Going to college has informed me of how strictly I was treated as a middle/high school student who had mental health conditions. I knew at the time that I was treated strictly, even harshly by some staff members, but it’s another thing to actually experience the difference.
I used to have frequent panic attacks as a kid, usually due to OCD or autism, and my school directly made it worse and worse. Today in class, I had a panic attack, went outside the classroom, and just stayed in one spot until it was over. I felt like I was going to explode, my thoughts had gone out of control and I felt terrified, I didn’t want anyone’s eyes on me, I wanted quiet, so I just moved outside to an environment where I could calm down in silence. No harm done at all. No one batted an eye when they walked past me, even if it looked a little strange for an adult to be sitting with their knees to their chest for twenty minutes. I was treated with more grace as an adult than I was as a child/teenager.
As I came back to myself, I kept thinking about what this used to be like in middle and high school, and how I wasn’t always afforded the freedom to get through such a debilitating experience in an effective way. Some of my teachers were better than others, they would let me step into the hallway, write me a note if I was going to be late for my next class, or re-explain instructions to me if I had missed them. They knew I was struggling but doing the best I could, they put a little trust in me (which I never ever took advantage of), and they were understanding without giving me special treatment. I’m grateful to them. Other teachers said I wasn’t allowed to leave unless it was to go the nurse’s office, but as a kid, I was scared to go there and just wanted to calm down. Several teachers gave me poor participation grades just because I sometimes had to leave the room with a panic attack. I only had a thirty minute lunch period, and only a ten-minute window to actually get a meal to eat. The cafeteria was overwhelming and the opposite kind of environment that would calm me down, so I missed lunch several times because I was having an attack and couldn’t eat until I went home. If I missed lunch, too bad, I wasn’t allowed to eat in their classroom. Sometimes they would only give me five minutes outside the room before forcing me back in with the others. These conditions made my OCD grow out of control, it made the panic attacks come back again and again, nearly every day, causing the situation to get exponentially worse. I was an eleven-year-old in my first year of middle school (or, during the second round of panic attacks, a sixteen-year-old in my first year of high school), and I was constantly well-behaved. I followed the rules perfectly, I was always very polite and respectful, but some of my teachers treated me like a troublemaker that they couldn’t trust out of their sight. Even if I had acted up a lot, I still should have been afforded some understanding. When I was twelve and I dropped out of school, guess what happened? The panic attacks stopped overnight. When I was sixteen and I went home for winter break, guess what? The panic attacks ended overnight. As it turns out, mentally ill students can actually have a chance at managing their conditions when they feel secure in their environment and are not treated like a prisoner (and that is not to say that I don’t support criminals’ rights.) I will always advocate for alternative schooling options so that every kid can get an education in a way that’s actually effective for them, as well as special education and other support programs in schools. I want people to support quality virtual school systems, because they’re not just a write-off for students who got expelled, they’re for any student who doesn’t go to a public or private building school, for any reason.
