The Big Lie, Ch. 26: I Lied to You
(Present day and a hidden glimpse at the past) The truth comes out. All of it.
Prev - I Lied to You - Masterpost - [ AO3 ]
"They say the truth hurts, so I lied to you Yes, I lied to you" - I Lied to You by Miles Caton "Honey, you're familiar like my mirror years ago Idealism sits in prison, chivalry fell on his sword Innocence died screaming, honey, ask me, I should know I slithered here from Eden just to sit outside your door" - From Eden - by Hozier
Silk sash cool against his cheek, warm arms gripping him tight. The crack and splinter of wood breaking. Patton’s voice, thick with tears. Little One's, too, with a low almost monotone chant just beneath them both.
Darkness.
A flash of bright pink hair above a furrowed brow, light shining in one eye, then the other. More voices, hushed, tight with worry and fear.
Glass clanked against glass, liquid sloshing. “We found more in the closet…” Logan’s voice.
“Merde. Those are from my kingdom.”
“The fucking hooch is from mine.”
The light went away. “Keep looking.” Blinding light returned and his mouth was opened with latex-covered fingers. “Every drop needs to go.”
Room spinning, he gagged and was turned.
“That’s it, Jay…” Lucas’ rough hand pushing away his hair, others rubbing his back. “Just get all that shit out…”
A wet cloth on his mouth. Then more darkness.
Drops of soft golden light sparkled on the edges of his vision. Remus’ hand in his, the sequins from his sleeve scratchy and familiar.
“Little One?"
Remus' fingers tightened around his. "Right here." he whispered, voice thin and cracking. His hand was wet and he blocked the light when he leaned closer. He stank of rot and sulfur and sick.
Janus held on as tight as he could. "I'm sorry, Little One," he mumbled, words thick on his tongue even as his room pushed the truth from his throat. "I'm so sorry I let you down."
"Fuck that sorry shit," Remus curled next to him, head gently gently gently resting on his chest. His odor eased up, just a bit, and he sighed. Shaky. Wet. "We're just scared for you, Jan-Jan."
"'We?'" Remus wouldn't settle into sleep if Vigiliance was in the room. They had to keep to the order or no-one could sleep. Vigilance, Remus, then patrol.
A black wristwatch swam into view, stroking Remus' hair. Logan. "You're not alone, Janus." Logan was here, too? Maybe that would be okay. Maybe Remus could sleep with Logan nearby. "You can rest now."
"Mmm…" He couldn't keep up his fight with the lead weights covering his eyes and he let them close. "Is it time for a story, Little One?”
“Sure thing, Jan-Jan." The scent of salt and seaweed as Remus wrapped both arms around him. "Once upon a time there was a beautiful, fearsome dragon…”
~
Janus woke to a quiet room, the bed beneath him empty and soft and warm. Too warm. He pushed at the covers. They smelled like dryer sheets and vanilla and were so, so heavy.
“Here, Jan,” a soft voice murmured. Gentle hands peeled back the covers.
Janus tugged them back reflexively, needing a moment to realize he was dressed in his old pajamas. He blinked down at the soft yellow flannel, ungloved hands brushing down the buttons. The pajamas were thick and soft, no illusion. They were real.
He thought he’d ruined them trying to get out the mead stains.
“Remus made you a fresh set when we found the old ones in the back of your closet,” the voice explained. “We—we…” It was Patton. Oh, gods, what was Patton doing in his room? “We weren’t just snooping,” he said, hands fluttering where they rested next to him on the bed. “Dr. Picani said to look everywhere for more and—“
“Picani?” Janus shot up. Fire exploded behind his eyes, knives stabbing his temples, his forehead, the base of his skull.
“Whoa there,” Patton whispered, moving to his side. He curled one arm around his back and helped him lay back down. “Take it easy. Virgil got Dr. Picani when you collapsed. He…” His hand rested over Janus’ unscaled one. “Ro carried you up here and, well… The door was locked so Lucas kicked it in and—"
Too fast, Janus' eyes darted to the door. The room spun and he squeezed them shut again.
Patton's hand was in his hair. "It's okay, Ro and Remus fixed it up. Can't even see where it broke now. And…" Patton's voice quivered. "And then…"
“And then?” he prompted after a moment, eyes still shut.
“Dr. Picani made sure you were o—well, not okay, but that you were resting. He said… he said, well… Jan…"
He sighed.
"Jan, we found the bottles.” There was another cool cloth against his forehead, his mouth. “Logan and Remus and—and Ro, too… everybody helped get things back in order here.”
Little One… Janus stretched and touched the bed beside him. Empty. "Where…" he began. He'd been dreaming of Remus. At least…
"Everyone else is asleep," Patton said.
Janus wasn't so sure Remus was actually asleep. Worry twisted in his chest, competing with the ache in his head and his bones. All this seemed like the perfect time for Remus to—
Like he used to when they were young, Patton seemed to guess his worry. "Logan's been helping Remus rest." The mattress shifted and Patton drew nearer. "He's okay. We're all worried about you. We've been taking turns looking after you." Patton huffed, more sigh than laugh, and he brushed the washcloth over his forehead. "I asked for the night shift."
Janus lay still, waiting for the throbbing behind his eyes to ease. It wouldn’t take long for his room to further loosen Patton’s tongue, to get him to explain why, to explain what else had happened.
If Janus wasn’t careful, though, his room might make him do the same.
His pajamas clung to his skin, slow to cool even without the heavy blankets covering him. “Is there…” He licked dry lips, eyes searching automatically for one of the bottles perennially on his nightstand.
The polished wooden surface was bare, save for a small lamp and a bottle of water.
“Are you thirsty?” Patton asked, reaching for the water before he’d even answered. At Janus’ nod, Patton uncapped it and helped him sit up.
Suddenly cold, Janus shuddered, leaning far too heavily against Patton’s chest. Patton pulled the blankets closer.
“Here,” he murmured as he lifted the bottle to Janus’ lips. “Take it nice and slow.”
The water was cool on his tongue, softening his parched throat. But after just a few sips, Janus’ stomach turned and he pressed his lips together, turning his head. Wordlessly, Patton twisted the cap back on and pulled the covers up to Janus’ chest.
He started to stand but Janus’ hand snaked out from under the covers and latched onto his wrist. “Stay?” Janus asked before he could stop himself.
“Of course, Jan.”
Patton’s smile was so soft it hurt. He hadn’t looked at him like that in… A long time. And if Patton had any idea what Janus had done, he certainly wouldn’t be looking at him like that now.
But Janus could delay the truth a long, long time, too.
Closed water bottle in easy reach on the bed next to them, Patton shifted them, settling Janus against his chest, warm strong arms wrapped loosely around him.
Slowly, and now more than a little convinced this was only a dream, Janus let himself sink into the embrace, his own arms resting over Patton’s.
It felt strange to touch him without his gloves on. Strange, but wonderful. And perhaps, he suspected, unwelcome. “If they bother you,” Janus made himself say after a while, waving his right hand. The new scales creeping up from his wrist barely covered the back, their faint sheen sparkling. “I can find my gloves.”
Patton slipped one arm free and brushed his fingers over the thick scales covering Janus’ left hand. “Your scales have never bothered me, Jan,” he whispered. “They’re beautiful. I told you that.”
Bright brown eyes ringed with blue and an even brighter smile beamed up at him, flour dusting his cheeks and hair. “They sparkle!”
The question Janus shouldn’t ask forced itself past tight lips. “You still think they’re beautiful now that you know what they represent?” He watched Patton’s fingers still then resume their gentle stroking against his scales. “Are they so beautiful now that you know what they really are?”
Patton sighed, bitter truth thick in the air. “If you had asked me that a few years ago,” he began slowly, carefully. “I might—I probably would’ve said I thought they were beautiful despite what they represented.”
Janus turned his face away from him, tears forming in his human eye. “We each have our roles to play,” he said, throat drying. “Whether we wish it or not.”
Nodding quietly, Patton picked up the water bottle and uncapped it. Janus drank and risked a glance at Patton’s eyes.
He smiled, a sad, soft smile. “We all have our roles,” he agreed as he closed the bottle. Then he rested a hand over Janus’ heart. “It’s easier for me to fulfill mine when you don’t hide what you’re feeling from me.”
Janus looked away again. “Perhaps it is.”
He hid his own closed fist against his side, forcing himself to remain quiet, forcing down all the words fizzling in his chest and in his heart. If he said too much, he might break this spell, whatever it was. He just needed Patton’s arms wrapped around him for a little while longer, then he’d be willing, be able to releassse his hold.
They sat together in silence for a long time.
“You don’t only hide secrets from Thomas,” Patton finally said.
It wasn’t a question, so Janus simply listened.
“Like when you stop Logan from telling us things. Or kept him out of the trial.” He felt Patton turn to look at the records lining his wall. Did he know what they were now?
Patton rested his cheek, so very lightly, on the top of his head. “You hide our secrets for us, too. Like hiding Remus.”
Truth pressing against his teeth, Janus nodded but kept his mouth shut. He clung to Patton’s arm, relishing the warmth beneath his palms, the fuzzy tickle of Patton’s hair against his skin, the flex and shift of tendons and muscles.
“What have you hidden from me, Jan?” The whispered demand loosened Janus’ tongue, and the truth danced, ready to be revealed.
Patton’s arms were stronger than they used to be, muscles defined and ropy, elbows calloused. Patches of soft, thick hair. He was different now, they both were, but Janus refused to let himself forget again how good, how right, it felt to hold him close.
Even after the truth came out and, inevitably, he would have to let him go again.
“Do you really want to know?” Janus whispered, offering them both one last out.
Patton held him tighter. “Yes.”
He pointed, hand shaking, at the top shelf. “It’s the blue record in the corner,” he said, iron chains crumbling from around his throat, his heart. “It…”
Nodding, Patton stood and put the record on the turntable. By the time he’d sat back down and wrapped his arms around Janus again, the memory was already playing.
~
“They hired an actual rabbi for the wedding scene,” Curiosity mused as they watched the credits for The Birdcage slowly scroll. Eyebrow raised, he considered the screen. “Well, I suppose they needed to make sure they had somebody knowlegeable there when he stomped on the glass.”
Creativity’s eyes widened, giving Curiosity all his attention.
“There have been… incidents,” Curiosity explained, eyes gleaming behind his glasses, “when they place the glass the wrong way.”
Heart curled closer to him, shivering as all their minds turned to the possibilities.
“‘Incidents?’” Creativity leaned forward. “What kind of ‘incidents?’”
“Sharp glass, a nervous groom, and a thousand PSI of pressure?” Curiosity laughed. “There’s usually a lot of blood. Feet are very vascularized.”
“Blood?” Creativity grinned. “Do you think there are pictures?”
Curiosity hummed. “Probably. Let’s go look them up!”
“See ya!” Creativity shouted and grabbed Curiosity’s hand. “We’re off to use the internet in Dad’s office!”
“Remember, he can see everything you look up!” Heart called after them. He turned to Protection, lip caught between his teeth. “You’ll check on them later?”
“I will. And they’ll be fine,” Protection murmured. “You needn’t worry.” His smile grew when Heart settled back against his side, their fingers intertwined. During Armand and Albert’s big fight in the movie, Heart had curled close to Protection, sniffling quietly. Even after they made up in the film, even after they figured out how to get everyone away from the paparazzi, Heart had remained tucked up against his side, head laying on his chest. Leaning against him now, Heart tapped at the DVD case in his lap.
Protection gently dragged his fingers through Heart’s soft curls, cheek resting on the top of his head. The sun had set in the world outside while they’d watched the DVD, and as the credits finished, the soft glow of the menu screen lit the room.
Heart looked down and, with his free hand, traced over the figures on the case. Senator Keely’s frown, the bright pink of Albert’s espadrilles. The couple’s hands locked together, so similar to how theirs were now.
Warm against his side, Protection hoped Heart might fall asleep next to him. It wouldn’t been the first time they’d dozed together on the couch but every time, it was the best sleep Protection had.
Tension suddenly rippled through Heart’s shoulders as he drew a little closer. “Hey, Protection?”
“Hmm?” He continued to stroke Heart’s hair but the worried warble in his voice put Protection on high alert.
“Do you…” He started, shifting as he searched for the words. “Are we…” Heart hugged the empty case to his chest and whispered. “Are we gay?”
“Well, I—“ Protection considered his question. Sitting close with Heart, his love pouring from every touch, every whisper, it felt obvious to him that they shared the same feelings, the same desire as the gay couple in the film. He’d never thought of his love for Heart and the others as gay, just as love.
Protection started to nod, glancing down at Heart’s pink lips. He wondered if they felt as soft as they looked.
“’Cause we can’t be,” Heart said firmly and Protection snapped his own jaw shut, listening. “Sister Margaret Mary read the Scripture to us and said it’s a sin for a man to lay with another man. We can’t like boys. We like girls. We have to.”
Protection’s hand stilled in Heart’s hair, but he didn’t pull away. He didn’t speak, didn’t breathe. Didn’t dare move at all.
Heart wouldn’t look at him but his body shuddered with a quiet sob. He sniffled. “We’re not gay…” he whispered. “Are we?”
“Oh, my dearest Heart…” Protection tightened the arm wrapped around Heart’s shoulders. “No,” he said, the soft word swirling around the Mindscape. The lie washed down the walls in a light only he could see, casting long, sharp shadows from every corner even as it illuminated the television, the couch, the family photos arranged throughout the room.
The light touched the floor and followed the rug to them, crawling up their toes and legs.
When the light hit Heart, he sighed, relaxed and content, tears gone.
When the light hit Protection, fiery, sharp needles creeped up along his left side. He watched as the ugly green scales burned themselves into his hand, the pain traveling up his arm, his neck, his face.
Protection stifled a gasp when he touched his jaw and his cheek, thick scales covering half his face.
He'd barely had time to recover and slip on a fresh illusion when Heart sat up and smiled at him.
“I always feel so much better when I talk to you, Protection,” he said, taking his right hand. The mask held and Heart noticed no difference.
Fear and pain coiled deep inside his belly, the weight of the lie he’d just told threatening to tear a hole through his chest. He wrapped it up tight, a burning coal dense as diamond, lodged just beneath his sternum.
But as much as he pushed it down, a bit still slipped out and Heart frowned at him. “Are you… Are you alright? I felt—“
“It’sss nothing at all to worry about,” Protection insisted, ratcheting down the binds beneath his ribs. “I was merely concerned for you,” he half-lied. Half a lie is still half the truth, isn’t it? He smiled and cupped Heart’s cheek, palm blessedly scale-free. For now. He offered Heart what truth he could. “I’m happy I could reassure you.”
Leaning into his touch, Heart nodded happily. “I was really worried there,” he said and settled back against his chest. Protection resumed carding an unscaled hand through his hair, marveling at the way the light of his lie sparkled through the strands.
Heart blinked slowly, breaths easing back into a steady rhythm and, for a moment, Protection again thought Heart might drift off in his arms. But he shook himself and stretched with a long yawn. “We’re definitely up past our bedtime,” he laughed and wiggled off the couch. And out of Protection’s embrace. “Are you heading up?”
“Sssoon,” Protection promised. “I would like to finish my tea firssst.”
For a moment, Heart looked like he wanted to protest, but he nodded with a grin. “Okay, then. Sleep well,” he said with a wave and bounced off to the stairs.
“Sleep well, Heart.” Protection waited until his shadow disappeared on the stairwell and his door closed before loosening the grip of his mask. Wrapping his sweater so like Heart’s around himself, Protection hid his face in the knit and cried.
~
“That was how you got these,” Patton murmured, voice thin. The hand on Janus’ cheek was soft, gently tracing his scales, the split in his cheek. Soft and so, so warm.
He couldn’t look. There was no disgust in Patton’s voice, but Janus couldn’t bear to see it there, crouching just behind his eyes, waiting just under his voice, curling up his lips into a not-quite-smile, uncertain and uncomfortable in Janus’ presence once again.
So he closed his eyes and pressed his cheek into Patton’s palm.
Patton’s skin still smelled like sugar and vanilla.
“The Big Lie,” Janus said. “Not the first. Not the last.”
“But the biggest,” Patton whispered. “Jan, I’m so sorry.” Tears choked his words. But he didn’t let go.
“Your apologies are unnecessary. You were doing your job, Patton. Fulfilling your role.” Janus braced himself for the moment when Patton would have to fulfill his role again. “You didn’t know…”
A sob pushed up from Patton’s throat. “Didn’t know that it would break you?”
Would it have made a difference if you’d known?
Janus shook his head, avoiding the truth but not denying it. “You didn’t know what you were asking of me.”
“But things are different now.” Patton’s hand on his cheek grew firm, excitement heating his blood, his skin. “Everything is different now. Yeah, we all have a lot to talk out together as a famILY and… a lot apologies to make, too…”
With Patton’s hand on his cheek, the other stroking his hair, Janus wanted to believe. He almost nodded.
“Jan, you don’t have to hide anymore.”
Janus still couldn’t face him. He couldn’t hide from him what Patton said he’d wanted to know. But Janus couldn’t share everything else he’d been hiding. It was too late for that.
Patton’s hand slid down his cheek and rested over his heart. “You don’t have to hide anymore,” he said again. “Show me all the truth. Please?”
“I think you still don’t know what you’re asking of me,” Janus said, shaking his head even as he had to press his lips together to fight the truth from spilling out.
Patton moved to his lap, hands on either side of his face. Janus could only stare back, breath caught in his throat. Patton's body was warm against his, solid weight strengthening his words. “I think I do know, Jan.”
Sitting like this, Patton was taller, and Janus had to look up to meet his gaze. Eyes wet, he looked back, unflinching. “I could feel it, Jan. This whole time, I could still feel it,” Patton whispered, nodding, encouraging him as Janus’ arms slowly circled his waist. “And I don’t think it was just my heart I was feeling.”
“No,” Janus breathed, the room growing brighter, the truth sweet in its release. Tears spilled down his cheeks and Patton reached out, gently brushing them away. “No, it was never just you, Pat. Of course it wasn't."
Patton licked his lips, a question in his eyes. Finally, he whispered, “And do you still?”
“Do I still love you?” Janus asked and Patton’s face bloomed.
Cheeks pink and head bobbing, Patton grinned as Janus’ heart answered him before he’d even opened his mouth.
“Always, Pat.”
