I wrote this in 2018 and titled it Love Letter 23.
"Some things always have been, something's always will be
--
I speak (write) of my love for you so often, I sometimes believe my own exaggerations
Of love at first sight, and lifetime bonds
Of sweeping declarations and wild eyes in the dead of night
Tales of a love so grand and so vast
Ancient Kings and Queens would weep to hear the tale
And yet, that is not when I love you most
No
Its when I think about the real story, the real way we got here
That I fall a little deeper in love with you
I think about meeting you for the first time, and thinking you were cute
Feeling my stomach twitch just a little bit,
At the smile on your face when you talked about the things you loved
The way your hair was just a little long in the front and curled into your eyes when you laughed,
Which was a lot
I think about not knowing what to do, as the days got longer and you got quieter
About feeling lost in world where you did not smile,
And we did not ask why you smelled like ash in the mornings
I remember feeling sad at the sudden news you were leaving,
Unable to out a finger on why, beyond the pain of losing a friend
You have just begun to know
Until
She told me she loved you
She sobbed into my chest of unrequited love
and a forbidden yet destined romance
And shame filled my chest,
Shame at liking someone,
My bestfriend claimed to love
And so I did not talk
I did not call
I did not reach out because i was ashamed
And I regret that everyday
And then one day
You called
And I answered
And we talked
We talked for hours
About the sky and the sea
About music, the stuff that made us cry, the stuff that made us love
About the shit that made us mad
We just talked,
For minutes, hours, days
And then we began to google hangout,
Every night your face was the last one I saw
On days when the world was dark and
opening my eyes felt like the hardest thing In the universe
You were there, to brighten my world
Just a little bit, just enough to help me push back the darkness for another day
I remember the day I woke up,
and just knew
It was summer
The wind was hot, my room smelling of eucalyptus leaves
Trees outside my window rustling in the way they do in that still breeze
As if the whole world is holding one great big trembling breath.
I woke up that morning and thought
I'm in love with him
I love every minute I'm on the phone with him
Our video calls are the highlight of my day
And I want to share with him
So I began to write poetry about you
Trying to satiate this pain in my chest
(This black hole of want/need in my heart)
The ache in the place my heart should be
Telling myself poetry you’d never see and phone calls in the dead of night were enough
That I could live with half of you
And then one night you called to tell me
You loved me.
Love -ed me.
That you were moving on, with a girl much better than I
You never said that of course, that was my own insecurities
I looked at her perfect face, her beautiful smile
The way your hand fit perfectly around her waist and I cried
And hoped she knew how lucky she was to have you
I hoped that she saw how amazing you were
And I tried to move on
I lost myself in boys and in girls with blue eyes
In beds that all look the same in the dark,
Trying to find something, anything, in strangers who tasted like ash
I tried to date,
I kissed people who told me they loved me
From between my thighs
And I parroted words I didn't mean in a moonlit room
I smiled for parents and bought gifts for siblings and friends
I did everything tight
And at night
I still dreamt of you
And so went our dance
We whispered love in dark rooms
Static hissing across the line
Familiar with the feeling of a bed filled, with the wrong person
Letters mailed across the country, with words masking feelings
On and on it went,
Until you said
Visit"
---
I never finished this poem. I think maybe because it is the most honest and open I have ever been when trying to capture my feelings for you, and what came next is something that I both treasure and fear in equal measure.
I am scared to be honest and put pen to paper about that night. In the dark when you almost kissed me and all that I was nearly came apart at the seams.
But you didn't, and I didn't, and we didn't.
