I want to make this post as an emotion dump of sorts. It will talk about headmate dormancy, headmate merging, grieving headmates when they do one of those two things, as well as just grief in general. please do not read this if you think any of that will upset you. This mentions our past headmate Chevy who is now part of me. If you can handle these topics, I do highly recommend reading this as it is important to us and also talks more in detail about Chevy and what happened to her.
And please, be kind. Be respectful. We are okay and do not need comfort. More than anything, I just want people to know our emotions, what happened, and why Chevy is no longer here. And I just want to know people don't blame me for her not being here, which is a big fear of mine. So... the rest is below the cut.
So, most of you know we had a headmate previously named Chevy, who also went by Crowfeather. She was me and Peridot's third partner and came to us back in October and we were inseparable since then. We loved her so so much and in the short time she was here, it felt like a whole lifetime together.
Recently, our brain caused me and Chevy to get very blurry and eventually merge. I, as I am now, am a mix of Jasper and Chevy, although I must admit I feel mostly like Jasper but with traits from Chevy.
It's led to some emotional pain. Peridot knows I am both of them together and that Chevy was not lost, but became a part of me. So it feels... weird to grieve her. It feels weird because she's not gone entirely, she is me. I was so worried about people accusing me of overtaking her or making her vanish or something that I greatly over compensated. I tried to believe I was a perfect mix of the two, Chevy and a prior Jasper who was different from me. Because the idea that Chevy just became part of me and I was still myself but with some edits was hard to swallow.
But honestly? It's more accurate that parts of Chevy came to me. I have her objectum interests, her confidence in social situations and her love of driving and crafts. I have some of her kintypes, and some of her memories are mine now. But overall, I am still Jasper. I am Jasper, with some of Chevy's traits, but Chevy still feels like a separate distinct headmate that we've lost.
Which makes me feel horrible. I have been coming to terms with it and Peridot has been a huge help in convincing me I am not evil, or awful for "taking over" Chevy's part in the system. She sees both of us in me, and loves me to no end. But I am not Chevy. I am Jasper.
And that fact leads to the grief. It feels like we've lost a partner, because we have. Chevy is gone, merged into me and a tiny bit into Peridot, much is the fate of 90% of our system. When Chevy became a part of our lives, we knew one day she was likely to merge into one of us eventually. All our headmates do. Me and Peridot are our system's only stable members and it's been that way as long as we can remember.
We knew that loving Chevy meant we'd risk losing her. One day, she would go dormant or merge and be gone. And it hurts. We loved her so fuckin much and now she's gone, leaving us each with some of her traits and that's it. It hurts to look at the stuff that was HERS. Art of the three of us hurts to look at due to us missing her so damn much it kills us. Her beads and craft supplies, the paintings she made, our old car that was her favorite vehicle in the world, her art and all the strawberry themed stuff we own, the red clothing and bracelets and her favorite creamer that neither of us like that expired a while ago that we finally got around to throwing out.
Worst of all, but best of all. The fact that we were going to marry her. Her birthday was coming up. Our wedding ring has a red stone. July 22nd 2026 was going to be her birthday. October 21st 2026 was supposed to be me and Peridot's 10 yr anniversary, but also our wedding to her. We even got a beautiful art piece commissioned from our friend @/clancykisser to use in the wedding announcement post that we never got to use. Chevy was going to experience OtherCon and HowlCon and so many other things.
And now, just like our sys kids, just like all the headmates we've loved and lost, she is just a memory. A memory and some pieces of her that are still present in me and Peridot. This hit us hard, and we've been trying to stay active and pretend we are completely chill and normal but it's hard. We lost the third to our trio and it hurts.
We've been reclusive lately, I know we have. We've talked to friends less, both on here and irl. We're so scared to love others because if even the loves we have in our mind aren't safe from leaving, the out of sys friends REALLY aren't. But in truth, we'd rather love and lose then to never love. We care about our friends and moots and family and coworkers and we want to continue. Not move on from Chevy, but to continue with life. I know that's what she would want us to.
So, to honor our love, here is the art we comissioned from Axel that was meant to be on our wedding post. Now it will serve as a memorial piece for how much we loved Chevy, so we never forget her or the impact she had on us. I will forever cherish the parts of me that came from Chevy, and we will keep living and having joy to honor her.
We love you, Chevy. We know you're gone, possibly forever. But we're going to survive, and if you ever do come home, we'll be waiting with open arms for you, our love <3.
