shit. i was looking for a post about Orpheus and Eurydice - about how, as a metaphor for grief, if he had never looked back, the path out of the underworld would have gone on forever.
and i couldn't find it. but.. i keep thinking of that Orpheus. an Orpheus refusing to turn around, holding on to the tiny, impossible hope that one day they will make it out, even as the path stretches forward before his feet, hundreds of years of walking, no closer to making it out.
an Orpheus who does not love her any less, and yet one just slightly younger. a little more hopeful and a little more naive. a man at the arc of a sunk-cost fallacy, desperately trying to tell himself that it's just a little further. one who cannot escape the thought that if he turns now, he will fail.
i know. i've heard the quote. an Orpheus who does not turn around is an Orpheus who never made it down to the underworld at all. and yet i cannot help but picture just a slightly different tragedy; a Eurydice who forgives him and loves him just as much. who has no choice but to follow behind him, whispering, it's okay if you turn around. that i love you. it's okay. letting me go doesn't mean you've failed me.
I picture Orpheus forgetting her eyes first, then her hair, and then her face. one who finds the answer to those memories so close behind, and yet who cannot help but tell himself that if he turns, he will be guilty. who could so easily see her once more, remember the person that he loves; and yet he's spent so long just trying. what if the path is almost through?
what if this is the test? the trap they laid for him? to test how much he loves her, and his faith in his own gods? he could be so close to the ending -- giving up now would be killing her. after all this time of walking, a glimpse could not be enough. doubt is all around him, but fear weighs far more heavy; perhaps time here is warped, and it's not as long as it feels like. perhaps she is still waiting, and that gold on the horizon is sun.
perhaps when he turns around, he will see her, disappointed. perhaps she, too, is testing him, and will hate him if he falls. if he turns back, he will kill her. (they are both as good as dead.)
it's an old story, still of love. denial and grief go hand in hand, after all. (there is no escaping death. she has forgiven him, already.)
