#transgender parenting

[latter-day-saint-nick]

"Gay people are a threat to the family!" Look, mate, I'm not attacking your heterosexual family, yet here you are, attacking my queer one. So who's the real threat?

[seahorse-dad-in-training]

About me/this blog

I made this blog to talk about the unique experiences of being a trans parent, especially a trans gestational/birthing parent.

I am a seahorse dad, which means that I, a trans man was pregnant and gave birth to my child. If you're unaware, it's a term that was created due to male seahorses being the ones who are "pregnant" and "deliver" their babies.

This blog is primarily for anyone who wants to be, will be, or is a trans gestational parent first and foremost. This means trans men, transmasculine, and nonbinary folk where applicable. People who want to be supportive or educated on what this can look like for us are certainly welcome as well! Especially partners and loved ones.

I'm a (nonbinary) trans guy in my early 20s and am now a parent to a busy, happy, amazingly empathetic and fun toddler. My partner (the other bio parent) is nonbinary.

This blog may/is planned to have content from the following topics: (+ I'm always open to any questions!) (below cut)

* Navigating parenthood as a trans queer couple/parent

* Random baby/toddler related content

* Pregnancy and delivery as a trans gestational parent

*post partum: healing, post partum mental health problems, post-pregnancy health complications

* Gender neutral/gender creative parenting and the different variations of it. Plus difficulties and cautionaries related to it

*dealing with family and friends

* Parenthood with a premie

* and occasionally I may branch out to other things not directly related to being trans like being neurodiverse and how that makes parenthood interesting, as well as relationship issues that can come about when you're a parent.

Remember to be respectful! I will block/not respond to any hateful messages or comments. While this blog will not always be sunshine and rainbows or positive, I'm going to do my best to foster a safe environment for a group of people (and their supporters) who often feel alone...and left out of these discussions.

I will NOT dictate what language other people feel comfortable with, and you shouldn't either. If someone prefers chest feeding over breast feeding, great! If someone prefers to be called Mom instead of dad as a trans man parent, that's okay! The terms that people find most comfortable are not an insult to you unless they push it onto you.

No question is a "dumb" question. We all start to learn somewhere and my DMs are open if you're not comfortable sending an ask. I will not post your blog without explicit permission.

[c4mpbutch]

Reuben (Papa) & our baby

East Sussex, 2020

[transgenderpapa]

Tomorrow Hotaru goes back to school and my nieces Fran and Sakura will go in for their very first day of kinder. This is Hotaru's bento... well half of it. I was in a hurry and didn't photograph the upper container. It's supposed to be Ccino Sans, an Undertale AU character. Despite my planning, I was missing several ingredients so it looks kinda iffy but I'll give it another try soon.

I leave Hotaru little notes for important occasions so I doodled a Tanjiro for her un under 10 minutes before going to bed.

Her water cup was too plain so I penned a little Nezuko in for flavour. Hotaru went bonkers when she saw it. Said it made her day (which had been pretty crappy what with preparations and intense house cleaning). The drawing will fade but I'll draw her somthing else then. It's fun!

[sallymolay]

Mom, I’m not a girl!

I just came across this little video documentary about Penell, a young trans boy in Brooklyn. His mother tells his story -- how his identity was clear to him almost from the moment he learned to talk, how his brothers and friends stand up for him and about her hopes for his future.

[basic-cable]

So my younger child has always been a little different. Always. Had she been born with ‘girl’ parts, we wouldn’t have thought she was different at all. Maybe a bit of a tomboy, but I think that has a lot more to do with having a big brother who spent all his time with her.

But instead she was born with ‘boy’ parts. So we noticed early on that she was ‘different’. And even though we were already demonstrative LGBTQ+ allies, we were also very careful to make sure she knew she could choose clothes or toys from whichever section she wanted. So she, as a 'he’ back then, attended school in Twinkle Toes shoes and pink/sparkly accessories and all sorts of things we generally assign to girls, and she was happy, so we were happy.

We fully expected an announcement from her at some point, even a casual one. Would have been surprised not to ever hear one. To be honest, we were hoping for gay, because it seemed like that would be easier for her, but we knew that transgender or genderfluid were options, and were prepared for those, as well.

The years flew by. We were vocal in our support of the community; not for her sake, but because it’s what’s right. She turned eleven. And she’s always seemed more self-aware than I ever was, so I began to think that perhaps she simply didn’t have the right words to describe herself aloud.

So we had a long discussion about gender identity, something we admittedly hadn’t discussed in detail before, though we’d touched on it multiple times – you know, some girls are born with boy parts, some boys are born with girl parts, it’s totally fine, etc. – but this time it was intentional and I was prepared; I even made a PowerPoint so I had some visual aids. There were questions and comments after, but they were all voiced by her brother. I gently prodded her to try to make sure she didn’t have any questions she just wasn’t asking, but nothing.

Months passed. Life was the same as always. And then one day, about four months after we talked about it, she came to me. She was hesitant and shaky and couldn’t look me in the eye, but she was so, so brave. She told me that she’d been thinking about it for a long time, and wanted to tell me that she felt like a girl, and wanted to go through puberty as a girl, and would I please tell everyone else so she wouldn’t have to? And I told her I would and I hugged her and kissed her and made sure to tell how much I loved her, had always loved her, would always love her.

And things are still the same as always, except now we say we have a son and a daughter, instead of two boys. The pronoun shift was actually harder than any of us expected, because we’ve been saying 'he’ and 'him’ and 'his’ for over eleven years, but she’s been patient and forgiving.

My point in writing this is, I think, for the parents out there, to be patient, and not too hard on yourself.

Even if you think you’ve been as open and positive as it is possible to be, they still have to have the time to come to terms with it on their own first. Was there anything else we could have done to make it easier for her? It’s over now, and we can’t go back, but I think about it a lot. Even though I tried to make absolutely sure she would know I’d be okay with it if she ever decided to tell me, she was still nervous and clearly upset about having to say it out loud, even to someone who loved her unconditionally.

And there were probably multiple things we could have done. But we’re human and she’s human and we’re moving forward now.

I think ultimately the biggest issue, perhaps, for a lot of kids out there, is that no matter what we were telling and showing her, the media is a powerful thing, and there’s not a single person like her on any of the kid shows she watches, and it’s a fairly clear indicator to her that’s she’s not considered 'normal’ by the mainstream. So it took her some time to accept it, herself.

So please be patient, and don’t treat them like they’re not 'normal’, and just love them with everything you have.

[latter-day-saint-nick]

Not to be autistic on main, but some of the toys at my toddler's playgroup are so good for stimming.

[latter-day-saint-nick]

Kiddo is sixteen months old now, and fiercely independent - always wanting to do things for herself. At church today I held out the sacrament tray to her to see if she wanted to pick up a piece of bread without help. Instead she picked up the whole tray and didn't want to let go of it, and the priesthood holder had to coax it quietly off her so he could continue passing the sacrament.