#trans sadness

[marie-ann-petite]

From my archives: During my school years, I was often subjected to severe bullying. My feminine demeanour made me an easy target. Classmates throw me to the floor in the school canteen and force me down on all fours so they could use me as a seat. I could still feel the weight of their asses on my back for a long time 🏳️‍⚧️

[anime-villian-irl]

In another life I am a cishet white boy kneeling at a alter for the abrahamic god.

I do not question wether or not that God is benevolent or how Jesus can be human and God. I do not question wether or not if I am going to go to hell. I just pray.

I walk down the street and I smile and wave at everyone I see. I don't keep my head down I don't tense up when I hear a cop car. I do tense up when I see a black man walking down the street but I know that I will be protected if anything happens.

I walk alone at night with music , good Christian music , playing in my ears. I don't dance because I'm in public and that's unseemly. I don't feel the need to jerk my limbs around in odd strange movements to express joy either because I am normal. I allow myself to hum but stop when I see someone walking down the street because I am polite.

I am going to marry a nice blonde white Christian cishet woman and we are going to have nice blonde Christian cishet babies. I will be able to afford a house and she will be able to afford to stay at home. And I will never once question wether or not I should have kids. Because it's my purpose to have them.

I get paid well and I am kind enough to my coworkers though I am slightly intimidated by my black woman coworker who never smiles. I tried to make a joke about her smiling more once and she just stared at me. I made a comment about it to a guy I knew but was not close with and we both laughed. Her frown deepened that day but I didn't care. She quit later that year. I think it's for the better. None of the women in the office felt safe around her.

I put a ally flag on my desk during pride month then take it down as soon as it's over. I put it in the closet for next year. Maybe my wife will find it and throw it away while cleaning up.

We get an intern at the office , they are a black woman who claims to be "transmasc genderfluid" I smile and nod while she introduces herself then after she leaves I make a joke to a man I think I might be friends with about kids these days and their genders.

I don't think about death or killing myself. Why would I? My life is perfect. I have a wife who cooks for me , children who are passing every class. I am paid well. And I work in America and am a servant of God. There is no cloud of doom hanging over me , there is no shaking deep in my bones making me feel on the verge of tears all the time. I have empathy as every human should have. And I have an understanding of social ques like every adult should have.

The black woman who claims to be trans has a breakdown in the office one day. And I watch. And for a moment I look at her and I see what I could have been. If I wasn't born right. If I wasn't me. And I grimace. I report her to HR then I go back to my desk.

[deadly-dreamy]

When does trans joy start again?

Could really use some of that right now, all I’ve got is trans sadness

[marie-ann-petite]

You’re a beautiful man.

I’m used to being humiliated, but this humiliation hits me particularly hard. It makes me sad and breaks my heart. I’m crying; you’ve made me weep bitterly.

[marie-ann-petite]

🤍🏳️‍⚧️🤍 This damned trans girl sadness 🤍🏳️‍⚧️🤍

[till-kin]

trans sadness. (trans grief? unsure) I'm so tired. I just want my mom to call me her son, to hear my name in her voice, to know that she really sees me. Instead she gets angry and tells me to stop pressuring her and that its 'new' to her even though I've been out to her for around 3 years now. I'm wearing my binder, baggy shirt, and dysphoria hoodie as well as hugging my comfort plush. I just want to be me. Is that too much to ask?

[offamychest]

Not Great feels about Mother's Day

I have abandonment issues with both my parents. Was raised being told and exposed to big family and closeness and the importance of loving each other, etc... until I was 18 and maybe it's just that I was now an adult, but they've both pulled away - time to live their own lives not being parents, I guess?

my mom... it was after she had to help take care of her mom in her final days (didn't get as bad as some people experience) and then was there to be present during the assisted suicide (grandma had cancer and wanted to go on her terms before losing her agency) - that mom just decided to sell her house and move to a different city (2.5 hours drive over mountains) and then not talk to me more than occasional texts. - and I wonder how much of it is my gender presentation and choosing to change my name. But can't tell, because she's always been science minded and progressive compared to most boomers.

I think she thinks that since she resented how much her mom demanded her attention, that she's doing me a favor by not giving me any attention? She has informed me that I'm the one who, when/if she's in a state she can't make a medical decision, that I am to tell them to let her go. fine. I can do that. but freaking wow.

I always send flowers on mother's day because if I forget, I get a guilt trip, but this year I didn't even get a text saying they were received.

Sent one saying Happy Mother's Day, hope the flowers arrived. - short response. She's talking to chat bots. I am not okay with this. - Getting ready to start (even more) grieving my loss before she's even dead.

[boonandbash]

Regular yearning?

Nuh uh I’m yearning the daughter my mother can never have because of my intense self hatred for my body