#up med

[dalisay17]

Status-post Community Medicine, hello OB-GYNE. And hello UPM-CAS trips. Guess who's back in town?

(Featuring my dork friends and the Pride Stairs behind the UPM-CAS Oblation)

[dalisay17]

girl aral na

I am in that limbo wherein I am too hyper to fall asleep, and too hyper to actually get any work/studying done.

In other news, my interest in IM has piqued, yet I keep reminding myself that as much fun as the GI part of OS 206 is, the Renal part may go downhill and OS 205 is a bitch so goodbye heart and lungs

But wahey srsly - there is a huge chance that I will not be a pulmonologist anymore, but GI is becoming increasingly interesting to me now.

[dalisay17]

LU3, MGMR, and a few more things on Med School

The sem's over, finals breezed by, UPCM has defended their title with a 4-peat for the UP Manila Lantern parade (my batchmates are awesome).

I'm supposed to be asleep because I have to get up early, so I'll make this quick: I'm nervous as a hell. I have a adlib part for our choice piece, and I'm scared that I won't be able to throw the sound far enough (HAHA ALIW THEATER IS A HUGE VENUE AND WE'RE USING MICS NATURALLY AND OUR CHOIR JUST HATES MICS. THEY RUIN THE SOUND).

IT DOESN'T HELP THAT UP MED HAS NEVER LOST. LIKE, EVER.

So, yeah. Pressure everywhere.

Yet I'm strangely at peace. Despite my parents not being that happy about my grades, without a good luck for tomorrow even along the phone lines. It . . . kind of hurts. And when I told my mom about how happy I was that the sem was just over, that I got through without having to take meds, the first thing she asks is "how did you feel about finals? D'you think you'll pass them?" instead of 'CONGRATULATIONS THE FIRST SEM OF YOUR HELL MEDSCHOOL LIFE IS OVER. COME HOME AND HAVE A WELL-DESERVED BREAK'.

I know my grades aren't the best. They never will be, considering with or without extracurriculars, I will suck at med school. It's just that difficult. Not just because of acads, of course.

And that one time my mom told me "Pero masaya ka naman, di ba? (but you're happy, right?)" and I scoffed in her face and went "you THINK I'm happy in med school? WHAT A FARCE" (non-verbatim, of course), and recently, a talk with my aunt with her pausing after I said I don't like med school (I like the IDEA of it, and what you achieve after, but I've developed a distaste for the whole system I have to go through. It's too harsh, too stressful, too juvenile with the way people have to act in it to survive. It's - it's preposterous. And I hate it that everyone around me just ACCEPTS it, even if they don't agree with this farce of a system.), she went all: "um, so, if you aren't happy . . . do you want to look for a different career option?" AT LEAST SAID AUNT HAD THE AUDACITY TO ACTUALLY THINK THAT WAY, COMPARED TO MY PARENTS, WHO SEE ME EVERY WEEK, AND SEEM TO TURN A BLIND EYE AND DEAF EAR TO EVERY PROBLEM I HAVE WITH THIS WHOLE SYSTEM. LIKE, OKAY FINE, FUCK IT ALL.

I don't know how many times I've scolded my younger self for agreeing to check that damned box.

It all feels so hard right now, especially with all of the heartaches that med school brings (c'mon: you lock 164 brilliant, barely-experienced-failure-and-denial-before type of people in the same environment, and you expect all of them to come out sane, or kind, or mature, or FAIR. Like I said before, in UP Med, you need fangs and talons and claws and just EVERYTHING THAT GOES WITH AN IRON WILL TO SURVIVE AND STAND OUT).

It's so fucking tiring, and it doesn't help that I'm the idealist type, and I just can't let go of all of the wrong bull shit in a system.

Yet when I think about it,f I didn't check that box almost three years prior, I wouldn't be here, with MedChoir. I wouldn't have met all of these wonderful people, these shining specks of pure, sincere light in a sea of exaggerated glamour and unnecessary bull shit, and I wouldn't have found this niche. They're the lovely few whom I can confidently say would hold my hand in a storm. And I wouldn't have been placed in my buddy line - not everyone's a Medchoir kid from there, but I've been blessed to be put in a buddy line with such great friends, a family despite the lack of blood relations and the difference in ages. I wouldn't have been able to forge the bonds I've created over the past two and a half years, and I wouldn't have met the people who would drag me into their world: one of service in music, and beyond. I wouldn't realize that in terms of self-sacrifice for the country, I wanted to serve in the communities.

I may be broken and battered and lacking in self-confidence at this point in time of my development, and no matter how much I want to change about myself, I guess I wouldn't be me if I didn't go through this shitstorm at all. I wouldn't be Jamie, the girl on fire: that crazy kid who sings her heart out and draws her feelings away, that kid who stands up for what she knows is right, who insists that honor will lead to excellence (haha, so cheesy, but I'd like to believe that encompasses who I am).

I guess, at this point in time, I'm convincing myself to stay. Sayang yung slot kung umalis ako. It won't be filled up anymore. And if I don't get through this, I won't be able to help as many people as I want to.

[Of course, there's still the fear that once I come out of this hell hole, I might be too battered and bruised and too scared of the world. I'm afraid that this route will kill all of the kindness in me, because just in the first year, it demands that I kill my kindness. Not all of it, but to kill the kindness for a certain portion of the world around me. Because if I don't, I won't be able to play the game for change properly. And this is the saddest lesson UP Med has taught me: that in order to gain fairness and justice and correctness, you have to play dirty to get there. Because you have no choice.]

HAHA WHAT THIS POST WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT MEDRHYTHMIA AND HOW OUR PIECES ARE FROM LION KING AND A MEDLEY OF RIO SONGS. AND NOW IT'S ALL MED SCHOOL FEELS.

Lord, seriously, tho: if I still continue this struggle, because it will (IS SUPPOSED TO BE) worth it at the end of the line, please help me keep my heart, my sanity. Help me remember to believe in those people who have held my hand all throughout the pain, people who will be able to sense my distress properly, and to learn to keep them closer and to learn how to support them steadfast when they, in turn, are in distress. Please never let me lose this kindness people say I have, and grant me more patience and dealing with others.

As Kuya Caloy said: when everything gets confusing, i-kanta mo nalang (just sing it all away!)!

[I know it's dangerous to rant online about these things, despite tumblr being less known than FB and stuff, but I guess I'm jotting this down so that, maybe in the future, people could find this, especially my family. They always just seem to take my rants at face value, not seeing how tired I am of everyone around me. Probably soon, probably a few years from now, just so they know of all the torment I have to go through; that no, I hate a lot of things about this place: UPM, UPCM, UP-PGH. That they'd rather I take meds and get through than actually consider if I'm genuinely happy in this environment. And yet I'm still here, because I have a dream, and as tired and broken as my heart and soul are right now, I know I have to go through this hell hole in order to help repair all of the even more broken hearts and souls out there.]

[dalisay17]

medschool is draining

Skinned my first cadaver yesterday. It's going to be my first time transing a lecture with a team later on at 8 in the morning. And for the past month, there's been nothing but trying to emotionally catch up with an environment of 160-something other batchmates, teachers who have both been impressed and disappointed, and the impending fear of failing terribly at acads.

*Sigh.* Oh well.

Generally, I'm not sure why I'm still staying here, yet I'm sure I want to study med. I've got a lot of reasons, a lot of sources for inspiration - but I guess it's just a matter of pushing oneself further - beyond what you thought your limit was. You might surprise yourself - I might surprise myself.

[dalisay17]

WAIT LANG. ANG GV NUN.

Start na ata 'to ng "dispersion" progress na hinihintay ko.

[dalisay17]

Ayoko nang maging Judgemental

Nakakabad-trip. Nakakaguilty. Nakakapagod. At mahirap din mang-hugot ng positive aura / pagiging perky and hyper para bumagay sa inyo.

Pa'no ba makibagay nang hindi masyadong trying hard? Pa'no ba maging katulad ninyo nang hindi ko pinapakawalan kung ano ako? Pa'no ba hindi maging awkward? Or paano ba mag-break through the ice walls we both (both consciously and unconsciously) erect?

Sa totoo lang, ayoko yung barriers. Yung "ganito kami, ganito kayo, ganito sila" - whatev. Alam ko magwo-one month pa lang, pero gusto ko nang maging 2019 na buo. Hindi yung kung ano man yung mga premed courses natin. Kahit miss ko na ang pagiging iMed lang (lahat naman ata tayo, deep down inside, nami-miss ang pagiging undergrad nila).

Pero gets ko rin na 'di mo siya male-let go ka'gad, kung ano man yung premed mo. Kasi parte ng pagkatao mo yun eh.

Ayoko yung tension. Tama na. Pero sige. I'll keep hanging on until we can all melt those barriers away.

I'll just keep things up until maging 2019 na talaga tayo nang lubusan.

Looking forward to the years ahead with you awesome nerds. :)

[ikeymikey]

Basta Dose...ibang klase talaga!

The statistics speak for themselves.  99.3% passing rate.  The top performing medical school for the August 2012 board exams.  We've been saying it for five years, but now with the cold hard facts to back it up, we can say: ibang klase talaga ang UPCM 2012.

Congratulations, 2012!  I'm very proud to be part of this latest batch of promising UPCM physicians.

[bungisngises]

First place and 6/10 places for UP College of Medicine, woot woot! Congrats Batch 2012! :)