started a new tarot journal today but so far toay's entry is mostly a event lol also finally started using some new stuff in my collection! my Ferris Wheel Press Lord of the Rings Bijou Fountain Pen i'm unsure of the colour used here it might be Kyoto Ink KYO IRO and a red chic sparrow i bought second hand from ebay. (unsure of the exact leather)
“A journal for chronicling my immeasurably fascinating dysfunctions, neuroses, emotions, inner children, moments of shame and doubt, projection, self-loathing, misanthropy, and completely normal insanity, because the only difference between me and the rest of the population is that I acknowledge how crazy I am and they’re all in mind-numbing denial.”
Journal complete with quotes and self help tick boxes on every spread, because sometimes, it’s good to vent
Guide-lines have always been a prominent feature in my life it seems. Where-ever I went, there was always a specific way to do something efficiently and cleanly. There was always instructions. Something simple and easy to follow.
Even with Pokemon it came easy. I knew what to do and how to do it because my brother helped me write a book of basic rules to follow with Pokemon. Childish and silly as we often were as kids, I find the rule book holds a lot of meaning and depth even to me now at this day and age.
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1. Pokemon love treats. Give them plenty.
2. Pokemon love exercise. Let them battle often.
3. Pokemon love rest. Don't overwork them.
4. Pokemon love interacting. Talk to them plenty.
But most of all.
5. Pokemon deserve love. So love them plenty.
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To this day I still remember that guidebook and the process I went through to write it. Misspelling words, misunderstanding what my brother asked me to write down, I remembered disliking the guidebook because it just seemed so tedious. It was filled with things one should just instinctively know...
And yet to this day, I look back at this old book and wonder something more. Something else this book could have taught me. Something my brother tried to teach me about life itself.
I do remember that lesson... Somewhat. That life has no guidelines and you are free to define your own as you go. Cause and effect. Grow and live... I remember that I never did write down anything like that because it just seemed like common knowledge.
Now I wish I did.
I'd let myself get so caught up in being talked into how I should feel and what I should do, that I hadn't once thought about if I actually cared about those opinions, and even if I did, what parts needed to change and what parts didn't.
I do care about my friends.
I do care about the figures from my own past.
I do care about Sabine, even if she NEVER makes it easy to.
Ah Sabine...
Sometimes I more then wish I had a manual on how to deal with women like her. But despite that even if I don't actively support her, even if she's done wrong, even if I've done her a great wrong, I'll always care for her. She was Pieter's first love. She was one of my first complex friends. She was the one that taught me how to stand up for myself and for my friends.
She was a person that knew how to terrify me and enlighten me at the same time. Knew how to build me up and then knock me down. How to show confidence, capability.
I think, to me, she's an ideal picture. Even if she doesn't really, she acts like she has everything figured out. That she knows where she's going and why. I meanwhile can barely remember what I had for breakfast this morning, much less know what I want to do with my life.
I know there's no way I can reverse the clock, to take back the horrible things I said to her. I'll probably always hate myself for speaking so hatefully to a friend.
But at times, I wish there was.
I think...The truth is I'll always care for her. Just like I'll always care for Mara and Juliet. Even if parts of me may still dislike her for how she treated me several times along the way, other parts of me will always remember that day at the cafe.
That day we went to Anistar to ask Olympia about other dimensions. On that day, I shared with her something very personal, and for the first time since we had met, we finally stood as equals. She understood me and I understood her.
Why did I care so much about what Sabine thought of me?
I guess because she was something I so desperately wanted to be.
