It’s a back-and-forth battle no one wins. It’s tug-of-war with a stalemate: they lean toward one side of the fence, then the other, and somehow never find the common ground. One insult here, one joke there; and in the end, it all adds up to mixed feelings and being alone at night.
Why complicate a simple thing with something like sentiment, anyway?
--
Tumb-ler made such a mistake.
He had to go and add a photo of Theo on his wall, and he had to go and look online what people are saying, and he just had to act stupid-desperate and hug Theo and ask him to stick around this point in time for a while, and he just had to see that stuff about some guy named Black and it’s tearing at him, eating him up inside, and it fucking blows.
--
He isn’t jealous. Nope, not at all. Because he doesn’t have a crush. Not even a little.
--
Fuck, he’s jealous. And it’s not even real! Not yet…
No, no. It won’t happen. It’s just people being stupid. He knows how those peasants are; they ship just about anything they please, whether the people or characters even interact with one another or not!
But what he has with Theo – whatever it is – is real and it’s entirely theirs and it’s weird and not-quite-anything, but he likes what he has and yeah, okay, he has a crush, but no one has to know it, and it’s not like Theo will ever find out. So it’s fine.
It’s fine…
--
Shit, shit, motherfucking shit.
Swag actually found his blog! He really fucking messaged Tum and now Tum is off the walls with joy, and his first thought is, “I can’t wait to tell Theo!”
He doesn’t even think of Norma until a second later, but then it comes ramming into him that he thought of telling Theo of all people about this, but, like, what would Theo even care at all? Does he even know who Swag is (although Tum refuses to believe that someone doesn’t know about Swag-ler, because who fucking doesn’t, unless they live under a rock? Or in a lerkim, maybe, actually…)?
So it’s out of the question to tell Theo, but it still grinds Tumb-ler’s gears to think he actually is so pathetic that he immediately thought of Theo when this awesome thing happened, and he would kick himself if he weren’t too lazy to be bothered to get out of his desk chair to do so.
Instead of any of that bullshit, Tumble keeps most of it to himself and thinks long and hard about something clever to day in response to Swag-senpai, crossing his fingers that this will open up the doors to an internet friendship between them; or something. He really isn’t picky. It’s Swag-ler, after all.
--
He invites Theo over to watch a movie. It’s Norma’s idea; she shyly mutters something about it, having noticed Theo’s face on Tum’s wall (and he really wishes now that he hadn’t made it so obvious), and he decided, why the fuck not? It could be cool; they could critique the film together and throw popcorn at one another and maybe wind up in some comfortable, sprawled-out position with one another by the end of it…
No, no, Tumb shakes his head, That’s gay. We’ll just be hanging out.
So he takes down the poster and hides it away in his desk, and then picks up his dorm room a little, making it relatively presentable. Then he finds a good stream for an ‘80s movie and lets it load.
--
Theo arrives an hour later, dressed as casually as Tumble is, and together they scoot up Tum’s monitor and angle it just right, sitting with their backs against the wall on Tumb-ler’s bed as they watch the film, speakers turned up high.
They share a six pack of sodas and go through a bag of popcorn each, and the movie is really cheesy and awful and perfect for parodying between one another. They laugh and look at one another, and before Tumb-ler has time to think about it or help himself, he’s closing his eyes and leaning in a bit too close, damn near kissing Theo on the corner of the mouth.
“W-whoa, hey, what are you doing, dude?” Theo sputters, and Tum flushes a deep red when he snaps back to himself.
“Pfft, nothing. Just fucking with you,” he barks a laugh, hastily running a hand through his messy black hair and looking away sheepishly.
“Bullshit,” Theo’s brows knit together, and he shifts his seating to face Tumb fully. “We stop laughing for all of two seconds, and then you looked at me weird before you leaned in and tried to kiss me. You can’t fucking fake that.”
“And you would know all about being fake, wouldn’t you? Once-ler poser,” Tumb-ler scoffs, climbing off of his bed and tossing their trash in his bin, dusting off his hands on the sides of his hoodie.
“Don’t use that crap against me; I was a goofy kid when I did that. But seriously, Boxer-shorts, if you wanted to kiss me, you could have just said so, instead of trying to spring it on me like that,” Theo retorts, shrugging his shoulders and standing from the bed, hands sliding into the pockets of his lounge pants.
Tum returns his gaze to Theo’s face, and looks him up and down for a second, trying to read his body language. Then, “…You’re serious?”
“Do I look like I’m kidding you? Note serious face,” Theo jokes with a smile, but when he points to his face, he instantly falls deadpan.
Tumb-ler laughs weakly and fiddles with the hems of his sleeves. “All right, so you’re not kidding. Well… neither was I, okay? I admit it.”
“Cool. Now that that’s established, are you gonna kiss me, or what?” Theo smirks, but the blush on his face is apparent and he looks just as nervous as Tum does about it, but in a good way? That’s the only way Tum can describe Theo’s face: anxious excitement.
Tumble steps closer, determined, and mutters, “This doesn’t make me gay.”
“No, of course not. Who would think two guys kissing is gay? Outrageous,” Theo returns sarcastically.
“I mean it. I’m not. You’re just… pretty cool, I guess. Under your dorky, rebel-with-a-cause-for-dumb-trees exterior.” He puts his arms around Theo’s neck, and Theo’s hands fall to his waist, and he stiffens to hold back a shiver at the warmth he can feel even through the thick fabric of his sweatshirt.
“Yeah? Well, you’re not so lame yourself, underneath your lazyass, hipster-who-thinks-he’s-so-swagilicious exterior,” Theo replies, his voice dying to a near whisper as he closes the gap between their mouths.
Tum closes his eyes and soaks up the feeling of melding lips with Theo the way a reptile soaks up the sunlight. He has to forcibly remind himself not to let out a sigh or hum or moan, but Theo’s hands are pressing him close, running up over his back, pressing into his shoulders and back down again, a small massage while he expertly works his tongue into Tumb-ler’s mouth and makes Tumb’s heart skip a couple beats here and there.
He plays with Theo’s hair in the back of his head, softer than the spike on top, and rubs his thumb at the base of Theo’s neck. He hears Theo let out a little hum of his own as they part for a second, breathing, and then renew the kiss with more intensity, angling their heads one side to the other, tongues clashing and lips capturing lips, Theo bold enough to suck on Tum’s bottom lip before releasing his mouth entirely, arms loose around Tumb-ler’s hips as Theo tilts his head down to rest his forehead against Tumble’s.
When they part entirely, the movie is long since been rolling the credits, and it’s time for Theo to go.
Theo holds Tumb’s hand , sliding it out slowly before turning and walking out the door, closing it behind himself.
Once he’s gone, Tumb-ler grins broadly and hops around his room for a moment, too ecstatic to care that his cat is silently judging him from its hiding place underneath his bed.
When he hops back onto Tumblr again to make a post, all he writes is,
That awesome moment when you make out with your long-time crush.
And it’s only after he clicks “post” does he realize that all of it is true.
It gets about 100 notes on it before he goes to bed later that evening (translation: early the next morning), and he gets sent about 15 asks about who he’s referring to and if it’s Swag or Theo or someone else, or just a general statement, and he trolls them all with vague responses before he gives up entirely, deleting the leftovers and going to sleep.
--
The game ends; the tug-of-war match is thrown, because it has a victor. The common ground on one side of the fence is secured, and suddenly the battle is over and it’s the greatest sense of accomplishment in the world to feel, and it’s all Tumb-ler’s and he could honestly die happy because of it.
Although he would never say so aloud, of course, and would deny it to anyone who asked.
