#queer sadness

[akasketch]

WHOOPS I thought about my shitty love life and got TheBigSad™️ again

[mightbeanangel]

i should be kissing a dyke right now. instead I'm crying over a decade worth of queerbait.

[ilovebylerandstonathan]

I'm filled with queer sadness bc of Byler and Narusasu. Ts came out of no where (w narusasu) the last time I watched naruto at all was like 4 Years ago. And I literally didnt ship anyone (besides inosaku, I shipped them way b4 I knew girls could kiss). Like i Be watching edits of them and it's like wow. My heart is aching freshly bc of Byler slightly be of narusasu and I NEED fic recs for narusasu. Badly. Especially modern au.

Please🙏

🌀☀️

[anime-villian-irl]

In another life I am a cishet white boy kneeling at a alter for the abrahamic god.

I do not question wether or not that God is benevolent or how Jesus can be human and God. I do not question wether or not if I am going to go to hell. I just pray.

I walk down the street and I smile and wave at everyone I see. I don't keep my head down I don't tense up when I hear a cop car. I do tense up when I see a black man walking down the street but I know that I will be protected if anything happens.

I walk alone at night with music , good Christian music , playing in my ears. I don't dance because I'm in public and that's unseemly. I don't feel the need to jerk my limbs around in odd strange movements to express joy either because I am normal. I allow myself to hum but stop when I see someone walking down the street because I am polite.

I am going to marry a nice blonde white Christian cishet woman and we are going to have nice blonde Christian cishet babies. I will be able to afford a house and she will be able to afford to stay at home. And I will never once question wether or not I should have kids. Because it's my purpose to have them.

I get paid well and I am kind enough to my coworkers though I am slightly intimidated by my black woman coworker who never smiles. I tried to make a joke about her smiling more once and she just stared at me. I made a comment about it to a guy I knew but was not close with and we both laughed. Her frown deepened that day but I didn't care. She quit later that year. I think it's for the better. None of the women in the office felt safe around her.

I put a ally flag on my desk during pride month then take it down as soon as it's over. I put it in the closet for next year. Maybe my wife will find it and throw it away while cleaning up.

We get an intern at the office , they are a black woman who claims to be "transmasc genderfluid" I smile and nod while she introduces herself then after she leaves I make a joke to a man I think I might be friends with about kids these days and their genders.

I don't think about death or killing myself. Why would I? My life is perfect. I have a wife who cooks for me , children who are passing every class. I am paid well. And I work in America and am a servant of God. There is no cloud of doom hanging over me , there is no shaking deep in my bones making me feel on the verge of tears all the time. I have empathy as every human should have. And I have an understanding of social ques like every adult should have.

The black woman who claims to be trans has a breakdown in the office one day. And I watch. And for a moment I look at her and I see what I could have been. If I wasn't born right. If I wasn't me. And I grimace. I report her to HR then I go back to my desk.

[ilikebooksmoviesseriesandanime]

[aaa-battery-not-rechargeable]

Musings on the Queer Lens of being an Eldest Daughter

I am my mother's daughter, though less girl than she'd like. Less silent than she'd like. Less pliant and cooperative than she'd like.

I'm not my mother, I'm a little less and a little more at the same time.

I see her when I look in the mirror, feel when I'm walking solo in the woods, hear her words and tone from my mouth when I speak to children.

I see her efforts when a bird flies by, and I don't flinch. She used to flinch, but trained it out of herself, and out of the bloodline.

She made me, and influenced every thought until I was five. But I'm not her same patriarchal corporate brand of Quiet Woman, Good Daughter, White Picket Fence Wife.

My mother lacks critical thinking skills. From her environmental impact to her impact on her children, to her mother's impact on her.

She envies me, she's said so many times. It feels like a guilt trip, like she wants me to do something. I don't know whether to lift her up or pull myself down to her.

I think she envies my queerness, when she's limited herself to being the White Picket Fence Wife. She envies the fact that I don't need her, because she needs her mother. She needed me, but I do not need her in return.

She desperately clings to my little brother, in hopes that he'll need her, but he's no daughter either.

To raise an eldest daughter in the same circumstances she was brainwashed in, only to have the child be more than she ever could...

I do not envy my mother's place.

[thereforeiamslug]

Being a queer teen isnt always fun

As a trans aroace young teen i would like to talk about it for a second.

Very often, people (mostly online), tell me to wait for things to happen, wait if i really am trans, and wait if im really a late bloomer.

So what? What if it changes? Shouldnt it matter what i feel now, and should i not care about if it changes? Why fit into the boxes you created for me, while i feel different than that? Do i need to wait just for a person i am not yet?

All this pain i endure, all this dysphoria that is real. All this questioning myself if i really am queer and i not just "want to be different" is real because its hurting me.

And yet, other people dismiss that pain. The people you would expect to help you, and accept you! Ive been told many things like:

"Im so glad you know youre aroace! Now you wont have to deal with all the emotional trauma of dating!"

"Wow, so you can focus on all the other aspects of life to the fullest!"

"Knowing youre (trans or aroace) at such a young age must be amazing! So many people spend years of their life feeling broken!"

And many more of this kind of comments.

It might seem supportive, but it doesnt feel like that. It dismisses my pain, my struggles with being different than people my age, my questioning of my identity, my wonders if i will be accepted by people, even with my age. I feel broken. I feel different. I see all that wonderful love out there, and feel sad i can never have that. I feel like an imposter. I feel like shit. All those things that hurt me, and all the "normal" lgbtqia+ struggles on top of that.

It makes me want to scream and shout at people, yell my identity of all roofs, and make sure they will not forget that i am here and scared for my life!

Dont dismiss our identity, and dont dismiss our pain.

And if you are out there with the same feelings, dont think youre alone. Youre wonderful and i am here, and so many others!

[stonebutchooze]

There's something that happens when someone's butch — not trying to be butch, undeniably butch, even in long earrings and a dress you can tell they're raring to be in a shirt and slacks, in the corner of the room as opposed to the centre— but also so delicate. You ask them to get something from the top shelf and they fix their eyes on it and rise to the tips of locked toes. Their joints bend just a little too much and they notice when someone stands like a dancer. They talk with their hands and turn up the femininity in their voice a crazy amount at parties because they haven't yet learnt you don't need to talk like that any more, honey. They worry about making people uncomfortable in bathrooms and keep friendly smiles at their fingertips when traversing busy, rainy streets. They hide their chest beneath layers and layers of shirt, sweatshirt, denim jacket covered in patches— but still hunch, trying to accommodate a shame that's always been there, stuck to the skin like industrial glue. They keep silent around their family and scream out the rage later, wondering why can't you see me?