali and Kolana, “which one of you recites poetry, and which one of you throws things?”
Kali: “Ha, it is good you ask us, puny Bolian. You risk offending many in your ignorance. You see how many Mek’leths are here?”
Trekbait: “Gosh, everyone has one.”
Kali: “It is a traditional for us to carry one. You see a woman with a Mek’leth over the battlefield or the bloodwine, then you know she desires par'Mach with a fellow female warrior.”
Kolana: “But do you see, little blue girl, how some of them, like mine, have patches of dried blood while others, like Kali’s, are spotless?”
Trekbait: “Are some of you better at cleaning weapons?”
Kolana: “...”
Kali: “Dried blood of long defeated enemies is a signal to others that the bearer that they take the path of the feminine. Those you can see your face reflected in follow the path of butchness.”
Kolana: “Assuming that is she hasn’t just been stabbing someone. Hence, dried blood.”
Trekbait: “So then what do I do? – I mean – What would you do? To ensure you don't offend them with the wrong overture?”
Kolana: “If you see dried blood, like on mine, ensure you have come prepared with poetry. Something original, we’re all bored of Shakespeare.”
Kali: “Ugh, those damn sonnets."
Kolana: “And if it is clean, like mine, strike her across the face or hurl a nearby object at her. All good lesbian bars will have a supply of throwable objects and blades around.”
Trekbait: “Doesn’t that get expensive?”
Kali: “There’s a reason the drinks are so expensive, speaking of which: my tankard is empty, Bolian!”
Kolana: “And don’t be surprised if the whole bar begins to brawl as soon as you’ve thrown the first mating punch of the night. We don’t dance on ‘floors’ like weaklings. We fight, bleed and **** to the music!”
Disclaimer
While most of our reporters suffered physical injuries during research for this article, none have yet to be proved fatal.
I am taking part in an art exhibition and these are the drawings I have there. I love communist realism as an art style and I like to combine it with klingon imagery. Also an amazing opportunity to use my writing system tlhIngngutlh :)
The texts in the posters in order:
jevbogh tuchDaq wIjaHjaj - Let’s go to a storming future
nItebHa’ mavum - We work together
nuje’ bIQ’a’, wo’ rur - The sea feeds us like the empire
We also discussed this with my friend and thought that these are supposedly right before the galactic exploration of klingons. Just pre human, pre star fleet klingons.
